by Nic Saint
“Sure,” said Garth. “I’ll handle this.”
And after a final penetrating look at the girl, the captain was off.
“I–I don’t have my phone on me at the moment,” the girl said. She was young and fair-haired and she was around fifteen or sixteen years of age.
“Oh, Ruby, for Pete’s sakes, don’t lie to the man,” said what obviously was her mother, a handsome woman with flaxen hair and a round face.
“Yeah, don’t make things worse for yourself,” said the man I assumed was her dad.
“No, but it’s true, I must have forgotten it in the cabin,” Ruby insisted.
“Does your daughter own a Samsung foldable phone worth two thousand dollars, Mr. Kettering?” asked Garth now.
“No, she doesn’t,” said the man, looking a little ill at ease.
“Daddy!” said Ruby, then rolled her eyes. “Oh, the doofus,” she muttered.
“I promised that after the last time this happened I would stop covering for you, young lady,” said her dad. “Now tell this nice gentleman exactly what happened.”
“Nothing happened! I just thought that was my phone so—”
“She owns a Samsung but not one of those foldable ones,” said the girl’s mother quietly. “And we’ve been in this type of situation before, isn’t that so, Ruby?”
“Mom!”
“Ruby’s got a slight problem with…” The woman lowered her voice. “Kleptomania.”
“Can you please repeat that, Mrs. Kettering?” asked Garth, who I assumed was in charge of ship security.
“Kleptomania,” the woman repeated quietly.
“What’s kleptomania, Max?” asked Dooley.
“Um, well, kleptomaniacs are people who can’t stop taking things that don’t necessarily belong to them,” I said. “Shoplifting, but also stealing things from other people. They don’t steal for profit, but simply because they can’t help themselves.”
“So it’s like an addiction?”
“More like an affliction.”
“Poor girl.”
“And poor people whose very expensive phone she just tried to steal.”
“Look, I think I might be able to convince the person whose phone you took not to press charges,” said Garth. “But you have to promise me that this will never happen again, all right?”
“Ruby?” asked her mother, as the girl stood frowning darkly into the middle distance, obviously not happy that her parents had ratted her out. “Ruby, tell this man you’ll never do it again.”
“All right, fine,” said Ruby finally. “I’ll never do it again, sir.”
“Garth,” said Garth with a smile. “Garth Dagit. And I’m going to hold you to that, Ruby. Also, if this does happen again, I’ll have no alternative but to report it to the authorities.”
“And what authorities would that be?” asked Ruby’s dad. “American authorities or…”
“The Queen of the Seas sails under the flag of Barbados,” said Garth. “Though if this would have happened while we were anchored in port, the local authorities would have jurisdiction.”
“Sounds complicated,” said the man with a worried frown at his wife. He probably envisioned his daughter doing hard time in some Panamian prison, or a Costa Rican one.
“It is,” Garth assured him. “But none of this should concern you, if Ruby keeps her promise.” He turned his clear blue eyes on the teenager. “You will keep your promise, won’t you, Ruby?”
“Yes, of course,” said the girl with a touch of petulance. “I said I would, didn’t I? Now can we finish our dinner? I didn’t finish my dessert.”
“Ruby, be polite and say thank you to Garth.”
“Thank you, Garth,” said Ruby, though not as politely as she could have, after this brush with the law. And then she was off, followed by her mom and dad.
Garth stared after the trio, and his face betrayed his annoyance. Clearly he didn’t give much credence to Ruby’s promises. And neither, I had to say, did I. I don’t know why, but I had the distinct feeling this young kleptomaniac would soon cross our path again.
6
We hurried back to deliver our report of recent events to Odelia and Chase but when we arrived they’d already been joined by a new set of people so we settled underneath Odelia’s chair once more, and patiently bided our time. The people who’d joined them were their neighbors: Bertha Biles, her daughter Laura, husband David and the carer.
