If I Didn't Care

by Kait Nolan

  Autumn resisted the urge to slap Judd upside the back of his head.

  Mark blinked owlishly. “Moving?”

  Judd just fixed that implacable cop stare on her, daring her to confirm it. He didn’t think she would.

  “Not that I don’t appreciate the thought, but I’m afraid he’s right.”

  “When?”

  “I’m still firming up my plans.” Damn it. Now it sounded like she was just giving him the brushoff. “But with my hours having been cut at the library, I’ve been looking for a while now.”

  “I see.” Mark took off his glasses and polished them with the front of his polo shirt. “Well, guess I waited too long to make my move.”

  Autumn gave him a sympathetic smile. “I’m really sorry, Mark.”

  “No problem. I’ll see you around as long as you’re still around, I guess. Best of luck.”

  He’d already turned and walked quickly out before she realized he’d left his books.

  Autumn popped Judd on the arm, which had about as much impact as a mouse kicking an elephant. “You didn’t have to be an asshole just because you’re mad at me.”

  “No reason to get the guy’s hopes up if you’re really going.”

  Autumn pinched the bridge of her nose and struggled for patience. She’d sprung this on him out of nowhere. He had a right to be upset.

  “I don’t want to fight with you, Judd.”

  “I don’t want to fight with you either.” He leaned both elbows on the counter. “Listen, why don’t we just table this for now. There are bigger things going on today. I thought tonight we could grab a pizza and have a marathon of your favorite 80s movies. Sixteen Candles. Pretty in Pink. The Breakfast Club.”

  He was pissed off and hurt and still willing to watch cheesy, romantic movies with her. God, she loved him so much. “I appreciate your attempts at distraction, but I already have plans with the girls. Besides, you need to go spend some time with Mary Alice. You’ve been spending all your time with me, with your new position as Chief. Go do damage control.” Look at her being the consummate best friend.

  “You’re sure?”

  “I’m sure.” She forced far more certainty into her voice than she actually felt.

  He stared at her for a long moment, and she recognized him wrestling with whether to say something. Evidently deciding against it, he tapped the counter. “Okay then. But I’ll call to check in later, okay? And if you see anything, hear anything, sense anything that feels off, you call me.”

  “I will.”

  Livia passed him as he was stalking out. She cranked her head to look over her shoulder at him as she came the rest of the way to the desk.

  “What was that all about?”

  “We’re in a fight,” Autumn said, which was easier than getting into the details.

  “You two never fight.”

  “We do. It’s just really, really rare.”

  “What are you fighting about?”

  “I’ll tell you about it tonight. I’ve got some prospective news.”

  Livia cast a quick look around and lowered her voice. “About your dad?”

  “No. Something else. We’ll talk about it later. In any event, let me just say that I’m looking forward getting together with you and Riley for Outlander tonight. I could do with some distraction.”

  “You can count on us.”

  Chapter 5

  “I’m so glad we’re finally able to do this.” Mary Alice sank into the chair Judd pulled out for her.

  “We definitely need some one-on-one time. I’m sorry I didn’t get the chance to pick you up. I had some things I needed to take care of at the station.”

  “It’s fine.”

  “No, it’s really not,” he said. “It’s not fair to you that I’ve been so consumed with work.”

  “You’re driven. It’s one of the characteristics I admire about you. And I know your level of busy isn’t likely to change now that you’re Chief.” She accepted the menu offered by the server. “Thank you.”

  “Well, that’s part of what tonight’s about. It’s true that I’ve got a lot more responsibility with the job, and you know well enough that it’s not an 8-to-5 kind of thing. But I really want to make our relationship a priority.”

  She brightened at the words, and he had to give Autumn props for pushing him into doing this.

  “I’d really like that, too.”

