The Girl She Was

by Rebecca Freeborn

  As I drove back towards Glasswater Bay, my righteous rage settled into something smaller, a slippery eel of shame that curled into a ball in my stomach and became part of me.

  NOW

  Layla could feel words dying in her throat when she woke. Her face was wet with tears. She tried to slow her breathing so she didn’t wake up Cam, but it was too late. He shuffled close to her, hand on her shoulder. ‘You were having a nightmare.’

  It was such a comfort to be in contact with him again that she turned and put her arms around him. ‘Sorry I woke you up.’

  ‘It sounded bad. What was it about?’

  ‘I can’t remember now,’ she lied.

  It’d been a long time since she’d had that dream. Years, in fact. It had long ago lost its vividness; the visceral horror of what she’d been responsible for thinning out over the years until it was a stretched and pale version of the original. But now the full force of it hit her and it was as if she were still in the moment when she’d realised the chain of events she’d unleashed.

  ‘You sounded really freaked out,’ Cam said. ‘You were saying something about losing control, and that you didn’t mean to start it. Start what?’

  Layla felt cornered. She released Cam and sat up, swinging her legs over the side of the bed so she was facing away from him. ‘I told you, I don’t remember the dream.’

  ‘If you don’t remember, why are you getting so upset?’ Her husband’s hand landed in the middle of her back, tentative, unsure.

  ‘I’m not upset!’ She stood up and his hand fell away. She went to the ensuite and stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her freckles stood out on her naked, pale face, creased from sleep, her cheeks streaked with tears. Her eyes were red-rimmed. Her jawline looked spongy and loose. Disgusting. She splashed water on her face. She had to get this under control.

  Cam was sitting up in bed when she returned, his brow furrowed. The bedside lamp was on, a small yellow glow in the darkness. The air felt too thin as Layla slid under the quilt and turned away from him. She knew there was a confrontation coming, but she suspended herself in the long silence, wondering how she was going to divert the conversation this time. Finally, he spoke. ‘Is there something you want to tell me?’

  She squeezed her eyes shut, unable to bear facing him. ‘No, why?’

  ‘Can you look at me? Please?’

  Layla’s head swam. She could start another argument, storm away, sleep on the couch, but how much longer could they hold on if she refused to speak to him? She rolled over to face him. Waited.

  ‘I didn’t want to force the issue. I guess part of me didn’t want to know.’ His face was naked, vulnerable. ‘But now I need you to tell me.’

  Dread clamped down on Layla’s throat. ‘Tell you what?’

  His jaw worked, back and forth, back and forth, like he was chewing on his words, trying to decide whether he was going to spit them out or swallow them back down. ‘Are you cheating on me?’

  ‘What? No!’ she cried with a mixture of shock and relief that she could answer this truthfully. ‘Why would you think that?’

  ‘I got another message from that Jodie Telford.’ His chin quivered. ‘She said to ask you about her husband.’

  Layla couldn’t speak, could only stare at her own husband, wishing this moment away so she’d never have to explain. He stared back at her, his eyes wretched.

  ‘You hardly even look at me anymore,’ he said. ‘And as soon as I mentioned the husband you looked guilty. What am I supposed to think?’

  ‘It’s not that, you have to believe me,’ she pleaded. ‘I would never cheat on you. Never.’

  ‘Then what?’ He looked desperate. ‘Why won’t you tell me?’

  Layla bit her lip and shook her head. ‘I can’t. I just can’t.’

  ‘Why do you keep shutting me out?’ He stood up from the bed, his voice growing louder with each word.

  Fresh tears squeezed from her eyes. ‘Because I don’t want you to hate me.’

  He crossed his arms over his chest. ‘What could be so bad that you can’t share it with me?’

  Layla pulled herself to a sitting position. This was it. She had to tell him, or everything in her life was going to fracture and she’d be left with nothing. She hugged her knees to her chest for a long time. When she finally spoke, her voice came out croaky and dry, as if she hadn’t used it in days. ‘Jodie’s not involved in the reunion. That was just a coincidence.’

  ‘So who is she?’ His voice was softer now. Hopeful.