“You really should ask for a bigger cabin,” said Mrs. Biles. “No, really,” she insisted when Odelia demurred. “Honeymooners such as yourselves? I’ll talk to the captain—he’s an old friend. I’m sure he’ll be able to give you an upgrade.” Once more she was holding that small white ball in her lap. Only this time I had the impression it was moving—a trick of the light, of course.
“No, that’s fine,” said Odelia with a laugh. “We love our cabin, don’t we, babe?”
“Oh, absolutely,” said Chase. “It’s got an amazing view from the balcony.”
“But this is your honeymoon!” said the woman, patting the table. “You should get the most out of it!”
“We certainly intend to,” said Odelia, cutting a loving smile to her husband as they held hands under the table.
“Just leave them be, Mama,” said the woman’s daughter. “Can’t you see they’re perfectly happy?” She glanced in the direction of her stepfather, who was in fact nearer her own age than her mother’s.
“That man is awfully young to be Mrs. Biles’s husband, don’t you think, Max?” asked Dooley, who’d made the same observation.
“Yes, he is. But then I guess there’s no age limit on love, Dooley.”
“How old do you think she is? And how old do you think he is?”
“Well… It’s hard to put an age on a person, but I’d put Bertha in her early fifties, her husband probably twenty years her junior? But that doesn’t mean a thing Dooley,” I quickly chided my friend for his inopportune remarks. “The main thing is that they love each other. Age is just a number, after all.”
“Did you guys see Lil Thug?” asked Adele, the carer with the suspiciously dark hair. “I’ve been looking for him everywhere.”
“He was here before. He said he wanted to get some rest. He’s got a show tomorrow,” said Odelia.
“Oh, that’s right,” said Mrs. Biles. “He’s some kind of singer, isn’t he?”
“He’s only the greatest rapper in the world, Mama!” said her daughter with a laugh. “Here, I’ll let you listen to some of his music. He’s brilliant. An absolute genius.”
“No, thank you very much,” said the woman decidedly. “I’m not into rap, and I just know I’ll find it terrible.”
“No, you won’t. He’s very creative. Even people who usually don’t like rap are into his stuff. Listen to this.” And before her mother could protest, she’d shoved her phone into the woman’s face and we were all treated to a short sampling of the man’s creative genius. I must say it didn’t impress me to a great degree. His creative genius seemed to be limited to inventing new swear words and complaining about the state of the world.
“I hate it,” said Mrs. Biles, and brushed her daughter’s phone away from her face. “Please turn it off before I lose my appetite.”
“But he’s a genius, Mama!”
“Doubtful,” said the woman, and brought a shrimp to her lips. “And I sincerely hope he’ll clean up his language before tomorrow night. This is a family cruise, you know.”
“So are you a fan, Adele?” Odelia asked, addressing Mrs. Biles’s carer.
“Oh, for sure. I’m probably the man’s biggest fan.”
“That’s impossible, cause I’m his biggest fan,” said Laura as she put away her phone.
“Adele loves music,” said Bertha Biles. “And even though we don’t always see eye to eye on everything, we travel together all the time. Isn’t that right, Adele?”
“Absolutely. We’re joined at the hip, the two of us.”
“
You travel a lot?” asked Chase politely.
“All the time,” said Mrs. Biles. “And as often as I can with my husband and my daughter. I just hate sitting at home. I don’t have any hobbies besides traveling, and the worst thing you can do is tell me I can’t travel. I’d go nuts.”
“Oh, that’s not entirely true, Mama,” said Laura. “You love to entertain, don’t you?”
“That’s true,” Mrs. Biles admitted. “I do love to throw a good party.”
“Where do you live?” asked Odelia as she sipped from her glass of wine.
“Arlington, Virginia. You have to visit me sometime, once your honeymoon is over, and when I’m between cruises.”
“You do cruise a lot, don’t you, Mama?”
“What can I say? I love it. This is my seventh time on the Queen of the Seas. I could live on this boat. And why not? You always meet such interesting people, the food is great, the climate, the sights… The Caribbean cruises are my favorite, like this one and the Disney cruises. Though I like the Alaskan cruises, too. And the European ones.”
