The Girl She Was

by Rebecca Freeborn

  Layla allowed herself a small smile.

  ‘It was only after he’d moved into the home and I could finally think about myself again that all that anger caught up with me. I wanted to punish someone, and when I found you, with your perfect life and your perfect family, I wanted to hurt you.’

  ‘How did you find me? And how did you know about Cam?’

  Jodie looked sheepish. ‘I asked Renee. She said you’d lost contact years ago, but she told me you had a husband and kids. It didn’t take long to track him down.’

  ‘Jodie, I’m sorry,’ Layla said. ‘I really am. Scott may have manipulated me, but I was old enough to know I was doing the wrong thing. And I did it anyway.’

  Jodie gave her a strained smile. ‘He was a narcissist who exploited your youth and used his position of authority to get in your pants. Part of me has always felt bad that I didn’t try to … I don’t know, warn you or something. But at the time, it was kind of a relief when he stopped constantly pawing at me. He was a lousy shag.’

  Layla laughed out loud. ‘That I can agree with.’

  Jodie’s eyes twinkled. ‘The man wouldn’t go down if his life depended on it.’

  They both laughed now. Layla felt lighter than she had in years. She wasn’t to blame. The relief was dizzying. She dragged her attention back to Jodie. ‘Are you … happy?’

  Jodie’s expression cracked a little. ‘I’ve found some happiness. My first grandkid is on the way. I’ve even got a man.’

  Layla raised her eyebrows. ‘And what do the good people of Glasswater Bay think about that?’

  ‘Like I said, things have changed around here. And anyway, most of our so-called friends drifted away after the accident, so they’re hardly in a position to judge.’

  Layla looked up as footsteps approached from outside and a key slid into the lock.

  ‘Oh, that’ll be him now,’ Jodie said.

  The door swung open and shock bolted into Layla. She scrambled backwards on the couch, her heart beating wildly. ‘What is this? What’s he doing here?’

  THEN

  I sped all the way home, my breath coming in panicked gasps. When I reached my house, I was relieved to see Dad’s car wasn’t there. He and Zach must still be at basketball. Mum was the tough one in the family; she was the one I needed now. I ran inside, slamming the front door behind me.

  ‘Where have you been?’ Mum called from the kitchen.

  As soon as I rounded the corner and she turned away from the sink to face me, her hands dripping with soap suds, the full realisation of what I’d done hit me, and I crumpled to the ground. Mum rushed over to crouch beside me, her wet hands clasping my face.

  ‘Layla, what’s wrong? What happened?’

  ‘I’ve done something bad,’ I sobbed. ‘Something really bad.’

  ‘What? What did you do?’

  But I couldn’t answer, could only fall against her, gasping for air as the image of Scott on that stretcher flashed across my mind again. I’d wanted to escape from him, but not like this. Mum held me to her tightly as I hyperventilated into her shoulder, my head spinning with terror. Finally, she held me away from her, her brow furrowed.

  ‘Layla, please tell me what happened.’

  ‘There was a fire at the cafe,’ I said. ‘And I think I … I started it. It was my fault.’

  Mum’s frown deepened. ‘But you haven’t worked in the cafe in weeks. Why would you … Oh.’ Her face transformed as she put it together. ‘Oh, Layla!’

  The disgrace almost knocked me to the floor again. ‘I’m sorry,’ was all I could get out between sobs.

  ‘So that’s why everyone’s been looking sideways at me lately. Fucking cowards couldn’t tell me to my face.’

  I’d never heard Mum swear before, and it jolted me out of my self-absorption. ‘I’ve been so stupid. He told me he loved me.’

  ‘Have you slept with him?’ she asked. I bit my lip and nodded. ‘Christ, Layla.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said again. It seemed I’d been saying those words over and over for the last six months, and I was so, so tired of saying them. ‘Please don’t tell Dad.’

  ‘Why?’ she asked desperately. ‘Why would you start a fire?’

  I clutched at her arms. ‘He said he was going to leave Jodie, but then he changed. Things got out of control. He started hurting me and he … he told me he’d kill me if I left him. I didn’t know what else to do! I didn’t mean to start it … I went back to try to undo it, but I was too late.’

