I wanted to cry, but there was nothing left inside me. The room wasn’t spinning anymore. I was still drunk, but the euphoric feeling had disappeared. There was a sickening heaviness in my stomach and my ankles were burning from the blisters my shoes had rubbed into my skin. I bent to remove them, then wandered through the rooms of the house. Most people had left; I could make out Bruiser’s hulking shape in one corner of the living room, fiddling with the stereo. A few of the guys still stood around the room, draining the last of the alcohol. I tried to slip out without anyone seeing me, but one of them glanced over and called out, ‘How about a lap dance, Layla?’ He mimed a lewd sexual act and the others all guffawed. I opened the front door and stepped out onto the verandah, the cold night air piercing the fog of drunkenness.
It seemed inevitable when I set off up the footpath, stumbling over the cracks in the pavement, that he was there, sitting in his car just up the street from Bruiser’s house. The passenger window was open and he called out to me in a flat voice, ‘Get in.’
I stopped, my eyes heavy. I’d planned to stay at Renee’s tonight, but that obviously wasn’t an option now. There was nowhere else to go. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. I opened the door and got in.
He didn’t speak. My house was only a few streets away, but he directed the car onto the main road and then turned off into the small bitumen car park behind the Foodland. I wondered idly what he was going to do with me, but I couldn’t muster up the energy to care.
‘Everyone who came out of that party was talking about what you did.’ He stared straight ahead, his hands still clenched around the steering wheel. ‘Three guys, Layla – you fucked three different guys in one night?’
My disgrace was visceral. ‘One,’ I said in a small voice. ‘It was only one.’
He finally looked at me. ‘I always knew you had a bit of the wild girl in you, but I didn’t think you were this fucked up.’ He laughed mirthlessly. ‘None of those guys are actually interested in you, you know. You’re not even that attractive. You should hear what everyone was saying about you.’
A sob rose in my throat at the memory of Renee’s face. ‘My friends …’
‘I was right, wasn’t I? They weren’t there for you when you needed them. I’m the only one who cares about you now.’ He smiled cruelly. ‘Get out of the car.’
I started. ‘You’re going to leave me here?’
‘Get out.’
I opened the door and stepped out. The asphalt was rough and cold on my bare feet. I waited for him to start the engine and roar away, but instead he got out too and came up close, then wound his hand up into my hair. ‘You’re mine, Layla. No one else touches you, you understand? You’re mine. You don’t get to decide when this ends.’
NOW
The air in the room was stifling when Layla woke. She stretched out her legs, searching for a cool spot between the sheets, and her foot hit warm skin. She rolled over to find Shona’s face on the pillow beside hers, and she started. Shona opened her eyes, blinked and groaned. ‘What time is it?’ she grumbled.
Layla glanced at the clock radio behind Shona’s head. ‘Eight thirty. I haven’t slept this late in almost five years.’
Shona groaned again. ‘Late? I guess that’s why I never had kids.’ Her eyes fluttered closed, and within seconds her breathing slowed and deepened into sleep again.
Layla lay still for another few minutes, but her head was pounding and sleep wouldn’t come back to her. She got up and pulled on her jeans, then grabbed her bag and detoured into the bathroom to wash her face and put on enough makeup to cover her imperfections.
Shona had planned to go back to her parents’ place last night, but when they’d got back to Renee’s they’d all stayed up drinking for another two hours, and Layla and Shona had ended up sharing the bed in the spare room. Layla hadn’t been this hungover in a long time.
The house was deathly silent when she went out to the kitchen. She was desperate for a coffee, but she dared not switch on the machine and risk waking anyone up. She poured a glass of water from the tap and took it out to the backyard. The morning was still cool, a welcome relief from the close heat within the house and the nausea that churned in her belly. There was a light breeze, but Layla knew from the sweltering summers of her childhood that it would soon give way to shimmering heat. She sat down at the table under the pergola and sipped at her glass of water. After the light feeling that had followed the reunion last night, the meeting with Jodie in a few hours began to weigh on her again. She’d held onto this secret for so long now that she ached right down to her soul. But she was tired of holding on. Rasheed’s words from last night echoed in her head: Maybe it’s OK to let it go now?
