Whammo Ranch

by Jerry Boyd

  “I’ll check into it and let you know, Bob. I don’t have a clue off the top of my head.”

  Just then I heard Snitz whine from inside the house. The Patrol had arrived. Sergeant Darning stepped out when they landed. “I, uh, got flustered yesterday and forgot to get that saucer. Is it still in the garage?”

  “No, we had to move it. Had some paying customers come in, with presents.”

  “Presents?”

  “You didn’t hear about the Bethene flu?”

  He looked around, somewhat panicked, but the ship that brought him had already left. I said, “It’s quarantined, and the patients are receiving treatment. Kind of put us in a bind when you fellas wouldn’t help out, but we found some medicine and got things under control.”

  “We what? I know the Major doesn’t like you lot, but that’s crazy.”

  “What’s the Major got against us? He seemed friendly enough.”

  “That kid your wife bounced out of his research was the Major’s nephew.”

  “That explains a lot. Come on, we better get you airborne, before he has an excuse to gig you for being late.”

  I opened the barn for him. “The stealth was flickering when they came in. I don’t know if that was a real issue, or they were trying to convince us they were in trouble.”

  “Oh, goody. Mind if I run a diagnostic before I leave?”

  “Be our guest, just please don’t use main power till your ready to leave. We’re not sure if us primitives have good enough tech to pick the signature or not, but we’d rather be safe.”

  “You mean you guys aren’t sanctioned by your government?”

  “Not at all. If they find out about us, we’ll be in dark little cells until they find out everything we know about saucers and you folks.”

  “I believe your phrase is, ‘Big Brass Ones’”

  “Hear that a lot, lately.”

  He ran his diagnostic, and found that the stealth problem was, in fact, a program they had put in place to look worse off than they were. He fired it up, and was gone. I closed the garage, and went back to the house.

  The Ladies were all sitting around the kitchen table when I got inside. I asked, “Any of you know how to give a shot? I need to train on Dingus’ saucer.”

  Dee spoke up, “I used to give a friend of mine her insulin, when her eyes got too bad to do it herself. I can help you out if you know the right dose.”

  “John’s got it written down. I’ll show you.”

  While we were getting set up, I asked Dee, “We had planned to get you certified competent, and go from there. Since you took rejuve, nobody’s going to believe you’re the same lady. Do you just want a new ID, or how do you want to handle it?”

  “I guess I’m going to have to be somebody new, but I better keep my first name. I don’t think I could learn to answer to a new name after all this time.”

  “We’ll take some pictures later. John can send them in when he gets out of quarantine. Any other problems you have with how things are going?”

  “No. You fellas have taken wonderful care of me. Sure wish I had that Chevelle back that my son took when he got my license. I feel like a mooch, having to bum a ride.”

  “No promises, but I’ll look into it.”

  “Thanks, Bob.”

  When I got done with my class and woke up, I heard the TV running in the other room. The ladies were having a big time. I decided not to bother them and went to find Max. “Hey, Max, I need a little help, if you’ve got time.”

  “Sure, Bob, what do you need?”

  “You made an inventory of all the stuff we salvaged, didn’t you?”

  “I did. Looking for something in particular?”

  “A power core for your Dad’s saucer. I think one of those we couldn’t get flying has a core that will work, but I don’t remember what kind of shape it was in.”

  “Let’s see, is this the one you were taking about?”

  “That’s it. This says that core is almost new, I wonder how it wound up in that junker?”

  “Probably just what was available. Their operation didn’t seem all that well run.”

  “This says it’s an improved model with more power, I need to figure out how many other problems that will cause.”