  Her face began to crumple, and she pulled me into her arms again. ‘Oh, my Layla.’

  I’d expected her to be furious with me for my stupid actions, and it was so good to be held by her again. I clung to her for precious minutes before I managed to compose myself enough to speak again. ‘There’s more … Scott turned up after the fire started and ran into the cafe. A beam fell on him … I think he’s broken his neck. I think I … I think I might’ve killed him.’ I broke down into sobs once again.

  Mum’s hand rose to her mouth, her eyes darting from side to side as she thought. ‘Did anyone see you?’

  I hesitated, remembering the figure across the street when I’d left the cafe for the second time. I hadn’t even checked to see who it was. I knew I should tell her everything, but I felt so horrible about what I’d done that I didn’t want her to know I’d been so careless. All I could think about was how badly I wanted her to take over the situation and make it go away. ‘Not until the fire trucks were already there. I saw Mavis down at the beach and she pointed out the fire. By the time I got up the street, there was already a group there.’

  ‘How did you start it?’

  ‘I put a sandwich in the sandwich press and left it on. But I went back ten minutes later and turned it off. I don’t know what happened … it must have still been too hot.’

  ‘OK, OK.’ She tapped her finger against her chin. ‘That’s good. Even if they trace it back to the sandwich press, it’ll look like an accident.’

  ‘You don’t think we should go to the police?’ I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or more worried.

  Mum was silent for a minute. ‘Of course we should, but it was an accident. He’s the one who ran into a burning building. And after what he’s done to you …’ Her jaw worked. ‘But to be sure, I think we should leave. Move to town or something.’

  I stared at her. ‘Really?’

  ‘After the way people have been acting lately, not telling me when my own daughter is in trouble, I don’t have much love left for this town. And you’ll need somewhere to live when you start uni next year anyway.’

  ‘But … but what about Dad and Zach? How will you convince them? You’re not going to tell Dad, are you?’

  She pressed her lips together. ‘Leave Dad to me. Now you go and get yourself cleaned up before they get home. I’ll think about how to handle this.’

  NOW

  Jodie glanced at Layla. ‘What’s wrong? You remember Matty, don’t you?’

  Layla stared at her in disbelief. ‘He’s the one you’re with?’

  Jodie gave her an accusing look. ‘You’re going to judge me now? Really?’

  But Layla’s heart was beating hard at the memory of her confrontations with Matty all those years ago. She raised reluctant eyes to look at her attacker. The years had not been kind to Matty. His face was red, whether from sunburn or habitual drinking Layla couldn’t tell. His belly was rounded, his jeans hanging low on his arse, his beard scraggly. He appraised Layla with watery eyes.

  ‘Laaaylaaa’s all grown up,’ he murmured with a half-smile.

  ‘Oh shut up, you dodgy old bugger,’ Jodie said. ‘Make us more coffee, will you?’

  His face changed when she spoke to him. He ducked his head, a look of momentary embarrassment on his face, and disappeared straight into the kitchen. The kettle started up again before Layla had the chance to turn down a second unwanted coffee. Her hands were still trembling just from being in his presence.

  Jodie
was watching her with a curious expression. ‘I know he’s a bit rough around the edges, but somehow it works. He’s been good to me. He helps me out with money sometimes.’

  But all Layla could think about was how it had felt to be cornered in that alley.

  Jodie frowned. ‘Are you OK? You seem kind of freaked out.’

  Layla met her gaze. ‘Matty groped me once in the cafe. And then he bailed me up a couple of times when no one else was around.’ Her voice dropped to a whisper. ‘He threatened me … I thought he was going to …’ She couldn’t finish her sentence.

  Jodie’s face contorted with understanding. ‘Oh. I’m sorry. Matty wasn’t such a good guy back then. I don’t think he would’ve actually hurt you; he just liked throwing his weight around a bit, intimidating people. I’ll tear him a new one if you want.’

  But Layla couldn’t answer. There was something about this situation that nudged at the edge of her mind, but no matter how hard she tried to grasp at what it was, it kept sliding away.

