The Girl She Was

by Rebecca Freeborn

  ‘We can’t do this here, it’s too risky.’ He nodded towards the dark house. ‘And I’m pretty sure your friends are watching us through the curtains.’

  I tried to catch my breath, embarrassed by my impulsiveness. ‘I should probably go in.’

  ‘Yeah.’ He ran both hands through his hair. ‘And I’d better get back to my car. Hopefully I don’t run into anyone on the way, considering the state you’ve left me in.’ He pointed at his groin with a wry grin.

  ‘Sorry.’ I felt my face reddening and hoped it was too dark in the car for him to notice.

  ‘This is what you do to me, Layla. God, as soon as you mentioned last night I felt like I was going to explode.’

  ‘Sorry,’ I said again. ‘I’ll make it up to you, I promise.’

  He raised his eyebrows. ‘Oh yeah? Got any plans tomorrow night?’

  ‘Well no, but I’m working the morning shift tomorrow.’

  ‘I’ve got another idea. Meet me up at The Knob at ten thirty.’

  ‘I don’t know if I can get out that late …’ His face began to drop. ‘OK. OK, I’ll work something out. I’ll see you there.’

  ‘Great.’

  We both got out of the car. ‘Thanks for the lift.’

  ‘No problem.’ He raised a hand in farewell before walking away up the footpath. I lingered for a moment, watching him, then headed for Shona’s front door.

  NOW

  Jodie didn’t fade into the background like Layla had hoped. In fact, the calls started coming more frequently, and Layla worried that Cam would notice. She rejected each of the calls, and then the messages began again.

  I’m not going to let you get away with this.

  I want you to face up to what you did.

  You don’t deserve a nice, normal life after you ruined ours.

  Meet me for coffee or I’ll tell your husband what you did.

  Layla deleted the Messenger app off her phone, and for a few days, there was nothing. Then one night, they were sitting in front of the TV eating dinner after the kids were in bed. Layla got up to put their plates on the bench, and when she returned to the couch, Cam was looking at his phone and frowning.

  ‘What is it?’ she said.

  ‘I just got a friend request on Facebook from some random woman. Jodie Telford. It says on her profile that she’s from Glasswater Bay – isn’t that where you grew up?’

  Layla’s heart began to beat faster. ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Do you know her?’ He tilted the screen towards her.

  Layla pretended to study Jodie’s profile picture for a minute, everything inside her jangling in fear. ‘I’ve never seen her before. She must have moved there after I left.’

  ‘Huh. Weird. Guess I’ll just reject it, then?’

  Layla smiled so the scream couldn’t leap out. ‘Unless you want to be friends with a random woman from a country town? She looks a bit old for you though, honey.’

  Cam laughed then kissed her. ‘I’ve got everything I need right here.’

  When he withdrew, she pulled him back to her and kissed him again. She wanted to absorb him, exercise her claim over him, stamp a brand on him so no matter what Jodie did, she could never ruin what was between them.

  When Layla had first started seeing Cam, she’d known straightaway that he was different from the other men she’d been involved with. He’d asked her questions about herself, and actually listened to her answers rather than just waiting impatiently for his turn to speak. He’d been interested in knowing who she was. But the sex had been a surprise. She would never have guessed that this quiet, kind, unassuming man would be so proficient, so thorough in bed. After they’d spent weeks getting to know one another – the longest Layla had ever been with anyone before sleeping with them – the chemistry between them had been off the charts. And though time, and the advent of children, meant that sex had become far less frequent, their enthusiasm for one another had rarely wavered. And now, with the danger that Jodie represented still fresh in Layla’s mind, her anxiety channelled into desire, and she pulled him on top of her and kissed him harder.

  Cam looked down at her, eyes shining. ‘Well, I wasn’t expecting this.’

  ‘Are you complaining?’

  ‘Not on your life!’ His breath quickened as she pulled his shirt over his head and pushed her hips into his. ‘Should we go to the bedroom?’

  ‘No. I want you to go down on me.’

  ‘Here?’

  ‘Now. Please.’

  He gave her a crooked smile. ‘Yes, ma’am.’

