The Poi Predicament

by Lyle Christie

  In it, he was a gin-swilling riverboat captain who was persuaded by a straight laced missionary to use his boat to attack an enemy warship. To perform this feat, he was forced at one point to literally drag his boat through a leach filled stream in order to reach the lake. Our stream didn’t have any leeches, and our lake would likely be the FBI’s local SWAT Team, so my task somehow felt a bit easier. Still, I had a stream to traverse and two people to keep safe from a number of armed hostiles who had the advantage of the high ground. Fuck it—if those fuckers really wanted to kill us that badly, then they would have to come down here and fucking find us first.

  We continued on, and the shooting stopped for the moment, which meant that our enemy was either closing in on our location or high tailing it out of here. Unfortunately, it turned out to be the latter, as, just as we came around a bend, I heard a feint noise a little ways off to our left.

  “Did you hear that?” I asked.

  “Yeah, it kind of sounded like a twig snapping.”

  “Shit, I was thinking the same thing.”

  I shimmied up to the edge of the stream and did a quick sweep with the rifle’s scope, and, there, two hundred yards away, was a person in fatigues moving quickly along the tree line. He made an enticing target but shooting him meant giving away our position, and, right now, anonymity was more important than revenge. I continued to sweep the edge of the tree line and soon found another of the shooters moving in the same direction.

  “It would appear that they’re trying to head us off at the base of the valley,” I said, to Violet.

  “Seriously now, who in the hell would attempt to murder an FBI Agent and a special investigator for the fucking vice president of the United States?”

  “Very good question, and the answer is someone with a serious grudge and a major league set of balls.”

  “Yeah, so what do we do now?”

  “I could move up the valley and draw them back this way while you continue on and slip out. It would probably buy us enough time until help arrived.”

  “Fuck that. We’re staying together.”

  “OK, but that means we need to cover some serious ground. You up for some running and gunning?”

  “Do you think I got this body sitting at a desk?”

  She had a point, and so we turned around and started moving up the stream, hoping to gain distance, and, therefore, precious time. As we came around a small bend in the river, a bullet suddenly ricocheted off a rock to our right, and it sent up a spray of fragments. Violet and I ducked down and crawled on our hands and knees for the opposite bank, where I slithered up the side and found a small opening between two rocks that I could use to look for the stray shooter. I scanned the horizon, desperately hoping that I could find him before he found me, and I was relieved when a small glint of light caught my eye. I looked more closely and found my shooter was lying down and apparently waiting to ambush us in the event that we doubled back. Fuck, these fuckers knew what the fuck they were doing.

  Now that we were surrounded and they had a good idea of our position, there was also no sense in hiding any more, and that meant I finally got to shoot back. I relaxed my breathing, adjusted for distance and wind, then pulled the trigger. The shot was on target but I’d underestimated the distance, and the bullet dropped down and impacted into the ground and sprayed the shooter with a cloud of fragments. He stood and ran for cover, and I shot two more times, and, while both missed, they had at least made the fucker run a lot faster. Now, we had to be extremely careful, as their friends would be coming this way.

  “Time to move downstream.”

  “Wait, won’t they be waiting for us?”

  “No, they’ll be expecting us to run like hell upstream, so my goal is to slip through them.”

  I’m not sure Violet agreed with my strategy, but she followed me, and we began moving quickly downstream. The water made it a slow going at times and a little noisy, but we didn’t have time to care, as our goal was to keep moving then go full stealth only when they got close. Ten long minutes passed, and I was sweating profusely and looked over to see how Violet was doing. She appeared to be just fine in spite of a nice patch of sweat that had formed on her chest and was making her breasts, or, more specifically, her nipples somewhat visible beneath her white shirt. She of course caught me looking and scowled.

  “Seriously? We’re on the run from a bunch of killers, and you’re checking out my boobs?”

  “Well, boobs and nipples, but I would think you’d see that as a compliment.”

  She thought for a moment then nodded.

  “Annoyingly, I suppose you’re right.”

  We continued on, and just ahead there was a waterfall, so we needed a detour. I stepped up onto a rock to see where we could climb around and froze when I heard the sound of footsteps coming up the river.

  “They’re making a lot of fucking noise, so, I’m thinking they’re beating the bushes in order to try and flush us out like grouse.”

  “The birds?”

  “Yeah, and in Scotland they have beaters that flush out the grouse, so that hunters can shoot them.”

  “I get it. We’re the grouse, so we obviously need to hide—but where?”

  “Did you see Rambo?”

  “One, two, three, and four?”

  “Two.”

  “Yeah, why?”

  “I’m thinking about performing a reenactment of the part where Rambo is being chased through the jungle by the Viet Cong, and he hides, only to reappear when he opens his eyes to reveal he’s encased in the muddy hillside?”

  “Please don’t tell me we’re going to bury ourselves in the mud.”

  “We’re not, but we are going to hide right here behind the waterfall, then let them go right past us.”

  “What about your phone? It is our only link to the outside world.”

  “It’s waterproof.”

  “No, it’s not. I have the same fucking one.”

  “No, you have a lowly eight while this is the ten.”

  “Oh, well hello, Mr. Fancy Pants.”

