Naked or Dead

by Murphy, A. E.

  Meanwhile I’m choking for air, trying to gather myself as an all-consuming grief blinds me to anything else. I turn in Nok’s arms that are like steel bands around my body and bury my face in his neck. My tears soak his skin, they soak mine too. My mascara is likely now in dark rings around my eyes.

  Nokosi lifts me, swinging my legs up with his arm. He walks with me, not speaking, not stopping. He just goes and I’m too weak to breathe or protest. I just hold him, seeking his comfort in a way I’ve never sought comfort from anybody but my sister.

  I’m a mess and I should be embarrassed but I can’t get past this overwhelming sorrow I suddenly feel. As though somebody is in my head, screaming their pain so loudly it’s all I know now. I feel as though I’ll never be happy again. I don’t want to feel this way. I need to let it go but I can’t release it. It’s tangled like thorny vines around my spirit. I don’t know why it’s there or how, but it hurts. It feels physically painful.

  I hear a door open and shut and stop crying when the noises from outside no longer sound, and the cold air becomes warm.

  He doesn’t put me down until we’re through another door and a bright light is shining overhead.

  As soon as my feet touch the ground, Nokosi and I look at each other. My chest is still tingling with this lingering mourning I just can’t seem to combat and right now all I can think of is one thing to get my mind off this sudden pain.

  I look at myself in the mirror, my eyes are swollen, my lips too, and my cheeks are flushed with pink.

  I’ve not looked this human in such a long time. I don’t feel ugly or like I should apologize. In fact, I want to feel more human. I don’t want this to stop.

  I turn to face the man who brought me to this place and grab his collar before yanking him to me. His lips collide with mine, and at first, they’re unresponsive, but he soon changes that when I lick the seam of his lips. Greeting my tongue with his own, he cups the back of my head, groaning and holding me tightly as my hand works on the button of his jeans.

  I don’t care what I’m here for. I don’t care what I’m supposed to be doing. I want him. I need him.

  I need to feel human. I need to feel pleasure and lust, and orgasms. I want to feel it all.

  “Harder,” I beg and he bites my lip, making it burn with delicious pain. The kind of pain I want and need.

  My hands tug on his jeans and push them over his ass, and it has to be said as I grab it with both hands, it’s the most solid, soft, incredible ass I have ever held. I squeeze as his hot length presses between us and he yanks my denim skirt up my hips enough to pull down my thong and back me into the wall between the sink and toilet. The tiles are cold through my sweater, but it only adds to all the sensations.

  He continues kissing me, standing with his feet on either side of mine so his legs are parted and mine are shut tight.

  I gasp when he pushes his solid cock between the apex of my thighs. The mushroom head parts my slick lips and rubs against my swollen clit.

  My body almost collapses. I almost give up and die right here.

  I’ve never felt something so incredibly tingly and arousing.

  His lips move to my ear and then my throat. I legitimately can’t breathe. There are too many things to feel. The burning in my womb, in my thighs, in my clit, in my feet, my hands… shit, even my eyes which are squeezed shut.

  Nok groans, thrusting against me, fucking me without actually fucking me and I wonder why that is. If he just hitched my leg up his hip and pressed against my opening I wouldn’t object. Hell, I’m salivating at the thought.

  Though saying that, this is hitting a different sweet spot just fine and it won’t be long until I’m coming all over his dick. Something I never thought I’d say about any man, especially not about Nokosi Locklear.

  His thrusts get faster, his grunting louder. He’s as close as I am.

  Tears spring to my eyes for an entirely different reason this time.

  “Nok?” Nash calls through the door and we both still, both looking at the door like it’s about to catch fire. “You in there?”

  Nok looks as aggravated as I feel. The tension around his eyes is likely mirrored in my own.

  The handle starts to turn so I quickly call out, “Just a sex.” I shake my head and start giggling. “I meant sec. Just a sec.”

  “Is Nok in there with you?” Nash asks, his voice muffled.

  “I’m in here,” Nokosi replies, buttoning up his pants and zipping up the fly.