  Over appetizers, Judd made an effort to prove that he could still be charming. By the entree, he remembered all the reasons he’d stayed with Mary Alice. She was sweet and funny and genuinely good. He spent so much time facing the darker side of society, being with her was like a breath of fresh air, reminding him that there were still good people in the world. By the time the waiter cleared their entrees, Judd was feeling more mellow than he had in weeks. As they waited on their shared dessert—the caramel cake The Spring House was famous for—Judd decided it was a good time to give her the gift he’d picked up.

  “You’re one of the best parts of my life, you know that?”

  Arching one brow, she gave a sassy smile. “Am I now?”

  He reached across the table to twine his fingers with hers. “You’re really special to me.”

  “You’re special to me, too, Judd.”

  “There’s something I want to—well, I’m not great with words. I’ve never done this before.”

  Mary Alice flexed her hand in his, her cheeks going pink, her eyes wide. “Doesn’t have to be pretty. Just say it.”

  God, had he been so wrapped up in work that trying to give their relationship the priority it deserved was tantamount to announcing he thought they should use his cuffs for more than just work? The thought derailed his poorly planned speech. “How about I just show you?”

  “Okay,” she breathed.

  He reached into his suit pocket and brought out the long, slim jewel case, setting it in front of her. A trace of confusion flickered over her face.

  “Go ahead, open it.”

  She released his hand and opened the box.

  Judd knew the moment she laid eyes on the thing that Mitch had been wrong. This bracelet was absolutely not going to get him out of the dog house. It had, in fact, maybe lodged him there more firmly. This is what he got for taking relationship advice from one of the most notorious players in Wishful. Damn it, he knew he shouldn’t be buying jewelry for a woman. He resisted the urge to squirm in his seat as she stared at the bracelet, clearly wishing it would turn into something else.

  The arrival of their dessert prolonged the awkward silence as they both waited for the server to leave again.

  “What’s wrong?” Judd asked.

  “It’s…a bracelet.”

  “Not your style? What was I thinking? You work with little kids. A bracelet would probably be in the way. I’m sorry, I’m sure I can return it.” He knew no such thing, but it seemed the thing to say.

  “It’s not that.”

  “What then? Wrong size?”

  “No. The size is fine. I just thought…”

  “What?”

  “With the fancy dinner, and the talk about making our relationship a priority, and how I’m one of the best parts of your life, I just thought…”

  “What?” he asked again.

  She finally lifted her gaze in exasperation. “For an incredibly astute cop, you’re an amazingly dense man. I thought you were proposing.”

  Judd’s mouth fell open. “I…” What the hell did he say to that? Proposing? That was the last thing he was thinking about. He wasn’t in a position to take on a wife.

  “Oh my God. Why are you so surprised? We’ve been together for two years. We’re not getting any younger. It’s the natural progression of a relationship.”

  “Well, I know, but I…we hadn’t even talked about…” Sweat broke out between his shoulder blades.

  Mary Alice shook her head, eyes going suspiciously shiny. “I was so stupid.”

  Oh shit. Oh no. Don’t cry. “No. No you w
eren’t.” It was his instinct to comfort, even when he didn’t entirely know what to say.

  “They warned me you’d never actually commit. That no one else would ever come first for you.”

  “Who? What are you talking about?”

  “You’re a serial monogamist, Judd. But you’re a commitmentphobe.”

  Embarrassment slid into defensiveness. He knew how to commit. “How is that even a thing?”

  “You’ll go so far. No further. Because there’s always Autumn.”

  “She’s my best friend. That’s it.”

  “Is it? Is it really? Is it normal to drop everything for your best friend, no matter what’s going on or who you’re with?”

  “Her father’s getting out of prison. She needed support.” No way could Mary Alice understand how much. She, with her upper middle class upbringing so much like his, couldn’t possibly fathom the hell Autumn had lived through, never knowing what to expect, never knowing what Jebediah’s God would tell him to do next.

  Mary Alice waved her hand, like that was nothing. “And that’s awful—for both of you. I get that.”

  No, she really didn’t. But Judd hadn’t invited her to the family meeting the other night because he hadn’t wanted this to touch her any more than it had to. Maybe it had been a mistake to try to shield her. Maybe he should’ve let her see.

