by Nic Saint
“He fell off a boat?” I asked.
“Yeah, he was yachting with some friends in the South of France and fell off the boat in the middle of the night.”
“So maybe he swam to shore,” said Dooley. “Or maybe he was picked up by a Russian submarine. Or maybe he hit his head and lost his memory and now he thinks he’s Jason Bourne and he’s killing killers all over the world!”
“I doubt it,” said Salvatore. “Most probable explanation is that he was drunk and fell in and drowned.”
“What a story,” said Dooley, eyes wide with excitement. This was the stuff of soaps, of which he was a big fan.
“Anyway, officially he died. And Laura is too young to remember. She was only a baby when he disappeared.”
“And now she has a new daddy,” said Dooley. “David.”
“I don’t think she sees David as her daddy,” said Salvatore, cutting a quick glance to Laura, who was staring at David with the kind of look I’ve never seen a daughter give her daddy. More like the kind of look Daphne Bridgerton gives the Duke of Hastings across the breakfast table.
“Do you think Laura is in love with David?” I asked therefore.
Salvatore stared at me. “In love? What do you mean, in love? David is Laura’s stepdad, Max. How can she be in love with her stepdad?”
“Well, they’re about the same age,” I said. “So naturally I would assume that theirs is a bond of a different nature than simply stepdad and stepdaughter.”
Salvatore glanced up at Laura again. The girl had her chin in her hand and was gazing at David with unflinching intensity while the man expounded at length on the different benefits of physical therapy. It was clear to me that the love light was strong in this one.
“You know what?” said Salvatore. “I think you’re confusing gratitude for love, Max.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, Laura is obviously very grateful that David brought happiness into her mother’s life when he decided to marry her. Before David entered the picture, Bertha was prone to a certain moodiness. But since her surprise betrothal and subsequent marriage she’s been very happy. And Laura is simply grateful. That’s all there is to it.”
Laura looked more than grateful to me. In fact she looked like she wanted to make sweet, sweet love to the guy and feed him grapes in the aftermath. But I decided not to mention this to the teacup Maltese, who clearly was very fond of his human.
“I’m sure you’re right,” I said instead.
“She does look very grateful,” said Dooley. “She looks so grateful she could kiss him.”
“A chaste kiss,” I clarified when Salvatore frowned. “On the temple.”
8
That night we had our first Skype session with the family back home. Marge and Tex and even Gran had agreed not to skype the happy couple, wanting them to enjoy their honeymoon to the fullest, but Odelia and Chase insisted they wanted to keep the fam up to date and allow them to enjoy this happy vacation vicariously.
“So how is the food?” asked Marge, seated next to Tex and Gran. “Are they feeding you enough?”
“The food is fine, Mom,” said Odelia. “In fact the food is great.”
“Yeah, there’s plenty of restaurants to choose from,” said Chase, “so we decided to try a different one every day.”
“And how is the boat? It’s not one of those tiny old boats, is it?” asked Gran. “Where you constantly feel the motion of the ocean?”
“No, it’s a very big boat,” said Odelia. “Incredibly big, in fact. There must be thousands of people on board. There’s also an entire shopping mall on one of the lower levels, and restaurants, swimming pools, jacuzzis, a FlowRider surf simulator, climbing wall, state-of-the-art gym, movie theater, several bars, discos…”
“We already met a couple of our neighbors,” said Chase. “A great bunch of people.”
“In fact we have a very famous neighbor,” said Odelia.
“Who? Brad Pitt?” asked Gran excitedly.
“Not Brad Pitt. Lil Thug.”
There was silence on the other end, then Tex voiced the question that was clearly on all of their minds: “Who is Lil Thug?”
“Only one of the most famous rappers in the world.”
“A rapper? You’ve got a rapper as your neighbor?” asked Gran.
“A famous rapper. Isn’t that great?”
“Just make sure you put all your valuables in the cabin safe, honey. And lock it before you leave the cabin.”