  ‘He changed after the accident,’ Jodie went on. ‘Grew up a bit. I guess that doesn’t really help you, though. It never really goes away, does it?’

  Layla recognised something in Jodie’s eyes that lived inside her as well. So many women. It was a wonder the human race continued when there were so many reasons to be distrustful and afraid.

  Matty returned to the room with the coffees and handed one to Layla. As soon as he sat down beside Jodie, she punched him on the arm. ‘Ow!’ he exclaimed. ‘What was that for?’

  ‘You attacked her.’ Jodie gestured to Layla. ‘When she was seventeen!’

  Matty rubbed his arm, raised guilty eyes to meet Layla’s. ‘Yeah, sorry about that. I was so far up meself back then I thought I could do anything. I wasn’t gonna … you know.’

  Angry heat rushed to Layla’s face. ‘How was I supposed to know that? I still remember your exact words – I could do whatever I fucken wanted to you right now, and there’s no one around to hear. I thought you were going to rape me.’

  ‘Fuck. Yeah, OK. Sorry.’ He hung his head.

  Layla didn’t trust herself to speak. She gulped some of her coffee, trying to swallow down her fury along with it.

  ‘I was pissed as a maggot that night, and … actually, probably the other times too. I seemed to be pissed all the time back then.’ He scrubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands. ‘Fucken hell. Sorry.’

  Layla stared in astonishment as Matty dropped his head into his hands, his shoulders shaking. His whole body seemed smaller, diminished. This was not the same man she’d once been afraid of. She couldn’t let it go, couldn’t forgive him, not yet, but a tiny spark of sympathy glowed deep within her as Jodie’s hand found his and he clasped it tightly.

  ‘He stopped drinking after the accident,’ Jodie said. ‘With all the shit I had to deal with, I told him he’d have to give up the grog if he wanted to keep seeing me.’

  Matty looked up, his eyes wet. ‘And I did,’ he said proudly. ‘Haven’t had a drink in twenty years.’

  Layla’s mind stumbled, whirred. ‘What do you mean, keep seeing you?’

  Jodie winced. ‘Matty was the one I was going to leave Scott for. But it was complicated. The three of us … we had a history.’

  The image of Matty getting out of the Torana on the Esplanade flitted through Layla’s mind. The backpack he’d slung over his shoulder. The smug smile on his face. Tell him not to worry, I’ll keep Jodie warm at night. The chemical smell that had emanated from him, as if he’d spilt petrol on his clothes. The sound she’d heard just before she’d left the cafe. These individual elements hovered before her for a moment before coming together in a clear image. She stood up from the couch and moved away from them, hand over her mouth.

  ‘It was you!’

  ‘What?’ Jodie sounded bewildered. ‘What was him?’

  ‘Don’t you give me the innocent act after you hauled me all the way here,’ Layla snapped. ‘You were there in the main street right after he was. You’re the one who made him start the fire and then you let me believe all these years that it was my fault.’

  Jodie stood up too, her eyes wide. ‘I don’t know who started the fire! I always thought it was you. I had nothing to do with it, and Matty would never …’ She glanced back at her lover, and stopped dead. ‘Oh, fucking hell, Matty, you didn’t?’

  He seemed to shrink as he gazed up at her from the couch. ‘I just wanted to punish him after he hit you that night. I couldn’t let him get away with treating you like that. I fucken loved you … I would’ve done anything for you.’

  A long, anguished look passed between them.

  ‘Tell me you weren’t trying to kill him,’ Jodie pleaded.

  ‘No!’ Matty stood up, his eyes wild. ‘I hated that fucker, but I wouldn’t have killed him. After he knocked you around, I wanted to take something away from him. How was I supposed to know he’d go in there?’

  Jodie flew at him and slapped at his chest with both hands. ‘Jesus Christ, Matty! We were so close, you fucking idiot!’

  He tried to take her into his arms, but she pushed him away. ‘I’m sorry.’ His voice was wobbly; his shoulders slumped in defeat. ‘I’ve tried to make up for it … I never meant for that to happen.’

