The Girl She Was

by Rebecca Freeborn

  I remembered my drunken rambling to Daniel and raised a hand to my mouth. She was right; I was an idiot.

  ‘Anyway, it was only a matter of time before everyone found out about it,’ Renee said. ‘Small town and everything.’

  I stared at my feet. ‘So, you and Daniel are still together?’

  ‘We broke up yesterday.’

  ‘But he didn’t do anything wrong,’ I said. ‘It was all my fault.’

  She shrugged dispassionately. ‘He’s staying in Glasswater next year. I’m going to uni. So I guess you saved us the trouble of breaking up in a few months.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Renee.’

  She didn’t say anything; just hugged herself tighter.

  ‘Can I come in?’

  ‘I told you, I don’t want to see you anymore.’

  Desolation rose within me. All through the horrible aftermath of the party and the school day, I’d been counting on being able to get her back. I’d thought our friendship could withstand anything, but she looked so cold now, as if we’d never meant anything to each other. ‘But what about the share house next year? We had it all planned.’

  She scoffed. ‘You should’ve thought about that before you came onto my boyfriend.’

  ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you,’ I said. ‘Please don’t hate me.’

  ‘I have to go.’ She bent to pick up my bag from the floor, then held it out to me. ‘Here, take this.’

  Then she stepped back and closed the door.

  *

  I trudged slowly towards the school gates the next morning. This was the last place I wanted to be, but I had nowhere else to go, nothing to do except study for exams next week. There was only blackness in my mind.

  ‘Layla,’ came his voice.

  I stopped and ducked to look at him through his car window. ‘What do you want?’

  ‘Jodie knows about us.’

  I turned this information over in my mind. He gestured to the passenger door. I knew I should ignore him, walk on, go to school and let the barrage of insults bounce off me until the day was over. But what was the point in even showing up? It was the last week. I wasn’t going to learn anything new now. I slid into the car and dumped my school bag on the floor.

  ‘How?’

  ‘Because you left your fucking shoe in my car.’

  ‘Oh. I was wondering where that got to.’

  He shot me a filthy look and pulled out from the kerb. After a minute, I realised we were heading up to The Knob, and I started to wish I’d gone to school after all. The car park was, as usual, empty, the grassy expanse leading up to the granite outcropping deserted.

  ‘Everyone’s going to find out about this now,’ he said.

  ‘I don’t care,’ I said sullenly. ‘I’m leaving Glasswater soon anyway.’

  ‘But I’m not!’ he shouted. ‘How could you be so selfish? First you promised me you’d stay, then you change your mind and decide to destroy my marriage on your way out? You’ve ruined me.’

  I gave a hysterical laugh. ‘I’ve ruined you?’

  He lunged at me and pinned me against the car door, his hand around my throat. ‘Are you laughing at me, bitch? I could kill you.’

  His eyes were full of fury. I knew I should be afraid, but I couldn’t make myself feel anything. ‘Do it.’ His hand had cut off my breath and my voice came out in a hoarse whisper. ‘Go on.’

  He released me and sat back, a shocked expression on his face. ‘Jesus, Layla, don’t say that. Don’t ever say that.’

  I remained hunched against the car door, coughing, as far away from him as possible. He watched me for a minute, then reached out and touched my face gently, and I cringed away from him.

  ‘I’m sorry. You just make me so angry sometimes, pushing me away when all I want is to be with you.’

  ‘You’ve been lying to me.’ My voice was croaky. ‘I know Jodie’s father doesn’t have cancer.’

  ‘What?’ He looked confused. ‘I never said he did.’

  I sat up straighter. ‘You did. You said he had terminal cancer and that you needed to support her through it.’

  He gave a bemused smile. ‘I think you’re getting confused. You must be studying too hard, not to mention frying your brain with all that booze the other night. I said Jodie was fighting with her mum, that’s all.’

  I frowned. ‘I’m sure that’s what you said. That night I met you up here, when I tried to break it off with you.’

  He shook his head, tapped me lightly under my chin. ‘No,

  I told you we had a special connection, remember?’