No matter what happened with Jodie today, she couldn’t run anymore. She had to face up to what she’d done.
Her phone stared back at her from the table. Cam would already be up, herding the children and catering to their endless demands. He was the one she loved more than any other, and yet she’d been lying to him constantly lately, and, by omission, ever since she’d known him. If she wanted to save their faltering relationship – and she did, more than anything – she had to tell him the full story. She took another sip of water and dialled his number.
‘Hey.’ The warmth in his voice was like a bath; she sank into it gratefully. ‘How was the reunion?’
‘It was actually great. I had a really good time. I’m quite hungover this morning though.’
‘That’s great … that you had fun, not that you’re hungover.’ There was a smile in his voice. ‘We really miss you.’
‘I miss you too,’ she said. ‘But if you don’t mind, I’ve decided to stay on for another day. I’d like to spend a bit more time with Renee and Shona.’
‘Of course. We’re doing fine.’
‘And there’s … there’s something else I need to do.’
‘What’s that?’
‘I need to go to the police.’
Silence. Layla’s heart stuttered as she waited for his response.
‘What? What happened? Are you OK?’
‘I didn’t tell you everything about what happened when I was a teenager.’
He took in a deep breath, but when he didn’t speak, she began to. She told him the whole story: what she’d done, what the consequences had been, the real reason Jodie wanted to see her. He remained silent throughout. Every now and then, she heard one of the kids shout in the background, but Cam didn’t say a word.
‘So that’s why I’m going to the police,’ she finished. ‘I need to own what I did and face the consequences.’
When Cam finally spoke, his voice was thin and shaky. ‘But what about us? What if you go to jail, Layla? Where does that leave us?’
Layla pressed her lips together to hold in the emotion. ‘My mum will help you out if it comes to that.’
He laughed mirthlessly. ‘For fuck’s sake, Layla, do you know what you’re saying? You want to take the fall now for something that happened twenty years ago?’
‘Fucksake!’ came Ella’s voice in the background.
‘It didn’t happen. I did it.’
‘But it wasn’t even intentional!’ His voice was high, desperate. ‘It won’t change anything for them.’
Tears slid down Layla’s cheeks. ‘But it will for me. I can’t live with this anymore, Cam. I understand if you want to leave me, but if I don’t face up to what I did, it’s going to kill me.’ A sob escaped her.
Cam’s breath whooshed out. ‘Oh god, Layla, of course I don’t want to leave you. Why would you think that?’
Layla grimaced, torn between relief at his words and dread at voicing the fears she’d been harbouring for weeks. ‘Things have been difficult between us lately. I know you’re not happy, and now this … well, I wouldn’t blame you.’
‘Is that what you want?’
‘No!’ she cried. ‘No, I don’t want to lose you. I love you.’
‘Well, I’m glad.’ His voice was a little warmer
. ‘I love you too. But I don’t understand why you want to punish yourself for something that happened so long ago. What if she’s bluffing? What if she doesn’t know anything?’
‘But I know.’
He sighed. ‘You’re really going to do this, aren’t you?’
‘I have to.’
‘Do you want me to come? I could go with you.’
Layla was tempted. Maybe she could bear it more easily with her husband by her side. But the police would want to know her motive, and then she’d have to tell them how Scott had debased her, how she’d been driven mad with the need to find a way out. She couldn’t bear for Cam to hear those details … both for his sake and because she didn’t want him to think less of her once he knew what she’d let Scott do to her. ‘No. Thank you, but this is something I need to do on my own.’
Cam sighed again. ‘OK, if that’s what you want. But please call me afterwards and let me know how it went.’
She promised him she would.
‘FuckSAKE!’ Ella bellowed, and they both laughed nervously.
