Heart of Steel

by Cathleen Cole

  I narrowed my eyes and took in the look on his face. He looked fucking miserable. He might be drunk. I looked at my watch, seven a.m. I looked back at his face and saw fury overshadowing everything now. I shrugged out of my cut and laid it over the porch railing of the clubhouse. He watched me intently. Reaching behind me I pulled my t-shirt off over my head, tossed it onto the porch, and faced him.

  Gunnar glared at me for a minute then his face relaxed slightly before he followed suit and took off his cut and shirt. We moved further away from the porch.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Fuck no.”

  “Is what he said true?”

  Gunnar grunted then lunged.

  Fifteen minutes later when the prez and VP stepped out of the clubhouse they both stopped short on the porch and stared.

  Gunnar and I lay in the dirt on our backs, breathing hard, bleeding just as hard from various cuts. Gunnar already had a black eye. The sneaky fucker had busted my lip. Neither of us had a set of knuckles whose skin hadn’t split open.

  “Jesus, Steel. I told you to get him out of there, not beat the shit out of each other.” Gunnar and I shifted in the dirt so we could see each other and grinned. Then we shot those grins at the guys on the porch. Both men shook their heads and stalked off, Cade mumbling under his breath.

  I stood up and held out a hand to help Gunnar up. “Feel better?” He just grunted. I nodded and slapped him on the back.

  Chapter 39

  Steel

  I looked up from the carburetor I was working on when Cade walked into the garage. He walked over to where I was crouched next to an old Corvette. “Hey.” It was rare for Cade to be anywhere but working at the bar on a Wednesday morning.

  “Hey Steel.” He nodded over toward Riggs’s office and I followed him in. My brother was out on an errand and the other guys were either working the front desk or working on other cars or bikes, so we mostly had the place to ourselves.

  “What’s up boss?”

  “I just got off the phone with Al.” I stiffened. Typically, Al went through Riggs or me for business, since we owned the chop shop here and Al owned the one in California. If he was going through Cade, it meant something was wrong or it was a different type of club business.

  “They were loading up a shipment to send back our way when the feds raided their shop. The Mackenzie's Trucking driver was still there, so they seized everything.”

  “Fuck.”

  “Yeah.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Al wasn’t sure who tipped off the feds. Unfortunately, I think I know who did.” I gave him a curious look, but he shook his head. “I’ve got Riggs on that already. I need you to take Gunnar, Trip, Axel, and Drew and ride out to California and give Al a hand wherever you can.”

  I nodded and then grimaced. “Shit, do you think they’ve talked to Remi or her uncle yet?”

  “Honestly, I don’t know. But I need you to head out to California first thing. We can handle that when you get back, alright?”

  I didn’t like it, but I nodded. Cade was right. We had to get out there and take over Al’s shop, see what needed to be done, bail them out of jail, and handle any of the loose ends for now. Al would do it for us. I’d have to wait to explain to Remi. I knew the feds would speak with her but maybe I’d have some time since they were busy over in California.

  “I’ll go grab the guys now and we’ll head out.”

  Cade and I shook hands before he left. I pulled out my phone and dialed Remi. Glancing at the time I realized she should be in class so I left her a voicemail letting her know I had to go out of town and should be back in a few days. I shot a group text to the guys, letting them know we were heading out, so they’d have time to get ready while I rode back to the clubhouse.

  Chapter 40

  Remi

  I groaned as I woke up Sunday morning. I was not a morning person. I glanced at my phone. I hadn’t heard from Steel since Wednesday morning when he’d left a voicemail saying he had to leave town. It was obviously an emergency, so I had only texted him once later that day to tell him I’d gotten the message and to be safe. I didn’t want to bother him while he was dealing with whatever, besides I had more than enough problems of my own to deal with. Especially today.

  My door burst open, and I yipped in surprise. Ming, Bridget, Anna, and Julie danced in, carrying a huge cake singing, awfully might I add, Happy Birthday at the top of their lungs. I couldn’t help but smile at them.