  She rolled on. “But if it isn’t that, it would be something else. You always, always choose her.”

  “It’s not about choosing,” he bit out.

  At the edge of the table, his phone began to vibrate. Of course it was Autumn. Because why shouldn’t Mary Alice have more ammunition for this conversation? Judd reached for it automatically, but she laid her hand over his.

  “Whatever it is, let someone else handle it for once.”

  Under other circumstances, maybe he could’ve done it. But with Jebediah a free man, there was no way he could just let her go to voicemail. With an apologetic wince at Mary Alice, he slid the phone free.

  “Hey Autumn. What’s up?”

  Her hysteria practically reached through the phone to grab him by the throat.

  He shoved back his own panic. “Wait, wait, what? Slow down. Tell me what’s wrong.”

  Through another hiccuping sort of sob she managed to force out, “My house is on fire!”

  A thousand scenarios, each one worst than the last, unfolded in his brain. And he wasn’t there.

  “Jesus Christ. Are you all right? Where are you? Are you outside? Have you called 911?”

  “The fire department is on the way. I wasn’t inside. Riley and I just got home and found it like this.”

  “Both of you stay back. Lock yourselves in a vehicle until somebody gets there. Have Riley call Liam.” Riley’s ex-Marine fiancé would keep them both safe.

  “He’s on his way.”

  “So am I. Just hang tight.” He’d hung up the phone and shoved back from the table before he looked at Mary Alice.

  She shook her head, her pretty face a mask of regret. “I can’t live like this anymore, Judd. I can’t play second fiddle. Just go.”

  Miserable, hating that he’d hurt her, Judd stood, pulling several bills out of his wallet to cover the check. “I’m so sorry.”

  “So am I.”

  Then he bolted without looking back.

  ~*~

  Lock yourselves in a vehicle. Judd’s order ricocheted through Autumn’s brain. He didn’t think this was an accident.

  Fresh terror had her dragging Riley back toward the car, searching the darkness for shadows that didn’t belong. Was he out there, watching her as her life burned? Had he spent the last fourteen years planning this in revenge?

  “The fire department is on its way and Liam’s coming.”

  “Get in the car, Riley.”

  “But why?”

  Because it would at least provide some modicum of cover if her father was lying in wait to snipe them. But she didn’t want to infect her friend with the fear running rampant in her blood. “Judd said so.”

  They climbed back into Riley’s sedan and backed up to make room for the firetrucks that were en route. Then they sat, saying nothing. Riley watched the fire spread. Autumn looked everywhere else, trying to find the thing that was out of place. But she saw nothing. No threat, save the fire itself. Panic began to ebb, replaced with helpless rage.

  Everything she’d worked for, everything she’d built was inside that duplex apartment. This would ruin her. One of the first things to go when her hours got cut had been renter’s insurance. Her paltry savings would barely be enough to replace the bare essentials. But nothing could replace the memories turned to cinder and ash. The photographs, the lifelong collection of notes from Judd, the mementos and trinkets. All gone.

  Worse, this didn’t just impact her. Riley had been through so much last year when the pharmacy flooded. The financial burden had nearly crippled her. Now, to have her home destroyed, too…

  Autumn wanted to crumple and weep. But she refused to give him the satisfaction. If he’d been foolish enough to make this declaration of war, there’d be proof. Judd would find it. And Jebediah would be put away again.

  Sirens sounded in the distance as a vintage Mustang tore into the drive. Liam leapt out of the car, and Riley scrambled out, flying into his arms. The sight of those strong arms closing around her, the instant, unwavering support made Autumn’s throat ache. She wanted that with Judd. In truth, she had it. But he’d only go so far and no further. For tonight, she’d have to make do with scraps.

  By the time Judd made it, Wishful’s finest were working to salvage Riley’s side of the duplex. Autumn knew without being told that her own was a total loss. She couldn’t think about that yet. Couldn’t face the overwhelming task of recovering from this disaster. So she focused on the fury, using it to straighten her spine and hang on to the last vestiges of control as she climbed out of the car.

