If I Didn't Care

by Kait Nolan

  After a long minute, he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Thanks.”

  They sat. Judd opened the box and dug into the chicken strips inside.

  “Has there been any news?”

  “He came through surgery fine. Double bypass. Woke up a couple of hours ago, but I haven’t seen him.” Other officers from the department and had been in and out, but for the moment, he was up here alone.

  Mary Alice laid a hand on his knee. The small weight of it was a comfort. “I know cardiac stuff is particularly upsetting for you. But I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

  “Doc was optimistic. His granddaughter is on her way in from—I forget where—out West somewhere—to take care of him and make sure he follows orders. As long as he does that, he’ll be fine. But he’s done with work.”

  “So who’s going to run the department?”

  “For right now, me.”

  “They’re appointing you Chief?”

  Judd held up his hand for quiet, though the news would be getting out soon enough. “Interim.”

  Mary Alice tipped her head against his shoulder. “It seems wrong to congratulate you, even though this is what you’ve been working for.”

  “I know. But it is what it is. I’ll do whatever has to be done.”

  “You always do.”

  They lapsed into silence as he finished the food she’d brought.

  “Officer Hamilton?”

  Judd rose as a nurse approached. “Yes?”

  “Chief Curry is ready to see you now.”

  “Is he—”

  “He’s tired but alert. Already had some visitors. We can give you half an hour to sort some things out, then he needs his rest.”

  Judd looked back at Mary Alice.

  She waved him off. “Go ahead. I’ll catch up with you later. I know you’ve got a lot to take care of.”

  Mayor Sandra Crawford was coming out of Robert’s room.

  “Did you tell him?” Judd asked.

  “I did.” Sandra scooped a hand through her ash blonde hair. “He’s not exactly happy with our decision, but he accepts it. I’ll let him talk to you about all that.”

  Judd nodded.

  “I’m sure we’ll be in touch over the next few weeks while things get settled.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  He slipped into the room. His belly clutched at the gray pallor of Chief Curry’s face.

  “Well, don’t hover at the door, Hamilton. Come in.”

  “Sir.” Judd did as ordered, moving to stand at the foot of the bed. “How are you feeling?”

  “Like I got hit by a semi. But I’m alive, so I’ll take it. Sit down, son. We’ve got things to talk about.”

  Judd sat in the chair beside the bed.

  “Sandra said you’re already sworn in.”

  “Yes, sir. I’m sorry it happened like this.”

  “Been telling them I wanted to retire for over a year now. If I hadn’t been so damned picky about my replacement, this might not have happened.” Robert sighed. “Well, what’s done is done. You’re in it now.”

  “So I am.”

  “I know you’re wondering why I didn’t just pick you.”

  “The thought had crossed my mind, sir.”

  He was the obvious candidate. Veteran of the department, solid record, love of the community.

  “That has a lot to do with the phone call I got before I had the goddamned heart attack this morning.”

  “From who?”

  “Department of Corrections.”

  It could be anything. As Chief, Robert had regular contact with the Mississippi Department of Corrections. But Judd’s blood went to ice.

  “Jebediah Buchanan is being released.”

  Judd’s heart kicked into to a gallop, and he curled his hands to fists. “How can fourteen years been sufficient time served for attempted murder?” Judd demanded. He and Autumn had given testimony for his most recent hearing, and he’d known on some level it was possible, but he just hadn’t imagined…

  “Good behavior, overcrowding,” Robert continued, interrupting his thoughts, “and he’s managed to convince the Parole Board that he’s turned over a new leaf. I didn’t get through all the details before I keeled over.”

  Judd popped out of the chair and swore, long and vicious, as he paced the small room.

  “That. That right there is why I can’t support your candidacy for Chief a hundred percent. Because Autumn is your Achilles heel. You’re not out for this job for the town. Not completely. You want it because you think it’ll help you keep her safe.”