  He dropped to his knees before her and removed her jeans, and Layla leant against the back of the couch with a sigh. When he was touching her, tasting her, bringing her to the brink with the patient, methodical skill that he’d perfected over the years, Layla was able to forget that all the lights were on in the living room, exposing the dimpled flesh of her hips and thighs. And when, at last, her body shook beneath his hands, she didn’t rush to cover up, but pulled him back to her, giving him everything she had.

  *

  Later, when they’d gone to bed and Cam’s breathing had deepened into sleep, Layla reinstalled Messenger. There was a new message from Jodie.

  I know where he works. Meet me or I’ll find another way to contact him.

  Layla’s breath was ragged. All the wild sex in the world wasn’t going to save her relationship if Cam found out about this from a stranger. She typed a response.

  One meeting, then it’s over. Then you leave me alone.

  *

  Cam’s face registered first surprise, then confusion when Layla told him she was going to Glasswater Bay on Sunday.

  ‘Why do you want to go back there? I thought you hated that place.’

  ‘I did. But my old school friend Renee wants to catch up. Do you remember Renee? She came to our wedding?’

  Cam squinted, as if trying to see into the past. ‘Vaguely. Red hair?’

  ‘That’s the one.’

  ‘I didn’t even know you were still friends with her. She seemed kind of distant at the wedding.’

  Layla’s heart quailed a little at the memory. Although Renee lived in Glasswater with her husband and her twin sons, she’d come alone to the wedding. They’d barely spoken, and she’d left early without even saying goodbye.

  ‘I’m not really. But she wanted to catch up for old time’s sake.’ Her skin crawled as she laid on the extra layer of lies. How many more layers would she have to add before this was over? The brief glimpse of Renee on New Year’s Eve had given her the idea for the perfect excuse to visit her old town. Then she could go back to her normal life and leave the past in the past, where it belonged.

  ‘Why don’t we all go for the drive? Make a day of it.’ Cam looked animated.

  Layla forced herself to sound calm even as her body buzzed with panic. ‘Nah, you’ll be bored out of your brains. There’s nothing to do there, and Renee and I will probably just end up walking around the town reminiscing about all the parties we got drunk at.’

  ‘That doesn’t matter,’ Cam said. ‘I’ll take the kids to the beach or something while you and Renee catch up. It’ll be nice to see where Mummy grew up, won’t it, kids?’

  Desperation rose in Layla’s throat. ‘Actually, I’d rather go by myself if that’s OK? I’m feeling a bit burnt out and I’d like a bit of time alone.’

  ‘Oh. OK, sure.’ Cam looked concerned. ‘What’s got you so burnt out?’

  She waved a hand in the air in a vague gesture. ‘Oh, nothing really. I just need some time to myself. You don’t mind, do you?’

  ‘Of course not.’ But there was a frown on his face as he turned away.

  THEN

  I agonised over what to wear to meet Scott at The Knob. He’d only ever really seen me in my school uniform or the black shirt I wore at the cafe. I wanted to be sexy for him, but there was nothing I felt sexy in. And anyway, I’d look ridiculous if I dressed up when we were probably just going to sit in the car in the dark and kiss. A
nd I didn’t want to send the wrong message … although to be honest, I wasn’t exactly sure what message I did want to send him. I’d told him last night that I’d make it up to him, for leaving him wanting like that, and I’d been keen at the time to take things further. But now, twenty-four hours later, not knowing what he was going to expect made me more anxious than ever.

  My stomach churned as I tried on outfits only to discard them on my bed. Too slutty. Too girlish. Too modest. Too fancy. Too casual.

  Finally, when it was 10.20, I threw on jeans and a T-shirt and grabbed my keys. He wanted to see me, not a different version of me. The only change I made was to brush out my long hair rather than tying it back in a ponytail or plaiting it like I usually did for school or work. Please don’t let him be disappointed, I thought as I said goodbye to my parents. Please don’t let him think I didn’t make an effort for him.

  ‘Tell Renee we said hello,’ Mum said when I passed her and Dad on the way out.

  ‘Feels like we never see her anymore,’ I heard Dad say.