“I once read a story about a man who actually lives on a cruise ship,” said Odelia. “I mean actually lives his whole life on the boat. I can’t imagine what kind of life that is, though. I think I’d miss my family too much.”
“And what do you call home, dear?”
“Hampton Cove,” said Odelia. “Long Island. Right next to Happy Bays.”
“I don’t think I’ve heard of it,” said her husband.
“Oh, it’s just a small town, but it’s lovely, and since I’ve lived there all my life, I know just about everybody.”
“Her uncle is chief of police, and her uncle’s girlfriend is the mayor,” said Chase.
“And you’re a policeman, too?”
“That’s right. I’m a cop, and Odelia is a reporter, and occasional amateur sleuth.”
“You’re famous,” said Laura, waving her phone. “We googled you and found plenty of articles you wrote.”
“I wouldn’t exactly call myself famous,” said Odelia with a laugh. “But I’m the only reporter in town, apart from my editor, so if you google Hampton Cove my articles are bound to pop up.”
“You solved a lot of murders, too,” said Mrs. Biles, her eyes widening with interest.
“Oh, I wouldn’t say a lot…” Odelia murmured.
“Don’t be so modest, babe,” said Chase. “Odelia is an excellent sleuth,” he added, placing his arm around his wife’s shoulder. “In fact I wouldn’t know what to do without her—professionally or privately.”
“Oh, isn’t that sweet?” said Mrs. Biles, clasping her hands together. “Such a devoted couple. Who does that remind you of, honey?”
“Why, you and me, of course, sweetie,” said her young husband.
“Married three years this fall, and still as much in love as we were when we first met,” said Mrs. Biles, and pressed a sweet kiss on her husband’s lips.
“That’s so sweet, isn’t it, Max?” said Dooley with a sigh. “So in love.”
“Very sweet,” I agreed. But then I caught a look Laura gave David Biles, and wondered if there wasn’t more to the story. Because that look struck me as that of a woman deeply in love.
7
I can’t say I was completely at ease, but the fact that we’d been fed and that our two humans were close by did lull me into letting my guard down for a moment. And as Odelia and Chase chatted happily away with the members of the Biles family, I placed my chin on my front paws and was soon snoring away to my heart’s content.
But then something tapped me on the nose and I opened my eyes to discover that the white ball of fluff that had been in Mrs. Biles’s lap had come to life and was staring at me. It had momentarily retracted its paw with which it had flicked me across the nose but was now tentatively extending it again, clearly with the idea of repeating the procedure.
“Who are you and why are you touching my nose?” I asked therefore.
“Oh, ha!” said the tiny white hairball. “I thought you were dead!”
“I’m not dead,” I said, stating the obvious.
“Who’s dead?!” asked Dooley, who’d also woken up from this minor altercation.
“Nobody’s dead,” I said. But if this tiny hairball kept flicking me across the nose while I was trying to get a little shuteye I had a good idea who would be soon. Dead, I mean.
“I’m Salvatore,” said the hairball. “And who are you?”
“Salvatore?” I said, still not fully awake in spite of the harsh treatment.
“Isn’t that a coincidence?” said the ball of fluff. “So your name is Salvatore, too?”
“No, his name is Max,” said Dooley.
“Max?”
“That’s me,” I said, and yawned prodigiously.
“Are you… a ferret?” asked Dooley now, taking a keen interest in the tiny ball.
“No, I’m a dog,” said Salvatore happily, not the least bit insulted by this mix-up. “A teacup Maltese, in fact.”
“Teacup?” asked Dooley. “What do you mean?”
“That’s what I am. A teacup Maltese, on account of the fact that I’m smaller than a regular Maltese dog, I guess.”
“Oh, you’re a dog,” said Dooley.
“That’s right. I’m a dog.”
“And you live in a teacup.”
“No, I don’t live in a teacup,” said Salvatore with an indulgent smile. “How about you?”