  As it was true, Judd saw no sense in denying it, but after everything he’d given the department, the lack of total faith stung. “I’ve never shirked my duties because of Autumn.”

  “No. If anything, you’re the best trained man I’ve got. You never got complacent about living in a small town and thinking bad things don’t happen here. You know better than most that they absolutely do. But I’ve got serious concerns with how you’ll deal with this situation, Judd.”

  “I’ll do whatever’s necessary.”

  “You’ll do whatever’s within the law.”

  Bristling, Judd glared at him. “You think I’d do anything else?”

  “I think if push came to shove, you’ve proved you’ll do anything for that girl.” Robert settled back against his pillow, looking suddenly ten years older. “I was there that day, Judd. I remember. I remember both of you nearly dying. I remember wanting to kill him myself. It was the worst fucking case I dealt with my entire career. So I get that this is an emotionally charged situation. But I want to remind you that you’ll be working for this city. You’ll answer to the Mayor and City Council. The good of the entire town is now in your hands, and you can’t be showing favoritism to her, no matter the circumstances.”

  “I’m aware of that,” Judd gritted out.

  “Fact is, you’re the best candidate we’ve got, and your performance over the next few months will determine whether or not you keep the job. Don't blow it.”

  “I don’t intend to.”

  ~*~

  From the driver’s seat of her car, Autumn stared at Judd’s parents’ house. This had always been her safe haven. Somewhere she could go and not be afraid, not worry about the belt or a hand raised in anger. Somewhere she’d been unconditionally loved. Somewhere that had ultimately become her home through Patty and Owen’s generosity. But knowing what was coming, that everything was about to change, she couldn’t make herself go inside.

  Judd bringing Mary Alice into the family shouldn’t mean she was getting kicked out. Family wasn’t a zero sum institution, and Autumn knew the very idea of it would infuriate the entire Hamilton clan. But could she really, truly go on for the rest of her life behaving like Judd’s sister? Treating Mary Alice like a beloved sister-in-law?

  The knock on her driver’s side window made her shriek and jolt in the seat. But it was Leo, not Judd, looking through the glass. He grinned and backed up as she opened the door.

  “Didn’t anybody ever tell you not to sneak up on somebody with a heart condition?” she demanded.

  “Sorry. You looked about a million miles away.”

  She wished she was.

  As she slid out of the car, he looked her up and down. “Wow, you look great. Hot date?”

  “No. Just felt like dressing up a little today.”

  She’d taken Riley and Livia’s advice, managing to erase all signs of her crying jag. Under any other circumstances, she’d feel great about the new jeans she was wearing, since she knew they did great things for her ass. The sleek, sleeveless sweater she’d been saving for her campaign to impress Judd had a scooped neckline that displayed other assets, and bitch boots were usually always a confidence boosting accessory. But it didn’t really feel like the armor it was intended to be. Instead, it felt petty, like she was trying to upstage the prospective bride-to-be. Which, okay, was part of the point, but that wasn’t who she was. She’d never used her f
riendship with Judd to undermine his relationships. He’d seen her at her best and worst for twenty-five years. One kick ass outfit wasn’t going to change anything.

  They started up the front walk. “So, any notion what the family meeting is about?”

  “I have an idea.” There was no keeping the grim tone out of her voice.

  Leo’s amusement faded and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, reminding her that her “little brother” wasn’t so little anymore. At twenty-six, he and his twin were lankier versions of Judd. And because no one but Judd was blind to the truth, Leo knew what she was afraid of. Before he had a chance to ask for more details, the door swung open and Patty was pulling her into the house.

  “Well don’t you look cute tonight. Have you eaten? We’ve got leftover pot roast from dinner.”

  “I’m fine, Patty, thanks.” No way could she actually eat anything with her stomach tied in knots.

  “Go on through then. Everybody’s in the living room. I’ll be right along with the coffee.”

  Autumn hung back, not wanting to see the happy couple. “Why don’t I help you with that?”

