‘What? No way,’ Renee said, but she looked ever-so-slightly sheepish. ‘OK, so maybe I kind of started liking him that night. But I never would’ve done anything about it while he was with you.’
They both darted a nervous glance at me.
‘That’s great, Renee.’ I tried to sound enthusiastic. ‘I’m really happy for you.’
‘So, have you pashed him yet?’ Shona asked.
‘No, but we’re going to see a movie on the weekend … I’m kind of nervous, isn’t that weird?’
Despair welled up inside me again. I’d been so smug about being in a grown-up relationship, but now, with the formal coming up so soon, I was reminded at every turn how different my situation was from everyone else’s. While my friends discussed Renee’s upcoming date, my fingers found the bruises Scott had left on my wrists the other day.
‘I’m going home,’ I mumbled.
‘Layla, wait,’ Renee protested, but I kept my head down and walked away up the street. My mind was dark. I wanted to vanish.
But before I’d got far, Rasheed appeared, hands in his pockets. ‘Hey, Layla.’
‘Hi, Rasheed.’ I had trouble disguising my impatience.
‘I was wondering, do you want to go to the formal with me?’
He didn’t seem as self-conscious as he used to. Faint surprise registered through my gloom as I realised that he looked as if he didn’t really mind whether I said yes or no. ‘Yeah, I don’t think so.’
He shuffled his feet a little. ‘I meant just as friends. I know you’re seeing someone, but I thought it might be fun if we went together—’
My misery flashed into anger. I was so sick of hearing about the fucking formal, and the idea of going with straitlaced, geeky Rasheed was more than I could bear. I should’ve been going with the man who told me he wanted to marry me. And the fact that the last time I’d seen him, he’d pinned my wrists above my head and called me a dirty bitch – and that I’d let him – only deepened my self-contempt, made me want to lash out at the nearest person. ‘And would your mum have to come as a chaperone, Rasheed?’
‘No, I—’
‘You know I’m with a real man now, don’t you?’ I took a step towards him. ‘As if I’d want to go to the formal with a pathetic virgin loser like you.’
His expression cracked a little; he looked down at his feet. ‘I guess that’s a no, then?’
He started to turn away, but I wasn’t done yet. I’d tasted blood and I wanted more.
‘I keep remembering kissing you at the social and it makes me sick. It was like wrestling with a gigantic wet slug. It was disgusting.’
He looked back at me once. ‘I get the idea, Layla.’
He walked away, and I looked around to find my friends staring at me in shock.
‘That was really mean, Layla,’ Renee said in a small voice.
The disappointment in her eyes was too much. ‘And you can fuck off with your moralistic preaching, Renee.’
I ran all the way up the street to where my car was parked and got in, tears fogging my vision. What had I done? What kind of person treated their friends like that? I didn’t deserve them. I didn’t deserve happiness. I started the engine and roared away up the road, barely knowing where I was going until I’d pulled up outside the cafe.
‘What are you doing here?’ Scott said when I walked in. ‘You’re not working today.’
‘Hi, Layla,’ Anna said from behind the counter.
I could barely look at her, with her bright smile, her clear skin, her chest just about bursting out of her shirt. ‘Could I talk to you about my shifts for next week?’ I said to Scott. ‘I need to swap a few.’
‘Uh yeah, sure.’ Scott followed me through the kitchen to the lunch room. ‘What’s up with you? You look weird.’
I wrapped my arms around his middle and pressed myself against him. ‘I just needed to see you.’
‘What’s wrong?’ He held me away from him.
I tried to pull his head down to kiss him. ‘Tell me you love me.’
He craned his head away. ‘What’s going on? Has something happened?’
‘Tell me you love me.’ My tears began to fall. ‘Tell me you want me.’
Scott took my hands and forced me away from him. ‘Layla, stop! It’s broad daylight, for fuck’s sake, anyone could walk in here.’
‘Then let them,’ I sobbed. ‘I’m sick of sneaking around. I want you for myself. Is that so selfish?’
‘You need to snap out of it.’ His eyes were hard. ‘This is not the time or the place to talk about this. I’ll see you tomorrow.’