  Max showed me how to access the data I needed, and I found a simple software patch that would keep the bigger core from overloading the other parts. I thanked Max, and told him I was going over to my place to get started pulling that core and fixing Dingus’ saucer. I hopped a cargo bot in the truck to help with the lifting, and tarped it down. Snitz wanted to come along, and hopped in the truck. When I got to our new place, I had a thought. I called the lawyer John and I had talked to about Delilah’s competency hearing. I asked if he could get an investigator to find Dee’s old car, and put whatever charges he incurred on our bill. He said he would be glad to. I told him we probably weren’t going forward with the hearing, but we would no doubt have other business for him soon. We said our goodbyes, and Snitz and I wandered off to the barn. Getting the power core out of the saucer wasn’t nearly as hard as I had feared. Having the bot to hold things up helped immensely. I had a small service bot crawl behind and undo a couple of bolts, wish I had one of those when I used to work at the dealership. In the process of wrestling the core out of one saucer, and into the other, I found a few places that looked as if they might be vibrating against one another. I had a piece of inner tube in the truck’s toolbox, and used it to cushion those spots. Once the core was snugged up in Dingus’ saucer, I tried to get in to run diagnostics. The saucer threatened to stun me, so I backed off and called Dingus. “Are you busy right now, Dingus?”

  “No, Bob, we’re just passing time waiting for all the virus to be gone from these folks systems. I can send the diagnostic report to your communicator if you would like.”

  “That would be great, I can find the parts they need and have them ready. I called about something else, though. I put a new power core in your saucer for you, but I can’t get in to run diagnostics on it.”

  “Bob, you’re a wonder! Where did you get a core?”

  “One of those saucers we couldn’t get running the other night had a nearly new core that would fit. Just lucky, it seems.”

  “When I hang up, I’ll tell the saucer to give you maintenance access. That’s all I can do from here. You can run diagnostics and check systems, but if you try to take off, it won’t let you.”

  “Sounds good, thanks.”

  By the time the diagnostic finished, it was suppertime. A few problems had shown up, but I could deal with those tomorrow. I left the bot, in case I had more heavy parts to move tomorrow. Snitz and I climbed in the truck and drove back. When we got in the house, Dee said, “I told you he would be back for supper. He may be dumb, but he likes to eat.”

  “What thanks I get for working on your man’s ride all afternoon!”

  Nikki jumped in,“Ooh, Bob is doing his job, all hail Bob. Wash up for supper, Caveman.”.

  I said, “Max, have I ever thanked you for raising her to be so kind and respectful?”

  “No, Bob, you haven’t.”

  “There’s a reason for that.”

  After supper, Max and I made a list of parts I needed to get from the other place to be ready to fix our customer’s saucer when the quarantine was lifted. I asked, “I keep calling them ‘our customers’. Do we have a name for these folks?”

  “Dad says they claim to be Mister and Missus Duram, and their son Hirus. Duram is like Smith or Jones in your culture, so he is a little suspicious.”

  “Any way to check that?”

  “The Patrol has a database. Getting them to help is the problem.”

  “Do we have Sergeant Darn-Your-Socks’ private comm code?”

  “We do, you sneaky primitive.”

  “Hook me up, we’ll see if he’s willing to help.”

  “Sergeant Darning, how are you this fine day?”

  “Bob Wilson. I tremble in fear over what
this call could be about.”

  “Oh now, Mike, the Major’s still in quarantine, he’s not going to shoot your ass today.”

  “Not today, you say?”

  “The week’s still young, Mike. Could you possibly run a couple of IDs for us? These folks that brought us the flu seem a little hinky.”

  “Hinky? Oh, I see, one of your colloquialisms. You don’t think they’re who they say they are?”

  “Mr. and Mrs. Dunam, would you risk a half ounce on that?”

  “No, Bob, I would not.”

  I sent him what data we had. He came back immediately. “You boys do love your bounties, don’t you? Let me know when they get out of quarantine, I’ll have to come get them.”

  “They are traveling with a minor child, just so you are aware.”

  “That does complicate things.”

  “What about their saucer? It needs repairs before it’s airworthy, will the Patrol pay for that?”

  “I doubt it. You could, however, bid on transporting it to our base.”

  “Okay. While I’ve got you, I need to ask about another little thing. How do we go about getting good title to these salvage vehicles, so we can operate them legally?”