  “Nonsense. I’m just waiting on the pot to finish brewing. You go ahead.”

  Deprived of her last delay tactic, and not quite enough of a coward to go hide in the bathroom, Autumn followed Leo, pasting on the best impression of cheerful and relaxed she could manage so as to greet Judd and Mary Alice with a smile.

  Judd wasn’t smiling when Autumn came into the living room, and Mary Alice was nowhere in sight.

  But no, that wasn’t right. Surely if he was about to announce his engagement he’d actually look happy about it. Unless maybe he and Mary Alice had already had some sort of fight? What if this wasn’t the happy, planned engagement she’d imagined? What if Mary Alice was pregnant? Judd was absolutely the type who’d insist on doing “the right thing.” And he’d have no qualms about breaking the news by himself to allow her to save whatever face she could.

  “Hey. Did y’all get the grant done?” Judd asked.

  The question derailed her runaway thoughts. Thank God. She focused on what he’d asked instead. Grant? Oh right, the lie she’d told him this morning. “Sure did.”

  Blessedly, Eli and Leo took over the burden of small talk until Patty came in and set a coffee tray on the table.

  “Well son, out with it. What’s this news of yours?” Owen prompted.

  Autumn tensed.

  “Chief Curry had a heart attack this morning.”

  Exclamations of alarm circled the room.

  Well, that explained his grim demeanor. He and the chief were pretty tight. Judd thought the world of him. But…why would he start there?

  “He’s okay, but he won’t be working again. I was sworn in as interim Chief of Police this morning.”

  A job? Was this whole family meeting really all about a job?

  “Interim?” Patty asked.

  “It’s not how the City Council wanted to do things. Basically, I’m on a probationary period until they decide whether I’ll keep the job permanently.”

  He was going to hate it. The politics, dealing with the department budget, and all the other things that went along with being Chief that weren’t the actual police work he loved. But Autumn voiced none of those concerns. He’d been dead set on this path for the last few years, and he’d have to figure that out for himself.

  “Congratulations. I know you’ve been busting your ass for this,” she told him.

  “It’s not how I wanted to get the position.”

  Autumn wanted to smooth the furrow between his brows. But, of course, she stayed where she was.

  “Well, I hate it for Robert, but I’d say this calls for something stronger than coffee. I’ll go dig out the champagne!”

  “Mom, wait. There’s something else.”

  Patty hesitated, an expectant look on her face.

  “I need to talk to Autumn first. Privately.”

  There was absolutely no way she could keep up this facade that everything was fine if he got her alone. She needed the burden of keeping up the mask in front of all of them.

  “I don’t see why you can’t just tell everyone at once,” she said, aiming for breezy and falling a few steps above wheezy.

  Judd frowned, then crossed the room to Autumn and took her hand.

  No. Oh, no. He’d got the job he was gunning for and now he planned to move on with the rest of his life. Was he really going to announce his engagement like this? Holding her hand for some kind of moral support? Did he know how she felt after all? Know that this was going to crush her to bits?

  She braced herself, wondering how he’d say it. Mary Alice and I are getting married. I’ve asked Mary Alice to be my wife and she said yes. We want you to be godmother to our future children.

  “Jebediah’s being released from prison.”

  Autumn blinked, her brain still caught up on the imaginary godchildren she didn’t have. “What?”

  “The Parole Board met and approved his release. They called Chief Curry this morning, just before his heart attack. He gets out in three days.”

  Autumn jerked her hand free to cover her mouth, as if that would stop the scream welling up inside her. It couldn’t be true. They’d delivered their victim impact statements two months ago, like they did every year. The Parole Board couldn’t just change their minds. Not on something like this.

  Except they had. She could see the truth of it in Judd’s expression.

  Autumn couldn’t breathe. Blindly, she reached out for something to hang on to as her world tipped hopelessly out of balance. And Judd was there, as he was always there.

  “Breathe,” he ordered.

