I wonder if there will be any of the girl I used to be left after all this is said and done.
That Dane thinks I’m a bad influence, and I’m purposely concealing stuff, isn’t sitting right with me either. I know we’ve only “known” each other for a few weeks, but it’s not like that at all. Because of our bond, it’s as if we’ve known each other for years. At least, that’s the way it seems to me. The level of comfort I have with these guys is on par with Jensen and Kylie, and I’ve grown up alongside them.
So, Dane’s assertion hurts, probably more than it should.
“Hey.” Coop reaches over, touching my cheek. “Don’t read too much into what Dane said.”
I scowl at him. “Are you sure you can’t read my mind?”
He smiles. “I wish I could, but I can’t.”
“Then how do you always seem to know what I’m thinking?”
“It’s intuitive.” He shrugs, navigating out of the lane and turning on to the dark, main road. “We’re connected at a soul-deep level. We get each other, and that’s the way it should be.”
“Not according to Dane.” I hug my knees tighter to my chest. “According to him, I’m nothing more than a nuisance. An inconvenience. Someone who is messing with your team.”
Cooper sighs. “I might have to kick his ass all over again when I get home.”
“Please don’t.” I beseech him with my eyes. “That’s only giving credence to his argument that I’m coming between you all. He thinks I’m a negative influence.”
Cooper pulls off to the hard shoulder, putting the car in neutral and engaging the brake. Twisting in his seat, he takes my hands in his, piercing me with an earnest look. “Dane likes everything to fit in a box. It’s easier for him to strategize when everything has a place, when we all have a role to play. You’ve changed up our dynamic, but in a good way.” He cups my face. “Your presence in our lives has grounded us in so many ways. Beck is coming out of his shell, Maddox is more centered than I’ve seen him in years, and I haven’t looked at another girl from the minute I met you.”
I quirk a brow at that.
“I might have had a wandering eye,” he admits. “And wandering hands.” There’s no denying the naughty glint in his gaze. “But I’m one hundred percent focused since you came on the scene. You’re all I see, and, by default, that means I’ve never been more diligent and focused on our goal. Keeping you safe and cared for is my primary concern. Dane knows this too, but he’s struggling to accept the change. We’ve all had to adapt, but it’s hardest for him because he’s used to being in charge, and he understands that’s going to change. Try not to take it too personally. He’ll come around.”
He peers into my eyes, reaching up to caress my cheek. His touch is feather-soft, and the adoring look on his face is hard to ignore. My heart starts beating wildly in my chest, and I curl my hand around his arm, tracing my fingers over the intricate tattoo on his skin, while butterflies swarm my belly. We’re scarcely touching, but at this proximity, it’s intimate and intense, and I crave more. The connection purrs, silently urging us to give in to our feelings.
“Hmm.” He closes his eyes, continuing to touch my face with his delicate fingers, while murmuring in a low voice. Electricity crackles in the air. He opens his eyes, and the depth of longing in his gaze twists my stomach into knots. Slowly, he leans toward me, and it’s as if time has stopped. Nothing else exists in this moment but Cooper and the lustful way he’s looking at me. His eyes focus on my mouth, and he does nothing to hide his intention. Every inch of my body is potently aware of him, straining toward him with the same needy desire. I gulp over the panic rising in my throat. I’m torn to shreds on the inside, warring with conflicting emotions. I want to kiss him so badly right now, but I can’t do that to Jensen.
I won’t do that to Jensen.
I twist my head at the last second, and his lips land on my cheek. Heat floods my face. “I can’t do this now,” I whisper without looking at him.
“Hey.” His voice is soft as he gently turns my face around. “I understand, and I’m sorry. I don’t mean to push you, but I’m crazy about you, Tori, and it’s getting harder and harder to be around you and not act on the craving for more, but I’ll make more of an effort.”