“Oh, I don’t think Lil Thug is interested in our valuables, Gran. He’s got a diamond embedded in his forehead worth twenty million dollars.”
Gran blinked at this. “A diamond in his forehead? What the hell are you talking about?”
“He had a diamond implanted in his forehead,” Chase explained.
Gran stared at us. Then she shook her head. “Nah. I don’t get it.”
“It’s like a piercing,” Odelia said. “Only they used a diamond.”
“But… why?”
“Because it looks cool?” Chase offered.
“Cool! I’ll bet it makes him look like a complete moron!”
“No, it looks nice, in fact,” said Odelia. “Like some Indian women who put a red dot between their eyebrows? It’s called a bindi. Though those aren’t permanent I don’t think.”
“This is even worse than I thought,” said Gran. “This guy is obviously completely unhinged. Make sure you lock and bolt your door, unless you want Lil Mug or Lil Pug or whatever his name is to come barging in there in the middle of the night waving a machete.”
“Lil Thug is all right, Gran. He’s very fashion-conscious, which is where the diamond comes in.”
“He told us he’s been dreaming of owning this diamond for years,” Chase explained. “And how he’s been saving up so he could finally buy it.”
“Twenty million,” said Gran, sounding disgusted. “And to think there’s kids in Africa who don’t have anything to eat. You tell this thug from me that he’s a moron, will you?”
“They’re not going to do any such thing,” said Marge. “They’re going to enjoy their honeymoon and they’re going to get along with their neighbors.” She turned to the camera and raised her voice. “How is the bed? Do you think you’ll be able to sleep tonight?”
“The bed is just the best, Mom,” said Chase. “One of those box-spring beds that are so comfortable to sleep on.”
“Sleep!” Gran scoffed. “Do you really expect them to sleep on their honeymoon?” She gave her granddaughter a wink. “Plenty of nookie—that’s what honeymoons are for!”
Odelia’s face flushed a little, and even Chase looked slightly embarrassed.
“How are Max and Dooley?” asked Marge after a pause. “Are they settling in all right?”
“I’ll let them tell you themselves,” said Odelia, and turned her phone to me.
“I’m fine, Marge!” I said, probably a little too loud. I wasn’t used to skyping. It felt a little odd to be talking like this, especially since there was an obvious lag.
“Oh, good,” said Marge. “And remember, Max, if you get lost just head to the bow of the ship and wait for Odelia to come and find you.”
“The bow?” said Gran. “I thought we said the stern?”
“No, the bow. Don’t try to find the cabin, Max. On a big boat like that it’s easy to get lost, so you do what we tell you, all right?”
“I think we said the stern, or aft.”
“No, the bow. Just like Kate and Leo.”
“Oh, right, and then Max can sing about his heart that goes on and on.”
“He doesn’t have to sing, Ma. All he has to do is sit there and wait.”
“Or he can sit and wait and sing.”
“He won’t have to sit and wait and sing,” said Tex. “Max is a clever cat. He won’t get lost. Will you, Max?”
“I won’t get lost,” I said with an indulgent smile.
“He says he won’t get lost,” said Marge.
>
“Yeah, I figured that was what he said, honey.”
They’d given Dooley and me this safety briefing three times already. Not that I thought we’d need it. I had absolutely no intention of wandering off on my own. In fact if it was up to me I’d stay in the cabin the whole time, but Odelia would have none of that.
“We met a teacup dog today, Marge,” said Dooley. “He’s not small enough to fit inside a teacup, though, so I don’t really know why he would call himself a teacup dog, but he was very nice. He told us all about his humans.”
Gran grinned. “Of course you would start collecting shipboard gossip the moment you set paw on the boat. You’re my kind of cat, Dooley!”
“That’s because I am your cat, Gran!” Dooley yelled.
“What’s with the yelling?” she yelled. “I’m not deaf, you silly cat!”
“What are your plans for tonight?” asked Marge. “Party time?”
“No, I think we’ll turn in early,” said Odelia.
