Naked or Dead

by Murphy, A. E.

  How could somebody I hardly know have the power to destroy me like this?

  She meant to kill me. She never said she loved me. She never even really told me she cared except for when she was jealous or bouncing on my dick unprotected. Because turns out her sister—the not dying one—was the one who had the birth control… or so I gather.

  What a mess.

  Lilith was a mess. She’s made me into a mess.

  I hold the large letter again and contemplate ripping it up, but I just can’t.

  It’s Lilith. Apart from a few photos of her, it’s all I have left.

  Nash and my father enter the house. The kid is squawking.

  I don’t care.

  I rip open the large envelope with the same amount of care I have for that kid downstairs. ZERO. More, smaller envelopes fall out, one of them is so thick and heavy I wonder if it might be a book. I push that to the side and go for the one that says, READ ME FIRST OR BE HAUNTED FOREVER.

  I tear it open with a little more tact this time and hold it level with my eyes.

  Nokosi, I have started and stopped this letter around fifty times. It’s the hardest one I will ever write in my life… and the last one. (That was a joke. Maybe one day you’ll laugh.)

  I know you probably hate me, or maybe you’ve forgotten all about me and have moved on already.

  But I just need you to know that those few precious weeks that we spent together were the greatest, most fucked-up weeks of my entire life.

  I fell for you so hard and so fast my head is still spinning… or maybe that’s the tumor.

  I didn’t ignore your letters. I consumed them and I replied to every single one. They follow this, but you need to read this one first because it’s the most important.

  I’m dead now. Not right this second but by the time you’re reading this I’m dead and I am entrusting you with my greatest achievement.

  My beating heart. The only part of me that is not tainted and never will be.

  Our daughter

  I have yet to meet her myself but I love her so unconditionally it hurts to think that you might not want her. I’m hoping you’ve already seen her and have fallen in love, faster and harder than you did with me. Because fuck it if we didn’t fall fast and hard and my biggest regret is never having the chance to tell you just how much you mean to me.

  That’s my gift to you. My undying, unconditional love. It just comes in a completely different package.

  You will make a kick-ass father. I trust nobody else with her but you.

  Get Nash to teach her how to ride a dirt bike because you suck, and you teach her how to fish with a spear, and climb trees to the top, and fear nothing.

  I wanted her so badly and you. I wanted to see you one last time, but I left you with an awful memory as it was. I can’t bear for you to see me now. Not in the condition I’m in. I’m dying and I look like I’m dying. I can’t put you through that or myself.

  I’ve stuck a photo to the back of this letter, my favorite photo of you and me together from the camping trip on the beach. I hope you might use it to show our girl how much love created her.

  I also hope you might look at it one day and think fondly of me and not just that psycho bitch you screwed around with once or twice.

  I love you, Nokosi Locklear, and I am so sorry for everything I did that ever hurt you and your family. And I know you struggle with what happened to your mother during your birth but as a woman, giving up her life to save her daughter, I can tell you right now that it is worth it and your mom would be so proud of you.

  Just as I will always be proud of our daughter.

  This wasn’t a sacrifice. This was the greatest decision I ever could have made.

  Forever yours,

  Lilith Locklear

  I scrunch the letter up to my chest and growl a quiet, painful scream. Then I drop it and rip open the rest. Sure enough, there they are, the responses to my letters and also two huge wads of cash.

  Well… at least she paid child support.

  I almost laugh to myself; she’d have loved that joke. Her humor was so dry and witty.

  I pick up the scrunched-up letter and peel away the photo. It’s a bit crinkled but I can see why it’s her favorite. It’s a stupid selfie photo, we’re in our truck tent and I’m sleeping, my head is tucked under her chin and she’s smiling at the camera. She looks so beautiful and happy.

  “I’ll remember you like this forever, baby,” I breathe, touching her face.

  Then I stand up, open my door, go and wash my hands and head downstairs to meet my daughter.

  “I’m calling her Lily,” I say firmly, taking my fluffy pink bundle from my brother. “Because Lilith hated being called Lily.”

  Nash snorts, my dad sighs, but neither of them argues.

  “I have no idea what to do with you,” I say to the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life. “You’re going to have your momma’s smile so I don’t ever lose it.”

  She hiccups softly and purses her tiny love-heart-shaped lips.

  I kiss them twice.

  “You’re not alone,” my dad assures me.

  But I already know I’m not. I’ll never be alone again.

  6 years later

  Nokosi

  “Lily?” I call, scratching the scruff of my chin. “Where are you? You little beast.”

  I hear her giggle quietly from somewhere in the trees and chuckle to myself.

  “Lily?” I call again softly, standing tall so as to try and catch a glimpse of the top of her black hair. “Come out, come out wherever you are.”

  She giggles again and I see a flash of her pink jacket as she runs away from me.

  “Come on, Lily,” I whine. “Dinner’s ready. I’m hungry. I’ve been working all day.”

  “Gotta find me first, Papa!”

  I race around the tree I saw her blur past.