  “Blow out the candle.” Ming smiled softly at me. I complied and returned the smile. I looked down at the cake and felt tears well up in my eyes. Ming had been making our birthday cakes for years. They weren’t lavish, professionally done, or even the most beautiful. But early on the morning of each of our birthdays, she would bake the cake, gather all of us together, and deliver the cake in bed. The four of us always baked her cake on her birthday as well, although hers usually tasted better than ours. They all came from boxes so we couldn’t figure out why her’s were better.

  “Thanks, guys.” They all gave me hugs and set the cake on the bed. “I thought we agreed to wait on all of this?”

  “We’ll wait on the celebration,” Bridget said, folding her arms in disapproval. “But there’s no waiting on cake. Now, let’s go. We’re having it for breakfast.”

  I knew we were all going to end up feeling sick but followed them down to the kitchen. We spent an hour stuffing ourselves with cake and ice cream at eight a.m. After we all felt sufficiently full and slightly queasy, we split ways to get ready for the day. Bridget hesitated by her door.

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you today?” Her eyes searched my face. My love for her, and the others, about split my heart open.

  “I’m okay, Bridge. I just want to be alone.”

  She sighed but nodded. Hesitating for a second longer she finally went into her room and shut the door. I went into mine and got ready for the one day I wished I could fast forward through.

  Two hours later I parked in front of the older two-story home. I sighed and walked up to the front door to let myself inside. Standing just inside the door I felt my heart shred as memories poured through me. Sunday morning breakfasts with my dad, always waffles with strawberries and whipped cream, before we’d go spend the day fishing on the lake. Him coming to watch my basketball games. Yelling at the five of us girls to turn the lights out during one of our sleepovers.

  Leaning back against the front door I slid down until my butt hit the ground and I leaned my forehead on my bent knees. The memory of the day before he’d died flashed through my mind. He’d been laying in that hospital bed. I’d been so angry at him. He had been trying to go through everything he wanted to be done for the funeral, for the company, laying out how everything would happen once he was gone.

  He’d given up, and I could see it. I had just wanted him to keep fighting, for me, if not for himself. I knew now that it was selfish on my part. He was tired, in pain, and he couldn’t fight anymore. I think the only reason he held on as long as he did was because he wanted to celebrate one more birthday with me.

  I sniffed and wiped my face as I realized tears and, gross, snot was running down my face. I stood up and stumbled upstairs. I went into dad’s room and laid down on his bed, burying my face in his pillows. His scent had long since fled. I’d spent a lot of time here the months after his death. I swear his scent was the only thing that had grounded me in this reality during that time. I’d scared the shit out of my friends and Uncle Caleb. In fact, the only reason any of them agreed to leave me alone today was because I insisted that I would be safe. I’d never tried to actively harm myself; I’d never do that. But falling into despair to where you won’t eat or shower or take care of yourself can be pretty detrimental too, I’d learned.

  I didn’t know how long I laid there, lost in memories, mostly good, some shattering. But suddenly I realized the doorbell was ringing. I looked at the clock and realized it was four p.m. I’d been dozing and
zoned out for six hours. It wasn’t surprising. That was what my life had been after dad’s death. The doorbell was still ringing insistently, so I wiped my face and hurried down the stairs. Opening the door, I started to greet whoever was there, but it never made it out of my throat. Standing on the porch was my mother.

  Chapter 41

  Remi

  We stared at each other silently for a few heartbeats. She looks like shit. Her hair was greasy and short, curly like it had always been but dull and lifeless. She had on skintight jeans, a midriff-baring tank top, and leather high-heeled boots. She was too skinny and the way she was fidgeting I wondered if she was on drugs. I racked my brain and tried to remember if dad ever mentioned her being a junkie. He never spoke about her much so I couldn’t remember.

  “Remi. Baby, it's so good to see you.” Her eyes looked at me speculatively.

