‘I can’t believe it’s the formal already,’ Renee said.
‘I can’t believe how amazing you look.’ Daniel put his hand on her leg, and they exchanged a smile.
Shona looked at me and pretended to stick her finger down her throat, and we both giggled.
*
The dinner before the formal was fairly dull; obviously, there was no booze, and everyone was too keen to get to the main event to eat much. Renee and Daniel spent half the time snogging while the teachers weren’t looking, and Shona and I casually riffed off each other until it was time to go.
‘I bet you twenty bucks Jason and Katrina break up tonight,’ I said.
‘You’re on. There’s no way Katrina’s gonna sully her precious high school memories with a break-up.’
‘We’ll see.’
The formal itself was mostly fun, though the music was terrible. Shona coughed up when Jason had a very public fight with Katrina on the dance floor and she stormed off, but my mood began to dip towards the end when the slower songs came on and all the couples started swaying together. How ridiculous I’d been to invite Scott to this. No wonder he’d laughed at me. And yet, watching my classmates made me realise that I still wanted it, that I could’ve had it if I hadn’t kept on with Scott. Two boys had invited me and I’d thrown it back in their faces. Rasheed had come without a date too; he sat on the other side of the room by himself, watching everyone else like I was. I stood up and went over to him.
He looked startled when I approached his table. ‘Hey, Layla. Having a good time?’
‘Not really. Do you want to dance?’
He studied me, as if trying to decide whether I was playing a trick on him. Or maybe he wanted nothing to do with me after the way I’d treated him. ‘OK.’
He stood up and we went out onto the dance floor. ‘Eternal Flame’ by The Bangles was playing, and I almost laughed out loud. If this was a high school drama, this would be the moment the two of us realised we liked each other, and we’d kiss for the first time. Except this was Rasheed, and we’d already kissed, and the last time I’d seen him I’d called him a pathetic virgin loser. He put his hands on my waist and I put mine on his shoulders. We avoided each other’s eyes as we tried to find a rhythm that would maintain the distance between our bodies.
‘Your boyfriend couldn’t make it tonight?’ he said eventually.
‘We broke up.’
‘Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.’
We danced for a bit longer, and it began to feel less awkward. His hands were warm on my waist, and I started to feel even worse about the way I’d treated him.
‘Rasheed … I’m sorry about what I said the other week. It was nasty, and I didn’t mean it. You’re not a loser. You’re a good guy.’
He smiled a little. ‘It’s OK.’
‘No, it’s not. I don’t want you to think that’s how I treat people.’
‘I don’t think that. You’ve always been nice to me. You’re a good person too, Layla.’
His words gave me a rush of gratitude. After the last few months of Scott making me believe there was something wrong with me, to hear someone tell me I was good … well, it felt good. And I don’t know, maybe it was the corny music, but I started to feel quite affectionate towards Rasheed. Maybe I could have my high-school-movie moment after all. I moved my hand to the back of his neck and pulled his head gently down to mine. His lips were soft and light and not at all like our last encounter. I moved in closer to him and opened my mouth a little, but he raised his head and took a step back, his hands still on my waist.
‘I’m sorry, Layla.’ His face coloured as he searched for the right words. ‘I like you a lot, but I think we should just be friends.’
The embarrassment burned in my throat. My fall was complete. I’d been rejected by the geekiest guy in school, at the formal, no less. ‘Sure, no worries. Probably a good idea. Um … I’m just going to …’ I left the dance floor and went over to where Shona stood, talking to Jason. ‘Are we going to Bruiser’s party after this? I need to get wasted.’
NOW
‘I can’t believe Rasheed is gay,’ Shona said as they walked down the centre of the road on the way back to Renee and Daniel’s place.
‘Must have been kissing Layla at the social that did it,’ Daniel said.
Layla looked at him in surprise, but he was grinning, and she realised he was joking. ‘Bugger off!’ She laughed.
‘Actually, I feel a bit guilty,’ Daniel went on to no one in particular. ‘I used to call him a poof. God, I was such a dickhead in high school.’