  “I’ll send you the forms. It’s just a formality, in this case, since the Patrol directed you to take them.”

  “I hope you’re right. Thanks.”

  I forwarded the forms to Max, since he handled all the paperwork. “Max, please, see if there’s a way for the Patrol Major to hold us up on those, and do all you can to see that he doesn’t.”

  “I’ll do what I can, Bob. We may need to file in a different district.”

  “Would you need to do that in person?”

  “Could be. Let me see if I can get someone to handle it for us.”

  It was getting late. I called John to check in before I called it a night. “Hi, Bob, what’s up?”

  “Nothing, really. Just checking in to see how it’s going.”

  “Pretty good. We should be able to unseal in the morning.”

  “That’s great! Can you call me before you do that, though? I need to make some arrangements.”

  “This about what Dingus and Max discussed?”

  “It is. We have another lucky winner. Watch yourself, They probably have weapons stashed.”

  “I see what you’re saying, Robert. I’ll take care of that for you.”

  “See you in the morning, then.”

  I shouted, “Everybody gear up. I think Dingus and John have been taken hostage.”

  Max asked, “Why do you say that?”

  “John called me Robert. He never does that unless he’s trying to signal me about something.”

  “Should we call the Patrol?”

  I said, “Not until we’re sure.”

  We just got off the porch when the garage door started up. All of us took up firing positions, even Max. A man came into view, holding a weapon to Dingus’ head. He was hit with five stunner bolts before he could speak. I heard a commotion inside the garage, and John yelled, “I’ve got her, but the kid is still in the saucer.”

  Dingus looked a little loopy, from being so close to all those stunner hits, but he was still standing. Dee went to help him. Nikki and I went to clear the saucer, while Lyla and Max covered the prisoners. I called out, “Okay, kid, no need for any more trouble. Come on out, and we’ll get all this sorted out.”

  “I’m scared. You’re going to hurt me.”

  “No, we’re not. I’m coming in now, just stay calm.”

  I walked through the door. I felt the pain, I felt myself falling. I heard Nikki yell, and I heard her stunner go off. A lot.

  When I woke up, I was confused, because I had never been in the autodoc before. Nikki and John were looking down at me. Nikki said, “You stupid S.O.B., why didn’t you wait for a flash bang? That little twerp almost killed you. Don’t ever do that to me again!”

  “You’re right. I was stupid. He sounded so scared, I just didn’t think.”

  John said, “Well, we got you in here quick enough, this time. That’s enough stupid John Wayne stunts, you hear!?”

  “Yes, John, I hear. Is the plague contained?”

  “They were clear before the excitement. We were just trying to keep them contained till we could get word to you to be ready.”

  “Anybody call the Patrol? Apparently the two adults have bounties.”

  “They’ve been and gone. Brought us titles to all the saucers we salvaged. Dingus called in a favor, and got them expedited.”

  “That’s great! What happened to the punk who shot me?”

  “You mean after Nikki drained her stunner in him? He had nearly as many bounties as his folks.”

  “How long have I been out?”

  “Two days. It’s Thursday morning. We went ahead and did the full package while we had you inside anyway. Nikki said you’d just find excuses not to if we waited.”

  “Always something to do around here. I need to get back to Dingus’ ride.”

  “Nope. Dee and Dingus finished getting it ready to fly. Dingus hauled off the plague saucer to the Patrol base. I sent in Dee’s pictures, her new ID should be here anytime, and you have a message to call the lawyer when you can. Anything else you feel a need to be worrying about at this particular moment in time?”

  “I gotta whiz.”

  Max spoke up, “That’s our Bob, always practical.”

  I raised my head and looked around. The basement was full. Dee, Dingus, Lyla and Max were there, but also our paintball team, Julie, Jacob, NotherBob, Jason, and Jack, who was in uniform. “Is it Sunday already?”, I asked.

  Julie said, “Very funny, Bob, we’re not here for paintball. You scared the crap out of all of us.”

