*
Shona knew all the best shops to look in, and we spent a good hour squished into change rooms together, trying on dress after silky dress. None of us brought up Scott again, and I began to feel lighter and lighter. It seemed like years since I’d had good, simple fun like this. Despite Renee’s revelation, I started to look forward to the formal, even though I wouldn’t have a date and would no doubt be ribbed for it by Katrina and her minions.
‘You need to get the blue one, Renee,’ Shona announced. ‘It looks shit hot with your hair and your complexion.’
‘I didn’t know there was a colour that went with freckles,’ Renee grumbled, but she looked chuffed nevertheless. ‘That one was my favourite.’
‘You look beautiful in it,’ I said. ‘Daniel’s gonna flip when he sees you.’
‘Thanks.’ Her eyes looked shiny. ‘I know it’s early days, but I really like him. And I think he likes me.’
‘Of course he does. Who wouldn’t?’
She grabbed me in a spontaneous hug. ‘I love you guys.’
Shona joined in the hug. ‘Those are the words of two chicks who want to get smashed tonight. My place when we get home?’
‘Shit yeah,’ Renee said.
I didn’t want to spoil the moment by telling them that I’d already arranged to meet Scott tonight, so I just nodded and turned back to the pile of dresses. It’d been fun trying them on, but none had made me look anywhere near as good as my friends did. ‘So which one am I gonna get?’
‘The red,’ Renee said. ‘You’ll clash with my hair, but you look hot in it.’
‘I agree,’ Shona said. ‘Anyway, Renee’ll be too busy pashing Daniel to worry about clashing with anyone’s dress.’
‘What about you?’ I said.
Shona waved a hand dismissively. ‘None of these are working for me. I think I’m gonna get a short dress.’
‘Shona Porter, always bucking the trend,’ Renee said.
‘You’d better believe it, girlfriend. And speaking of bucking the trend, I’m not taking a date either.’
‘You’re not?’ I said, surprised. ‘Didn’t Sam ask you last week?’
‘I don’t need a man to be fabulous. And Sam is a wanker anyway, as he’s so fond of reminding everyone.’ She slung an arm over my shoulder. ‘So we can be fabulous together, Layla.’
We high-fived, and a flicker of light glimmered inside me. Maybe there could be a future without Scott in it, without the angst and the doubt and the shame. Maybe I could be fabulous.
*
By four o’clock we were on the road home, the back seat laden with dresses and shoes and make-up and a lot of other things we didn’t need. I’d bought the new Magic Dirt album, which blasted from the car stereo while we all sang along.
‘I’d change teams for Adalita, no question,’ Renee said.
‘She’s a goddess,’ I agreed. ‘A rock goddess.’
‘We should start our own band,’ Shona said. ‘How awesome would that be?’
‘Um, Shona, none of us can sing or play any instruments,’ I reminded her.
‘Yeah, musical talent is kind of a prerequisite,’ Renee said.
‘Don’t let reality get in the way of my dream, bitches,’ Shona said.
We stopped in at Keen’s on the way to Shona’s place to order fish and chips, and my mood began to tank again as we passed the cafe. I walked on the other side of Renee and Shona, avoiding looking in through the windows. The idea of Scott knowing I was there made my insides feel cold and dark.
‘Should we drop in at Daniel’s?’ Shona said when we were getting back in the car. ‘We could see if his sister can get us some booze. My parents are out tonight.’
‘Let’s call him when we get to your place,’ Renee said. ‘He could bring some over later.’
We got back to Shona’s and scoffed the fish and chips, and soon after Daniel arrived with the alcohol. He and Renee canoodled for a while before she pushed him towards the door. ‘Off you go, we’ve got drinking to do.’
‘Is that all the thanks I get for providing minors with alcohol?’ Daniel laughed.
‘Thank you,’ Renee said sweetly, pulling him back to her and kissing him.
‘Mmm,’ he said, putting his arms around her. ‘I could get used to that kind of gratitude.’
They gazed at each other with pathetic adoration, and jealousy swirled in my belly. Scott hadn’t looked at me like that for such a long time.
Shona groaned. ‘Get a room!’