  Self-doubt clouded my certainty. ‘I remember that, but—’

  ‘Now she knows about us, we can make it official. We can be together.’

  ‘But …’ I faltered. He was so confident, and my memory of the conversation seemed fuzzy and indistinct now. His eyes were soft and loving, and I began to wonder if I’d dreamed up the moment before; his hand around my throat. Maybe I was going crazy. Still, I resisted. ‘I’m going to uni next year.’

  ‘You know you’re not going to find anyone else who loves you like I do. Who doesn’t mind your acne and your big nose and small boobs.’

  My heart withered. Gently, he drew me towards him and lay my head against his shoulder, and I let him do it.

  ‘Stay,’ he said softly. ‘Stay here with me.’

  My mind swung wildly between emotions as he stroked my hair back from my face, handling me with such sensitivity that I thought I might cry. He could be my last chance at real happiness, and after losing Renee, I needed to believe that happiness was still possible.

  He tilted my chin up to look into my eyes. ‘Please stay, Layla. I can give you everything.’

  My soul ached to believe him. If it was all out in the open, if we did it right, maybe it could cancel out my mistakes and fill up this bottomless void inside me. Maybe everyone would stop hating me. Maybe everything really could be perfect.

  *

  My parents were still at work when I got home, but Zach was sitting in the kitchen scoffing down a packet of chips. He glared balefully at me as I got the Coke out of the fridge and gulped some from the bottle. ‘Where were you all day?’

  ‘At school, dipshit.’ But I turned away to avoid his eyes. After Scott had gone to open the cafe, I’d spent the day sitting in the rotunda at the park, flicking through my textbooks and trying to burn the information onto my brain.

  ‘No, you weren’t.’

  ‘What do you care anyway?’

  ‘Everyone’s talking about you, you know. Even the Year Eights.’

  My face went hot. ‘It’s all lies. Just ignore it.’

  ‘All of it?’

  ‘Shut up, idiot.’ I left the Coke open on the bench and went to walk out.

  ‘I’ll tell Mum!’ he called out.

  I raised my middle finger over my shoulder and went to my room. No sooner had I left Scott than I’d begun to question everything again. He hadn’t said when he was going to leave Jodie and what the next step would be. And after Zach had reminded me of the rumours circulating the school – and probably the whole town by now – the idea of staying in Glasswater Bay was even more agonising. I’d split up a family. Even if we lived a respectable life together, people weren’t going to forget that. And though the cafe had been an OK place to work through school and save a bit of money, I couldn’t imagine spending every day there, balancing the till and ordering stock. I still wanted to be a pharmacist. I still wanted to move to Adelaide and live the uni lifestyle before I settled down. Besides, half the people my age were leaving next year. And how the hell was I going to tell my family?

  I was still tying myself in knots when Mum got home. She came to my room and stood in the doorway. ‘Something weird happened at work today.’

  Foreboding twitched in my belly. The parade of residents who visited Glasswater’s only dental surgery were always keen to gossip with the receptionist, so Mum was often one of the first to find out what was happening around
town. I tried to make my voice sound casual. ‘What’s that?’

  ‘Natalie Rogers came in with a broken crown, and when she was paying her bill, she told me I should keep a better eye on my daughter. Do you know what that’s all about?’

  I shrugged even as my heart raced. ‘No idea.’

  ‘And it wasn’t just her. Bob Keen was in for a check-up later in the day and he said he was sorry to hear about what you’ve been up to. What on earth is going on?’

  Panic leapt inside me. How was I going to talk my way out this time? ‘OK, I didn’t want to tell you this, but I kind of wagged school today.’

  Mum frowned. ‘That’s not like you.’

  I looked down at the crosshatch pattern of my bedspread. ‘Renee and I are still fighting. She doesn’t want to live together next year anymore.’ I bit my lip.

  Mum’s head tilted to the side. ‘Oh, Renee’ll come around. You girls have been friends since kindy. I bet she’ll change her mind when the time comes to go to the city.’

  I dared to look up at her. ‘I’m thinking about deferring next year. I could stay on here for a while, go back to work at the cafe and save up some money.’