“No, I don’t live in a teacup either,” said Dooley, “and neither does Max.”
“No, I mean: who do you belong to?”
“Oh. Well, this is our human,” said Dooley, gesturing to Odelia, who was still talking a mile a minute to her new friends. “Odelia Poole. She’s a reporter and she’s here on her honeymoon. And that’s her husband Chase. He’s a cop.”
“A cop!” “said Salvatore, much surprised. “I didn’t know cops honeymooned.”
“Cops are just like regular people,” said Dooley. “They eat, they sleep, and they go on honeymoons.”
“Weird,” said Salvatore. “I always thought cops lived for their jobs. You know, take naps on their office couches. Wake up in the morning to grab a styrofoam cup of lousy coffee, eat lots of donuts and never take a vacation. And the only time they come near a woman is when they meet their ex-wives to argue about being late with their alimony.”
“I think you’ve been watching too many cop shows,” I told him. “Chase isn’t like that.”
“No, he doesn’t even have a couch in his office,” Dooley chimed in. “And he doesn’t eat donuts for breakfast. He does drink coffee, though, but it’s very delicious coffee, made with a coffeemaker. Except when Gran makes the coffee. Then it’s often undrinkable.”
“Gran?”
“Odelia’s grandmother lives with us now, and so do her parents, ever since Gran accidentally destroyed their house, so while it’s being rebuilt they all live together.”
“Huh,” said Salvatore. He probably had never seen that in any cop show.
“So how about your humans?” I asked. “Who do you belong to?”
“Bertha Biles,” said Salvatore proudly. “Best human in the world.”
“That’s impossible,” said Dooley. “Because Odelia is the best human in the world.”
“So maybe they’re both the best humans in the world,” I said, wanting to nip a potential argument in the bud. It’s never a good idea to get into an argument with a dog, even if he is the size of a teacup.
“You must lead an interesting life,” said Dooley, admiration clear in his voice. “Traveling all the time, going on cruise after cruise after cruise.”
“Not really,” said Salvatore with a shrug. “In fact this is the first cruise we’ve been on this year. Mostly we spend time at home nowadays.”
“Oh? But I thought Mrs. Biles said that you go on cruises pretty much back to back?”
“We used to, but lately money has been tight, and so we stopped doing that. Too bad, because
sitting at home is not doing Bertha any good.”
“Did she lose all of her money?” asked Dooley, always interested in this kind of soapy story.
“I’m not sure, but it is true that she’s been economizing. She used to have two carers, and she had to let one go and now only has Adele to take care of her.”
“And her husband and her daughter,” I said.
“Laura isn’t always around. She only joined this cruise because she’s paying.”
“Laura is paying for this cruise?”
“Yeah. She has a great job as a software engineer, and she makes a lot of money, and seeing her mother locked away at home she took pity on her and decided to give her this cruise as a treat.”
“Wouldn’t it have been nice for our family to have come out for this cruise, Max?” asked Dooley.
“No, Dooley, it wouldn’t,” I said. “This is Odelia’s honeymoon, and newlyweds don’t like it when they have to spend it with their entire family.”
“Oh,” said Dooley. Then he turned back to Salvatore, and I could see he had plenty more questions burning on his tongue. “So how did your human and her husband meet? Was it very romantic?”
“David was her physical therapist for a short while, and working together must have created a bond, cause soon after he arrived they decided to tie the knot.”
“All those massages must have done the trick,” I said.
“So has your human always been in a wheelchair, Salvatore?”
“Dooley, maybe you should take it easy with the third degree, huh?”
“No, that’s all right,” said Salvatore. “I’m happy to talk about Bertha. It’s not every day that I meet other pets. In fact I rarely meet anyone, so this is a real treat for me.”
I’d never heard a dog refer to his meeting with a pair of cats as a treat, so I raised both eyebrows in surprise.
“So Bertha lost the use of her legs shortly after Laura was born, back when she was still married to her first husband—Laura’s dad. This was shortly before he fell off a boat and was declared dead.”