When Daniel had left, Renee passed out the drinks, but I demurred. ‘I can’t. I have to drive later.’
‘What?’ Shona frowned. ‘I thought you were staying here tonight.’
‘I am.’ I twisted the bottom of my T-shirt in my hands. ‘I told Scott I’d meet him tonight. I thought I could come back here after … if you don’t mind?’
Renee grimaced and threw her bottle top into the sink with a flick of her wrist. ‘So I guess you’re not going to end it, then?’
‘I am.’ But as the words left my mouth, I knew they were a lie. ‘But it’s already arranged.’
‘So call the cafe now,’ Shona said. ‘Tell him you can’t make it.’
I was torn. It would be an enormous weight off my shoulders to cancel the plans, to let loose with my friends instead.
‘He makes you miserable, Lay,’ Renee said. ‘You’ve changed since you’ve been involved with him. The way you spoke to Rasheed the other day … that wasn’t you.’
‘I know.’ Anguish rose inside me, and before I could prevent it, my face began to crumple. ‘But I don’t know how to stop.’
Together, they came over to me and each put an arm around me. I loved them so hard right then that it was almost too much to bear.
‘We just want you to be happy,’ Renee said.
Shona pressed the cordless phone into my hand. ‘Call him now. Tell him it’s over.’
I pressed my lips together and nodded. ‘OK. OK.’
I took the phone into Shona’s bedroom and closed the door. I knew the cafe number by heart, but still I stared at the phone in my hand for a long time before I had the courage to dial. One conversation and it would all be over. I could live a normal life again. I held my breath and keyed in the number.
‘Telford’s Cafe, Scott speaking.’
Somehow I hadn’t expected him to answer, and now I was struck mute.
‘Hello?’
‘Sorry, hi. It’s me. Layla.’
‘Oh, hi.’ The warmth in his voice immediately gave me second thoughts. ‘It’s been dead tonight, so I might be able to close early. I can’t wait to ravish you later.’
I took a deep breath. ‘That’s why I’m calling actually. I won’t be able to make it tonight.’
‘Are you kidding? I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all day.’
‘I know, me too,’ I lied. ‘But I’m at Shona’s and we’ve had a couple of drinks. I don’t think I’ll be able to drive.’
‘Shit, Layla.’ He sighed. ‘I thought we had a plan.’
‘We did.’ I squirmed. ‘It’s just … I feel like hanging out with my friends tonight, doing normal teenage stuff.’
‘What are you saying, Layla?’
I hesitated, squeezing my eyes shut. Did I really have the courage to do this? Renee and Shona’s chatter filtered under the closed door. If I got it over with, I could be back with them in minutes. I opened my eyes. ‘I don’t think I want to do this anymore.’
‘What?’ He sounded bewildered. ‘Are you breaking it off with me? Over the phone?’
‘No, I … Well, yeah. I think so.’ With every word, I felt lighter. I was almost out. I was almost free. I hadn’t known how badly I’d wanted it until now. ‘I’ll quit if you want, so it’s not too weird.’
He gave a heavy sigh. ‘Oh. Fuck. I had no idea this was coming.’
I sank lower on the bed, cradling the phone between my ear and shoulder. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘I can’t believe you didn�
�t have the decency to do this in person.’ His voice was jagged, unsteady. I dug my fingernails into my forearm. ‘Don’t I deserve that much?’
I wanted to ask him whether I’d deserved to be called filthy names, to be thrown against the wall like a rag doll, but ‘I’m sorry,’ came out again instead. The brief euphoria I’d felt at being free drained out of me. I felt limp, like I had no bones.
‘I guess that’s what I get for falling in love with a teenager; you change your mind as often as your underwear,’ he said bitterly. ‘Last week you were throwing yourself at me and now you’re telling me you’re done. Good luck finding someone else who’ll put up with your schizo shit.’
I clenched my arm harder. ‘I’m sorry.’ Tears came to my eyes. ‘I did love you, but—’
‘But what? It got too hard for you, so you gave up on me? I must’ve been wrong about you, Layla. I thought you were stronger than that.’