  ‘She’s a teenager, that’s the way it works,’ came Mum’s voice as I closed the front door behind me.

  It was a cold night and I shivered as I got into my car and started the engine. I was so nervous I could hardly change the gears as I headed out of town and up the hill to the lookout. Part of me hoped there would be other cars parked there too, something that would prevent our rendezvous from happening, but the small car park was empty. The long grass in the moonlit expanse leading up to The Knob ruffled in the wind. I turned off the engine and stared back at the road, shivering both with cold and anticipation.

  My heart knocked painfully against my chest as a set of headlights wound their way up the road, and then Scott’s car turned into the car park and came to a stop at the other end. I got out of my car, arms crossed over my chest against the cold wind, and walked towards his car. Scott reached over and opened the passenger door.

  ‘Hi,’ I said as I slid in.

  He smiled. ‘It’s good to see you, Layla. I’ve been looking forward to this all day.’

  My chin quivered as I smiled back at him. ‘Me too.’

  He reached out and touched my hair. ‘You’re not scared, are you? I’m not going to push you into anything you don’t want to do.’

  But you already did, a voice whispered in my head. ‘I know,’ my real voice said.

  ‘I love your hair down like this.’ He twisted a lock of it around his finger. My scalp tingled as he moved his hand further into my hair. ‘Can you come closer?’

  I leant towards him and he kissed me, his tongue light against mine. I tried to relax, but I was so nervous that my feet were dancing over the floor of the car like a manic marionette. Slowly, he moved further over the console, reaching across me and lifting the lever beside the seat. The seat slammed down and suddenly I was lying on my back. I let out a shocked laugh.

  Scott smiled at me. ‘Sorry about that.’

  He clambered awkwardly over the console until he was suspended over me, his knees either side of mine. He gave a laugh. ‘It’s been a long time since I’ve done this.’

  ‘I’m not …’ I put a hand on his chest. ‘I’m not ready to have sex.’

  ‘I know.’ He caressed my face. ‘Tonight is for you, Layla. That’s the surprise. Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it.’

  I took in a ragged breath. ‘Can we just kiss for a while?’

  ‘Of course.’ He smoothed my hair back from my face. ‘I love kissing you.’

  He was gentle, undemanding. His weight gradually settled on me, bit by bit, his erection hard against my leg. My breathing became heavier as his hands moved over my body. When I opened my eyes for a second, I saw the car windows had fogged up from our breath, obscuring the outside world. His mouth moved down to my neck, biting lightly. It stung a little, but it felt good too, and my hips involuntarily rose to meet his. He moaned.

  ‘I want to make you come so hard,’ he murmured in my ear. ‘Tell me. Tell me what you want me to do.’

  ‘I … I don’t know,’ I stammered. ‘I don’t know what to do.’

  He raised his head. His eyes were heavy-lidded, as if he’d just woken up. ‘Do you trust me, Layla?’

  I nodded.

  He lifted up my T-shirt and I raised my head so he could slip it off, then he dropped his head to kiss my breasts. He reached behind me and unhooked my bra, and I let him pull it down over my arms. He tossed it on the driver’s seat and sat back to look at me. His gaze made me feel exposed and vulnerable, and I had to resist the urge to cover myself. ‘You have a beautiful body, Layla,’ he said.

  ‘Sorry they’re not very big.’ The words squeaked out of me before I could prevent them.

  ‘It’s only stupid schoolboys who are into big tits. You should see what Jodie’s look like now, all saggy and stretched.’ He shuddered. ‘This is what I’m into.’ He traced his finger down my chest and around one of my nipples. ‘You’re perfect.’

  I didn’t like being compared to his wife, but I couldn’t focus on that now because he was taking my nipple between his thumb and forefinger and rolling it gently, and a small sound escaped my lips. He started kissing me again, moving his hand slowly down my stomach. Anticipation joined with apprehension, building inside me as he unbuttoned my jeans and pulled down the zip. I tried to sit up, and he stopped.

  ‘It’s OK, Layla. I just want to touch you, OK? Just touching, that’s all.’