I bite down on my lower lip before replying. “Thank you.” I want to tell him I understand, and I’m feeling it too, but that would be another betrayal of Jensen, and he doesn’t deserve that. Neither of them do.
Coop cranks the engine, and I hate that tension lingers in the air. With his hands on the wheel, he turns to me one last time. “I want you to know we want you here. And it’s more than the bond or the attraction between us. It goes way deeper than that. Don’t let Dane’s words tonight fool you into thinking you’re a problem, or that we don’t want or need you, because we do. You’re the center of our universe, Tori. Don’t ever forget that.”
He has no idea how much his words mean to me. How much I needed to hear that right now and how much I appreciate his efforts to eradicate any tension between us. I lean over, kissing him on the cheek. “That was pretty perfect, Coop, and I’m so grateful to have you on my side.” I brush my lips across his cheek one final time before settling back in my seat.
He flashes me a proud smile as he maneuvers the car back out onto the road. “You’re pretty damn perfect yourself, Tori, and I’m honored to be on your side.”
We don’t talk anymore after that, but it’s not awkward. Coop’s words have helped ease some of the tightness in my chest, helped smooth the rough edges off Dane’s harsh words.
At the house, he gets out, running around to my side and opening the door for me. I circle my arms around his neck, hugging him fiercely, not wanting to let him go but pushing him away at the same time. I know he wants to cover protector duty tonight, but I won’t be able to switch off with him in my room, the strength of our attraction is too powerful, so I force him to go home, much to his disgust.
Beck arrives a short while later while I’m tossing and turning in bed. My parents would freak if they knew the guys slept in here most nights. He has the camp bed assembled in the blink of an eye, and now he’s stretched out upon it, grinning at the amazed look on my face. No matter how much I’m around them, I’m still awestruck by the things they can do. “Night, Tori.”
“Night, Beck.”
Another couple of days pass by. Jensen and I are still like passing ships in the night, and I’m trying to pluck up the courage to formally end things, but it’s not easy, because it’s more than just breaking up with a guy. Jensen has been at the center of everything for so long, and I’m scared to face the future without him. Doing this will hurt me as much as him, and I’m not sure I’m ready to accept the pain, to accept my new future and everything that tomorrow might bring.
Most days I’m too busy to contemplate everything, but, in the few silent moments before I fall asleep at night, I’m consumed with anxiety over my new reality. I’m trying to hide those sentiments from the guys, because I don’t want them to worry about me and I don’t want to feel like a burden, but the truth of who I am still hasn’t fully settled in, and I’m prone to rare moments of sheer, undiluted panic. What if I’m incapable of controlling my gift? The things the guys can do are incredible, and I worry I’ll never be able to keep up. Being their equal is important to me. I don’t want them to feel they have to carry me or shoulder all the responsibility. I want to play my part, and I’m impatient to catch up, and that only adds to my confusion and my anxiety.
But freaking out won’t achieve anything except rattling my confidence and delaying my progress, so I try to contain the paranoia and the fear, to focus on practical things and push myself as hard as I can so at least I can’t fault my effort.
Dane has avoided me since our showdown, and that suits me just fine. I’m still fuming with him, and my blood boils every time I think of it. I adhere to my schedule, grateful I don’t have any sessions with him until next week.
I wake wi
th a heavy heart on Thursday, knowing I can’t put this off any longer. I tap out a quick message to Jensen, and he replies straightaway, offering to drive me to school for the first time in weeks. I decline. Whomever stays over the previous night usually drives me to school that day. Unless it was Dane’s turn to take the night watch. He’s the only one who guards me from outside, and he’s always gone by the time I wake. He sends one of the others to pick me up on those days.
The school day drags by at a snail’s pace, only adding to my torment. Now that I’ve finally summoned the strength to do this, I just want to get it over and done with. Knots take up permanent residence in my stomach, and I barely manage more than a few mouthfuls of food all day.
The boys notice.
Naturally.
