What Magic is This?

by Holly Bourne

  “We are! I tried to move an eyeliner using only the power of my brain.”

  “Yeah, to take the piss,” Mia says.

  “No.” It’s the complete truth. “I really did think I was almost there. And Alexis is just hungry.” I reach out an arm. “Come on. It was my idea to do this whole witch sleepover. Why would I do it if I was taking the piss?”

  Mia snuffles. “It takes the piss that you only want to do it to get Dickwad Aidan back.”

  I bunch my hands into my eyes. “Don’t call him that, please.”

  “It’s true.”

  I close my eyes as the sadness hits me again, like someone has just snapped an elastic band against my heart. Aidan doesn’t want me. No one ever wants me. Because I’m too nothing.

  “Can we just go eat pizza and then cast some spells already?” I ask, desperate to get off the subject of Aidan.

  “Promise you’ll take it seriously?” Mia says.

  I nod and she finally lets me hug her. I shuffle onto the bathmat and clutch Mia’s scrawny frame. I can feel her heartbeat thudding through her lacy top and it’s like hugging a terrified bird.

  “What’s going on?” I ask. “Is everything OK?”

  Mia sighs and I know she won’t tell me. She never does. “Yes, I’m fine.”

  “Sure you’re sure?”

  “Sophia, please.”

  “OK, OK, but I’m always here.”

  “I know, and me too. Sorry to call him a dickwad. It just makes me annoyed that he’s upset you so much when you are clearly amazing.”

  It’s weird how compliments can make you feel sad, particularly the ones you disagree with.

  “Well, I’m clearly not. Otherwise he wouldn’t have—”

  “CAN YOU EAT PIZZA RAW?” Alexis calls up the stairs. “I’M SO HUNGRY I CANNOT WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE.”

  Mia and I smile, then we both stand up and walk into the hallway. “HOW ARE YOU STILL HUNGRY?” we shout down the stairs together.

  “I TOLD YOU, IT’S THE GRIEF.”

  CHAPTER FOUR

  I don’t think I believed in magic until I fell in love with Aidan Chambers. Well, to be more accurate, until Aidan fell back in love with me. Everyone in school loves Aidan. It’s a given. A default setting for every girl in Year Nine. One of the most controversial things you can say is, “No, I don’t really fancy Aidan Chambers.” And no one would believe you anyway.

  People like Aidan do not fall in love with people like me. That’s not how school works. That’s not how life works. At least, that’s not how I thought it worked.

  I was resigned to loving him from afar, just like everyone else. It had its high moments – like how he’d pass me in the corridor every Tuesday between eleven‑fifteen and eleven‑eighteen, while I was on my way to English and he was on his way to Maths. I’d dress up every Tuesday for this occasion – doing my hair in a special style, maybe smearing on some lip tint but nothing too strong that’d get me detention. I’d practise walking attractively in my bedroom the night before, choosing what face to pull. One that looked like I was confident and pretty and fun and approachable and lovable, but not trying too hard. Then there were the low moments – where I’d walk past him every Tuesday between eleven‑fifteen and eleven‑eighteen, with red lips and a French plait and a really well‑prepared smile attached to my face … and Aidan would just walk on past me.

  This did not deter my love.

  In time, Aidan will notice me, I’d tell myself at eleven‑nineteen every Tuesday. In time. When it’s right.

  Until that time came, my favourite thing to do was sit and stare into nothingness, imagining how amazing it would feel to be his girlfriend, particularly during the week when he was the lead in the school play. I’d sit in the school hall, in a “reserved” chair in the front row, and after he’d bowed he’d kiss me in front of everybody … But the months kept passing and still Aidan didn’t once notice me.

  That was until I did something a bit weird.

  Look, so maybe this will sound mental. OK, it will definitely sound mental. But I didn’t realise what was going to happen and I was in an odd mood that day. I’d only just got my period, finally. My womb was acting all like, This is everything you’ve been missing out on ALL AT ONCE, especially as I was the last girl in my form to start. I was using a giant nappy‑like sanitary towel every two hours and it felt like my womb was trying to dig its way out of my body using a spoon. So, yeah, maybe it was the blood loss, or just that Chemistry was really boring, but I … I …

  I cast a love spell on Aidan Chambers using a Bunsen burner, OK?