“Youth really is wasted on the young,” said Gran. “If I were in your shoes I’d party all night, every night. In fact Scarlett and I are planning to take the same trip next year. So you make sure you take plenty of pictures, you hear? I want to know everything.”
“You’re going on a cruise, Gran?” asked Chase.
“Oh, sure. Can’t wait, in fact.”
“Let’s first try to get our house rebuilt,” said Tex, “and then we’ll see about a cruise.”
“Killjoy,” Gran muttered.
“You guys have a great time,” said Marge. I was already turning away, figuring our Skype session was over, but then she said, “Max and Dooley, I have a little surprise for you. Come over here, will you?”
So we came over there, and lo and behold: Harriet and Brutus moved into view. Harriet was frowning, and the first thing she said was: “Why didn’t you take us along on your cruise? It’s not fair!”
9
“I knew I should have insisted,” said Harriet. “Now you’re having the time of your lives while we’re stuck here at home—bored out of our skulls with nothing to do!”
“I thought you started going back to cat choir?” I asked.
“Cat choir is fine, but it’s got nothing on a Caribbean cruise, Max.”
“Look, next time it will be our turn,” said Brutus. “Gran has already been making plans with Scarlett, and I’m sure she’ll take us along.”
“Besides, there’s nothing to be jealous about,” I said. “We’re on a boat, Harriet, in the middle of the ocean. Not exactly the kind of position a cat likes to be in.”
“Yeah, and there’s a lot of people,” said Dooley. “And we have to be very careful that we don’t get trampled.”
“You’re just saying that to make me feel better,” said Harriet, though judging from her tone, which was already slightly less fractious, she was susceptible to our arguments.
“Look, to be absolutely honest I can’t wait until we’re back in Hampton Cove,” I said. I glanced in the direction of the balcony, where Odelia and Chase were enjoying the view. I didn’t want to sound ungrateful, but putting two cats on a boat wasn’t exactly the done thing. And neither was putting them on a plane, which were exactly the two things we’d had to endure to share this honeymoon with our humans.
“We met two birds today,” said Dooley. “They were very nice. Weren’t they, Max?”
“Very nice,” I agreed. “So how is everybody over there?”
“Oh, fine,” said Harriet with a wave of her paw. “Shanille and I had an argument about my solo last night. And Gran wants to become an influencer and she wants Brutus and me to star in her videos and her Instagram photos, so there’s that to keep us busy.”
“Gran wants to become an influencer?” I asked, not all that surprised.
“Yeah, she figures she can make a lot of money, and pay for an extension to the house.”
“Oh, dear.”
“She wants to become famous and then she’ll get all kinds of stuff for free,” Brutus explained. “Though I think the getting famous part is the hardest part, and that’s exactly the part she hasn’t really talked about much.”
“Yeah, she’s more focused on the free stuff she’ll be getting,” said Harriet. “Like free cosmetics, free clothes, free shoes, free trips… free cruises.”
“So she wants to take this cruise for free next year?” I asked. “Paid for by some company after she becomes a famous influencer?”
“That’s the plan,” said Brutus with a shrug.
“We met two influencers,” said Dooley. “But I don’t think they’re rich. I think they’re poor.”
“Poor influencers?” asked Harriet. “I didn’t know that was a thing.”
“And clearly neither does Gran,” Brutus grunted, darting a quick look over his shoulder to make sure Gran wasn’t listening in on our conversation.
“So how is the honeymoon going?” asked Harriet. “Do they lock you guys up in the bathroom at night or what?”
I frowned at our friend. “First of all, we have yet to spend our first night aboard, and secondly, why would Odelia want to lock us in the bathroom?”
“Because of the honeymoon, silly.”
I stared at her, then shook my head. “I don’t get it.”
“Oh, Max, you can be so naive sometimes. What do people do on their honeymoon?”
I thought hard for a moment, then I finally caught her drift. “Oh.”
“Or maybe they’ve got a second room or something?”
I looked around. “No second room. Just this one—and a bathroom. A very small bathroom.”