  I hear Nash let out a laugh but it’s humorless. “Of course you are,” he grumbles so quietly I had to strain to hear it.

  I turn back to the mirror when I’m dressed again and wait for Nok to open the door and tell his brother that we’ll be right out. Splashing water on my face, I ignore the pulsing in my core and hope it fades soon. I shouldn’t have done what I just did. It was a severe moment of weakness.

  I’m better than that. I know better.

  Nok comes to stand behind me and kisses the bare side of my neck. His eyes meet mine over my shoulder and the blackness of them makes me shiver with need.

  “What happened?” I ask on a breath as Nok looks at me in the toothpaste-splattered mirror. Tiny white dots mar our reflections.

  “Elisi has magic,” he sheepishly admits as his fingertips stroke the soft, flat skin of my belly, just over the edge of my skirt. “I didn’t fully believe it until now.”

  “Other people don’t react that way?”

  He shrugs and smiles apologetically. “Not that I’ve seen, but it’s been known to happen. She’s really good at reading people.”

  I shake my head to clear it. “I felt like something in me snapped and I just… it’s stupid right?”

  “I wouldn’t say it’s stupid, you clearly needed the mental breakdown.”

  I turn, laughing, and slap his arm. “I did not have a mental breakdown.”

  “You kinda did but it’s cool.”

  “Ugh.” I shoulder past him. “You’re such a dick.”

  “You like my dick though, so…?”

  I roll my eyes but I can’t stop the laughter that bubbles forth and releases.

  Nash is waiting for us when we exit. “Food’s ready. Edudu is telling stories.”

  Nok goes on ahead, clearly done with me now. Nash hangs back.

  “He’ll use you,” Nash states, not looking sorry for stabbing his brother in the back at all. “He wants one thing from you.”

  His words still hit home because I know them to be true. “I haven’t fucked him, Nash, and I don’t plan on it either.”

  He doesn’t look appeased, or like he even believes me. But I don’t care. I’m hungry. I want food and then home.

  Though thinking about it, I’m not entirely sure I believe it myself.

  When we reach the bonfire again, Nok is sitting with his friends, and Vienna is to his right laughing about something he said. They’re so close their arms are touching.

  He really is a massive asshole.

  “They’re going to get married one day,” Nash whispers in my ear, his hand on the small of my back. “You’re just a fling for him. You’ll never be his forever girl. He already has her. You’re just how he sows his wild oats.” When I don’t reply because I’m too busy glaring at Nok and his forever girl, he continues, “You deserve better than my brother.”

  Nok slings his arm around her shoulder and I see red. Not enough to go over there and yank her hair out, but I’m pretty fucking mad.

  “And what about you, Nash?” I ask, my tone biting and questioning. “What am I to you?”

  “I think we have great chemistry.”

  “So… you want to fuck me, that’s what you’re saying?”

  His lips part. I caught him off guard. He stammers for the right words.

  “Would you still want to fuck me if I told you I’ve had your brother’s dick in my mouth?”

  His eyes flare but he doesn’t say no.

  “Is it because I’m new? Is it because I�
��m interesting? What exactly is it about me that makes you think we’d be good for each other?”

  He grips my bicep and pulls me out of earshot of his family and friends. We stand in the shade of a tree by his home. I can still see Nokosi, which means he can still see me. “You’re different.”

  “That’s what they all say when they don’t have a genuine reason, Nash,” I reply, smiling a fake smile. “What do you want from me?”

  His lips part, so soft and round. Kissable lips, just not the lips I want to kiss.

  “Be honest with us both for once. Don’t make this about your brother. You want to fuck me, don’t you?”

  He blanches at my candidness. “I respect you.”

  I blink twice and laugh once. “No, you don’t. You know I’m trouble. You know we wouldn’t last long term. But you’re too much of a gentleman to be honest about it like your brother is. Say it, Nash. Tell me what you want from me really.”

  “I want to get to know you.”