  Jodie crossed her arms over her chest and turned away, hugging herself. There were tears in her eyes. Matty was sobbing now. Any last resemblance to the arrogant twenty-something he’d once been disintegrated. He looked old. He looked defeated. Layla could hardly bear to look at him. She no longer knew how to feel about anything. Everything she’d believed for more than half her life had exploded into this wild confetti of nuance.

  ‘Don’t hate me, Jodes,’ Matty begged, his voice cracking.

  Jodie turned back to him, tears streaking her cheeks, and wrapped her arms around his middle. He held her close, resting his cheek on top of her head. The intimacy between them made Layla long to be with Cam. He’d be so happy to find out the truth. And her mother – maybe they could finally bridge the awkward gap that had grown between them for so long.

  After a minute, the two of them moved apart and Jodie’s eyes found Layla’s. ‘I suppose you’ll want to go to the police now.’

  Layla was silent. The rule-following good girl she’d been as a teenager still lived there inside her. Telling the police what had really happened would be the right thing to do. She’d be able to move ahead with her life, her conscience clear that she’d done all she could to right the wrong that she’d thought was hers all these years. But at the same time, it wouldn’t change anything. Scott would still be in a nursing home for the rest of his life. And the fragile happiness Jodie had found would once again be shattered. Matty might end up in jail, and she’d lose the man that she loved in spite of his faults; she’d lose the financial help he gave her. She’d be broke and alone and still tied to the man she’d lost the chance to escape from years ago. Layla had found closure, but Jodie’s wound had been reopened with the discovery that it had been her own lover who’d been responsible for tearing it apart in the first place.

  And as for Matty, he might have been an arsehole once, but he’d turned his life around. Regardless of how she’d despised him at the time, he’d acted out of love – had, in fact, done the exact thing Layla herself had been planning to do before she’d changed her mind. There was nothing to be gained by punishing him further when he’d done his best to make it right ever since. If it hadn’t been for the part she’d played in the whole mess, none of this might have happened.

  ‘No,’ she said. ‘I don’t think I need to do that.’

  THEN

  Zach and I got in the back of the car and buckled our seatbelts, while Dad slotted the last of the boxes into the boot of the station wagon. The boxes of crockery, meticulously wrapped in newspaper, were stacked on the seat in between us, held steady by the press of our bodies. Mum locked the front door of the house and she and Dad stood for a moment, looking at the For Sale sign planted in the lawn.<
br />
  Zach’s sullen eyes met mine over the boxes. ‘I hate you for this.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered.

  ‘Bitch!’ he muttered, turning to look out of his window.

  I blinked back tears. Zach had been furious when Mum and Dad had told him we were moving to Adelaide. He had a solid group of friends here; he’d been looking forward to going into Year Nine next year and no longer being in the youngest group at high school. He’d have to start again at a new, bigger high school, where he wouldn’t know anyone, where he’d have to navigate a public transport system to get there every day, where he’d be the new kid. And it was all because of me.

  I didn’t know what Mum had told Dad, because we never spoke about it directly. But from the way he kept giving me spontaneous hugs, and from the way he sat with his head in his hands when he didn’t know I was watching, and from the way his eyes slid away from mine, I knew that she’d at least told him about my relationship with Scott. He’d called in a favour and managed to score a job at his cousin’s garage in Port Adelaide, and Mum had been applying for receptionist jobs. They’d found a rental in Croydon Park and Zach would start at Adelaide High in the new year. Everything was arranged. I hadn’t had to do anything, other than cry and feel guilty.

  Mum had made a few discreet enquiries and discovered that Scott was in a serious but stable condition. The beam had fractured one of his cervical vertebrae, causing paralysis. It was likely he’d never walk again. The spectre of horror he’d represented had shrivelled to nothing.

  Mum and Dad got into the car. ‘Ready to go, kids?’ Dad said with false cheer. None of us answered.

  I stared out the window as we drove through the knot of streets where I’d lived all my life. I’d tried to call Renee last night, but she’d refused to come to the phone, so I’d gone around to Shona’s instead to tell her I was leaving. It was an awkward exchange, but she’d hugged me before I left and promised to pass on the news to Renee. ‘Don’t be a stranger next year, OK?’ she’d said as she waved from her front door.