Naked or Dead

by Murphy, A. E.

  My lips part. I feel sick.

  “His father touched us, of course he did but it felt good, we liked it. We wanted more of it. We didn’t know it was wrong. We’d fool around together; we’d fool around with him… and then it was my turn. He didn’t fuck me for the first time until I turned nine. I guess he was worried I’d be in too much pain and he wouldn’t be able to hide it. I just remember him holding me… while he… and he kept telling me I’d enjoy it eventually.” He closes his eyes, unable to look at me while he speaks the words. “And I did. He was right. I wanted more of it. And he kept saying that I was as depraved as him, that he was helping me… It hurt at first but then it became normal. But then that normal became weird because we started getting into girls and we did sex-ed at school and were told how wrong it was to show our privates.” He rolls his shoulders and bites his lip. “I was confused. I started puberty and my orgasms made a mess now which was embarrassing. Conner started to withdraw. He stopped talking to anyone, myself included.”

  I shuffle closer, the bucket scrapes on the ground.

  “He didn’t want to do it anymore and to be honest, neither did I. Age thirteen I wanted to fuck girls, not men. I wasn’t into that. Officer Deacon stopped but not without begging, it was messed up. He used to try and bribe us with new games until we just stopped hanging around at his house at all. Conner’s parents had divorced by now and he moved in with his mom. Things were great for a while. We were happy. We were still best friends. I managed to get him back from his darkness but then it all changed.

  “I don’t know what happened but Conner, at age fifteen, didn’t come to school for a week and he stopped talking to me again, like before, but worse this time.” His eyes mist over, tears fill them and my heart breaks. “They found him hanging from a tree in his back yard the following Sunday, while everybody was at church, Conner killed himself. I should have done something to help him, but I didn’t know what to do. He wouldn’t even look at me.”

  “Do you think his dad got him one last time?”

  He nods. “I think that’s exactly what happened.”

  “Why didn’t you tell anybody?”

  “Officer Deacon became sheriff. A bit like you, he’s a powerful guy. I’ve got no evidence that he molested either of us and if I stirred that pot it would be my family who suffer.”

  I shake my head. “Animals. All of them.”

  “Agreed,” he whispers. “I’ve never told anybody that before.”

  “Not even Lilith?”

  Shaking his head, he admits, “Not even Lilith.”

  I reach a hand to his face as his eyes hold mine. What we just shared is such an intimate… heart-wrenching thing that I believe will bond us forever.

  I have to have him, if only once. It’s not fair that my sister gets him. I like him too. Maybe he’ll like me more than her?

  “I really want to kiss you, Nok,” I whisper, leaning closer. “Just once.”

  He places his hand over mine that cups his cheek. “I can’t do that. I couldn’t hurt your sister like that.”

  “She wouldn’t have to know.”

  “I’d know. And I live with enough secrets already.”

  My lips pinch together. “Just one time. It wouldn’t have to mean anything to you. Just once.”

  “Willow,” he mutters softly, his tone pleading but in a different way to mine. “It’ll hurt her.”

  “If she ever finds out, which she won’t, she’ll understand.” I’ve never begged a man for his kiss before, but then I’ve never kissed a man willingly before. “Please, Nokosi.” I lean into him, grabbing the front of his shirt. “This could be the last kiss I ever have.”

  “Way to lay it on heavy,” he jests as I slide my hands up his chest to his neck. “I just can’t, Willow. I’m sorry. I can’t betray Lilith like that.”

  I’ve never been a very calm person; I’ve always been a little bit bitter. And as it turns out, I don’t handle rejection very well either. The more he says no, the more I want him. As fucked up as that is.

  “If you don’t kiss me, I’ll tell Lilith you instigated it, and then she’ll never want to stay.”

  He blanches, staring at me with wide eyes after lurching back a step. “What the fuck, Willow? You really want to force me into kissing you after everything we just spoke about? I said no.”