  I was feeling crushed because it was a Tuesday and he’d ignored me again. To be fair, I hadn’t made my normal effort, as I’d spent the whole of that morning before school in child’s pose on the bathroom floor, howling like a cat and saying to Mum, “You mean it’s going to be this bad every month for the next forty years of my life?” I’d missed the bus and Mum had had to drive me to school with crap sweaty hair. So of course Aidan hadn’t noticed me. Together with all the hormones and the period, this had made me so upset that I went and cried in a toilet cubicle.

  Then I had Chemistry and my partner, Nell, was off again with chronic fatigue syndrome. So I was doing an experiment alone in the corner, just like most lessons since she’d got sick two months before. We were supposed to be setting aluminium on fire, to see what colour it turned or something. The Bunsen burners were out and I was staring into the flame in front of me, thinking about how beautiful Aidan’s chin is. It was then that I heard a voice in my head whisper to the rest of me: Cast a little love spell.

  I didn’t give it any thought, just ripped out a page of my Chemistry book and wrote Aidan’s name with mine and a heart around them. I didn’t know if that was an actual spell; it just felt right. Then I folded the paper up, kissed it, held it between the metal tongs and shoved it into the flame. It burst into a spectacular orange and I found myself whispering, “If we are supposed to be together, bring us together. Help him see me as I see him.”

  Then I got a horrifically bad period cramp and all the dramatic tension vanished. I had to ask to be excused and I limped out.

  It was all a bit embarrassing and I didn’t think much more of it – until two weeks later. I was sitting on my own again, staring at the periodic table and trying to care about halogen gases, when there was a knock on the classroom door. Aidan appeared. Every girl sat up in her seat instantly, me included. Even Miss Matthews looked a bit flushed at the sight of him.

  “Hi,” Aidan said to our teacher. “I’ve been moved into this set, but I forgot and accidentally went to my old class instead.”

  Every girl in the room giggled, batting their eyelashes and flicking their hair around like hippos batting off flies with their tails. Aidan Chambers looked particularly gorgeous that day – with a new cropped haircut and a stripy scarf.

  Miss Matthews nodded. “Right, OK,” she said. “Well, we’re halfway into our lesson now. So just take a seat and try to keep up, and we can talk at the end about what you might need to catch up on.”

  My heart fell out of my mouth the moment I realised this meant Aidan was about to come and sit next to me. Me! ME? I had the only available space. Oh God. Why hadn’t I washed my hair that morning? Why had I drawn weird vines all over my hands in biro during Geography earlier? Did I smell? What if I smelled? How could I check I didn’t smell without him noticing? I was just shoving my hand up my jumper to swipe under my armpits to smell my hand, when Aidan appeared at my side.

  “Hi,” he whispered, grinning. “Can I sit here?”

  I still had my hand inside my jumper. We were sharing our first words with my hand shoved in my armpit. I couldn’t talk. My tongue wouldn’t work. I tried to open my mouth to say something normal and simple and appropriate like “of course”. But all I could manage was this small squeak and shrug.

  Aidan slid in next to me and started rummaging in his backpack for his book. I snuck a look at him and, oh my, he was
so beautiful.

  He sat upright and looked at me.

  “You OK?” Aidan asked.

  I nodded again. My hand was still in my armpit.

  “I’m Aidan by the way.”

  I know that, I KNOW THAT, I thought. I know your surname and your star sign and how compatible it is with my star sign. Very, since you’re asking. I know that you have a younger sister in Year Seven. I know that you had your hair cut over half term. I know that you’re left‑handed.

  “Oh, hi, I’m Sophia.”

  It was a miracle that I was able to get those words out.

  “Cool. Nice to meet you,” he whispered, smiling.

  It had happened. It had finally happened. Aidan Chambers knew I existed. Level unlocked.

  “Oh, yeah, nice to meet you too.”