“What’s wrong?” Coop asks, sliding into the desk in front of me. It’s the last class of the day and my nerves are hanging by a thread at this stage. He puts his face in mine. “Talk to me, beautiful.”
“I’m meeting Jensen after school.” My glum tone and expression says what I don’t want to say out loud.
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly, and I know he means it.
Jensen wants to go to the barn, but it holds too many memories for me. Times that were happy times are too painful to think about now. I contemplate how it was only a few weeks ago I was shopping for a dress for Winter Formal, without a worry in the world. Now I couldn’t care less about the damn dance.
I’m about to break my heart and his, and I don’t know how to reconcile it within myself.
I’ve loved Jensen for years, and there was never any doubt that he was my future, and it seems as if everything has altered way too fast, but I can’t wear a “woe is me” hat, because I need to act selfless, to do what’s best for him. And isn’t that what love’s about? Making sacrifices for the one you love?
I have to protect him.
I need to keep him safe.
And that means keeping him as far away from me as possible.
Besides that, it’s clear there could be no future for us anymore. Not now I know who I am and what my future entails.
It would never have worked out between us long-term.
So, making a clean break is best for everyone.
I had thought of taking the chicken’s way out—of asking Dane to do a full mind erase, but I can’t do that to Jensen. It’s too much of a violation. I’m hoping that Jensen will drop his suspicion once we’re no longer together and that he’ll move on. It hurts to acknowledge that, but I want him to be happy. No one deserves it more.
After dropping his car off, I meet him, by prearrangement, under the old tree in the top field. The swing from our childhood is still tied to the tree, the small worn wooden seat moving by itself in the swift breeze. We spent countless summers playing in this field as kids, taking turns pushing each other on the swing and playing hide and seek in the long grass.
A sharp pain stabs me through the heart, and I wish I didn’t have to do this.
But wishful thinking won’t keep Jensen safe.
“Hey.” He drops down beside me, resting his back against the trunk of the tree. Our arms brush, and he automatically threads his fingers through mine. His touch is both comforting and alienating at the same time, perfectly demonstrating just how much has changed in a few short weeks.
I turn and face him with tears in my eyes. “I love you, Jensen. I always have, and I always will, but I can’t be with you anymore.”
Shock splays across his face, and my chest tightens with pain. “You’re breaking up with me?” I nod, tears spilling down my face. “Why? I mean, I know we haven’t been talking, but that doesn’t mean you need to end things. We’ll get past this.”
“It doesn’t matter. This is the way it has to be.”
“If you’re telling me the truth, if you truly love me, why are you leaving me?”
I swipe my tears away, bolstering my courage. “Because I don’t love you in the same way, in the right way. I’m not in love with you anymore.”
“I don’t believe you.” His tone is gruff. “We have everything all planned, Tori. I don’t get how that’s changed so fast.”
“I can’t explain why my feelings have changed, just that they have, and I can’t go around pretending anymore. I can’t be your girlfriend. It’s not going to work.”
My heart is being shredded in my chest, but I don’t cry. The time for tears is over. The best thing I can do for him right now is to act impersonal, so he believes it.
“Are you in love with one of them?” Bitterness laces his tone. “Which one is it?”
“I haven’t cheated on you, Jensen, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“You haven’t answered my question.”
“This decision is nothing to do with them,” I lie, hating myself for it even if it’s necessary.
He climbs to his feet. “You always were a lousy liar, but then you had such little reason to lie. Lately, it seems like all you’re doing is lying.”
“I’m sorry, Jensen. Really, I am.”
“I am too.” He folds his arms over his chest as he levels a hurt look at me. “I love you, Tori. Truly, madly, deeply love you. No other guy will ever love you as much as I do, and I’m not buying this.” He takes two steps back. “I can’t force you to stay with me, but I know something else is going on here, and I’m not giving up until I find out what it is.”
“Jensen, please.” I stand up. “Don’t make this any harder than it has to be. Just let it go.”