  ‘When I was seventeen, I worked at a cafe that her husband owned.’ She stopped, took a breath. ‘We got involved.’

  His gaze flickered just a little. ‘You had an affair with him?’

  She closed her eyes. ‘I was young and stupid, and I thought he loved me. I thought he was going to leave her. I was such a fucking idiot that I actually believed a twenty-eight-year-old man was going to leave his family for a teenager.’

  She felt the bed dip down with his weight, and his hand came to rest on her shoulder. ‘You were just a kid.’

  She looked up at him. ‘But I wasn’t blameless. I knew what I was doing, who I was hurting. He had little kids, Cam. But I did it anyway.’

  ‘Why didn’t you ever tell me?’

  ‘Because I’m so ashamed. And because I know how you feel about cheating … the way you speak about that woman your father had the affair with. Your mum told me what you did to her car. You obviously hated her for what she did.’

  He looked sheepish. ‘I was angry, and she was the convenient person to blame. Otherwise, I’d have to face up to the fact that my dad was an arsehole.’

  Layla dropped her gaze to the quilt. ‘I thought you’d hate me.’

  ‘I could never hate you.’ He put his arm around her shoulders and she fell against him in relief. ‘He was eleven years older than you, and he was your boss, for Christ’s sake. He was in the wrong on so many levels. And I know you’d never hurt anyone intentionally.’

  Layla was silent. Part of her wanted him to blame her, to punish her, because of course she had hurt someone. It may not have been intentional, but her actions had had consequences she’d never atoned for.

  After a minute, Cam sat back from her. ‘How did it end?’

  Now she’d begun her confession, it was so tempting to let go and tell him the rest. But if he knew what she’d really done, he might not be so accepting. ‘Not well. The relationship became toxic and I had to leave Glasswater to end it.’

  He frowned. ‘But your whole family moved to Adelaide, didn’t they?’

  She shouldn’t have said that. Anxiety rose again. ‘Yeah, Dad got a job in the city around the same time.’

  He looked away, scratched his neck, looked back again. ‘So did you leave because of his job or because of the affair?’ There was curiosity in his eyes, and perhaps a little suspicion too.

  Layla had the urge to curl up on the bed, clamp her hands over her ears, refuse to answer any more questions. No matter what she said, it only led to more half-truths, and she was so tired of maintaining the ever-changing story. She owed Cam the truth, and she realised now that she owed Jodie an hour of her time. Jodie was the only one who was truly blameless in this whole situation, and she’d been the one to shoulder most of the consequences. And if she really had seen what Layla had done, why hadn’t she come forward years ago? She could’ve gone to the police and told them what she’d seen. There were no other witnesses as far as she knew.

  ‘I think I’m going to go and see her,’ she said.

  ‘Who? This Jodie woman? Why?’ If Cam noticed she’d ignored his previous question, he didn’t push it.

  ‘That’s why she contacted me. She wants to have it out with me, I guess. And maybe I deserve to face up to what I did. Apologise, then come home so we can get on with the rest of our lives.’

  ‘But you didn’t cheat on her, her husband did.’ He looked annoyed. ‘And it’s been twenty years! Who knows how many other affairs he’
s had since then?’

  Layla knew the answer to that question. She avoided his eyes. ‘But it’s been eating away at me ever since she contacted me. And I’ve been taking it out on you and the kids. I want to put this behind me.’

  Cam was silent for a moment, but then he nodded. ‘If it’s something you feel like you need to do, you should do it. When are you going to go?’

  The image of the formal photo flitted into her mind again. Maybe it wasn’t too late. Maybe it was possible to make amends for more than one mistake.

  ‘I think I might go to the reunion after all.’

  THEN

  ‘Look at this one!’ Shona spluttered, pushing the latest edition of Dolly across the table to Renee and me. It was raining, so we’d holed up in the library for lunchbreak and were ironically scouring the Dolly Doctor pages for funny stories. I’d never admit it out loud, but I had found considerable comfort reading the answers to those anonymous questions over the years.

  Renee read aloud: ‘“My boyfriend and I want to have sex, but he doesn’t want to use a condom. He says he’s too big and they make him itchy. Is there anything else we could use? I can’t go on the pill, my mum would kill me if she found out. Very Horny, Perth.” Ha!’