  I pull him further around the tree. “You’re a coward and a liar. You don’t want to get to know me. You want to fuck me. Because you think I’m wild and I give no fucks about anything but what I can get out of my own life. And you like that because you live with generous, good people and that’s what you’ll have forever. A generous and good little lady. But not me… you need something wild, something fleeting to make you appreciate your future more. I wouldn’t give you generous and good. I’d take everything good from you and give you so much bad.”

  His nostrils flare. His eyes darken. I’m so fucking good at bringing out the monster in people, especially men. We all have one, it’s just some of us have a better handle on it than others. Nok and me, well, we don’t have a handle on ours at all.

  Nashoba, however, has repressed his so much he’s too scared to bait it even a little. He has great self-control and a lot of respect for women and people in general. But that doesn’t mean he can’t be tempted.

  “You’ve wanted to touch me since the moment we met.”

  He doesn’t deny this either.

  “Touch me,” I breathe, pulling my pink hair over one shoulder so it’s out of the way. “Treat me like the whore you think I am.”

  “I don’t think you’re a—”

  “You either think I am, or you hope I am.” I smile mischievously and press his hand against my breast, he makes a noise in the back of his throat. “You hope I am because then when you tire of my attitude it won’t hurt to walk away and you know I’ll jump onto the next dick without glancing back and you won’t care because I’m nothing.” I bring his other hand up to my breast and he squeezes gently. It tingles but I don’t feel the same passion that I get with his brother. Although this does make it exciting, what with them being related. “Look at you, touching my tits meters from where your entire family are sitting, ready to eat their food.”

  “Fuck, Lilith,” he gasps, stepping closer, pupils expanding.

  “I’m using you,” I breathe, standing on my tiptoes to brush my lips against his. “I’m doing this to make him jealous. How does that feel? Or do you not care now that you know that I’m nothing but a fucking whore?”

  “You’re not a—”

  I grab his cock through his jeans, shutting him up. He groans and presses his forehead to mine. “I am. This is proof. Ten minutes ago, I was ready to make your brother come in my pussy in your bathroom, and now here I am with you, wishing you could fuck me against this tree.”

  He moans and pants when I rub him through his jeans, tempting him, testing him, but then he pulls away.

  “I can’t do this,” he admits, shaking his head, looking me up and down. “I want to. I’ve never wanted anything more. But I can’t.”

  “I know,” I reply gently. “You’re too good for me, Nash.”

  “No, that’s not it.” He shakes his head. “You’re not beneath me.”

  “But I could be,” I murmur and he laughs.

  “No, I mean… you’re just…”

  “It’s okay,” I finish and pat his cheek. “I understand. Go back to the party. Maybe talk to Vienna yourself. Get to know her. Woo her.”

  “That’ll never happen.”

  “It will if you use your charm. You were wrong when you said she’s his forever girl. He’s mine and I can’t let him go.” I look at the bitch sitting with him and then back at Nash. “She’s going to need a shoulder to cry on when I take him from her forever.”

  His breath hitches and he watches me saunter away, straight to where Nok and Vienna are sitting together.

  They eye my approach, him with his smug grin, her with an unsure one.

  “Move her or I’m sitting on your lap,” I tell him, completely ignoring the girl under his arm.

  Vienna scoffs, clearly offended, “Excuse me?”

  Her eyes narrow and then fly to Nok who is simply grinning at me, no small amount of excitement in his eyes. He’s challenging me, to see what I’ll do. Doesn’t he know me well enough yet?

  “Three,” I warn, holding up three fingers and his friends cheer. “Two…”

  Before I get to one, Nokosi shifts away from her and pats the space beside him. I claim it, forcing my butt between his and hers and then tilt my head up to his. He looks around the large gathering of people, hesitating for a moment before he brings his lips down to mine. I hum my appreciation and melt into it slightly.

  “Until you tell me otherwise,” I snap, changing from soft kisser to feral bitch while wrapping his long ponytail around my hand and tugging. “You’re mine now. And if I find you sitting near or touching another girl, I’ll paint your truck with her blood.”

  “Are you insane?” Vienna asks, gaping at me now as I rest back into Nok’s chest. His buddies watch the exchange with avid interest.

  “Yes,” I respond flatly.