  “Don’t act like you don’t want to kiss me, Nokosi, I’m my sister’s image in every way and you’re fucked up enough to find that a massive turn-on.” I grab his bulge through his pants, but he rips my hand away. “What’s the big deal? It’s just one fucking kiss.”

  “You’re insane. I thought we were becoming friends.”

  “I can’t be your friend, Nokosi,” I admit, shrugging. “I want you too badly.” I wave my hand to the bucket he was just sitting on. “Sit back down, kiss me like you kiss my sister and I won’t ruin your relationship with her.”

  “You know that if you make me do this, I’ll never forgive you. Right?”

  “I’m dying soon, Nok. I don’t care about forgiveness. I want you and if this is the only way I get to have you then I’m okay with that.”

  He glares at me but I can see the excitement in the depths of his eyes. As much as he hates this, it’s a thrill for him too. His girlfriend’s sister is pining after him, I loathe to admit it, and he loves to know it. It’s good for his ego.

  “She won’t believe you,” he argues unconvincingly.

  “She won’t only believe me, Nokosi, she’ll smash up that pretty truck of yours and never speak to you again.”

  He grits, his jaw clenched, his teeth bared. “And if she walks in on us, or finds out, she’ll do that anyway.”

  “Sit down,” I order.

  “I’m not doing this.” His willpower is wavering. He really does love my sister.

  I shrug my shoulders and smooth down my skirt. “If you walk out of that door, I swear I’ll tell her. I’ll say you came on to me. I’ll say you showed up at our door asking to meet me, then lured me out here and tried to seduce me.” I’m serious too. I’ll tell her that. I don’t want to hurt her, but I want to feel his touch more. “It’s just a fucking kiss, Nokosi. It doesn’t have to be so dramatic. Just sit down.” I’m surprised when he does so, his eyes murderous. “And there’s one stipulation…”

  “Seriously? You’re making me kiss you and giving me rules?”

  I laugh a little and smooth my braid. “I guess so.”

  “What is it?”

  “Don’t touch my hair,” I instruct, staring him down. “I don’t like my hair being touched, not while it’s in such atrocious condition.”

  “Whatever,” he murmurs and parts his knees so mine fit between them.

  I blow out a breath and wet my lips. “Just kiss me.”

  “I’m never coming back here. You know that right?”

  I click my fingers and grin. “How about this? Kiss me and I’ll never make my sister leave. She can stay and be yours forever… or don’t kiss me and I’ll take her away. We both know I have the power to do that.”

  He wets his soft-looking lips. “I have your word?”

  I nod. “I’ll tell her we can stay. For a kiss I’d say that’s not a bad deal. I’m trading the rest of my life for just a minute of your lips on mine.”

  “She can’t know,” he states.

  “Duh.”

  He grabs my arm and yanks me towards him. I squeak when his lips hit mine, crushing them painfully.

  Ouch.

  He pulls away just as suddenly, his eyes wild and angry. Does he really think that’s enough?

  This time I yank him, and his hands grab my biceps, squeezing hard but not so hard that it hurts. I lick the seam of his lips, tasting him and he opens his mouth. Finally.

  My tongue touches his. He tastes of cola and something else, something that’s strictly him. It’s exactly how I imagined but also so much better. He growls as his lips move against my own. This isn’t passionate, this is anger. It’s incredible
.

  It’s exactly what I need. I have a feeling he needs it too. Especially after that conversation.

  I deepen the kiss, grabbing the back of his neck so he can’t escape but he bites my bottom lip so hard my eyes ping open and I taste blood.

  “That’s enough,” he snaps, leaning back to glare at me.

  My hand connects with his cheek and his head flies to the side. A welt the shape of a handprint appears on his face, bubbling across the surface of his smooth, bronze skin.

  We stare at each other for a beat as blood drips down my chin.

  “I decide when it’s enough.” I grab his hair and kiss him again, diving deep into his mouth. I can taste him, myself, blood… fuck.

  This is my game. I get to decide when this ends. I get to choose. Not him.

