What If

by Rebecca Donovan

  "I don't know. I called them, but they weren't home."

  It's not weird being alone with Cal. He's nicer than a lot of the boys at school. When Brady and Craig come over, they end up acting kind of dumb, and Cal has to tell them to shut up a lot. Richelle says they're so immature and no girl will ever want them to be her boyfriend. I'm not sure I'm ready for a boyfriend.

  Richelle says that it's the best thing in the world to have a boyfriend. You get to tell him secrets. Hold hands. Go to the movies together. And kiss.

  I think the only thing I'd like is the movies part, and I already do that with Cal and his friends. Except none of them is my boyfriend.

  I watch Cal for a moment as he runs really fast with Henley chasing after him. His dark hair is sweaty and sticking to his forehead. His knees are dirty from rolling on the ground. His glasses are sliding off his nose like they always do. Would I want to kiss Cal?

  I scrunch my nose up at the thought.

  "What's wrong?" Cal asks, breathing fast from running. "Did a bug fly in your mouth?"

  "Ew. No," I say. "I was just thinking about..." I almost say it. My cheeks feel hot.

  "What? Tell me. I promise not to tell anyone."

  I kneel on the ground again where Henley is lying on his back with his paws in the air. I scratch his belly and laugh at how funny he looks lying this way. He's breathing fast too. I can feel his little heart beating.

  I don't look at Cal when I ask, "Have you ever kissed a girl?"

  Henley flops over onto his belly, stretches his tiny jaw into a yawn, and rests his head on his paws. Cal and I continue petting him. Cal's hands are dirty, even under his nails. My mom would make him scrub them all day before sitting down at our dinner table.

  I look at my hands, and even though I've been playing too, I was very careful not to get dirty. Our hands look so different next to each other, moving along the gold fur.

  "No," Cal answers. "I've never kissed a girl. I don't think I want to yet either."

  "Yeah," I agree, without looking at him. "Kissing's gross." Our hands touch. We stop petting Henley, who's fallen asleep, but don't take our hands off of his belly. It rises and falls with his breathing. I hold my breath and move my hand so it's over Cal's.

  His hand is warm, and it's softer than I thought it would be. I curl my fingers between his and he squeezes them gently. I keep my eyes on our hands, afraid to look at him, but I'm smiling. My heart is beating like a butterfly is flapping inside my chest. I may not be ready to kiss a boy, but I do like holding Cal's hand.

  Chapter Eight

  "Are you sure they're coming?" Rae asks, pressing against the frame that separates the living room from the kitchen, allowing two girls to squeeze between us.

  "I'm not sure of anything when it comes to Nyelle," I confess. "But Tess's text said they were on their way."

  "Yeah, but that was like an hour ago," Rae notes, tipping the beer bottle into her mouth.

  I shrug. "Nyelle likes to walk. It might take them a while."

  "They're walking from campus?" Rae says. "What is she, crazy?"

  I grin without answering.

  I'm about to ask where Eric disappeared to when Nyelle enters through the back door.

  "She's here."

  Rae turns to look, but she's too short to see over the crowd in the kitchen.

  Nyelle's wearing her hair down, the way I like it, wild waves falling over her shoulders. The top of her head is sprinkled with snow, and her cheeks and the tip of her nose are red from walking in the cold. Her blue eyes sparkle as she searches the crowd. She stops when she sees me. I wait to see how she reacts when she sees me. When she smiles, I release my breath and smile back.

  Tess waves to me while mouthing an apology and rolling her eyes toward Nyelle.

  The smile on Nyelle's face falters. She's too far away for me to see what's happening. My eyes dart around the kitchen, trying to figure out which guy said something to her.

  "Nyelle!" Tess yells. I look back just as the door slams shut.

  "I'll be right back," I tell Rae. I push through the crowded kitchen and find Tess outside on the back steps.

  "Nyelle, what are you doing? I'm freezing from walking all the way here, and I really need to warm up. Please come inside with me."

  Nyelle isn't listening. She's pacing back and forth in the small yard, grumbling under her breath.

  "Tess, go ahead in and wait with Rae. She's the one with bright pink hair. You can't miss her." When she hesitates, I assure her, "We'll be right there."

  Tess sighs and says, "Nyelle, I'm going inside. Don't leave without me." Then she goes back into the house, muting the music and voices with the closing of the door.