  She looks at Nok. “Do something!”

  “I’m good here,” he states simply, holding me closer than he held her. How he holds me is possessive. How he held her was friendly, though she didn’t see it that way.

  “You can’t seriously be taking her side? She just threatened me.”

  “I’m hers,” he replies with a gentle shrug and an approving smirk. “It’s not personal.”

  “You’re hers? I can’t believe this,” she grumbles, her hands on her hips. But she knows that she can’t get anywhere so she stomps over to where her own friends are sitting.

  “I’m yours, hmm?” Nokosi whispers in my ear. “I thought you didn’t want me.”

  “I don’t,” I reply and wink at Nash who is watching our exchange from across the lawn, by his father who is in the middle of a conversation with somebody else. “But I’m not letting anyone else have you either.”

  “Liar.”

  If only he knew how true it was.

  I suppose he will soon.

  “So… what were you and my brother talking about?”

  “Ah, so you were watching,” I comment, laughing gently.

  Clearing his throat, he shifts behind me and replies, “He likes you. He liked you first.”

  “He wants to fuck me, there’s a difference.” At my words he growls in my ear, like an animal when you reach for its possession. “Don’t worry, I dealt with it.”

  “Good.” He kisses my temple, an odd display of affection, and plays with the ends of my hair as his friends talk to us. They introduce themselves and we get talking about the track, promising to meet there tomorrow so they can ride my pit bike. Fat chance on the latter, but I’ll definitely meet them there.

  We sit for two more hours, eating amazing food, praising people for their catches, though not the ones who brought Walmart goods. They’re cheaters who caught nothing.

  Everybody applauds when Dasan tells them that I caught my huge rainbow trout while spear fishing for the first time. That part was embarrassing.

  But overall, we have an amazing night.

  Until it’s time to go, the people start dispersing back to their homes and Nokosi offers to
drive me to mine. For the first time ever, I don’t want to go home. I want to stay. I don’t want to go home at all. I can’t bear to look at my sister, or witness my mother ignoring us because she finds us too painful to look at.

  So, I find ways to drag the night on and pull a large bottle of cherry-flavored gin from my handbag. I wasn’t sure if I’d need it tonight but here it is.

  Our small group of friends’ eyes light up. All but Nok’s.

  “I’m driving,” he points out, frowning.

  “So? Just sneak me into your room later,” I whisper and put the gin back. “I’ll sleep with you.”

  He looks excited now and winks at me. “Fine, but no backing out now.”

  “Let’s get wasted,” Joseph cheers on a whisper so the adults don’t hear.

  “I like this chick,” Bobby, their mutual friend, mutters.

  “Let’s go,” Nok yells and we stand.

  “Where to?”

  “My shed,” Joseph replies, grinning at me over his shoulder. “It has blankets, a light, it’s really fucking cozy.”

  I raise a brow. “Is it now?”

  When we reach the trees and wander out of sight, using our phones to guide us, I pull the gin from my bag and take a long pull. The others follow suit, passing it around, complimenting it on its sweet cherry flavor.

  We race through the forest until the trees clear and another home comes into view. I love the privacy of their houses, no main roads, not too easy to get to so you can guarantee door-to-door salesmen aren’t an issue.

  The reservation is much bigger than this with its own shopping complexes and stores that eventually merge with Westoria, but this part of it is private. For the residents only. It’s peaceful and it feels safe.

  Joseph’s house is a lot bigger than Nok’s but we don’t go inside to explore. We head around back to the very edge of his yard and past the first row of trees that form an almost uniformed line around his property.

  “This must be it,” I say motioning to the shed with its dark windows and rickety-looking exterior. It looks sturdy enough. It could just do with a paint job. And maybe a few replacement boards here and there.

  Joseph races ahead, my gin in his hand, and opens the latch on the door with a flick of the handle. The door creeks and I laugh when a furry little animal comes scurrying out. Maybe a skunk. I sure hope not. My sister got sprayed by a skunk once when we were little. We’d been running around the yard playing tag with our matching dollies, in our little matching dungarees.