  I climb onto his lap, my lips still attached to his. He doesn’t stop me. His eyes are squeezed closed as our mouths assault each other, his hands by his sides. He won’t touch me. He doesn’t want to. But I want him to. I need him to.

  I want this. I need this. He needs this. I can give him what my sister can’t. I can be an outlet for all his anger, and I can tell that he has so much of it. Maybe as much as me.

  I reach between us, pulling down the elasticated waist of his paint-covered sweatpants, and before he even realizes what I’ve done, I have my hand around his cock.

  His eyes spring open, and he pulls back. “Wait,” he breathes, panicked, but it’s too late, I’ve already worked my skirt out of the way, yanked my panties to the side and have poised him at my entrance.

  “WILLOW, STOP!”

  My back hits the floor so hard my head bounces off the concrete. Ouch.

  Nokosi stands above me, eyes blazing as he pulls his pants back up. “Are you fucking insane?”

  “Probably,” I reply, smiling at him. “That and horny.” I hide the rejection I feel, the burning anger and jealousy that he still chose my sister after that kiss.

  He needs me I can tell.

  “You’re so uptight.”

  “Stay the fuck away from me,” he barks, grabbing his truck keys off the ground and heading towards the door.

  “It’s just sex, Nokosi… I know you want it.”

  “Not with you.”

  My hands fist by my side and I punch him in the back between his shoulder blades. “What does she have that I don’t?”

  “My heart,” he replies, slamming the door closed so hard a piece of wood splinters from the frame and falls to the floor.

  Just his heart? I could win that too. I could own that.

  I’m worthy.

  I pick up the shard of wood and hold it so tightly in my hand my knuckles turn white.

  The way he kissed me… I know he wants me… it’s just my sister got to him first.

  Lilith

  “We need to talk,” Nokosi whispers, taking my arm in his hand.

  “I’m playing soccer,” I whine, looking at Mackenzie who I hate but am choosing to stay close with because she knows things and I need to stay on top of what she knows.

  Nokosi kicks the ball away from me and all but drags me to the edge of the field.

  “I’ll be back,” I call, ignoring my teacher when she blows the whistle at me. I investigate my lover’s pointed pupils and then up at the sun in the sky. It’s a really nice day, he better not be about to spoil my mood. “Couldn’t this have waited?”

  “Probably,” he answers, grinning and pulling me into his arms to kiss me. His hands cup my rear making me squeak and shove him away.

  “Will you stop?”

  “Never.”

  “Is this what you pulled me out of class for? To grab my butt and kiss me?”

  “Well, that and… Dad just called.” He pulls out his phone and I shield it with my hand so I can see the screen. “He said that one of our neighbors is having another kid and have bought a bigger place. They’re selling their old one. It’s a ten-minute walk from Dad’s at most.” He scrolls through the pictures of the log cabin-type house that’s like his own. “Dad said he’ll loan me the money for the deposit because my savings aren’t enough… but I don’t want to get it if you’re not going to do it with me.”

  I can’t stifle my smile as I take the phone from his hand and look through the pictures that show the small, cozy home that’s big enough for a family of three. Or in our case, us and maybe a big dog.

  “You’re asking me to move in with you?” I mutter as his arms come around my waist. He nods against the side of my head. “We hardly know each other.”

  “I know that I love you and I don’t want to lose you.”

  I close my eyes to stop them from burning. “You love me?”

  “Stay with me. I’m not going to college, my job pays well enough to keep us happy, you have no plans for college… and I know you love this life. I know I can make you happy.”

  “You do make me happy.”

  “Then stay with me.”

  I hesitate. I want to scream yes at the top of my lungs more than he knows, but I have obligations.

  “Please say yes and we’ll sign the papers this week.”

  I turn in his arms and press my cheek to his chest. “What about my sister? I can’t leave her.”

  My teacher blows her whistle again. “You have five seconds, Lilith!”

  “We’ll talk later,” I say, kissing him once more.

  “Say yes,” he orders, backing away from me.

  I wave at him and get back to my game.