  Nyelle continues pacing with her fists clenched by her sides, mumbling incoherently. Every so often I pick up a word, mostly swearing. I can't make sense of it.

  "What the fuck?!" she blurts. Then she rants about other nonsensical things, with an, "I can't do this," thrown in there.

  "Nyelle? What happened?"

  She stops abruptly, biting her lip. She looks up at me with wide, frantic eyes, appearing confused. I know I am.

  I shiver as the cold wind gusts through the button-down I'm wearing. "It's cold. And snowing. Just come in for a little while to warm up. Then I'll take you anywhere you want to go. Even if it's to roll down a hill with you."

  Nyelle takes a deep breath to collect herself, then smiles ever so slightly. "It is snowing, isn't it?" She tilts her head up toward the sky, watching the flakes float down onto her face.

  I'm met with a rush of warm air when the door opens and Rae comes out. "Is she catching snowflakes on her tongue?"

  Nyelle has her mouth open and her tongue sticking out, letting the crystals drift down and soak into her tongue. I smile. "Yeah. She is."

  "What the...?"

  Nyelle lifts her head and her eyes steady on Rae. With a deep breath, she says boldly, "Hi. I'm Nyelle. I go to school with Cal."

  "Hi," Rae falters. "I'm Rae. Cal's friend from back home."

  "Nice to meet you," Nyelle replies with an exaggerated smile. "Now let's go rage." She thrusts her fist halfheartedly in the air and unenthusiastically hollers, "Woo-hoo," before marching between us into the house.

  Rae turns her head up toward me with her mouth agape. "Holy shit, Cal. What just happened? And who was that? Because that girl looks a hell of a lot like Nicole Bentley."

  I release a breathy laugh. "That... all of that, was Nyelle Preston," I say and follow after her into the house.

  Tess is waiting for us inside the door, but Nyelle is halfway through the kitchen, heading toward the living room. I start in that direction, then look back to Rae and Tess.

  "Go ahead," Rae encourages. "We'll get drinks and meet you in a sec."

  I nod and excuse myself through the crowd of people drinking and talking.

  Nyelle is leaning against the back of the couch when I finally reach her.

  "Hey." I stand across from her, close enough to touch her. When she looks up at me with a weak smile, I'm tempted to. But I don't. "Are you okay?"

  She unzips her jacket and pulls it off, stuffing it between her knees. Underneath is a large orange and red sweater that hangs off her. She's cut holes in the sleeves for her thumbs to stick out, like she did her other sweater.

  And then it hits me... I've never seen her hands. I know this is a weird thought. But the realization comes out of nowhere, and now I'm staring at the tips of her fingers, which are barely sticking out of her sweater. Why have I never seen her hands?

  "Yeah, I'm fine," Nyelle responds. "How are you?" When I don't answer, she waves her hidden hand in front of my face, snapping me out of it.

  "Oh, uh, I'm great."

  "I didn't know you had a friend visiting from home," she says, resting her hands beside her hips on the couch.

  "I didn't get to see you this week to tell you," I say, trying not to look at her hands.

  "How long is she going to be here?" Nyelle asks, sea
rching the crowd in the kitchen. I study her darting eyes. She still seems... riled. Did someone say something to her to piss her off? Or is this about Rae? Did she recognize her? Is that really what the backyard was all about?

  "We fly back home together on Wednesday for Thanksgiving break."

  "Oh," is her only response. She draws in a deep breath, like she's still trying to calm down.

  "Are you sure you're okay?"

  Before she can answer, Eric comes up beside me and claps a hand on my shoulder.

  "Hey, I'm Eric," he says without waiting for an introduction. He's staring. I can understand why he's staring, but I'm tempted to elbow him in the ribs to make him stop.

  "Eric, this is Nyelle."

  "Oh! Lake Girl!" he exclaims with a laugh.

  Nyelle smiles. "You told him about the Titanic?"

  I nod.

  "That was completely my fault," Nyelle tells him.

  "Yeah, well, guys do stupid things for a girl when we want to get laid." Eric laughs.

  "You wanted to get laid?" Nyelle gawks at me.

  "What? Me?! Not in the boat, no," I fumble. This time I do elbow Eric, and he fights to hide the pain with a short cough as his face reddens. It would make my life so much easier if he'd think before he spoke. The guy has no filter.