  “Hey, I live on the water. Do you know how many fucking iPhones I’ve accidentally dropped in the bay?”

  “Plenty I’m sure, but what I’d like to know is if the ten can withstand being run over by a car. If so, then we’re going to the Apple Store—assuming we survive, that is.”

  “We’re going to survive all right, as long as we get our asses into the water.”

  We slipped into the cool water and started swimming towards the falls on the far end, as I figured that we could hold up in the relief behind it and slip under if anyone got too close. The moving water also meant that the bottom was constantly being churned up with sediment, and that would limit visibility beneath the surface and make for an even better hiding spot. We passed under the cascade of water and quietly waiting for our pursuers. A minute later, a guy carrying a sniper rifle appeared from down river, and he was fully decked out in combat gear that even included a balaclava to cover his face. More unsettling was that he moved with the practiced efficiency of a highly trained soldier, and that meant he had his weapon at the ready as he visually swept the countryside for signs of us. Thankfully, we’d been traveling via the river and therefore had left no trace of our passage.

  Violet reached over and gently squeezed my arm, and I motioned for her to move even farther back behind the waterfall. Meanwhile, the guy stopped and spoke into his head mic then waited with his gaze unfaltering and his weapon at the ready. A moment later, three more men arrived, and they did a quick visual sweep of the area before one guy, the apparent leader, pointed in our direction. It was a smart move, as it was the first place I’d look. I squeezed Violet’s hand and pointed down, and she understood and waited for my next signal. Two of the men started walking over, so I squeezed her hand again, and down we went. I looked up through the blurry haze of the water and watched as the men approached with their rifles at the ready. I glanced over at Violet, and she gave me a thumbs up, s
o I turned my gaze back to the men and watched as they continued to stand there. It felt like minutes passed, but it was probably no more than seconds, and I was starting to feel that burning in my lungs that occurred when your body’s need for precious oxygen overruled your mind. Violet appeared to be feeling the same way, so I took hold of her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Just a little longer and they would give up and leave. We locked eyes again, and I could see she was distressed, but she was able to use her mind to override her body’s desire to surface. At long last, the two men turned and headed back to rejoin the others, and it allowed Violet and me to rise to the surface and take that glorious first breath. We had to be careful not to make too much noise, but, thankfully, the sound of the waterfall covered our labored breathing as we floated there and took in precious oxygen. The men exchanged some words then hightailed it down the valley.

  “Good job,” I whispered to Violet.

  “That was getting a little tough at the end.”

  “No shit, and you were amazing.”

  “I was just trying to stay alive.”

  “Believe me, I’ve spent a lot of time with some very tough, very resilient people, and few to none of them could have handled themselves as well as you have today.”

  “You’re only saying that because you like my tits.”

  “Well, of course I like your tits, but I also like your face, ass, shapely thighs, and of course your personality as well as your stubborn nature.”

  “You do realize you mentioned personality second to last.”

  “Yeah, but at least I mentioned it.”

  “Very funny,” she said, as she gave me a friendly though strong punch in the arm.

  “OK, fine, I find it all equally great—even the stubbornness.”

  “Good, now let’s get the fuck out of here.”

  She moved closer and kissed me, and I could feel that her cheeks were cold from the water, but her lips were warm. Adrenaline was truly an effective aphrodisiac, and we were suddenly enjoying a very pleasant and impromptu meeting of the mouths. Sadly, I was pretty sure it was the first time I had kissed a girl beneath a waterfall, so, of course, the moment had to be overshadowed by the presence of a pack of ruthless killers. After parting lips, we heard a helicopter off in the distance, and I desperately hoped that it might be the cavalry. Violet and I climbed out of the river and up to where we had a better view and saw the helicopter coming in from the direction of Walther’s house. As it grew closer, I could see it was the Air National Guard, and we began to wave our arms in the hope that they would see us. Annoyingly, it flew past and appeared to land lower in the valley. Shit—we were still on our own, so we set off down river towards our potential rescuers but took it slow and kept our movements stealthy. A short distance away, we heard numerous footfalls coming from lower in the valley, and we paused to listen.

  “Do you think it’s the good guys or the bad guys?” Violet asked.

  “No idea, so we better hide just to be safe.”

  We moved away from the stream and slipped into a crevice behind a massive boulder that would give us a good observation point as well as an excellent field of fire should we end up in a shootout. I kept my finger resting on the trigger as we listened to the footsteps draw closer. We still didn’t hear any talking, and I took it as a bad omen, because if they were the good guys then they should be calling out to us. We both therefore sat there as still as the earth beneath us until at last hearing a voice that we both thankfully recognized. It was Violet’s ex-boyfriend Dave, and this time I was actually happy to see him.

  “Violet!” he called out.

  “I’m here,” she responded.

  Violet and I climbed out from behind the boulder and saw that we were surrounded by the FBI’s local SWAT team as well as Dave, who was looking a bit harried.

  “Why the hell didn’t you say something sooner?” Violet asked angrily.

  “We didn’t want to give our position away until we were certain it was you.”

  “Well then how the hell did you know we were even here?”

  “We’ve been tracking your phones, except yours went dead a little while ago,” he said, to Violet.