  “Autumn!” Judd caught her up, wrapping her tight in his embrace. And for that moment, she didn’t care that he belonged to someone else; she didn’t care that this could never be more than it was, because with his body pressed to hers, she felt safe for the first time since this ordeal began. He was her shelter, always.

  Cursing her weakness, she clung to him and broke.

  Judd held her as she wept, pouring out all the grief, all the fear as the firemen fought to salvage what they could. A second engine arrived, one of the volunteer departments lending their backs to the cause. Judd shifted to block her view of the house. Not that it mattered. She already knew it was lost. But his hold on her never slackened, even as his own men arrived and took orders to begin a search of the surrounding area.

  At last the fire was reduced to sodden, smoking coals. Autumn had run out of tears and she felt as hollowed out as the as the half of the duplex that had been her home. Riley’s side still stood, more or less intact. There’d be smoke and water damage, but maybe she wouldn’t lose everything. Autumn couldn’t bear the idea that more of her friends were collateral damage to her father’s hatred.

  “I’m taking Riley back to my place. She’s wiped out, and there’s nothing else we can do here,” Liam said.

  “I’ll let you know when it’s clear to enter the structure again so she can assess damages and see what can be salvaged,” Judd promised.

  If there’d been a drop of moisture left in Autumn’s body, she might’ve started crying again. “I’m so sorry, Riley.”

  Riley gave her a tight squeeze. “Honey, it’s not your fault. And I’ve got renter’s insurance. After what happened with the pharmacy, I’ve learned to be prepared. It’ll be fine.”

  Autumn wished she could believe that.

  Liam’s car inched through the crowd of vehicles as the volunteer firemen began coiling up hoses.

  “They’ll start winding things up here shortly. Things will have to cool more before the fire marshal can do his thing to determine the cause of the blaze. You’ll come home with me.” It wasn’t a questi
on.

  Since she had nowhere else to go, Autumn didn’t argue. There was nowhere else she’d rather be anyway. She nodded, rubbing at eyes gritty from crying and smoke. For the first time, she focused on what Judd was wearing.

  “You’re wearing your date suit.”

  He glanced down and shrugged.

  “I pulled you away from time with Mary Alice. Of course I did. I’m the one who told you to go do damage control in the first place.” She scrubbed both hands over her face. “God, what must she think of me?”

  “It doesn’t matter. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now. You’re not in this alone.”

  But she’d just gotten a stark reminder of the status quo, so when he reached for her again, she just shook her head. No matter how much she wanted to lean on him, she had to learn to stand on her own two feet.

  Darius Greeley strode up.

  “Report,” Judd ordered.

  “Nothing yet. We’ve combed a mile in all directions. But we don’t have the manpower to do a tight grid. Could be we’ll find something once it’s daylight.”

  “See that it’s done.”

  “Yes, sir.” He shifted a sympathetic gaze to Autumn. “If there’s anything to find, we’ll find it.”

  “Thank you, Darius.”

  As he strode away to confer with the rest of his team, one of the firemen approached. Beneath the soot and sweat, Autumn recognized Ben Rawlings. The set of his mouth was grim.

  “Real sorry about all this, Autumn.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Any idea when the fire marshal will be here?” Judd asked.

  “Early morning, I expect. It won’t be cool enough to properly investigate until then. But I can already tell you it was arson. Clear signs of accelerant. And it looked like the whole place had been tossed.”

  Autumn’s blood ran cold. “Judd, has someone checked your house?”

  He stroked a hand down her back. “I sent a patrol. It’s fine.”

  Ben studied them. “Neither of you seems surprised. You have an idea who might do this to you?”

  “Yeah.” Judd’s expression was grim. “Look, Autumn’s about dead on her feet. I’m gonna take her home. Have the fire marshal call me as soon as he hits the scene. I want this investigation opened as quickly as possible so we can catch this son of a bitch.”