“If you think I’m walking away without a fight, you don’t know me as well as you think you do. I’ve no choice but to accept this for now, but I’m going to get to the bottom of this. At least one of us has to fight to save what we have.”
Chapter 35
Jensen’s words are still reverberating in my mind a week later, and my heartache hasn’t lessened in the slightest. I’m getting up every day, going to school, attending practice, and spending my evenings and nights with the guys, but I’m like a zombie as I go about my business. I throw myself into every activity, desperate to keep my mind occupied, but letting Jensen go is akin to letting half of myself go.
Kylie is trying her best to pull me out of my depressive state, offering words of reassurance, and she stayed over at my house Saturday night, and we stayed up until the early hours watching weepy romantic movies, crying into our popcorn.
Dane and I are bickering constantly over the memory erase serum. I want to wait, to see if it’s necessary, because messing with someone’s mind isn’t something I take lightly. Now that Jensen and I are no longer together, I’m not sure it’s even needed. His fighting words at the field seem to be just words, because he has avoided me like the plague since. Can’t say I blame him, and it’s really for the best, but it hurts all the same. I’m glad he appears to be accepting this, but I’m fearful we won’t even be able to salvage a friendship from the wreckage by the time all is said and done.
Kenzie was furious with me, and I don’t really understand why. It’s not as if I broke up with her, but things have been strained between us these last few weeks, so I can’t say I’m overly surprised that she’s defected to the guys’ table. Now it’s just me, Zara, and Kylie at lunch. I’m forced to watch from afar as Kenzie flirts relentlessly with Jensen, and I’m shocked she didn’t wait before hitting on him. I’ve always thought she had a bit of a thing for him, and it’s clear she’s going all out to get her guy, but I thought we were friends, and friends don’t move in for the kill that fast.
I know it seems hypocritical, and maybe I should just get over it, but it hurts that someone I called a friend would have such little regard for my feelings.
Zara is ready to gouge Kenzie’s eyeballs out for her blatant disloyalty, and I spend most of each lunch break talking her off a ledge. According to Zara, Kenzie has also been trying to cozy up to the Roth brothers when my back’s been turned. Apparently, when I left her party to go after Jack, Kenzie made a beeline for Cooper and was f
awning all over him. None of the guys have mentioned it, which shows how trivial it was to them.
Kylie reassures me in our alone time that I’m doing the right thing. That I had no choice, and if Jensen knew what was at stake, and what I’d sacrificed to keep him safe, he would understand. I’m not sure he would, but I’m touched at Kylie’s constant support. Her unfailing trust and loyalty means more than I can describe.
But Dane doesn’t think it’s enough, which is why I presently find myself locked in another battle of wills with him. We’re back at the house, and instead of my scheduled session with Beck, I’m in Dane’s office trying to hold onto the last shred of my sanity. We’ve been going around and around in circles over the whole Kylie and Jensen situation.
“You’re being selfish and only thinking of yourself. You need to put aside your feelings, and think of what’s best for your friends,” he says.
“And you’re being stubborn and callous! I am thinking of my friends. I don’t want to interfere with their minds unless it’s absolutely necessary. Unless there is no other way.”
He thumps his fist on top of his desk. “Damn it, Tori. There isn’t any other way, and I don’t understand why you’re getting so worked up over this. Kenzie and Zara were both fine after we administered the memory erase, so you’re getting your panties in a bunch for nothing.”
“Don’t remind me,” I fume. “That was a total invasion of their privacy.”
Dane snorts. “You’re unreal. You should be thanking me for fixing your mess!” He leans his butt against the edge of the desk, crossing his feet at the ankles. “You’d better get used to it, because this is what we do. We take whatever action is necessary to contain the risk. You need to get over yourself, sweetheart, and just get with the program. And don’t forget you were the one who came to me about this in the first place.”
The Lost Savior Page 27