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Back at the sleepover, we are finally ready to cast some serious spells. Alexis has wolfed down most of the pizza. We’ve all applied appropriate amounts of eyeliner and promised not to set each other off crying any more.

  “Has everyone gone to the toilet?” Mia asks. “I don’t want our magic circle interrupted by one of you needing a wee.”

  “We can’t go for a wee if we need one?” Alexis asks.

  Mia shakes her head. “No.”

  “What madness is this?”

  “It’s MAGIC – we need to concentrate.”

  I put my hand up. “Yes, Sophia?” Mia says, like she’s a teacher calling on me in class.

  “Umm, well, I didn’t need a wee, but now I do because you’ve made me think about it.”

  “Me too,” Alexis says.

  Mia throws her head back. “For God’s sake, by the time you two are finally ready, the Super Blood Wolf Moon will be over already.”

  “So are we allowed to go for a wee?” Alexis asks.

  “If you must.”

  I check my phone as I lean on the wall outside the bathroom, waiting for Alexis to wee first. Aidan Chambers hasn’t messaged. Not since the last time I checked, which was ten minutes ago, while the other two were busy sorting through Mia’s ingredients. And he hadn’t messaged the time I checked five minutes before that, when I was clearing up the pizza crusts from the carpet. In fact, despite my determined checking, Aidan has not messaged me in two whole weeks.

  I close my eyes and make myself concentrate.

  Message me, message me, message me, I command the universe. I picture Aidan at Lucy’s party tonight. I know he is there, because I checked his profile at least twelve times today. I picture Aidan feeling sad at the party, like something is missing, but it takes him a while to figure out what. I picture him laughing with his friends but then staring into space, sadly, and realising he misses me. I picture him standing up and telling his friends to wait a minute, and then going out into the cold garden. I picture him writing me a message – because he has to let me know right away what a mistake he has made.

  Message me, message me, message me.

  The toilet flushes; the door opens. Alexis comes out holding her stomach.

  “It’s all yours,” she says, and stands to one side so I can get past. “Why did you let me eat all that pizza?” she groans. “I’m going to be digesting it for the rest of my life.”

  I leave my phone on the bannister when I go to wee, but it has no messages on it. My visualisation didn’t work. I need to cast this spell. It’s the only chance I have left.

  CHAPTER SIX

  When I return to my bedroom, it’s transformed into some kind of Halloween haunted house. Mia’s been busy while we were peeing. There are candles everywhere, lit and flickering, and Mia’s sitting in a giant circle she’s made out of tealights. She’s using a compass app on her phone so we can see where north, south, east and west are. She’s switched off all my lights and it’s black and pretty spooky and witchy.

  “Are you ready?” Mia asks as I stop in shock in the doorway. She sees my phone clutched in my hand and adds, “Phone off.”

  “But yours is still on,” I object.

  “Only because we need to know where north is. It’s on do not disturb.”

  Alexis holds both palms up and shrugs at me. “She’s made me put mine in my bag.”

  I mime switching mine off, not wanting to start another argument. But there’s no way I’m actually turning it off, not when Aidan could ring to declare his undying love at any moment.

  “Thank you,” Mia says. “Now, sit down and let’s form the circle.”

  I fold my legs under myself and join them on the carpet, then absent‑mindedly reach out to hold my finger in a candle flame for a second.

  I hope this works.

  “Right, we all need to hold hands in order to cast a circle,” Mia instructs us.

  “Why do we need to cast a circle?” Alexis asks.

  “It makes the magic stronger.”

  “Okey dokey,” I say, and hold out my palms. I really want to giggle and I can tell Alexis does too.

  “Eww, Lexi, your hands are all sticky from pizza,” I say.

  “Sorry. I washed them in the loo but then I found a leftover slice. Hang on.” She rubs them on her lacy outfit. “That better?”

  I wrinkle my nose. “Sort of.”

  Mia eyeballs both of us. “Are you two done already?”

  We nod and clasp our hands tighter to hold in our laughter.

  “Right, so there are four elements but only three of us,” Mia says, “so I don’t mind being two elements. Which element do you want to be?”