  ‘Don’t be silly,’ Mum said. ‘We’ll lend you the money if you need it. Don’t put your future on hold because of a fight with Renee.’

  She turned and walked out and I flopped onto my back on the bed. I wasn’t sure which option was worse: staying here with Scott or moving to the city by myself, with no friends.

  NOW

  After breakfast, Layla had a shower and dressed in jeans and a loose shirt. She tried to keep her hands steady as she put on her make-up using the mirror above the dressing table in the spare room. With each layer she applied, she felt calmer, more in control.

  Renee came into the room and perched on the edge of the spare bed. ‘Contouring on a Sunday? You’re keen.’

  Their eyes met in the mirror, but Layla didn’t say anything.

  ‘I wanted to give you these.’ Renee held something out towards her, and Layla turned to see the fan of glossy photos. ‘Mum had extras printed for you. I’ve been holding on to them all these years.’

  Layla’s throat felt thick as she took the photos from Renee and studied them: the bright colours of their dresses, their smiles, their sparkling eyes, the love that shone between them. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Sorry I never gave them to you. I was so selfish, letting one mistake come between us like that. You needed help, and I wasn’t there for you.’

  ‘You are now, and that matters.’ Layla smiled at her, then looked back at the photos. ‘God, I wish I’d known back then how good I looked. And now look at me.’

  Renee was silent for a moment, and when Layla looked up at her, she was frowning.

  ‘Layla … I know we haven’t seen each other for a long time, and I don’t want to overstep the mark here, but from what I’ve seen, you seem to have a difficult relationship with your body.’

  Layla gave her a wry grin. ‘Are you psychoanalysing me?’

  Renee’s expression didn’t change. ‘You bet I am.’

  Layla turned back to the mirror and twisted the lid off her mascara. ‘I’m getting close to forty. Don’t we all have some body image issues at this age?’

  ‘Sure.’ Renee nodded. ‘But being a bit down about our changing bodies is not the same as looking in the mirror every day and hating what you see.’

  Layla started, and the mascara brush streaked across her cheek. She swore and rubbed at the black mark with one finger, avoiding Renee’s eyes.

  ‘When we walked to the reunion yesterday, you checked your reflection in every window we passed,’ Renee went on. ‘And you’ve made numerous negative comments about your looks since you got here. I know you had some self-esteem issues in high school, but this seems different. I think you might have depression or anxiety. Or maybe both. If you like, I can recommend a psychologist in Adelaide who might be able to help you.’

  Layla was silent until she’d finished her make-up, trying to decide how much to tell Renee. She put down the mascara brush, turned around and leant against the dressing table. ‘When I was seventeen, Scott used to tell me I was in my prime, and that my body was all I had to offer. He seemed to know exactly the things I was self-conscious about, and he’d pick at them like a scab until I was so insecure that I thought I didn’t deserve to be loved. And it was no different when I started seeing other people. The guy I lived with – the one who abused me – he used to tell me I was ugly, and I believed him.’

  Renee’s eyes were soft with empathy. ‘I’m sorry you had to go through that. You’re not ugly, inside or out. You deserve love as much as anyone else does.’

  ‘Cam is the sweetest man I’ve ever known.’ Layla’s voice shook. ‘And he loves me. And yet we can’t even have sex with the lights on because I don’t want him to see my body. My own husband!’

  Renee smiled sadly at her. ‘I know it’s easier said than done, but you don’t have to live like this.’

  ‘I just want to go one day without obsessing over how I look and what other people think of me. It’d be simple to blame Scott, but there must be some weakness inside me that makes me feel this way. That makes me so fucking self-indulgent.’

  ‘It’s not self-indulgent, Lay. It’s mental illness.’

  Everything within Layla resisted the term. She wasn’t mentally ill; she was just inadequate. But maybe she didn’t deserve to feel like this. Maybe it wasn’t normal. Maybe she could be free of this constant, dragging burden. She turned back to the mirror and stared at her reflection, at the tears that had tracked rivulets of foundation down her cheeks. ‘In a stroke of irony, now I’ve ruined my make-up and I have to leave in five minutes.’