  ‘Bet she roots him anyway and gets pregnant,’ Shona said. ‘How stupid would you have to be to fall for the old “condoms don’t fit me” line?’

  My face grew hot as I tried to skim the response without being too obvious. I was one of those stupid people, but what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t force him to wear a condom, and I wasn’t on the pill, so I was hardly making an effort to be responsible either.

  Then Renee’s and Shona’s attention shifted to a point over my shoulder, and I turned around to see Jason approaching our table. He shared his disarming smile with us as he sat down in the chair across from mine. ‘How’s it goin’, girls?’ He leant back in his chair and his eyes turned to me. ‘Hey, Layla.’

  ‘Hey yourself.’

  ‘I was just wondering …’ His brazen composure slipped a little and his eyes dropped to the table. ‘Do you want to go to the formal with me?’

  A curious detachment crept over me. Most of the girls in my year would’ve jumped at the chance to go to the formal with Jason, and a few months ago I would’ve been all aflutter with nerves at the very idea of his asking me. But now, his good looks and smooth attitude had zero effect on me. ‘I’m seeing someone, actually. But thanks for asking.’ And then I reached out and touched him lightly on the arm.

  ‘Yeah, no worries.’ He stood up, his too-cool-for-school mask back in place. ‘See you girls around.’

  We watched him walk away, then Renee gave me a solid thump on the arm. ‘Are you insane?’

  ‘Ow! I was just telling the truth. I am seeing someone.’

  She gave an exasperated sigh. ‘But Scott’s obviously not going to take you to the formal now, is he?’

  I stared down at the magazine in front of me. Somehow I hadn’t even thought about that until now, but she was right, of course. For the first time, I felt a pang of regret at the things I would miss out on because of my relationship with Scott. Mostly, the benefits of being with an older man outweighed the negatives: his maturity, experience, the means to provide for us when he left his wife. But I wanted the normal high school experiences too. I wanted to get dressed up for the formal with my friends; kiss someone on the dance floor; get drunk at the afterparty. And I wanted to share all of that with Scott.

  ‘If he leaves his wife soon, maybe he will.’

  I imagined how hot he’d look in a tux, how he’d probably be able to afford a limo to take us all to the venue, how he’d put his arms around me on the dance floor and hold me close, how he’d take me home afterwards and tell me he loved me.

  Renee snorted. ‘You’re deluded.’

  *

  ‘When do you think we could have that weekend away?’ I asked Scott that afternoon when I got to work. After what Renee had said earlier, I was determined to prove her wrong, to show her that our relationship was advancing.

  He glanced at me with a distracted air. ‘I dunno. I’d have to close the cafe on the Saturday. Could be hard to manage when I don’t have a good excuse.’

  I thought about it. ‘Could you say you need to go to the city to get new crockery or something? I could tell my parents I’m spending the weekend at Renee’s.’

  He laughed. ‘But I don’t need new crockery. And even if I did, that’d be a half-day trip.’

  ‘We can come up with something else.’

  ‘It’s not a good time now, Layla. Maybe down the track I’ll be able to swing it.’

  My doubt quickly translated into anger, and I threw down the tea towel I’d been using to dry the glasses. ‘If you don’t want to do it, just say so.’

  I went through the kitchen and out to the lunch room, trying to hold back tears at my childish outburst. Picking a fight with Scott had been a stupid move. It wasn’t his fault we were in this position, but it didn’t make the disappointment any easier to bear. I’d been living on the promise of this weekend away for weeks, and now it seemed like it might never happen. I was stuck in limbo – I could neither share my high school experiences with him, nor do the adult stuff. But if I nagged him too much, he might not want me anymore.

  The door swung open and Scott strode in. ‘I didn’t mean to be so abrupt. It’s just hard to find an opportunity to get away for a whole night. We’ll do it one day, I promise.’

  My heart softened and I let him take me into his arms. ‘I don’t want to put any extra pressure on you, but I’m so tired of hiding away. I want you all to myself. I want to do normal couple stuff.’

  He looked down at me, a gentle smile on his face. ‘How about I take you to Victor on Sunday? We could go out for lunch together, where no one knows us.’