After she’d spoken to both the children, she was hanging up when she heard the hum of the sliding door. She looked up to see Daniel.
‘Morning,’ he said.
‘Hi.’ She swiped the back of her wrist across her eyes. ‘Sorry, I was talking to the kids. I miss them.’
He nodded, shuffling his feet. ‘Do you want a coffee?’
‘Oh, yes. Thank you.’
He went back inside, giving Layla a chance to compose herself. When he returned with two steaming mugs of coffee and sat opposite her, she gave him a grateful smile. ‘Thanks.’
He took a sip from his mug. ‘Couldn’t sleep?’
She shook her head ruefully. ‘The kids have trained me to get up at six every morning. Eight thirty is a sleep-in.’
‘I remember that stage. Don’t worry, by the time they’re teenagers you’ll have to pry them out of bed with a crowbar.’
‘Revenge.’ She grinned.
‘Layla.’ He looked down into his cup. ‘I’m sorry I told everyone at school about you and Scott.’
‘I don’t blame you. I ruined things for you and Renee.’
‘But what I did made it impossible for you to stay here. Your whole family had to leave.’
She held his gaze for a moment. ‘I didn’t leave because of you, Daniel. In fact, that’s part of the reason I came back. I was the one who—’
‘How on earth are you guys even alive right now?’ came Renee’s voice from the doorway.
The unspoken confession hung in the air. Layla retreated. ‘The power of coffee.’
‘I’ll make you one.’ Daniel stood up.
‘Thanks, babe.’ Renee took his hand for a second as he passed her, then sat down in the chair beside Layla. ‘When are you going to Jodie’s?’
‘Ten.’
‘How are you feeling about it?’
Layla grimaced. ‘Terrified. I can’t possibly make it up to her. Ever.’
‘I know you feel guilty about it, but he was the one who cheated. He’s the one she should be punishing.’
Again, it was on the tip of Layla’s tongue to tell her the truth. Until this morning, her mother was the only one who knew what had really happened that day, but now it felt like a tidal wave inside her, threatening to gush out over anyone who was in her way. She reined it back in. She owed Jodie the truth first, then the police. Everyone else could come after that.
Instead, she put her hand over Renee’s. ‘Thanks for inviting me. I’m really glad I came.’
‘So am I. I’ve always felt bad that I let us drift apart. It all seems so insignificant now that we’ve got our own families.’
‘You don’t need to feel bad. I was the one who stuffed things up for you.’
Renee squeezed her hand. ‘But that’s the thing. You didn’t. Daniel got an apprenticeship here when school finished. We would’ve had to break up at the end of the year anyway. And I know he didn’t kiss you … we had a discussion about what to do, and decided we’d go our separate ways and see what happened when I finished uni.’
‘And you came back.’
Renee smiled. ‘I came back. And if I hadn’t got the job in Victor, he would’ve come to Adelaide. Daniel and I, we were inevitable.’
‘That’s what Shona said,’ Layla mused.
‘What did Shona say?’ Their friend appeared, coffee in hand, her eyes still bleary with sleep, and plonked into one of the chairs.
‘About these two star-crossed lovers overcoming all obstacles to be together,’ Layla said.
Shona stuck her finger in her mouth and pretended to gag. They all laughed. Then she clasped her hands behind her head and stretched languidly. ‘So, Katrina was weirdly nice, wasn’t she?’
‘You sound disappointed,’ Layla said.
‘Well, you go through your life expecting some things to never change, and the next minute the school bully is lovely and the nice girl is a judgemental twat. When the hell did Glasswater Bay become so bloody unpredictable?’
‘You’re the one who’s been off in London all these years and you haven’t changed a bit,’ Renee said.
‘I’m choosing to take that as a compliment,’ Shona said primly.
‘So you should,’ Layla said.
‘Do you think you’ll ever come back?’ Renee asked.