  ‘Wash it off,’ Renee said. ‘Go to Jodie’s without it.’

  ‘Wash it off?’ Layla stared at her reflection. Even the thought of going out without it made her insides curl up with anxiety.

  ‘She’s not going to notice whether you’re wearing makeup or not. To be perfectly blunt, she’s not going to give a shit about how you look.’

  Layla stood up straighter. ‘No. She won’t.’

  Renee smiled. ‘Try it for one day.’

  She followed Layla into the bathroom and watched as she washed her face in the basin. They both stared at her scrubbed-clean face in the mirror.

  ‘I look shiny,’ Layla said.

  ‘You look new,’ Renee said.

  ‘I can’t do this every day.’

  ‘You don’t have to. I wear make-up too, you know. This isn’t about being a puritan. It’s about accepting yourself, and loving yourself.’

  Layla nudged her. ‘You’ve always been a bit in love with yourself, though, haven’t you?’

  Renee gestured to her face and her body. ‘And why wouldn’t I be? Honestly.’

  They grinned at each other. Layla’s face felt cool and fresh, as if she’d sloughed off an old skin.

  ‘Are you ready for this?’ Renee said.

  Layla took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. ‘Yeah. I’m ready.’

  THEN

  Scott stretched and then clutched at his back. ‘Christ. I’ve been sleeping on the couch for the last few nights and I think I’ve put my back out.’

  We were up at The Knob, sitting on the bonnet of his car. It was a balmy evening, and the ever-present wind was almost pleasant, the salty tang of the sea below dryer and sharper than usual. I was silent. This was the third time he’d indirectly referred to a change in his relationship with Jodie, but now that the thing I’d been waiting for all this time looked like it was finally in reach, I was no longer sure I wanted it. His touch was cloying, claustrophobic. I had to resist the urge to brush him away when he kissed my neck.

  ‘Your arse is getting bigger,’ he murmured, his hands up under my shirt. ‘Pity your tits didn’t catch up.’

  I shrank away from him. ‘You said you liked them this way.’

  ‘Well, sometimes it’d be nice to have something to
grab hold of.’

  I pushed his hands away. ‘Feel free to stop grabbing hold of them, then.’

  He drew back, a look of disgust on his face. ‘You don’t have to be so touchy. I’ve given up a lot for you, Layla. The least you could do is be appreciative.’

  I had the urge to push him, to make him angry out of a dull curiosity to see what he’d do. ‘I’ve given things up too,’ I muttered.

  ‘What?’ His gaze was too piercing, and I had to look away.

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘No, what did you say?’ He put his hand on my cheek and turned my face to look at him.

  ‘I said I’ve given things up too. My reputation in this town, for one thing. Maybe a career.’

  He laughed. ‘You ruined your own reputation with your behaviour after your school formal. That was nothing to do with me.’

  ‘Are you going to bring that up every time you’re angry with me?’

  ‘It was only a week ago. And every time I think about some pimply teenage dickhead putting his hands on you, I want to …’ He clenched his jaw, breathed out hard, then lunged at me.

  I let him kiss me for a minute, but when he became more insistent, I pulled away. ‘I don’t really feel like it tonight. Sorry.’

  He looked like he was trying his best not to appear exasperated. ‘Are you worried about your exams next week?’

  ‘Not really. I feel like I’ve studied as much as I can. I know the stuff back to front.’

  He sighed. ‘So what’s the problem?’

  ‘I’m just not in the mood.’

  He nuzzled my ear, but I couldn’t bear it, so I slipped down off the bonnet and walked over to stand beside The Knob. I placed a hand on it. The stippled surface of the granite still held a hint of the day’s heat. After a moment, Scott came to stand beside me, his bare arm almost touching mine. ‘What’s wrong, Layla? Why won’t you let me touch you?’

  I turned to face him. If I didn’t tell him what was in my heart now, it might be too late to ever get out. ‘I think we should end it.’

  ‘What? Why?’

  ‘I want to go to uni, Scott. I want to get out of this stupid town and live in Adelaide and get pissed in the uni bar and do all that stuff young people do.’