  “You’re right. All that good training, and as soon as a kid sounds pathetic, I’m a newbie all over again. Pure stupid. Wish this machine could cure that.”

  John said, “A man has got to know his limitations.”

  “All right Clint, find me some pants.”

  Everyone but John and Nikki adjourned upstairs, to avoid seeing things they’d rather not. When I sat up, I realized I had a nasty headache. “I hope there’s coffee. I have entirely too much blood in my caffeine system.”

  Nikki said, “Let’s get you upstairs, Caveman.”

  When I had taken care of what I needed to do, I went in the kitchen where everyone was congregated. There was an enormous amount of food. After we had all eaten, and everyone was reassured that, indeed, Bob was okay, people began leaving. It struck me that I never realized how much my friends cared about me. After the paintball team was gone, Lyla said to Nikki, “Can you run me over to my saucer? I need to get back and file my story.”

  Nikki replied, “Let me get the key to the barn, and I’ll be right there.”

  Dingus came and sat by me. He said, “Bob, I know you’ve been awfully busy lately, but you REALLY need to take the tactical training courses. All the way up to the advanced special that I wrote.”

  “Understood, sir.”

  “You don’t have to be all official about it, Bob. We all make mistakes. I just don’t want to deal with Nikki if you mess up and get yourself killed.”

  “Oh, self preservation, now I understand. I wanted to ask you, but I never got the chance. Is there any way to become a Guide auxiliary base or something, so we have supplies for these kinds of things on hand?”

  “I’ll see what I can do when I’m back there. I’m sure things have changed in the last hundred years, so I couldn’t say for sure, but we should be able to get a medkit, with all the essentials. No cure for dumbass, though.”

  “I deserve that. Are you coming back after you file paperwork?”

  “I don’t think Dee wants to leave permanently, But we may do a little sightseeing while we’re gone. You need us back for something?”

  “Dee’s cooking, mostly.”

  Dee spoke up, “Listen at that line of crap. You know you need my man here to bail you out when you
r bulldog mouth overloads your canary ass!”

  Dingus said, “She does have a point.”

  I replied, “She does, at that.”

  When Nikki got back, she said, “Bob, that robot you left at the other place got bored. You hadn’t shut it down all the way. It organized the barn, you can actually find things now.”

  “Oops. Did you shut it off?”

  “Yes, Caveman, I can remember to take care of things.”

  Dingus spoke up, “I think she can keep you on the straight and narrow for a few weeks, we’re going to take off.” He hugged Nikki, shook hands with the rest of us. Dee had hugs for everyone. “You take care of one another, you hear?”

  Nikki and I drove them to the other place to get their ride. Dingus said, “I hope you don’t mind, I grabbed some parts off the salvage.”

  “I don’t mind. Just curious, what did you get?”

  “Dee wanted bigger drive emitters, since we have the power to run them, and I found a better flight computer. How it wound up in that piece of junk is a mystery. Few other bits and pieces, nothing major.”

  “At least Dee’s got a hot rod. Teach her to fly and she’ll be happy.”

  Dee said, “He did that while you were snoozing, Caveman.”

  Nikki was right, the barn did look a lot easier to find things in. We said our last goodbyes, and the happy couple headed for the stars. Nikki asked, “We going back to John’s?”

  “There’s nothing here, not even a sleeping bag to put down, and we’re out of food in town. It’s probably best for now. Besides, it’s what Snitz is used to.”

  Just then I realized, Snitz had laid by my feet the whole time Dingus had taken off. I got out my communicator and called him. “Hey Dingus, could you do me a favor?”

  “Sure, Bob, what do you need?”

  “Can you make another pass over us, say 10,000 feet, not too fast?”

  “Okay? What’s up, Bob?”

  “Snitz slept through you taking off.”

  “Oh, I see. Let’s find out. There, did he wake up?”

  “Nope. That was easy. We’ll have to see how the damping I put in holds up. See you later.”

  “Bye Bob.”

  Near John’s, we met a car we didn’t recognize coming from his place. When we got in, I asked, “Who was that?”