by Harloe Rae
I hunch lower in the seat and roll my eyes. “Fine, I’ll just sit idly by and wait for my boyfriend to get magically released.”
Jace snorts over a laugh. “And I almost believe you. Listen, I’m going to trap that bastard in his lie. He’s bound to squeal at some point, right?”
“Who knows how long that could take. Grady might be serving a twelve-month sentence by then.”
“It would be a lot easier to wring Lance’s neck until he spills the truth. But we know how that’ll end.”
“Unfortunately. Please don’t get yourself arrested. I can’t fight this without you.”
He ruffles my hair. “Likewise, Sutt. Let’s leave physical violence out of the equation. When can you visit Grady again? We need to get his full story.”
Ash forms on my tongue. “Next Sunday.”
My brother whistles. “Damn, that’s ruthless. He only gets to see you once a week?”
“Don’t remind me.”
We settle into a beat of silence and a blanket of numb envelops me. I welcome the reprieve for a few moments. It doesn’t last more than a handful of seconds. Thankfully I’m distracted by a flurry of movement in front of us.
Bear scampers across the yard, probably chasing a stray cat. It’s good to see him running around instead of staring down the empty driveway, waiting for his best friend to come home. I brought him along so he wasn’t alone. He makes me feel like a piece of Grady is with us.
“He’s a really great dog.” Jace leans forward and calls to him. Bear bounds over with a trail of drool dangling from his mouth. I cringe and cross my fingers that the slobber disappears. My brother doesn’t seem to mind, scratching under his jaw and ears. Bear shuffles closer and practically climbs into his lap.
Jace chuckles. “Grady isn’t the only one you’re changing.”
“What do you mean?”
“This pooch had a serious vendetta against me. He’s never been my biggest fan, but you’re softening him up.”
A twinge of glee tickles my gut. “That’s a nice sentiment. Pretty sure he’s just lonely.”
“Nah, he’s becoming a lover. Just like his owner.”
I fan at my eyes, refusing to cry for a third time. “Dammit, Jace. Stop being so sweet.”
“Quit being so emotional,” he shoots back.
“I have a decent excuse.”
“Yeah, you’re off the hook. Sob away. I’ll loan you my shoulder.” He continues petting Bear, who rolls over and offers his belly for a rub. My brother doesn’t hesitate and lavishes the dog with attention. We’re all a bunch of blubbering softies.
And on that note.
I reach for my favorite uplifting romance that’s reliably waiting on an end table. Best Laid Plans by LK Farlow always hits me right in the feels. Even on my lowest days, I can count on her words to bring me back to the surface. Maybe getting lost in the pages will help me figure out a stellar plan of my own.
Lord only knows what kind of miracle we need to get Grady out of this mess.
Happy something #97: Waking up with the sunshine warming my face.
I pace the short length of my cell, a caged lion preparing for an attack. Seconds bleed into minutes with the pounding of my shoes. Only silence greets me. Slapping footsteps along the linoleum hall never come. Doors remain firmly locked. No one travels in or out of this wing. The guards are avoiding me on purpose. Their new game is to keep me waiting until I snap. That fragile hold I maintain on my control is beginning to fray.
The forced isolation is getting to me, chipping away at my sanity. I can’t fucking handle this version of persecution. Keeping my wrists cuffed for over twelve hours was only the beginning. The skin is still raw days later, but I barely notice. Not while they ramp up the cruelty when I refuse to bend. I’m not a docile inmate they can boss around. That doesn’t stop them from trying.
Life wasn’t supposed to smash against rock bottom after Sutton returned from college. We were doing everything right, and finally starting our forever together. But she’s being kept away from me on purpose. It’s not too shocking considering the shit I’m always being dealt. I’m capable of handling their hate. Dragging Sutton into the depths of hell is what fractures the reconstructed fissures in my heart.
I’ve never needed a happy something more than this moment. She graciously penned me one, but these bastards are still holding it as ransom for my soul. The guards must take courses on doling out torture in its most wicked form.