  "Yeah, well, we did get practically naked," Nyelle adds, looking me in the eye with a playful grin.

  "You did? Hey, you didn't tell me that part," Eric complains.

  "No, I didn't," I respond, still connected with Nyelle.

  "Don't look now, but Liza's at your five o'clock," Eric whispers loudly so we can all hear him.

  "Oh, I liked Liza," Rae says, sneaking in beside me with Tess next to her. Tess passes Nyelle a drink, and Rae hands me a beer.

  "Thanks," I reply, taking it from her. I catch Liza's eye and she smiles. I liked Liza too. She's pretty, intelligent, funny, but...

  "Hi, Cal. Eric." She greets us with a nod, then looks to everyone else, waiting to be introduced.

  "Hi, Liza. Um. This is Nyelle, Tess and Rae."

  "Oh, you're Rae!" she says excitedly. Then pauses and tightens her eyes. "I'm sorry, but I guess I always thought you'd be... taller. Maybe it's the way Cal always talked about you; he made you sound..."

  "Badass?" Eric offers. Liza laughs.

  "How's your brother?" Rae asks her. Liza's brother was in a serious car accident at the end of last semester. Maybe that's why we broke up. She had to go home to be with her family. I think about it. No. That's not it. That happened after I ended things.

  "Wow, you do tell her everything, huh?" Liza teases me. "Um, he's good. Fully recovered. Thanks." She glances up at me and smiles. "Well, it was good to see you, Cal. Have fun tonight, guys."

  Then she disappears back in the direction she came from.

  "I remember her," Eric adds. "I liked her too."

  "She's another of your broken hearts?" Nyelle confirms.

  "You know!" Rae exclaims, instantly bonding with Nyelle over my relationship failures. I should've seen this coming.

  "I told you he'd break your heart," Nyelle leans over and whispers loudly to Tess.

  Tess's eyes grow wide and her mouth drops open in shock.

  "No, no, no." Rae shakes her head. "Don't go there, Tess. You seem like a really nice girl. Stay away from him. He's relationship challenged. Really."

  Tess chokes. Her face is turning redder by the second.

  "Tess, let's go get you a drink," Eric offers gently, taking her by the hand.

  "I have one," she says quietly, holding up her cup.

  "Well, then, let's just move into the other room until your face returns to the color it's supposed to be."

  I want to apologize. But I know it'll only make things worse because she won't know if I'm apologizing because it's true, or because they just called her out on liking me and I can't reciprocate. Either way, it's better that she walk away.

  "I'm trying to remember the excuse you used when you broke up with Liza," Rae says, concentrating. "What was it?"

  "My question is: Do you regret it?" Nyelle asks.

  "No," I answer without hesitation. She grins. Rae looks between us suspiciously. When her focus lingers on Nyelle a little too long, I nudge her to make her stop.

  Nyelle doesn't notice. She's too busy digging gummy bears out of her front pocket. "Want one?" she offers us with her sweater-covered palm held out.

  "No, thanks," I respond, taking a swig of the shit beer in my hand. Rae picks one up and bites its head off before tossing the rest in her mouth.

  "I think we should go back to your place," Rae announces after chugging the rest of her beer. "This party's lame. We could do so much better on our own. Let's pick up some Jack on the way. Nyelle, wanna come back to Cal's?"

  Nyelle hesitates, then focuses on me as if she's waiting for some sort of assurance. I raise my brow in encouragement and she replies, "Sure."

  Rae cuts through the kitchen, pockets a couple more beers, and hollers to Eric and Tess, "We're out of here. Let's go." Effortlessly parting the crowd, she struts to the back door.

  Nyelle looks after Rae and smiles. "I like her."

  I laugh. "Yeah. Me too."

  *

  I'm leaning against the kitchen counter, staring at the bathroom door, waiting for Nyelle and Rae to come out. They've been in there since Eric left to bring Tess back to the dorms. That was twenty minutes ago.

  "No way!" I hear Nyelle shout through the door.

  Rae laughs. "Seriously, it's true!"

  I'm afraid to know what they're talking about.

  The door opens, and Eric walks in. "Hey. Where are the girls?"

  I direct my eyes toward the bathroom just as a burst of laughter filters through.

  "What are they doing in there?" he asks, standing next to me with his arms crossed to watch the door.