  “What was that all about?” Mack asks, kicking the ball to me and catching it with her hands when I return it with a little too much power. “Not the face, come on…”

  “Sorry.” I try to balance it on my foot, but soccer has never been my game. I’m more into baseball.

  “Tell me,” she insists, tightening her ponytail with both hands.

  “Nokosi just found us a place. He wants us to move in together.”

  She grins. “That’s so fucking cool!”

  “Right?”

  “But…?”

  “Huh?”

  “You look ready to say but.”

  “My sister,” I say as a reason and shrug my shoulders. “She’s dying.”

  “I get that… but you’re not.” She’s such a bitch, but I really respect that about her. She’s not fake. Even though she asks all the right questions that piss me off immensely, she doesn’t pretend to be something she’s not or try to spare your feelings. “How long does she have left? Can’t she live with you while she dies?”

  “You’re so crass,” I tell her but I’m chuckling too. She’s only saying all the things I’m thinking. “I’ll speak to Nok about it, and her… we’ll all figure something out.” I bite my lip and kick the ball a little too hard again. “He told me he loves me. He’s never said it before.”

  “He strikes me as the type that’s never said it to anyone before.”

  I nod my agreement. “I don’t think he has.” We kick the ball back and forth silently for a few beats. “Any news on SSS?”

  We abbreviated the serial killer because saying School Sigil Searer each time was getting too much. Especially since it’s mostly the focal point of all our conversations.

  “They’re pretty sure that the body they found is of the killer, every update is just further evidence pointing to this person.”

  I feel my relief soar. “This is good. Maybe it’ll all be over soon.”

  “Yeah, exactly.” She grins wryly at me. “You know, for a while there I thought it might be you. New girl, new town, sketchy history, tons of cash, dating the nastiest guy in a prep school. You totally fit the MO and Nokosi for the most part fits the victims’ profile.”

  I knew she suspected me. Not that I care. “Only fifteen percent of all serial killers to date are female… roughly. What a find that would have been. Not only a female, but just a kid, killing over thirty boys across the States.”

  “Yeah, I know, you’re totally not savage enough for that. You’ve got to be rea
lly fucked up to have killed all of those people and still be able to interact with the world afterwards.”

  I laugh even though I shouldn’t find it funny. It’s just the situation. If only she knew how close she was to my own truth. “Well, let’s hope I’m actually not the killer because the next person on my list would definitely be the smartest girl in school with the wrong suspicions.”

  “Not funny,” she retorts but she’s laughing too. “If you kill me, make it quick, yeah? And at least let me pop my cherry first. I don’t want to die a virgin.”

  “Have you met Bobby?” I jest, knowing full well she has and how irritating she finds him. “He’s passionate, remember?”

  She kicks the ball at my face, but I duck at the right moment and it sails over my head.

  Laughing still, I run after it.

  * * *

  Willow

  Willow: Can you come over later and help me out again?

  He doesn’t reply. I really pushed him too soon. Fuck. If I’d bided my time and been patient, I’d be able to hang out with them and seduce him that way. Maybe then he’d see how good we are for each other. If I’d given him more time he might have fallen for me too.

  He should be mine. Not hers. She’s got a lifetime to find someone like Nokosi. I only have a few months.

  Willow: I’m really sorry for what I did. I feel terrible. If there’s any way I can make it up to you, let me know.

  Nokosi: Stop texting me. This has gone too far.

  Willow: Can you blame me for it though? Really? You’ve seen you right? No girl in her right mind could spend all that time alone with you and not fall for you.

  Nokosi: I love your sister. You’re sick for wanting what she has.

  Willow: You’re right. I’m sick. I have a tumor in my brain. I’m dying. Try to see this from my side. All I wanted was one night. What’s wrong with that?

  Nokosi: I’m not texting anymore. I’m done with you, Willow. Leave me alone.

  Willow: You’re losing the best thing that has ever happened to you. I’m everything you need. I can make you happy. Just give me a chance.