They’ve already taunted me this morning. Grousse—the worst of them all—waved my salvation in front of the window as he strolled by. My name printed in her neat script was barely legible through the grimy glass. All I’m able to imagine is their greasy fingerprints tainting her pristine intentions. I’d felt the shift inside of me. They stole another piece of my soul. My spirit is tainted. My ego is battered. I’m whipped and beaten, but not broken. There’s still some pride left in me. The black abyss is beckoning me in with open arms. My defenses are splintering further with every nasty word spat at me.
It’s been three damn days. Seventy-two hours they’ve held her words from me. They’ve tried to make me surrender. The letter is a reward only a trained puppet shall receive. But those pages belong to me. Sutton is mine, dammit.
I’m almost convinced my ears are playing tricks when a low whistle kicks up beyond my walls. The shallow clip of steel-toed boots soon follows. In the next instant, I’m at the door with my palms pressed flat against the metal. My desperation is pitiful, but I could give half a shit. Let them laugh at my barking demands. It won’t change the outcome. That doesn’t stop me from trying.
When Matthews comes into view, I almost crash to my knees. He’s my best chance. “Hey, Lush.”
His feet stumble to a halt. He pins me with a glare. “You know better than to use that nickname.”
I swallow a humble dose of defeat and try again. “Sorry, C.O. My bad.”
Matthews turns to face me straight on. “That’s more like it. How's the afternoon treating you?”
Good to know it’s past lunch. They haven’t given me anything to eat since that moldy bagel earlier. “Like shit. Haven’t seen the sun in over a week.”
His expression remains flat. “Should’ve thought things through before breaking the law.”
I snap my fingers. “Aww, shucks. Guess it sucks to be me since I’m innocent.”
Matthews cocks his head back and belts out a hoot. “Yeah, haven’t heard that a time or two. Oh, wait. I have. You and every other con on this block babble the same bullshit. Save it, Bowen.”
“I don’t fucking belong here,” I spit against the scratched window between us.
“You think being holed up at county is bad? Just wait until you’re shipped off to state. Then you’ll be wishing things were different.”
Was he for real right now? None of this was okay. I’m falsely accused of bogus charges. “They have no evidence,” I argue.
He salutes at me. “Keep telling yourself that. There’s no disputing your crime. Take a plea. Serve your time. Walk away a free man.”
As if it’s that easy. I grunt, done with this pointless conversation. “You have something for me?”
He makes a show of patting his pockets. “Nope. Grousse is still whacking off to your girl’s dirty mouth. She’s a keeper, Bowen.”
A prisoner isn’t afforded privacy. There’s no such thing as violating my rights because I don’t have any. Even the most basic and bare have been stripped from me. I didn’t do a damn thing wrong. There was no crime committed to land my ass in here. Not by my hand, at least. It would be easy to lose my shit and go nuclear. But it won’t change my fate. I won’t stoop to their level.
I grind my molars until a filling threatens to crack. “Give me my damn letter.”
He chokes out a laugh. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me.”
“Wanna spend a night in solitary, inmate?”
His threat of the SHU doesn’t scare me. Anyone else t
ouching Sutton’s words is enough to release a savage beast inside of me. But ripping his throat out won’t grant me any favors. I choose to stay silent.
He raises a brow at me. “Good choice. Being a nasty fuck to the guards in this joint won’t grant you any favors.”
I sneer at him. “What the fuck does it matter? I’m already considered guilty before my trial has been set.”
“You wanna be locked up longer? Fine, be my guest. Cock off to whoever the hell you want.”
Was he helping me? Or setting a trap? I couldn’t be too sure anymore. My head has been in a fog since Lance cornered me and punched himself. I’m snapped out of it by the sweetest sound this place offers.
That creaking slide of metal usually signals chow time. I couldn’t care less about food. Pavlov and his dog would be salivating. He tosses my lifeline through the narrow slot. “It’s your lucky day, inmate. Turns out someone on the outside is pulling strings for your ass. The warden gave us strict instructions to quit dicking you around.”