  This is getting tiresome.

  “Lily,” I snap, feeling irritated now. “If you don’t get your butt here right now...”

  “Okay, okay,” she grumbles, crawling out from under a bush. “Bossy boots.”

  I grab her and lift her over my shoulder. “Who are you calling bossy boots?”

  “You, Mr. Stinky.”

  I swing her down into a cradle carry and she laughs, looking up at me with light brown eyes, just like mine, Nash’s, my father’s, and grandfather’s. To say they’re a dominant eye would be an understatement. Her hair is long, sleek, and black but braided into two perfect braids. She looks like me, but as promised on the day I got her, she kept her mother’s smile.

  It’s my greatest joy each day seeing my heart smile and she is so easy to amuse.

  “I love you.” I tell her this often because once upon a time I didn’t say it often enough.

  Suddenly Lily gasps and scrambles out of my arms and onto her feet. “BINGBONG!” She races back towards the trees.

  “Come on, Lily,” I push my hand through my hair.

  “I’ll be one second, I forgot BINGBONG.”

  Bingbong is this ridiculous-looking purple caterpillar stuffed animal that Nash brought her back from England. It’s funny because he was the homebody that never wanted to leave and he’s the one that has travelled the world. I, however, have stayed here with my daughter and father and I don’t regret a single second of it. I never want to be anywhere else.

  Lily screams, it’s loud and sudden and not a scream of joy.

  I don’t think, I just react, racing towards the sound, thinking the worst.

  “LILY?” I yell, terrified. My feet hit the dirt, my legs carrying me faster than they ever have before. “LILY!”

  No answer. Where was she hiding before? THINK, DAMN IT!

  I look around, feeling my breath come out in quick, short bursts.

  “LILY, PLEASE!” I beg, pushing on, deeper into the trees. She knows these woods; she wouldn’t have gotten lost. She couldn’t have gotten so far that she can’t hear me when I call.

>   WHERE IS SHE? I can’t lose her. No.

  “LILY!”

  “Right here, Daddy,” she says from my right, strolling from around a huge red alder tree without a care in the world, the purple toy under her arm.

  I grip her shoulders and check her for damage. “What happened?”

  “I slipped down the slope,” she replies, smiling, eyes shining with innocence and happiness. “But I’m okay, Mommy saved me.”

  She has fantasized about her mother before, of course she has. She’s a little girl with only my aunts, and Mackenzie, Lilith’s sort of frenemy who stepped up to help after she found out about Lily.

  I don’t know what I would have done without her to be honest. She’s been a constant, despite her busy life and crazy journalism job. I always thought she’d be a detective.

  Lily is always obsessing over her mother and asking about her, and a few times she has claimed to see her. Usually on her birthdays.

  It’s all wishful thinking of course.

  “Did she?” I ask, raising my brow.

  “Yeah,” she implores, nodding her head excitedly. “She told me to be more careful.”

  “Well then, she’s very smart.”

  “And beautiful.”

  I laugh and pinch her nose. “The most beautiful woman in the world.”

  She catches my humor and scowls at me. “You don’t believe me.”

  I cup her cheek and smooth away her frown with my thumb. My hand is so big compared to her perfect little head. “I believe that you love your mommy so much, that you want to see her wherever you are.”

  “She knew you wouldn’t believe me too, she said all you have to do is howl and she’ll howl back.”

  I chuckle nervously, because that’s a bit eerie.

  We still do the howl like I did as a teen, but it’s rare, and it’s mostly just something my family shares with Lily. She enjoys it.

  “She did, she said she’ll howl so you know she’s okay and she’s happy and so you’ll know I’m not telling tales.”

  Her imagination is insane. I just hope not as insane as her mother’s.

  That was a joke Lilith definitely would have found funny.

  “Come on.” I pick her up and prop her on my hip and we exit the trees in silence.

  We get to my little cabin, the one Lilith and I were supposed to have, and I push open the heavy door then place my daughter on her feet.

  I turn back to look at the trees, so thick and beautiful and peaceful.

  Then, on a whim, and because why not? I cup my hands to my mouth, tilt my head back, and howl loud and long at the setting sun. Lily joins in, her little voice not carrying as far as mine, but it still lingers in the following echoes.

  She giggles and holds my hand when I let it drop and I wait forever, watching the sun set for a few minutes, eyes scanning the trees, hoping she’ll maybe come back to me.

  Nothing comes back to us, not a sound, not a shuffle, not a whisper, so with sadness we turn to go inside.

  But then…

  It happens.

  Something howls back. A long, high note. It sounds just like Lilith. Exactly how I remember. Or maybe now I’m the one with the insane imagination.

  It makes me feel emotional, even now after all these years I still wish she could be by my side.

  “See, Daddy?” Lily asks, tugging on my hand and grinning with excitement and wonder. “That means she’s safe and happy.”

  With tears blurring my eyes, I pick my daughter up and hug her tight. “It sure does, Lily-bug.”

  I close the door behind us, saying goodbye for the last time.