  “Hey, Rhonda.” I stepped out onto the porch and shut the door behind me. I wasn’t letting her into our home. I saw her expression tighten but then the look wiped off her face as though it had never been there. She looked around and slid her palms down the thighs of her jeans.

  When she didn’t say anything, just looked around nervously, I lost my patience. “What do you want?”

  She looked up at me. “I was hoping to talk to your dad.” She took a slight step back at the look on my face. I don’t know if it was fury or grief that had shown through more. Since she moved backward, I would guess fury.

  “No one told you?”

  She just blinked at me and I laughed humorlessly at her. “Dad died a year ago today, Rhonda.” I waited to see if the significance of the date would sink in for her.

  She sucked in a breath and I was surprised that she remembered my birthday. Then it was taken away when all she said was, “Darren died?” She sounded horrified, so that was something at least.

  I just nodded. She looked back towards the street and I followed her gaze but didn’t see anything. Frowning I wondered how she’d gotten here. Only my car sat at the curb. That thought left my head with her next words.

  “Could I… come in?” I looked at her incredulously. This was the most I’d spoken to her since I was ten years old and stupidly had given her a second chance. That had lasted a week, then she’d stolen money from my piggy bank, and I’d refused to ever speak to her again. I’d never told dad why, but he’d never forced me to try again with her. Even as a kid I’d known she was a loser.

  “Please, Remi. I… I didn’t know about your dad.” I sighed. I was under no illusions that she still loved my father. But I knew they still saw each other once or twice a year. I owed it to him to help her through this and then I’d never have to see her again. I opened the door and motioned for her to go inside. She glanced toward the road again and then went in. I followed her, closing the door behind me.

  We settled on the couch. She was perched on the edge like she would jump off any second and dart out the door.

  I’d be totally fine with that.

  “How…” She licked her lips. “How did he die?”

  “Cancer,” My voice cracked and her eyes shot up to mine. I avoided them and stared at the wall past her head. I didn’t like being vulnerable in front of this woman, even if she was the woman who had given birth to me. She’d never been my mother. She’d left when I was a baby. There wasn’t a maternal bone in her body.

  “Did your dad…” She paused and picked at her jeans, staring at her lap. I finally focused on her again. “Did he ever tell you why we met every year?”

  “No.”

  Her hands shook. “We always met around this time.”

  Because it’s my birthday and he was probably hoping you’d remember, I thought bitterly. Something told me she never had. I wondered how much disappointment she’d caused him over the years. I watched her and wondered how much of her I had in me? The thought sickened me.

  “Darren helped me out.” Now she met my gaze steadily.

  I frowned. “Helped you out?” She nodded, still holding my stare. “What do you mean?”

  “He helped me every year.” She insisted as if I should understand what that meant. I just shook my head in confusion.

  “He left you money? In his will?” Rhonda asked, barely able to contain her eagerness.

  It dawned on me. “He gave you money,” I said dully. It wasn’t a question. She nodded and looked at me expectantly. “You came here every year, around this time of year,” I sneered, “to take money from him.” She frowned and shook her head.

  “He owed me.” She dropped all of the previous pretenses.

  I stared at her in shock. The look on her face was ugly now.

  “He’d want you to take care of your mother Remi.” She had seen the look on my face and realized she’d fucked up when she’d said that. Now she was trying to manipulate me in a different way.

  “Get the fuck out of my house,” I said with such a venomous tone that she stared at me in shock before fury overrode her features.

  “We had a deal. Your dad and me. You’re going to need to uphold that deal or we’re going to have problems. I can bring a lot of problems down on you and the company, Remi.” She smiled at me as though she held all the cards.

  “What was your deal, exactly?”

  “A hundred thousand dollars.”

  My mouth dropped open. “Dad paid you one hundred thousand a year?” She smiled smugly “Why would he do that, Rhonda?” Her lips twisted into a pout as if she didn’t like me using her name. That was tough shit because I certainly wasn’t going to call her mom.