I couldn’t speak.
‘At least meet me tonight to talk things through like a grown-up,’ Scott said. ‘You owe me that much.’
My heart hurt. He sounded so sad and defeated. The least I could do was give him a proper explanation. I felt battered, flat, but could it really be any worse than the way he felt? Come to think of it, my friends were the ones who’d talked me into doing this in the first place. Everyone was always telling me what to do, what to think, how to act, and I was sick of it.
‘OK,’ I said at last. ‘I’ll come to the cafe after closing.’
‘No, meet me at The Knob, just like we planned.’
My fingernails broke through the skin of my forearm. I winced but didn’t let go. I knew if I went to The Knob, Scott would take control again, as he always did. But then the image of Renee and Daniel gazing adoringly at one another flitted across my mind, and a deep yearning swam in the pit of my belly. I needed to see that look in Scott’s eyes again, to know I was loved. Just one more time, then I could let him go.
‘OK.’
‘OK. OK, great.’ He sounded relieved. ‘I’ll close at ten tonight. See you there at ten thirty.’
I peeled my fingernails away from my skin to hang up the phone and stared down at the crescent shapes on my arm as they turned from white to pink to deep red.
*
‘I can’t believe you’re still meeting him,’ Renee said as I pulled on my jacket at ten twenty. ‘You’re not going to break it off, are you?’
‘I am,’ I insisted. ‘But I owe him a face-to-face explanation. I couldn’t break up with him over the phone.’
‘You could’ve waited until your next shift.’ She crossed her arms, her face pink. I knew she didn’t believe I’d do it, but she hadn’t heard the pain in his voice when I’d told him it was over. She didn’t know how much I’d hurt him.
Shona saw me to the door. ‘Be careful, OK? Stick to your guns.’
‘I’m going to.’
‘Are you going to come back here afterwards?’
I looked past her, but Renee hadn’t followed us out. ‘I think I kind of destroyed the vibe.’
She grimaced. ‘She’ll get over it. We’re worried about you, that’s all.’
I gave her a small smile. Maybe their friendship was enough to keep me strong, to carry me through this meeting. ‘I’ll see you at school on Monday.’
As soon as I left my friends, I felt the strength they’d lent me trickle away. They had their own lives; Renee had a boyfriend and no doubt Shona would have another one soon too. Like Scott said, who would be interested in going out with someone like me? It was only a matter of time before I reverted back to the pathetic sidekick.
I took the long way up to The Knob, and Scott’s car was already waiting in the car park when I got there. He got out at the same time I did and we stopped a few paces away from each other. The moon was full and the silvery light shone on his face. One side of his mouth lifted in a half-smile and my heart did a little flip. ‘I was worried you weren’t going to come,’ he said.
‘Sorry I’m a bit late.’
He took a step towards me, then stopped. ‘What happened, Layla? We’ve got a special connection. I know you feel it too. I don’t understand why you want to end it.’
Did we have a connection? In the last few months, our connection had seemed little more than a series of quickies that had become increasingly base. Or maybe I was being naive and overly sentimental to think romance continued as a relationship progressed. He was watching me, waiting for the explanation I’d promised him, but now I could come up with nothing that sounded reasonable. All the lines I’d rehearsed on the way here had flown out of my head now that I was confronted with the naked hurt illuminated by the moonlight on his face.
‘Renee has started going out with Jodie’s cousin Daniel,’ I said at last. ‘He said you’ve been trying to patch up your relationship with her.’
He gave a rough laugh. ‘So you believe what your friend says rather than giving me a chance to explain?’
‘Well, no … it’s just—’
‘So if Renee told you to climb up there,’ he gestured to the giant granite outcropping, ‘and jump into the sea, you’d do it, would you?’
I could feel him trying to turn it back on me, and I fought the urge to apologise again. ‘I’m giving you the chance to explain now.’
His features softened. ‘Jodie’s dad has cancer. It’s terminal. She’s really upset about it, so I need to support her right now.’
‘Oh. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.’
‘That’s also why I can’t leave her yet. But I don’t want to lose you either, Layla.’ He stepped closer, reached out and touched my cheek. My resolve stretched, twisted, sagged. ‘I’m not ready to let you go.’