I snag the envelope before it drops to the filthy floor. The seal has been torn open, but that doesn’t surprise me. I doubt any mail passes through here without a thorough inspection.
“You’re welcome,” he mutters.
All I offer him is a flick of my injured wrist. His poison can’t touch me now. It’s not like he gained a sudden soft spot and decided to throw me a bone. He can piss off. After a couple of colorful curses, Matthews leaves me alone.
I trace my name in Sutton’s bold writing, getting a direct hit of warmth injected into my veins. The urgency to be near her trembles my fingers. I almost rip the thin sheets in my haste. A burst of sweet summer flowers and a mixture of my favorite fruits waft off the paper. I almost groan while burying my nose in the open pages. Damn, I miss her.
A pang reverberates across my ribs with a shallow breath. She scrawled my name in a ridiculous loopy style along the top. The sight makes me grin. My girl put some effort into this note. I enjoy another deep inhale and let her voice play in my head.
Hey, Gray.
I wish my first officially delivered love letter to you arrived under different circumstances. Yeah, that’s right. There’s been at least a hundred scribbled confessions of my undying devotion prior to this. I think they’re all stored in a box at my parents’ place if you’re ever interested. I was too chicken to admit that until now. No more secrets. I’ve always been crazy in love with you, Grady Bowen.
But I digress.
Remember when we first met? I’ll never forget a single second of that night. You looked so lost and sad. All I wanted was to hug you. That’s all I want to do now, Gray. I want to wrap my arms around you and say everything will be okay. It has to be. I refuse to believe otherwise.
I’d love to wave a magic wand and make all of this disappear. You could never do what they’re accusing you of. It isn’t fair that you’re paying a price for nothing. I guess life isn’t really fair. All of the hardships you’ve faced are proof of that. I’d take it all away for you. That could be one of my greatest wishes. You could live a life full of flowers and rainbows and peace without an ounce of suffering. Can you imagine the beauty?
Maybe we wouldn’t have crossed paths then. You wouldn’t have needed me, or my family. I guess we weren’t meant to have it so simple.
I can only hope you aren’t being treated poorly. But it’s jail. How good can I expect it to be? Should I assume the worst? That hurts my soul. I can’t picture you behind bars. Let’s pretend you’re lying next to me, okay? Close your eyes right now and reach for me across the mattress. Do you feel me?
I wish that were real.
I’m missing you like crazy.
Oh, Gray. You’ve saved me so many times. I need to do the same for you. Think of our happy somethings. That first one all those years ago. We were going to count stars until falling asleep and dreaming of flying. You always soar, Grady. And that’s not all. I’ve been spreading dandelion seeds with so many wishes. My dad is going to be so mad next year when a fresh round of weeds sprout up. I’ve lost count of how many. And I’m far from done because you know what? We’re only just beginning. Our hope and love will be blanketing the meadow more than ever.
I’m trying to stay positive. I’m still trying to figure out how this happened. You must feel so betrayed. It’s hard to imagine someone being so vindictive. Maybe it’s better that I don’t.
This won’t beat you, Gray. Don't let them shove you down. Keep your head up. I'm in your heart and mind, baby. Don't lose the light. The darkest days cannot keep us apart. Remember the love we create. Hold onto the warmth. Never lose sight of what’s just beyond reach.
I feel like I’ve just rambled on for three pages without any structure. But that’s my new normal. I’m wandering around without any sense of where to go. You’re my compass, a lighthouse in the dark sea, the only correct turn while speeding in the opposite direction. I truly am lost without you.
Come back to me, okay? In a day or two weeks or three months. Just please come back. I can’t smile without you. Breathing is a chore. Forget about sleeping. See? I’m a mess. But I’ll be strong for you. That’s a promise.
I love you, Grady Bowen.
I. Love. You.
Then, now, and tomorrow. Never without a moment.
Until I see you in my dreams.
XOXOXOXO
Sutt
P.S. This is a little something just between us. Use your imagination.