‘When are you going to leave her, Scott?’
He dropped my hands and gave an exasperated sigh. ‘I get enough high-maintenance shit at home without coming into work and getting it from you.’
‘You told me you were going to leave her soon. So when are you going to do it? When?’
His face twisted. ‘You just won’t get off my back, will you? I’m done with this. It’s not worth it.’
‘You don’t mean that!’ I flew at him, my hands on his chest. ‘I can wait, Scott. I can wait. I’ve had a bad day, that’s all. Sorry for being weird.’
He took me by the shoulders and shoved me away, and I bumped hard into the wall and almost fell. ‘Look at you,’ he sneered. ‘You’re a mess.’
I shrank beneath the contempt in his eyes. He’d hurt me before, but only ever during sex. This felt different. More shameful, somehow, in a way I couldn’t articulate. ‘Sorry, Scott. It won’t happen again.’
‘You can’t come storming in here like this, Layla.’ His voice was less angry now, but still there was no softness in his eyes. ‘This is my life. I’ve got a business to run. Go home.’
And then he was gone, leaving me scraped out, empty. I’d come here seeking validation, but instead I’d come off desperate and pathetic. And now it was probably over.
When I went to the bathroom to clean myself up, my tear-streaked face was pale and grey under the fluoro lights, the whites of my eyes stained pink. My freckled nose, red from crying, seemed to dwarf my narrow face. No wonder Scott couldn’t stand the sight of me. Why would anyone love a face like this?
NOW
It was almost a relief when the front door opened and Renee’s husband and two boys walked in. Layla had been there for three hours and the four walls of the living room were beginning to press in on her. She and Renee had caught up on each other’s lives and what all their old school acquaintances were doing, and they were running out of topics of conversation. They skirted around personal issues. Layla hadn’t had the courage to bring up the reason she was here again. She almost welcomed the chance to get the confrontation out of the way.
‘Hello, Layla,’ he said. His voice was cool.
She tried to smile. ‘How are you, Daniel?’
He didn’t answer, just bent to kiss Renee. She looked up at him with a happy little smile, and something within Layla squeezed. They’d been looking at each other like that since they’d first got together in high school. Did Cam still look at her that way? Had he ever?
‘How were the waves today?’ Renee said as he straightened.
‘Rubbish!’ said one of the boys. His wetsuit was rolled down to his hips and he wore a white T-shirt. His shaggy auburn hair hung wet to his shoulders and his nose was scattered with freckles. His brother moved to stand beside him, looking curiously at Layla. They were identical, except that the second boy’s hair was cut short around his ears. They looked so much like Renee had at the same age that Layla had to swallow the lump in her throat. She wondered what Daniel had told them about her, whether they were already judging her, just like everyone at school had.
Renee stood up and slung an arm around each of their shoulders. They were both already taller than she was. ‘Boys, this is my old school friend, Layla. Layla, these are my handsome sons, Jonah and Henry.’
‘Mum,’ Jonah complained mildly. He tried to shrink away from his mother, but Renee pulled hi
m back and gave him an exaggeratedly loud kiss on the cheek.
‘Hi,’ Henry said shyly.
‘Lovely to meet you,’ Layla said.
The boys mumbled barely intelligible excuses and made their escapes, leaving the adults alone together. A heavy silence pressed in before Daniel ran a hand through his wet hair and said, ‘Going to have a shower.’
The two women watched him go. ‘He’s still the hottest guy from our year,’ Renee said.
Layla laughed, then their eyes met as they both remembered, and the laughter died in her throat. She looked away.
‘You don’t have to keep feeling guilty about it, you know,’ Renee said.
‘There’s a lot to feel guilty about, though, isn’t there? And no doubt everyone will remind me of it tonight.’
‘It was twenty years ago, Layla. No one cares about that now.’
‘He does.’ She waved her hand in the direction Daniel had disappeared.
There was a period of silence before Renee spoke again. ‘Should I open a bottle of wine? I need to fortify myself for this thing.’
Layla raised her eyebrows. ‘Pre-loading? Isn’t that what got us into trouble twenty years ago?’