  ENDING NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

  Thank you so much for reading Lilith and Nokosi’s story, I really hope you enjoyed it. I’m adding this note to explain a couple of things to you that I couldn’t explain before you started the book because spoilers.

  As you might have noticed, this book has been written by both A. E. Murphy (me) and Xela Knight (Me). Both are my pen names and the reason for the crossover is because this story is a sort of villain’s prequel to Xela Knight’s works in progress.

  Xela is my pen name for all my future paranormal/fantasy works. At this point in time, 23/07/2019, I haven’t released any under Xela Knight except for this.

  This is purely because I’m building a massive collection of novels under that pen name and I want to make sure most of them are done before I release them so that you guys don’t have to wait too long for each installment.

  To follow Xela Knight, simply like her page on FB.

  Thank you so much for your time.

  Much love,

  A. E. Murphy

  Xela Knight

  Have you read…?

  STEPDORK

  A. E. Murphy

  Available on KU

  “I hate him. I hate him like a rash. I want him to leave before I have to leave.” I roll onto my back and sling an arm over my eyes. My feet press into the soft mat of the lounger I’m on.

  We’re supposed to be decorating my bedroom, but the sun is shining and I really need to bake my tan a little bit more. Plus, Cella got bored and Molly got hungry.

  Bris is swimming laps in the pool. Or trying to. She’s not the most graceful swimmer. I’ve never seen somebody splash so much. She swims like she’s trying to break through ice.

  It’s a nice spray of cool water as she goes by us though.

  “Is this about what he said the other day?” Molly asks around a mouthful of bread.

  Oh carbs, how I miss thee.

  “Oh no, it gets better,” Cella says, having been the one to suffer my grumblings this week.

  We haven’t seen much of Molly this week because she’s been sick and Bris has been with Parker sucking face every chance she gets. So gross.

  “The little fucktard is like majorly OCD and we have to share a bathroom, right? So he is constantly organizing and bleaching and shit like that.”

  “Doesn’t sound so bad,” Molly says, still eating.

  “Close your mouth, skank.” Cella grins at our mutual friend. “Nobody wants to see that.”

  Bris swims to the side of the pool closest to us. “What’s going on?”

  “Well.” I sit up, straddle the sun lounger and look at them all. “He decided to mop the floor like a weirdo, and instead of picking up my clothes and dropping them in my room, he pushed them with the mop, so hello, bleach stains.”

  “Oh no, he didn’t,” Molly gasps, her mouth now wide open and showing a mixture of sloppy bread and ham.

  “Close your dick-sucking mouth,” Cella yells at her, throwing a small towel directly at her face.

  “Why didn’t you put your clothes in the hamper?” Bris asks and I shoot her a glare.

  “I usually do, okay, but I was high, I forgot! He could have told me to move them and I would have.” We haven’t spoken at all since that night in the kitchen, we actively avoid each other at all costs.

  Bris cringes. “What a snake.”

  “Right?” Cella agrees.

  I fake sob for a moment. “It was my Beatles shirt, the one we got from that greasy bridge guy on the strip.”

  “Oh no, I loved that shirt.” Molly pats me on the arm, leaving breadcrumbs behind.

  “Ew,” I murmur and brush them off with the side of my hand.

  Cella pulls out a cigarette and pops it between her lips. She lights it with her favorite dolphin-shaped lighter and relaxes back on her lounger. “He’s such a loser.”

  “Oh my God, he’s at the window upstairs!” Molly hisses, without pointing or drawing too much attention. Cella and I both look up, over the pool and above the kitchen window. There he is, standing at his window though I can’t tell if he’s looking at us or not.

  “Probably batting one off to our sexy bodies,” Cella comments and flips him off. “Look all you like, perv, you’ll never have this!”

  “Closest he’s getting to a vagina is the moment he exited his mom’s,” Bris states and we all burst into a fi
t of laughter.

  Acknowledgments

  To PamPammy Shepherd, thank you for taking the alpha copy of this book and guiding me to the next stage. You’re a crazy AF lady that I adore. I can’t wait to share more alcoholic slushies with you.

  Jami Kehr, you are still a goddess and I will be forever in your debt for all the amazing things you do for me and so many other authors. You deserve a medal.

  Judy Zweifel of Judy’s Proofreading, I don’t thank you enough for your hard work and epic editing. I highly recommend this editor.

  Danielle Dickson, a cover-creating legend, I couldn’t imagine working with anybody else. Your design skills just match my very vague visions so entirely. You outdo yourself every single time.

  Graphics by Tammy, the lady who formats my books to get them ready for eBook and print. You’re amazing at what you do and so helpful and patient with me despite some of my errors in the past.

  To everybody who accepted an ARC of A Little Bit of Guilt (Little Bits #5), my last release, thank you kindly. Lori Lynagh, Scarlett Emily Phillips, Charlotte day, Jami Kehr, Addi Willock, Magdalena, Monika Raun, Nikki Jones, Savanna Miller, Charlena Barclay, Natasha Gutierrez.