  “I can’t…I can’t…” A mountain sat on her chest. Dimly, she knew her blood pressure had sky-rocketed and she had to get it down, but she couldn’t think past the panic. Because her own personal boogeyman was being released from Hell.

  Judd pressed her hand over his heart so she could feel the beat of it, strong and steady. Not out of control like hers. His other hand slid beneath her hair to cup her nape, tipping her face to his. “Look at me. Match your breath to mine. C’mon now. In and out.”

  Her vision was starting to gray at the edges, but she focused on the feel of his hands, warm and solid. An anchor in a world gone mad. His eyes filled her vision, a deep cerulean blue, shot through with streaks of silver in a burst around the iris. The broad chest beneath her palm rose and fell with careful, modulated breaths. Something loosened in her rib cage. On his next inhale, she took a ragged breath of her own.

  “Good girl. In and out.”

  The mind-numbing panic began to recede and, with it, what strength was left in her legs. Autumn crumpled into him, closing her eyes as his arms locked around her.

  “Why couldn’t he be dead?” she whispered.

  “We’re not that lucky, I guess.”

  “This is crazy,” Patty burst out. “How could they possibly let him out after what he did?”

  “I don’t have all the details yet. Robert had his heart attack when they called. By the time I found out about it, it was after business hours. I’ll call in the morning to get the full details,” Judd said.

  “I can’t face him,” Autumn rasped.

  “You won’t have to.” He tightened his hold on her. “He won’t get near you. I’ll make sure of it.”

  “We all will,” Eli growled.

  He and Leo closed in, a matched pair of willing guard dogs. They almost made her smile. Almost.

  The feel of Judd’s heartbeat soothed her. Proof of life and survival. She’d do anything to ensure he stayed that way.

  “It’s a small town, Judd. If he comes back, I’m bound to run into him eventually.”

  “My town, my rules. Whatever can be done, I’ll do it.”

  Another truth sank in as she looked up at him. “This is why you went for Chief. Because you knew this was coming.”

  He didn’t even try to deny it. “Am I supposed to apolo
gize for that? I’ve been expecting this for a while. The Parole Board was divided at his hearing last year. He’s been a model prisoner. I knew it was only a matter of time, so I’ve been taking steps.”

  She pulled away to pace. “I don’t even know what to say to that.” How could he do this for her and be with someone else?

  Did Mary Alice know about any of this? This was the ugly truth of Autumn’s life. Being with Judd, it would eventually touch Mary Alice, too. No matter how much Autumn hated that he was with her, the woman didn’t deserve this.

  “You can say anything you like about it. It’s done.”

  But it couldn’t be done. She wouldn’t let the cancer of her past keep spreading. The answer to this entire horrible situation was staring her in the face. She just had to be brave enough to actually do it.

  Anything to keep him safe.

  Autumn turned. “I already know how to deal with this, Judd.”

  “Good. I’m glad we’re in agreement,” he said.

  “I’m leaving Wishful.”

  “You’re moving in with me.”

  Their words overlapped, and she saw the moment hers registered. He physically flinched back, as if her statement had slammed into him like her father’s bullet. The sight of that look on his face again had her stomach pitching.

  “No!”

  “Judd—”

  “Move back in with us,” Owen urged.

  Autumn appreciated the offer of an escape from close quarters with Judd. “I won’t put you and Patty at risk.”

  Judd grabbed her by the shoulders. “You can’t just run. There’s no need for that. I can keep you safe. I will keep you safe.”

  Gently, because she recognized that, for once, he was the fragile one, Autumn pushed away. “This isn’t about my father.”

  “Then what the hell is it about?”

  Finding a life without you. Maybe Judd hadn’t proposed to Mary Alice yet, but he would. And Autumn didn’t want to be around for that. But she wasn’t about to admit that.

  “My job’s been in the toilet for over a year. It’s just time.” And as she faced him in the house where they’d shared so many memories, inspiration struck. “I tried to tell you this morning.”