They went into the kitchen and Renee handed Layla a glass of white wine as they took seats opposite one another at the dining table. ‘Bit more dignified than Jim Beam,’ she said, taking a sip.
‘God, that stuff was gross, wasn’t it?’
They were both laughing when Daniel walked in. ‘What’s so funny?’
‘Just reminiscing,’ Renee said. ‘Come and sit with us, babe. Have a wine.’
‘Think I’ll have a beer.’ He turned away and stuck his head in the fridge before coming over to the dining table and sitting down beside Renee.
The conversation was stilted. Layla snuck the occasional glance at Daniel, but he didn’t look at her at all. Renee was right: her first crush was still good looking, with his broad shoulders, open face and dark hair. And he was in great shape too, a slight thickening around his middle the only indication of age beginning to catch up with him. He was attentive to Renee, touching her arm occasionally and watching her when she spoke. Layla felt a pang of something – not quite jealousy, but a close relative. Until recently, her relationship with Cam had always felt on firm footing, but there was something about a love that had lasted from high school that left her with a tinge of envy.
Then Renee got up to go to the toilet, and Layla and Daniel were suddenly alone.
Daniel stared into his beer bottle for so long that Layla thought he might disappear into it. She fidgeted with her wineglass, then mustered up the courage to say, ‘Looking forward to the reunion tonight?’
‘Not really.’ He glanced at her, then back to his beer. ‘I’m only going because Renee wants me to. I don’t see the point in hanging around with a bunch of people I never liked in the first place.’
Layla grimaced. ‘Point taken.’ She watched as he slowly started peeling the label off his beer bottle. ‘I’m sorry about what I did … after the formal,’ she said at last. ‘It was … I was going through some shit. I know that’s no excuse, but—’
He looked up at her now. ‘You really think that’s why I’m still angry?’
‘I know it was more than that—’
‘Jodie’s my cousin, Layla. Life didn’t stop for the rest of us when you left, you know. She’s been through a lot.’
‘I know.’ Layla forced herself to meet his gaze. ‘That’s why I came back. To make amends. Or try to. I’m going to see her tomorrow.’
‘You are?’ Renee had walked in and was staring at Layla. ‘You didn’t tell me that.’
Layla tried to smile. ‘Because she’s not the only one I need to make things up to.’
There was a strained silence, then the doorbell rang and they all jumped.
‘That’ll be Shona,’ Renee said unnecessarily. She disappeared again.
At last Daniel looked at Layla. ‘I know you weren’t entirely to blame. I mean, you were just a teenager. But everyone else has paid for it. Everyone except you.’
Sudden anger blazed inside Layla, hot and bright. ‘You think I haven’t paid? He ate away my self-worth when I was most vulnerable. For my entire twenties, I only went out with men who treated me like shit … I lived with a guy who hit me every week and threatened to kill me at least once a month. And I thought that was normal. So don’t tell me I haven’t paid, Daniel.’
His eyes widened. He opened and closed his mouth. Layla herself was in shock. She’d never told anyone about that period of her life; not Cam, not even her mother. But now there was no room left inside her to harbour it any longer. She looked up to see Renee and Shona standing in the doorway, looking shell-shocked.
‘Oh my god, Layla.’ Renee came over and put her arms around Layla, then Shona was there too, and the three of them were clinging to one another. Relief swathed Layla in a warm cocoon. Daniel sat at the table, cradling his beer and looking helpless. The beer label, wet with condensation, lay on the table like a carcass.
At last Shona stepped back and smiled through her tears. ‘Trust Layla to bring the melodrama.’
‘Ha! You were always the melodramatic one, as I recall,’ Layla said.
Renee reached out and squeezed Daniel’s shoulder. ‘Babe, could you take the boys around to Mum’s? We girls have some catching up to do.’
‘Yep.’ Daniel stood up and fled.
Shona watched him go. ‘I’ve never seen anyone leave a room so quickly.’
Renee grinned. ‘Men are pussies.’