Her kiss is a bright red stamp in the bottom corner. The imprint is sticky to the touch. I can clearly picture her lips on mine. Just like her words are whispering in my ear. The second read through is better than the first. But after a third and fourth round, the darkness creeps into the edges of my vision. When will I see her again? It will be months before I can even hold her hand. The thought is enough to drown Sutton’s message down the drain.
I crumple onto the dingy floor, slamming my back against the wall. Tears erupt from the very depths of me. I can’t dredge up the sheer might to stop. Crying in jail is a death sentence, but I’m already dying.
Happy something #139: Dancing as if no one is watching.
I need to get out of Silo Springs for the night, or at least a few hours. Harlyn agreed to meet me at some sports pub off the freeway. Foster told us they have great burgers. I couldn’t care less about dinner. The escape is what I need. Almost an hour from home should do the trick.
That’s how I find myself pulling into Mad Jax on a Thursday night. The parking lot is mostly packed, but I find a spot in the middle row. I slink out of the low seater with a stretch. The long drive rammed a kink in the center of my neck. A quick roll of my shoulders alleviates a bit of the pinch.
The sun is just beginning to set, casting off shades of purple and pink across the sky. I strut across the pavement in my favorite wedge sandals. My simple tee and shorts will blend into any background. I’ll be another face in the crowd. Not the sad girl whose boyfriend got locked up. Tonight I can pretend everything is back to normal, especially with my bestie in tow.
I walk into the entrance with my chin tipped high. This will be a fun night out of the house. If I keep repeating that, maybe it will come true. I’m looking around for a place to sit when I hear him. My startled gaze snaps toward the muffled tone.
Lance Fucking Morris.
What the hell is he doing out here? And what are the damn chances? Pretty effing slim on a bad day. This must be the bottom of luck barrel. I drag in a slow breath, fried food and popcorn heavy in the air. Jace and Grady simultaneously scold me—in my mind.
Smart and safe.
I whip out my phone and search for other bars in the area. After a quick scan, I click on the closest one. Looks decent enough. I open my messages and get typing.
Me: Last second change of plans. Let’s meet at Hal’s off Exit 54.
I tap my shoe on the sticky floor while waiting for the three little dots to appear. Thirty seconds later and nothing. I belatedly realize sh
e’s probably well on her way. Calling her from the car will be far more effective.
I’m preparing to turn and leave, but Lance’s slurring words stop me in my tracks. The sight of him makes putrid acid roil in my belly. He’s propped up on a corner stool and appears seven sheets to the wind. No one else is sitting nearby. Even strangers can sniff out a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
He holds up a bottle, swinging the beer in a wide arc. “Sutton is meant for me. That girl might as well have my last name tattooed on her ass.” His shoulders shake with a silent laugh. “Wouldn’t that be a sight? I’d love to see the look on her precious boyfriend’s face. He’d deserve to witness that permanent display.”
My thoughts are a catastrophic hurricane swooping down to wreak havoc. I want to storm over and rain a wrath of fury upon him. But he seems to be brewing up his side of the travesty without my intervention.
Lance squints into the distance, or maybe he’s attempting to focus on something specific. It’s almost impossible to tell. “That asshole was supposed to skip town after his mother died. He hates Silo Springs and all the people in it. Well, almost everyone. I was certain he’d be long gone before she moved home. He could’ve avoided jail, but no.”
Who the hell is he talking to?
I inch toward a booth across from him, remaining hidden in the shadows. Lance doesn’t notice me in his inebriated state. I hunch low in the seat and settle in for his production.
He guzzles half his drink, not that he needs more booze. “I’d been planning it for a month. Just needed the right moment, you know? The opportunity fell right into my lap.”
Holy shit, he’s bragging. Is this actually happening? It might be worthless, but I’m not taking any chances.
I scramble to reach my phone. After opening the camera app, I set it to record. I hold the screen out and up until his sloppy face comes into view.
Lance burps and almost falls off his stool. “It's one of my best ideas yet. I watched him all night. The bastard barely left her side. But he finally did and I followed him into the alley.”