‘We all were,’ Shona said.
‘There’s no excuse for some of the things we said to him,’ Layla said. ‘But he seems really happy now. It didn’t damage him.’
They walked in silence for a few minutes. The air was still and warm. It pressed in around them in a way that felt intimate rather than claustrophobic. Layla’s mind felt still too. She was nervous about talking to Jodie in the morning, but there was no fear anymore. She could barely remember the last time she hadn’t been afraid.
‘We should go to the beach tomorrow,’ Shona said after a while. ‘When we’ve got over our hangovers.’
‘I’m going to see Jodie in the morning,’ Layla said. ‘And then I’m going straight home from there.’ She was surprised by the melancholy she felt at the thought of leaving Glasswater Bay so soon.
‘Hey, why don’t you stay another night?’ Renee said. ‘It’d be nice to catch up for a bit longer.’
‘I don’t want to …’ Layla glanced at Daniel, then away. ‘Thank you, but I’d better get back.’
‘No, Renee’s right.’ Daniel gave Layla a quick smile. ‘You should stay another day.’
THEN
Bruiser wasn’t the brightest kid in school – this was his third attempt at passing Year Twelve – but he was renowned for his parties, and being a couple of years older than the rest of us, they were always stocked with plenty of alcohol. There were kegs of beer, pre-mixes, spirits, even a few bottles of wine he’d probably raided from his parents’ collection. The music was already pumping when we walked in, and my mood lifted.
‘Let’s peruse the menu.’ Shona led me over to the drinks table. Renee and Daniel were already ensconced on the couch in the dining room, kissing.
‘Let’s have vodka,’ I said. ‘It’s quicker.’
‘Amen, sister.’ Shona poured us both generous serves of vodka into plastic cups, then splashed in some Coke.
We drank and danced and chatted with our classmates. It seemed like the music was alive in my body; I couldn’t stop dancing. Shona and I started shimmying up against each other, and there were cheers and wolf whistles from around the room. The guys who hadn’t already coupled off drew closer. I felt as if I could have anyone in this room I wanted.
Anyone.
Jason stood nearby, watching us – no, watching me – and I crooked my finger at him. He came over and I put my arms around his neck and moved in close, pressing my body against his. He put an arm around my waist and drew me in tight. He’d stripped off his tuxedo jacket and I could feel the damp warmth of his body through his white shirt. The song ended and he murmured in my ear, ‘I think you need another drink.’
By the time he came back, there were two other guys trying to take his place while I cavorted around them, but he muscled in and raised a yellow plastic shot glass to my lips. ‘Black sambuca,’ he said, and I threw my head back and let him tip it into my mouth. It burned down my throat like aniseed fire, sending a shot of energy straight to my heart. I coughed and laughed at once. He threw his own down then hurled the plastic cups across the room and bent his head to kiss me. His mouth tasted of aniseed; his tongue curled around mine. I closed my eyelids and lights still danced behind them. My head was spinning, but the effect was exhilarating, like I was flying. His hands closed around my buttocks. I could feel his erection pressing against me and I rubbed against it, teasing him, then moving away. After being used
by Scott for so long, it was intoxicating to be in control. He’d do anything I wanted; I knew it.
We left the dance floor and downed another couple of shots before moving into the adjacent room. It was empty other than one other couple kissing enthusiastically on one of the couches. They didn’t even look up when we walked in. There were no lights on, and the room was shadowy and dark. Jason led me over to the other couch and we half fell onto it, laughing. My vision had blurred; everything looked black and white, but my other senses seemed heightened. The music from the next room swirled inside me. We kissed for a long time, until it felt like we were joined. His hand was on my thigh, moving up, and I unbuttoned his pants and slipped my hand inside.
‘Do you have a condom?’ I asked as I stroked him. My head was swimming and I felt dizzy, but I wanted to conquer him.
‘You want to do it here?’ He looked bewildered, glanced over at the other couch where the couple were still locked in each other’s embrace. But I could see his excitement too.
‘Why not?’ I said with a sardonic smile. ‘We’ll all be out of this town soon anyway.’