He came closer still, clasped my face in both hands, looked into my eyes with an expression that held all the meaning I’d been searching for from the start. I gulped it down with a thirst that felt like it could never be quenched. Maybe … maybe if I gave it another chance, it would be better this time. It had to be better.
He bent his head and kissed me softly on the lips. I closed my eyes. This tenderness was what I’d been yearning for. How could I turn my back on this? His hands were still on either side of my face; gentle, warm. If he could love me despite all the imperfections that I saw in the mirror every day, that bled out inside me, I couldn’t let that go. I kissed him back, let my arms wind around his neck, let my body move in against his.
‘I love you, Layla,’ Scott said. ‘Tell me you love me too.’
‘I love you,’ I breathed.
‘Tell me you won’t leave me.’
‘I’ll never leave you.’
NOW
Shona applied bright red lipstick and inspected her face in the mirror. ‘Too much?’ she said.
‘Just enough,’ Renee said. ‘You look great.’
Layla eyed Shona’s svelte figure with envy. She wore a short, yellow strapless dress that hugged a body that was as firm and toned as it had been when they were at school. Her hair was short and died various shades of purple, and her feet were clad in Doc Martens.
‘You look amazing,’ Layla said. ‘You make me feel old and frumpy.’
Shona’s reflection raised an eyebrow at her. ‘Layla, there’s nothing frumpy about you.’
‘Well, things aren’t as tight as they used to be.’ She gestured to her hips and belly, which she’d covered in a black shift dress to disguise the soft, jiggly bits that she so despised.
‘So?’ Shona said. ‘I’m thin because I don’t sleep enough and I’m constantly stressed with my business, and when I’m stressed I go to the gym instead of sleeping, and the cycle continues. You guys pushed actual humans out of your clackers and still managed to have successful careers. I think that puts you in front.’
Layla couldn’t help laughing.
‘Yeah, but our clackers will never be the same,’ Renee said wryly.
‘Speaking of work, I can’t believe you’re starting your own practice,’ Shona said. ‘That’s aw
esome. I always knew you’d be a great psychologist.’
‘No, you didn’t!’ Renee laughed. ‘You told me I was insane for not doing law.’
‘Well, I was wrong. What about you, Layla? You always wanted to buy your own pharmacy, didn’t you?’
Once, Layla had hoped to start her own business, but after having children, she had all but given up on her dream. Strange that she’d always been the brainy one when they’d been at school, the one most likely to succeed, and now her friends had overtaken her while she stagnated in the same job she’d been doing for ten years, bored yet too paralysed to take the leap into something new.
‘I did. I do,’ she corrected herself. ‘But then we had kids and I put it off. Now I can’t see a way of ever achieving it.’
‘Work is really hard when you have little kids,’ Renee said. ‘But it does get easier once they’re at school. The only reason I’m where I’m at now is because I had mine young. But I haven’t forgotten that first year of being soaked in breast milk and despair while Daniel seemed to carry on as normal.’
‘Cam is a great dad, but even now I hate him a little bit every time he goes to work and leaves me with them.’ Admitting this felt like a betrayal to Cam, but Layla knew her old friends wouldn’t judge her for it.
‘Oh, I used to feel like ripping Daniel’s nuts off whenever he headed out for a job at 7 am and left me with two screaming babies and no opportunity to have a shower for eight hours.’ Renee laughed.
‘You know, no one else has ever said anything like that to me,’ Layla said. ‘I thought I was the only one.’
Renee gave her a sympathetic smile. ‘Because we’ve been conditioned not to say these things out loud. But I’ve had enough clients with PND to know what that does to a person.’
‘I don’t know how anyone does it.’ Shona shook her head. ‘Just the thought of it terrifies me.’
‘So, while I’ve got my psychologist hat on, Layla …’ Renee began, then paused. ‘What you said earlier about the bad relationships you’ve had … Cam’s not like that, is he?’
‘No! God, no.’ Layla rushed to defend her husband. ‘He was the first person who made me feel worthwhile since school.’
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