  “Umm, what’s an element again?” Alexis asks, while Mia rolls her eyes. God, she really is in a cranky mood tonight.

  “Earth, fire, water and air.”

  “Oh, right, cool,” Alexis says. “Can I be fire?”

  I feel my stomach twist, as I kind of wanted to be fire.

  “Yep, of course. Sophia? What element do you want?”

  It’s not a question I’m used to being asked and I struggle as I consider them in my head. I’m trying to figure out which element feels most “me”, besides fire. Not earth, I don’t think. I don’t like getting dirty. Maybe air? I do like it when it’s proper windy outside. I always go out and stand in it and have deep and meaningful thoughts.

  “Air,” I say.

  “Right, that makes me earth and water. They’re a bit conflicting, but I’m sure it won’t damage the spell too much.” Mia reaches into her bag and hands two items over to us. Alexis gets a match and I get a really gross feather that looks like it fell out of a dying pigeon.

  “Umm, thanks for the present?” I say, deadpan.

  “It’s a representation of your element,” Mia explains, pulling out a lump of moss and a travel bottle of Evian. “Right, I’ll say some stuff and you have to repeat it after me and then put your element down in front of you to form a circle. Ready?”

  “Ready,” we chorus.

  Mia closes her eyes, and Alexis and I look at each other to check if we need to copy her.

  “Close your eyes,” Mia instructs.

  We do, but we both start giggling.

  “Stop laughing,” Mia snaps.

  “Sorry,” I say, still laughing.

  We giggle ourselves out, but it takes a good few minutes and another telling‑off from Mia. “Why aren’t you taking this seriously? Sophia, tonight was YOUR idea.”

  “I know, I know …” I start laughing again. “I’ve just got the giggles, that’s all.”

  “You have to take it seriously. Intention is really important in magic.”

  The thought that I could ruin my spell calms me down. We eventually settle and hold hands again, close our eyes again. I let myself sink into the darkness. This could work, I tell myself. Then Aidan will be mine again and my heart won’t constantly hurt any more – the anguish and pain and longing and feeling like nobody ever wants me will be gone.

  Mia starts talking in this really loud, spooky voice. “Spirits of Mother Nature, I call on you,” she booms out. “We ask that you keep everyone in this circle
safe. Spirits of earth, I call on you.” There’s a big silence, then Mia says, “Sophia, you’re next. Air is east on the compass.”

  “Oh, right,” I say, with my eyes still closed. “Umm. Spirits of air, I call on thee,” I say.

  “Why did you just say thee?” Alexis asks, cracking up. “You sound like a witch from Macbeth!”

  “I dunno,” I say. “It felt right. Anyway, I call on YOU,” I correct myself. I feel around for the grubby dead pigeon feather and chuck it in front of me.

  “Lex, it’s you,” Mia says.

  “OK, cool. Spirits of fire, I call on you.”

  “Spirits of water, I call on you,” Mia finishes. “Mother Nature, we have called upon your elements and we ask you to guide us and help our intentions come true. Again, please keep everyone in this circle safe …”

  That’s the moment it stops being funny. I suddenly feel my skin burst into prickles of goosebumps and every hair on the back of my neck stands up. Alexis freezes next to me and I sense she’s feeling it too.

  “And that’s it,” Mia says. “The circle has been formed. Now it’s time to cast our spells.”

  And, if it’s possible, my goosebumps get even bumpier.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  It’s crazy how goosebumpy your skin can get even under the heat of two dozen Bunsen burner flames.

  “Do you mind measuring out twenty thingies of hydrogen peroxide into this beaker?” Aidan asked, a week after joining my class.

  “Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha nooooo, of course not,” I replied. I don’t know why I was laughing hysterically, but I was.

  Aidan somehow seemed to find my uncontrollable giggles endearing. “You’re cute,” he stated, just like that, and I’m not sure how I managed to not drop the beaker full of hydrogen peroxide onto the floor.

  “Thanks. You’re cute too,” I said automatically.

  That’s when I did drop the beaker. It smashed everywhere, loudly, with liquid and glass splashing the ground. The class stopped, stared and laughed.