  I shrug. "Who knows. What do girls do in the bathroom together anyway?"

  "Talk about guys," Eric replies. "Except Rae doesn't like guys. Which means they're probably talking about you."

  I stiffen. "What?" I've been worried that Rae's drunk enough to let something slip. Or bitter enough to unleash the grudge she's been holding all these years. But the laughter doesn't sound hostile, which makes me paranoid that they are talking about me.

  "Oh, and I don't understand why you don't like Tess. She's a cool girl," he continues. "I got her number. But would that mean I'm getting your sloppy seconds?"

  "That doesn't even make sense! There's nothing sloppy about Tess, and it's not seconds because I never asked her out. She's great, but I'm not interested in dating her."

  "Because you want her roommate," he says, nodding toward the bathroom. "Why didn't you tell me Lake Girl was fucking hot?"

  Nyelle's hysterical laughter moves my feet toward the door.

  I knock. "Hey, are you two coming out?"

  "I already did our freshman year, remember?" Rae hollers back. Nyelle laughs. "You were there. It was fucking funny. I thought Brady was going to have a heart attack."

  "Yeah, I was there," I respond with a sigh. "Come out of the bathroom. You've been in there for over a half hour."

  *

  "So I was hoping to talk to you about something," Rae says to me as we're waiting for Brady and Craig to show up. They called a while ago and said they were riding their bikes over. They also said they scored a bottle of vodka from Craig's parents' liquor cabinet. If it's the same bottle we drank from last summer, then I know it's half water, so it's not that big of a score.

  "Yeah, what's up?" I respond, not looking up from the video game on my phone.

  "Cal." Her voice is serious and stern. It's the voice she uses with her brother when he's in deep shit.

  I close the gaming app and give her my full attention.

  Rae opens her mouth, then closes it. She's nervous, and Rae is never nervous about anything.

  "Are you pregnant?" I blurt.

  "No!" She punches me in the arm. "I'm not pregnant, y
ou loser. I'm--"

  "I know you missed me!" Brady yells, rolling up the driveway on his bike. Rae sinks back into the couch and closes her eyes. I know she won't tell me now. "Come on, my Rae of sunshine. Tell me how much you missed me."

  "Not even a little," she grumbles.

  "You'll come around," he says with a wink.

  Craig pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniel's, not vodka. Rae stands up abruptly, opens the bottle, and takes a huge swig, then coughs from the burn.

  "Nope. I never will, Brady." She coughs again and then clears her throat. "Because I don't like dicks." Then she takes another shot straight from the bottle.

  "Easy there," Craig warns, holding his hand out to take the liquor back.

  "That's kinda harsh," Brady says, feigning heartbreak.

  "You're not listening. I. Don't. Like. Dicks."

  We freeze. Brady with a hand over his heart. We stare at her. It's silent until I utter, "Makes sense that you're not pregnant."

  *

  "We'll be right out!" Rae yells back.

  I groan in frustration and rest my head on the doorframe. Behind me, I hear Eric tear open a bag of chips.

  The door opens.

  "You have chips!" Nyelle exclaims. She walks right past me without a glance and straight to Eric.

  I stare at her. "You heard him open that bag? You mean that's all I had to do to get you to come out?"

  Nyelle laughs and scoops out a handful of Doritos.

  Rae follows after her. I watch her, looking for some hint on her face as to what they talked about for so long. She sits on at the end of the couch wearing the most frustrating grin. What the hell?

  I sit on the other side of the couch and make eye contact. I widen my eyes, silently begging for any assurance at all. She continues to wear a tilted grin. I want to strangle her.

  I raise my hands in frustration and she smiles wider, torturing me. We're interrupted when Nyelle bounces down on the cushion between us, kicking off her shoes and crossing her legs.

  "God, I love Doritos. Except they make your breath smell for hours after."

  "Truth." Eric agrees with a dramatic nod of his head.

  "Oh! I remember why you dumped Liza!" Rae exclaims suddenly, making everyone turn toward her. "She wanted you to meet her parents. So you ended it."

  Eric starts laughing. "Yeah. That's right."

  It comes back to me too. "We'd only been dating a month. I wasn't ready to meet her parents."

  "But couldn't you have told her that instead of dumping her?" Nyelle asks, brushing the Dorito crumbs off her jeans. "Maybe she would've understood."