  ‘Really? I’d love that.’

  ‘Really.’ He bent his head and kissed me briefly, and I was so grateful for this one small thing that I put my arms around his neck and pulled his head down to mine again.

  ‘Jesus Christ,’ came a voice from behind me, and we flew apart. Yumi stood, one hand on the doorframe, shock written across her face.

  ‘Fuck,’ Scott said.

  ‘Sorry to interrupt. Your wife is here to see you.’ She whirled around and stalked off.

  ‘Fuck,’ Scott said again.

  He followed Yumi out without a backward glance, leaving me standing alone in the kitchen, my heart hammering. I waited in the lunch room for ages before returning to the cafe floor. There were no customers. Jodie had gone. Scott was cleaning tables; Yumi stood behind the counter.

  ‘How long?’ she said in a low voice when I came to stand beside her. I didn’t answer her, and she turned to face me. ‘How could you be so stupid?’

  ‘It just … happened,’ I said shakily. ‘We’re in love.’

  She scoffed. ‘Oh my god, you’re such a child, Layla. I thought you were smarter than that.’

  Rage bubbled inside me. ‘Jealous, are you? I know you’ve always wanted him for yourself.’

  ‘Oh, don’t be ridiculous. Yeah, I thought he was good looking, but I’d never cross that line.’

  I clenched my jaw. I wanted to hurt her for making everything feel wrong again right after I’d been so happy. ‘Only because he’d never be interested in someone like you.’

  Her eyes narrowed. ‘Someone Asian, you mean? Racist much?’

  ‘No, I mean a bitch,’ I shot back.

  ‘Wow.’ Her mouth twisted into a sneer. ‘Nice, Layla. What a charming stepmother you’ll make to those little kids.’

  ‘You don’t have to be so judgemental,’ I snapped. ‘It’s none of your business.’

  ‘You’re right, it’s not.’ She yanked off her apron, marched over to Scott and threw it at him. ‘I quit.’

  NOW

  It was already over thirty degrees when Layla threw her bag on the passenger seat of the car and knelt in the driveway to hug the kids. It would
be the first night she’d spent away from them, and Louis’s face was already streaked with tears. Ella was cheerfully oblivious, while Cam hung back, his face inscrutable. Layla knew he didn’t agree with her going to see Jodie, but while things were still tense between them, they’d been doing their best to reconnect over the last week.

  Louis wrapped his arms around Layla’s neck. ‘Do you have to go?’

  ‘It’s only one night,’ she said, kissing his forehead. ‘And I’ve got a really important job for you while I’m gone.’

  His big blue eyes widened. ‘What?’

  ‘Since you’re going to be a big kindy boy in a couple of weeks, I’d like you to help Daddy look after Ella. Do you think you could do that?’

  His face split into his brilliant smile that always sent a bolt of sunshine straight into Layla’s heart. ‘Yeah!’ He turned to his sister. ‘I’m the boss of you all weekend, Ella.’

  ‘No you not!’ Ella retorted.

  ‘I am so!’ he bellowed. ‘You have to do whatever I tell you!’

  Ella raised her arm to give Louis a smart slap on the top of his head just as Cam scooped her up in his arms. He and Layla shared a smile.

  ‘Sorry,’ Layla said, getting to her feet. ‘I thought it might work.’

  He shrugged. ‘That’s the problem with having strong-willed children with minds of their own.’

  ‘If only they didn’t have them in our general vicinity. Or each other’s.’

  He put Ella down and stepped forward to put his arms around her. ‘I’ll miss you.’

  She hugged him around the middle. ‘Me too.’

  ‘Have fun at the reunion tonight.’

  She made a face. ‘Unlikely. But I’ll try.’

  He looked over her shoulder for a moment. ‘Are you sure you still want to do this?’

  ‘I’m sure.’ Layla hugged him tighter. ‘It’s just a chat. I owe her that much.’

  He snorted. ‘You don’t owe her anything after the way she’s been threatening you. He’s the one she should be punishing.’

  Layla couldn’t tell him that Scott had already received more than his fair share of punishment, so she turned away and opened the car door. ‘I’ll call you tomorrow.’