Shona’s usually brash expression slipped. ‘You know, I love living in London, but this weekend is the closest I’ve ever come to considering moving back to Australia. I’ve got friends there, I’ve got a career, I’ve got an apartment. I’ve even got a friend with benefits who has an outside chance of becoming more than that.’ Layla gave a low whistle and Shona grinned. ‘But I’ve never had a connection with anyone there like I have with you guys. Our roots go deep. I miss that.’
‘Me too,’ Layla and Renee said together.
Daniel came back out with more coffee and gave a mock groan. ‘Jesus, are you lot crying again?’
THEN
I kept my head down when I walked into school on Monday, but the laughs and the sneers and the taunts followed me everywhere. Even those who hadn’t been at Bruiser’s party had heard about my exploits by recess. No one spoke to me. Not even Shona. It was the last week of school before final exams started, but the idea of getting through five days of this was unbearable.
After Scott had finished with me on Saturday night, he’d dropped me home. I’d left all my stuff at Renee’s, including my keys, so I’d snuck down the side of the house and in through the laundry, which Mum and Dad always left unlocked. Somewhere along the way I’d lost one of my shoes, and I clutched the remaining one as I tiptoed down the hallway. I’d almost made it when Mum appeared in the doorway of her bedroom. She’d switched on the hallway light and gasped as she took in my appearance.
‘What happened?’ she said. ‘I thought you were spending the night at Renee’s.’
Finally, the tears came. ‘We had a huge fight. She hates me.’
‘Oh, Layla.’ Mum stepped forward and I fell against her. ‘You’re clearly quite drunk, and people have all sorts of arguments when they’ve been drinking. I’m sure everything will be OK by Monday.’
But it wasn’t OK. When I’d tried to call Renee last night, she’d refused to come to the phone, and she hadn’t even shown up at school today. Daniel was there, but the few times I’d caught glimpses of him, his face had been stony. When the bell went at the end of the day and I walked out of the school gates towards my car, small knots of students were standing around chatting. Those who spotted me whispered and laughed.
My car was parked down below the oval, and as I drew closer I saw three Year Eleven girls huddled around it. They didn’t see me coming and so I was almost among them when one of the girls finished spraying SLUT across the windscreen of my car with shaving cream.
‘Apparently, she had sex with three different guys on Saturday night!’ one of them said. ‘Three, can you imagine?’
‘I heard s
he’s been doing it with Scott Telford for, like, months,’ another said, and the other two shrieked.
Horror clenched in my chest. Was Renee taking revenge on me by telling everyone my deepest, darkest secret?
‘You should write “home wrecker” on the back windscreen!’
I stepped forward and yanked the can of shaving cream out of the first girl’s hand and hurled it onto the oval. ‘Get the fuck away from my car.’
They all gasped with shocked laughter and backed away as I opened the car door and got in.
‘Sucked any dicks today, Layla?’ one of them yelled as I started the engine.
I blinked through the tears of useless, humiliated rage, trying to see past the back-to-front letters that branded the windscreen as I roared away.
*
I drove straight to Renee’s place and knocked on her door, tears still running down my face. She mustn’t have been expecting me, because she opened the door straightaway.
‘Go away, Layla.’
‘Can I talk to you?’
She crossed her arms over her chest. ‘I’ve got nothing to say to you.’
‘Seems like you had plenty to say to everyone at school though.’ I gestured to my car on the street. The shaving-cream letters had run into one another in the wind, but there was no mistaking what they said.
Her expression wavered a little as she followed my gaze. ‘Yeah, well. I didn’t say anything to anyone. But what did you expect, Layla? You brought this on yourself.’
I wanted to bring up the boys she’d slept with over the last couple of years, ask why I was being punished for losing control once, ask why she hadn’t been there when Bruiser had me on the couch, semi-conscious, but I knew all the reasons why already, and they all led back to my own stupid choices. ‘Apparently, there’s a rumour going around about me and Scott. You and Shona were the only ones who knew, so I guess I have you to thank for that.’
She blew out an exasperated breath. ‘You told Daniel, you idiot. I guess he’s still pissed off after you tried to jump his bones.’
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