‘I had no idea you were like this,’ he said as I straddled his lap and covered us with my dress while he rolled the condom on.
He groaned as I lowered myself onto him, but there was a void inside me, and I felt nothing. I rode him hard, trying to make it feel real, but everything was numb now, like I was made of liquid and would wash away. The room was spinning so wildly I could hardly see his eyes as he held onto my waist. And I wanted to see his eyes; I wanted to see how I could make them change just with the power of my body.
And then it was over, and he was gasping into my ear, and suddenly his animal sounds repulsed me. I climbed off and plonked down on the couch beside him as he pulled the condom off and dropped it on the floor with a splat. I felt like I was going to throw up.
‘That was awesome.’
I couldn’t even look at him. I was sickened by what I’d just done. ‘I need another drink.’ I wriggled my knickers back up and returned to the other room. Someone was pouring out more shots of sambuca at the drinks table, and I downed two of them, one after the other. The alcohol dulled my senses further, providing a fuzzy cushion that suddenly made the whole episode seem incredibly funny.
‘Hey, Layla, maybe you should slow down a bit.’ Renee’s face swam in front of my eyes.
‘What? I’m totally fine!’ I put an arm around her shoulders. ‘Have a shot with me, bitch.’
‘How about you have some water instead?’
I rested my head on her shoulder. ‘You’re so nice, Renee. So niiiiice.’
‘And you smell like liquorice.’ Her voice was amused.
‘You’re wasted, man. What’ve you been up to?’
I laughed. ‘I totally just rooted Jason in the next room.’
Renee moved away from me and stared at me in shock. ‘Are you serious? That’s not like you.’
‘Why does everyone keep saying that? It’s not like I signed some contract promising to be the good girl forever. Why aren’t I allowed to have some fun?’
But it was coming back again, that horrible feeling. Renee’s brow was furrowed, and I followed her gaze to where Jason stood with a bunch of guys. They were all laughing and fist-bumping him and glancing over at me, and as I looked around, I realised the story was already rushing through the room like a bushfire. Eyes stared back at me, some baleful, some curious, some amused. Before I had the chance to react, Katrina was storming up to me, her pale face livid.
‘We only just broke up and you’re already screwing him?’ she shouted. ‘In front of everyone? What kind of person does that?’
The alcohol pumped through my bloodstream, fiery and hot, and my shame hardened, transformed into the meanness that had been coming out more and more regularly. All through high school, I’d been intimidated and taunted by this girl based only on a pointless hierarchy. But school was almost over and the hierarchy was bullshit. She didn’t matter anymore; she never had. I brought my face up close to hers. ‘You know I was the one he really wanted, right? He only asked you to the formal because I turned him down. It’s not my fault you couldn’t satisfy him.’
She glared at me, her icy-blue eyes wide. ‘Slut!’ she spat, then wheeled around and stalked away, teetering a little on her stilettos.
‘Bitch!’ I yelled after her. I turned back to Renee with a laugh, but she wasn’t smiling now. She looked worried.
‘Maybe come and sit down for a while,’ she suggested. ‘Sober up a bit.’
‘Nah, think I’ll go and dance again. Join me?’
‘I really think you should have a break. You’re not acting like yourself.’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Go and be boring with your precious boyfriend, then.’
Her face fell, but I didn’t wait around for more of her judgement, just strutted back onto the dance floor, waving my hands over my head. The girls who were there drew away from me with disdainful expressions, but the boys … the boys came in closer. I tipped my head back and smiled up at the ceiling as it spun over my head. There were hands on my body and I had no idea whose they were, but it didn’t matter. They wanted me. They all wanted me.
Then someone’s arms were around me and I tried to focus on his face, but everything was so blurry that I couldn’t make out any features, and now he was kissing me and his hands were all over me, and I wasn’t sure where he ended and I began. He took my hand and led me into that shadowy room and he lay me down on the couch and I couldn’t see or feel anything and the world was spinning wildly and there was this vague feeling of wrongness in my head. Then his weight was pressing me into the couch and his fingers were inside me and his breath was foul on my face and I wanted to get up and run but I was so, so tired and I couldn’t resist or fight or even move.