  She shrugged. “He was a smart man, Remi. He knows that my boyfriend is powerful and that it was better to stay on our good side. You need to realize that too.” She frowned at the defiant look on my face and grabbed my wrist. “It’s not like you can’t afford it. He had plenty of money.”

  “Get. Out.” I wrenched my arm from her grip.

  Standing I walked over and flung the door open. I had to cross my arms over my chest, so I didn’t deck her when she sauntered past. I never wanted to hit anyone so badly in my entire life. Of all the fucked-up days to show up and do this.

  “You have three days Remi.” She held out a piece of paper. I just stared at it, making no move to take it. She let it drop. “Text me when you’re ready to give me the money.” She started to walk down the steps. Halfway down she stopped and looked back at me.

  “You’d better make the right choice honey.” I gritted my teeth at the hollow term of endearment.

  “You don’t know what we’re capable of.” She fluffed her greasy hair then wandered down the path and up the road. I watched for a few minutes to make sure she wouldn’t double back before I picked up the paper and went back inside.

  Chapter 42

  Remi

  I paced back and forth in front of the door a few times, fuming. How dare that bitch come here, to my home, and try to blackmail me? I paused.

  Oh, dad, I thought sadly, why did you give her money? Who was her boyfriend? Not that it mattered. I wasn’t scared of either of them. I crumpled up the paper with her number on it and threw it to the side of the room. The fury bubbling up in my chest made me want to scream. I was pissed at everything. At God, if I even believed, for taking dad. At dad, for dying. At Rhonda, for being a shit person and pulling this bullshit.

  Not knowing what to do with all the anger and hatred in me I did something really stupid. I punched the wall next to the door. Pain flooded through me, drowning out the anger. I grasped my hand and gasped in pain.

  Okay, note to self: never ever do that again.

  I’d seen guys do that a lot and it always seemed to make them feel better. I didn’t feel better, I felt worse and now I wondered if I’d broken my hand.

  Walking into the kitchen, clutching my hand to my chest I went and searched through drawers until I found some ibuprofen. I looked around in some cabinets and paused when I found dad’s stash of liquor. I looked around as though he were going to walk in and catch me. Shaking my
head, I grabbed a bottle of vodka, it only had about a quarter of the bottle left.

  I unscrewed the lid and took the pills with a shot. It was probably a terrible idea but at this point, I didn’t care anymore. I took the bottle with me and after locking the front door I climbed the stairs. Laying back down on dad’s bed I proceeded to drink and look at photos and videos I had of us for the next four hours.

  It was eight p.m., almost dark, the vodka was gone, and I was buzzed. Okay, maybe I was a little drunk. Enough that it seemed like a good idea to go get more vodka. There wasn’t anymore in the house and I didn’t like any of the other stuff dad had here. My hand was still throbbing a bit, and I hadn’t been able to chase away all the ghosts just yet. I stumbled out of the house, remembering to lock up. I wandered up to my car and frowned.

  No drinking and driving, I giggled to myself.

  I ordered an Uber and waited on the porch. It felt like an eternity before it pulled up.

  “Hey lady.” The kid popped his gum. “Where to?”

  I blinked. “Is there a liquor store here?” I couldn’t seem to remember what was around here. I hadn’t spent my childhood frequenting liquor stores anyway.

  He turned around in his seat and looked at me. “No. But there’s a bar just a few miles up the road. Want me to take you there?”

  I nodded, and he pulled out onto the road. I leaned my head on the headrest in the back seat and closed my eyes. The car jerked to a stop, startling me and I blinked at the driver. I must have dozed, although it felt like I had only closed my eyes for a minute.

  “Alright, here you go.” I could tell he wanted me out of the car. I thanked him and got out. Watching as he drove off, I shoved my hands in my jean short pockets then winced and touched the tender, split knuckles on my right fist. I sighed and decided another drink would fix that.