  I nodded again and lay back, raising my hips so he could pull down my jeans. To my relief, he left my underwear in place. For a moment he just looked at me, his eyes running up and down my body as if he didn’t know where to look next. Then he began to move his finger in a light circle on my stomach. He watched my face as he moved lower, over the top of my underwear, rubbing lightly and moving down. At first it almost tickled, but he gradually increased the pressure until it started to feel good, and then it started to feel bloody amazing. I was breathing hard now as a warm, fuzzy sensation began to radiate outwards from his fingers. Then he yanked down my underwear and there was no longer anything separating us. I arched against his hand and he slipped a finger inside me and I cried out and he was watching me with a look of wonder, like he’d never seen anything like it.

  Then he was lying on top of me again and he was kissing me, and I hadn’t even noticed that his pants were down until his erection was butting between my legs. Fear, strong and sharp.

  I pushed against his chest. ‘Scott, stop. Please, can you stop?’

  He thrust against me one more time, then withdrew, gasping. ‘See what you do to me, Layla? This is how much I want you.’

  Despite what he’d said earlier, I could tell he was disappointed. My obvious pleasure must have made him think I wanted to go the whole way, and once again I’d failed to live up to his expectations. ‘I’m sorry.’

  He was still panting. ‘I need to come.’ He took my hand in his and guided it down, then kneaded my breasts as he thrust himself into my hand. He was rough, and it kind of hurt, but maybe if I got it over with quickly he’d be soft and affectionate again, he’d look at me like he worshipped me again. My wrist was burning with the effort when he let out a long groan and came on my stomach.

  And finally, the intensity was gone and his face went slack. He opened up the console and took out a couple of tissues, then wiped my stomach. ‘Was that good?’

  I didn’t say anything. I had no answer for what had just happened. I’d enjoyed it when he was touching me, but the way it had ended had left me shaken and turned off. But maybe that’s just the way it always was. Maybe I was naive.

  ‘You had an orgasm, so you must have enjoyed it.’ He shoved the soggy tissues on the floor then began trailing his fingers languidly over my skin.

  Had I had an orgasm? Surely I would’ve known if I had, but I was also deeply inexperienced. He would probably know better than I did what that feeling had been.

  ‘It was incredible seeing you like that, Layla. I loved doin
g that for you. Did you like it?’

  I wished he’d stop talking. I wished he’d stop touching me. I wanted to go home, but it seemed like this debrief was a mandatory part of the process.

  ‘It was nice,’ I offered.

  He squeezed down beside me, his arm across me. ‘This isn’t the most romantic place. We should get a hotel room one night, out of town. Then we’ll have plenty of room to stretch out and plenty of time to try other things.’

  My limbs were heavy, my mind thick with uncertainty. ‘Scott.’

  He didn’t answer.

  ‘Scott. I don’t think I want to have sex. Not for a long time anyway.’

  He raised his head to look at me. ‘Who said anything about sex? We’re just having a bit of fun, that’s all. We’re not doing any harm.’

  ‘But you …’ I hesitated. If I said it out loud, that he’d tried to push himself on me after I’d told him I wasn’t ready, it would sound like an accusation, and there would be no going back after that. He might be angry at me. He might not want to see me anymore.

  ‘But I what?’

  ‘Nothing. This probably sounds lame to you, but when I have sex, I want it to be with someone who cares about me. I want there to be … love.’

  He raised himself on one elbow. ‘You think I don’t care about you?’

  ‘It’s not that, but …’ I floundered, unable to articulate what I was feeling. ‘It doesn’t feel right. Not when you’re married.’

  Scott sighed. ‘I know it’s not ideal. But I don’t love my wife anymore. I haven’t loved her for a long time.’

  ‘But you did once. Didn’t you? You might think I’m just a schoolkid, but surely she doesn’t deserve this?’

  ‘I don’t think you’re just a schoolkid, Layla.’ Scott touched my face. ‘And I don’t want to hurt Jodie. But the problem is, I think I’m falling in love with someone else.’

  I stared at him blankly for a second, before the full realisation of what he was telling me swept me up and carried me away on a tide of euphoria. The uncomfortable end to our encounter paled in comparison with the significance of this moment.