Then, ‘Get off her!’ came Shona’s voice and the light came on and his weight disappeared. I lay on the couch, my dress up around my hips, blinking at the fuzzy shape of my friend. She helped me sit up and rubbed my back. ‘What were you thinking going off with Bruiser? He’s disgusting.’
‘Bruiser?’ I laughed, but beneath my amusement a tornado of horror was building inside me. ‘That was Bruiser?’
‘You didn’t even know who it was?’
I giggled. ‘I’m so drunk.’
‘Come on.’ She took my hand and pulled me to my feet. ‘Let’s get you some water and something to eat.’
‘Eating’s cheating, Porter.’ I weaved behind her as she led me out of the room and into the dining room, where Daniel sat on a low brown couch against the wall.
‘Where’s Renee?’ Shona said.
‘In the bathroom.’ Daniel gestured to me. ‘What’s going on with her?’
Shona sighed. ‘She’s fucking paro. Can you look after her for a minute while I go and get her some water?’ She deposited me on the couch beside him and disappeared.
I rested my head on Daniel’s shoulder. ‘My feet are killing me.’
‘Why don’t you take your shoes off?’ he said.
‘Too tired.’
‘So you’re pretty trolleyed, hey?’
I looked up at him with a smile. ‘How can you tell?’
He smiled back. ‘Lucky guess.’
I snuggled back into his shoulder. He felt warm, solid, dependable. ‘Sorry to hear about your uncle,’ I said.
‘What about my uncle?’
‘The cancer. How long’s he got left?’
He shifted away from me so I had to straighten to look at him. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘Jodie’s dad. Scott told me he had terminal cancer and that’s why he couldn’t leave her—’ I stopped abruptly. Of course. Of course. I was such an idiot. I covered my eyes with my hands. ‘But he was lying to me, wasn’t he? He’s been lying to me all along.’
‘Layla.’ Daniel’s hands were on my shoulders. ‘What are you saying?’
What was I saying? The whole night had contracted into a thick fog, and th
ere was a weird buzzing in my head. I needed to sleep, but the warmth of Daniel’s hands seeped into my shoulders, and it was so nice to be touched by someone. He was the first boy I’d ever liked, the first one I’d pined over, and suddenly that felt really important. Why hadn’t I made a move on him way back before I’d got involved with Scott?
I dropped my hands from my face. Daniel was looking at me with such intensity, and I needed something that was real and pure. I touched his chest and leant in to kiss him.
His expression changed to panic. He turned his head to the side and shrank away from me, and with a lightning bolt of shock I realised the unforgivable mistake I’d made. But it was too late, because Renee was in the room and the look on her face cut straight into my soul. I scrambled to my feet and my stomach lurched.
‘Renee.’ Daniel’s voice was desperate. ‘I didn’t do anything, I swear. It was her. She—’
‘I thought it was different with you,’ Renee said. ‘I thought you liked me.’
‘I do.’ He got up and tried to embrace her, but she backed out of his reach, holding up a hand.
‘I can’t look at you right now. Just go.’
He threw a bitter look at me. ‘Skank!’ he muttered under his breath as he left the room.
When I turned to Renee, there were tears in her eyes. Everything felt out of control. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t know what I was doing.’
‘Don’t you dare use alcohol as an excuse.’ Her voice wavered. ‘I never thought you’d do something like this to me. When did you turn into such a slut?’
The events of the night closed in on me. ‘I just wanted to feel something. I don’t mean anything to anyone.’
‘You meant something to me. You were my friend.’
‘What do you mean were?’
‘I really liked him, Layla. You’ve destroyed everything. Don’t speak to me again.’ She turned away.
I grabbed at her shoulder. ‘Renee, please! I didn’t mean it!’
She shrugged me off. ‘Go home, Layla.’
And she walked out of the room. Shona stood in the doorway, looking at me in utter shock and dismay. After a second, she turned and followed Renee.
The Girl She Was Page 24