  Two thumbs up for the FBI. For once, I was extremely grateful for their diligence, expertise, and intrusive nature. As we stood there feeling relieved to have survived, Dave grew oddly quiet and looked puzzled as he stared at my chest. For some reason his puzzlement transformed into outright anger, and his face became flushed with blood.

  “Is that my T-shirt?” he asked.

  “Um—no.”

  “It is, isn’t it?”

  “Dude, with all that’s just happened, you’re curious about my fucking T-shirt?”

  “Yeah—as how many Han Job T-shirts can there be on the island of Oahu?”

  “I’m guessing at least two.”

  “Dave, who cares about a fucking T-shirt? The important thing is that we’re alive,” Violet interjected.

  He continued to stare at the shirt for a moment, but fortunately he gave it a rest, and we began making our way south to where the FBI had set up a temporary base camp. We reached it about ten minutes later to find a swarm of agents and a number of local police.

  “Where’s the Air National Guard helicopter?” I asked.

  “We told them we had the situation covered, so it left.”

  “Any sign of the bad guys that were trying to kill us?”

  “Nope, they must have left in a real hurry when they saw us arrive.”

  “Figures. They were obviously professionals and knew when the hell it was time to exfiltrate the area.”

  “Speaking of which—mind telling me what the hell you two were doing up here?” Dave asked.

  “We were hoping to meet with our last decent lead,” Violet said.

  “Did you find him?”

  “No, we didn’t.”

  “Well, could you at least give me a quick rundown of what the hell is going on here? I mean some people just tried to murder a federal agent for fuck’s sake.”

  “And me,” I added.

  “Yeah, and you,” Dave said, with a distinct lack of interest.

  I realized that Dave obviously didn’t know or understand the extent and importance of our investigation, so it was probably time to explain it all. Violet looked to me, and I nodded my approval, so she proceed to give him a quick accounting of the situation and all of the events that had transpired thus far. He listened without interrupting then took a long, quiet moment to think after she finished.

  “Seriously now, Violet, do you know how extremely stupid it was to be this far off the grid without any backup?” he asked.

  He was technically correct, though I would have never suspected that Violet and I would have been put in the crosshairs. I suppose it did, however, provide us with yet another clue as to the ruthlessness of our enemy. They would apparently go to all ends to achieve their goals and kill anyone who got in the way—even a federal officer.

  “Yes, now chill out, Dave.” Violet said.

  Dave made a pained face and groaned as he turned to rejoin his fellow agents while Violet and I waited on the periphery. Fifteen minutes later, it was officially time to clear out and head back to the Bureau’s headquarters to write up an incident report. With my Suburban out of commission, it was also time to get a new rental car, though there weren’t any local offices on the north shore. That meant we would be riding with Dave all the way back to Honolulu. Lovely. We loaded up in Dave’s car, which was a white government issued Ford Fusion identical to Violet’s, then headed back towards the main highway. Violet inexplicably chose to sit in the backseat, and that put me next to Dave—something that I imagine made both of us uncomfortable. The first few minutes went by quietly, and no one spoke a word until Dave looked over and glanced at the T-shirt.

  “So, where did you get the shirt?” he asked.

  I looked at Violet then back to Dave before responding.

  “Amazon.”

  “
Good answer.”

  I thought so.

  “How about we grab a coffee at the Starbucks. I’m suddenly feeling a little under caffeinated,” I said.

  “Coffee? Seriously?” Dave asked.

  “Yeah, I could use a little pick me up after all that running and gunning, but don’t worry your pretty little head, as it’s my treat.”

  “Fine.”

  We reached the main highway, and Dave made a right and took us into the small shopping center that housed the Starbucks. The three of us exited the car and walked in to find it fairly busy with the midday lunch rush in effect. We eventually got to the front counter, and Violet and I ordered grande coffees with room for cream.

  “You really buying?” Dave asked.

  “Yeah, it’s the least I can do.”

  “All right then. I’ll take a caramel macchiato and a grilled ham and cheese panini.”

  “That’s kind of a dick move,” Violet said.

  “What? He offered.”

  “Coffee—not lunch.”

  “It’s OK,” I said.

  We walked over and joined the small crowd of people waiting for their drinks, and Dave again looked at my shirt.

  “So, how much was it?”

  “Twenty dollars.”

  “Does that include shipping?”

  “No, I have Amazon Prime, so the two day shipping was free.”

  “Good for you.”

  Jesus, Dave really wasn’t giving up on the whole T-shirt thing. If he loved this fucking T-shirt so much, he should have taken it with him when they broke up. Our coffees arrived, but Dave had ordered a fancy drink and sandwich, so it would be another five minutes before he got his order. In the meanwhile, Violet and I added cream and stood there enjoying our coffees.

  “Do you know how many calories there are in a caramel macchiato?” I asked Dave.

  “I don’t care. I like them.”

  “Two hundred and forty, and sixty of those are from fat.”

  “Not a problem. As you can see I stay in shape.”

  “Yeah, though not if you drink too many of those, but don’t worry, because a chubby face will make you look younger.”

  Dave stewed for a moment then turned to me.