‘Well, what are we waiting for, bitches?’ Shona spread her arms wide. ‘Let’s get ready to blow Glasswater to smithereens. Is fucking Katrina coming?’
THEN
Shona cranked the stereo in her car as soon as we got on the road to Adelaide, and we sang retro eighties songs at the tops of our lungs to cover the tension. Things were still tense between Renee and me since my blow-up at Rasheed last week.
It had been Shona’s idea to go to Adelaide for the day to shop for our formal dresses. I wasn’t really in the mood, but I couldn’t not go to the formal, and I needed a dress. And besides, Scott hadn’t rostered me on today, so it wasn’t like I had anything else to do. Despite what he’d said to me that day about us being done, the next time I’d seen him he’d acted as if nothing had happened. My relief that he still wanted me mingled with confusion over his behaviour. When I referred to the way he’d shoved me into the wall, he gave a sort of puzzled chuckle, as if implying that the whole exchange existed only in my head.
When I’d told him where I was going today, he’d asked me to meet him up at The Knob tonight, and I wasn’t sure whether I was looking forward to it or dreading it. It’d been ages since we’d done anything together outside the walls of the cafe kitchen, and that small spark of hope – the spark that I kept buried deep inside, with a glow that diminished day by day – made me wonder whether this could be the turning point in our relationship. Maybe he was going to tell me he was finally leaving Jodie and we could be together.
On the other hand, the thought of what we’d do together made me feel numb and hopeless. I’d stopped faking orgasms, but he didn’t seem to care. He’d pull my hair, graze my skin with his fingernails and his teeth, whisper dirty things in my ear. Sometimes he’d close a hand around my throat and I’d think, He could kill me if he wanted to.
‘What’s wrong?’ Shona nudged my arm. ‘I thought you loved this song?’
I flashed her a smile. ‘Sorry. Just thinking about Scott.’
Renee groaned from the back seat. ‘Seriously? When are you going to give up on that?’
Defiance flared in me, and I twisted around in my seat to look at her. ‘Well, he asked me to marry him, so probably never.’
‘Are you for real?’ Shona shrieked.
‘Yup.’ The half-truth grew inside my head, and next thing I knew I’d outlined a whole wedding plan to them, until it was no longer a half-truth but a complete lie.<
br />
‘So where’s the ring?’ Renee’s voice was heavy with scepticism.
‘We haven’t got one yet. We’re going to go to the city together to pick one out.’ The more I spoke, the more I convinced myself that it was true. Well, it would be anyway. I just had to make it happen. Whatever it took, I’d make it happen.
‘Did you know his wife is Daniel’s cousin?’ Renee said out of the blue.
My smile withered as she dragged me back to reality. ‘What’s that got to do with anything?’
‘Apparently, their marriage is on the rocks.’
I smirked. ‘I could’ve told you that.’
When Renee spoke again, there was no glee in her voice, only reluctance. ‘And apparently, he’s doing all he can to save it. Flowers, romantic dinners, the works.’
My throat constricted, my fragile dreams exploding inside me, leaving a tingling emptiness in their place. She was lying. She had to be lying, because how could that be true when he’d told me I was the one he wanted to be with? I didn’t look at her, my voice wobbling as I spoke. ‘I don’t believe you.’
‘I’m sorry.’ There was real regret in Renee’s voice now. ‘I really am. But it’s true. Daniel’s parents were talking about it the other night. He’s not going to marry you, Layla. He’s just using you for sex.’
Her words floated above me, barely penetrating the thick fog of numbness that surrounded me. And from beneath that fog edged a sharper, darker truth: if it was true, what kind of person could do those things to me while still loving his wife? What kind of man had I fallen in love with, given myself up for?
‘Hey, Layla?’ Shona said, keeping her eyes on the road. ‘I think Renee might be right. Maybe you should end this thing now, before you get hurt. You deserve a nice relationship with a nice guy.’
I nodded, biting down hard on my lip to hold back my tears. I didn’t trust myself to speak, because I didn’t know the words to tell her how deep the hurt had gone already, and that after what I’d done, who I’d become, a good relationship was the last thing I deserved.
The Girl She Was Page 20