Frankly I didn’t want to spend the night in that bathroom. I’m not prone to claustrophobia, but I had the distinct impression that I’d develop the condition in that tiny space if I had to stay there for the next ten nights.
“Why would Odelia lock us up in the bathroom, Max?” asked Dooley.
“Well…” I said, and cast a hopeful look at Harriet. But she was merely smirking, and smoothing her whiskers, waiting for me to explain to Dooley what honeymooners actually did on a honeymoon.
“You remember how you told me that Odelia and Chase were going to do a lot of kissing and make a lot of babies, right?” I began.
“Yes,” Dooley said with an interested nod.
“Well… usually when humans engage in that kind of activity they don’t like to be disturbed. Especially by their pets, if you see what I mean.”
Clearly Dooley did not see what I meant, for he was frowning. “But why wouldn’t they want us to be there when they kiss?”
“Um…” I cast another hopeful look at Harriet and Brutus, but they merely stared at me, curious how I was going to extricate myself from this situation Harriet had maneuvered me in. “Well… most humans, when they… kiss, they like a little privacy.”
“But they kiss all the time, and they don’t seem to mind that we’re there.”
“Okay. No, I see why you would think that. But in actual fact they do mind, only they’re too kind to tell us. But here, on their honeymoon, I’m sure they would appreciate it if we made ourselves scarce when they engage in all of this… kissing, see?”
“Oh, Dooley, don’t you get it?” said Harriet, clearly having had enough of this pussyfooting around. “Honeymooners need their privacy. It’s as simple as that. Now where are you two going to be when they’re consummating their marriage?”
“Consummating their marriage?” asked Dooley.
“It’s just a phrase,” I said quickly. “It means they’ll be celebrating the fact that they got married by kissing a lot.”
“Even more than they normally kiss?”
“Just a little bit more, perhaps.”
“More like a lot more,” said Brutus with a grin.
“Thanks, Brutus.”
“Like, a lot a lot.”
“Yes, we get it.”
“A lot a lot a lot.”
“Brutus!”
“We could sleep on the bal
cony,” said Dooley.
“Excellent idea,” I said. “The nights are nice and warm out here.”
“It is a little cramped,” said Dooley, taking in our postage stamp of a balcony.
“We can make an effort,” I said. “For Odelia and Chase.”
“Oh, sure. Absolutely.”
“Great. Now that that’s settled, I’m going to leave you guys to it,” said Harriet. And both she and Brutus cutting a final grin in our direction, she severed the connection.
Moments later, Odelia and Chase returned to the room, and Dooley said, “We’ve agreed to sleep out on the balcony, Odelia, so you and Chase can consummate your marriage. Is that all right with you?”
“What did he say?” asked Chase when Odelia started laughing.
“He wants us to consummate our marriage and so he suggested that he and Max sleep out on the balcony tonight.”
Chase also started laughing, and Dooley turned to me. “Did I say something funny?”
“Of course not, Dooley. You just made them both very happy, that’s all. That’s why they’re laughing so hard.”
Odelia and Chase had tears in their eyes now, and were practically rolling on the floor. Dooley eyed them with suspicion. “They seem to be very happy, Max.”
10
Instead of going to bed early, Odelia and Chase surprised us by inviting us for a walk on deck to enjoy some of that honeymoon romance under a moonlit sky. They didn’t have to tell us twice, as being cooped up on that tiny balcony for the rest of the night didn’t hold all that much appeal to me, to be completely honest.
So that’s why we now found ourselves taking a stroll on deck. There were still plenty of people around, but most of them were confined to the decks that offered the kind of nightlife your typical reveler craves. We, on the contrary, had sought out the relative peace and quiet of the upper deck, where only a few couples had the same idea as Chase and Odelia, and were strolling hand in hand or staring out across the vast ocean, taking in that fabled ocean air, and generally having a wonderful time.
Dooley and I decided to give our humans some space, and had taken up position near one of the lifeboats, which Dooley was studying carefully, presumably to see whether they were fit for duty if or when we happened to hit an iceberg.