AshesAndBlood

by Katie Zaber

  Will they celebrate and rejoice that I want to overthrow my father or will they become frightened, left in the dark, unsure what the king plans next? I ruined their plans. My only hope is Ern, Gena, and the people of Barne will find a rebel hideout and speak to the main leader, telling them of my goals.

  Slowly, we pry ourselves off the floor. The couple minutes of sitting on the hardwood floor have been the only rest we’ve had since having lunch with the king. And our night will only get harder. A trek to the cabin, in the dark while the nunda are out hunting, is going to be hard and dangerous. We might not make it and I doubt Mana will let us carry any light. But how can he protect us against a pack of hungry nunda? He can’t.

  As we make our way downstairs, I memorize all the details in the woodwork that Dana had chiseled. Leaf patterns and vines carved into the wood; there’s little left unscathed. All the finishing touches that made this place a home have been destroyed. She built love into what she called a home, if only for a short time. I know Dana. After all the time and work, it must have killed her to leave it in shambles. Condemning it to rot, turning it into an abandoned house.

  Mana collects water from the well while Kilyn and I retrieve towels to clean off the blood. We make ourselves look somewhat presentable in case we’re stopped by a townsfolk or guard. I don’t want Blue to see my face covered in blood. His last memory of me shouldn’t be tainted red. And I don’t want to scare the girls if we ever make it to Brynjar’s cabin.

  Mana and Kilyn stare at the wreckage; they know I had once called this place home. They gaze at the broken pieces of wood and the smashed glass swept into piles as they follow me through the kitchen, pass the cracked shelves and the thrown table, and out of the barn house. We walk into the courtyard. I stop to inspect the brand new shed we had built with a secret storage space for our otherworldly items. It’s now empty.

  I place my hands on the archway before crossing under, saying goodbye to what had become my home. The arch might be my favorite part of the property. It reminded me of arches from ancient cities, adding a certain architectural beauty few houses in Capo possess. The last few steps under the arch, walking between the house and forge, makes me somber. We built ourselves a home to abandon. This place was becoming my home, even if my heart isn’t here. Honestly, I don’t know where it is. I think I lost it years ago.

  I can’t help but think I’m destined never to have a home. That I’m cursed to travel this world or universe endlessly in search of a haven, a place that feels comfortable. I’m not sure what that feels like anymore. After Dad died, my childhood home didn’t have a homey feeling. It was a tense place, filled with pain and suffering. I can’t remember the serenity home once gave me.

  But it’s weird for me, wanting to say goodbye. I have never grown attached to anything or anyone. To say farewell to not only the house we lived in shortly but also to see Blue one last time irks me. I still can’t shake the weird impulse to say goodbye. It feels wrong, unlike me. Like someone else. I have never had these feelings before, or perhaps I did, but didn’t listen.

  I always ignored the butterflies in my stomach when a man looked at me that certain way. And rejected the happiness I felt when lying next to someone I didn’t hate, convincing myself it was hormones, not affection. I told myself that my body had craved the release of tension, never a life partner.

  What changed? Has this world influenced me to the point of considering marriage, or has becoming a halfling changed my biology and my brain into a different version of me? I don’t know what to trust anymore. What’s true, what’s a lie, what’s an exaggeration? I can’t even trust my thoughts or myself.

  It had to be my circumstances. Trapped on an alien planet, my natural instincts kicked in, forcing me to find a good mate, just like the girls. It’s the only choice a woman had in Capo, and I didn’t have options. Plus, Blue didn’t make me anxious. He never wanted to discuss future things like marriage or children.

  Maybe it’s guilt. I feel guilty that he may end up dead because he knows me. Really, everyone I interact with is in potential danger. The king tarred a town because of one man. What would he do to a community that harbored his unruly daughter? Capo is home to hundreds of people. It wouldn’t faze him to kill everyone, especially since humans live here. He doesn’t care for humans. To him, they rank lower than the giftless Fae.

  It’s guilt. I need to warn him, not to see him. None of my exes were ever in a life-threatening situation because we dated. I would give them all a warning if they were in danger. It’s only fair. I may be incapable of relationships, but I never want someone to die because of me. For some reason, my mind flashes back to Yellow Eyes. I’m positive that Mana killed him. Overall, I have physically killed three people, and Yellow Eyes died because of me, so it’s a total of four. He deserved it but still, I had a hand in his death. At least I didn’t kill Kilyn. At least she’s safe.

  Fuck. It hits me like a brick as I see our reflection in a window. One of my greatest fears has become a reality: I adopted a kid. Kilyn clings onto our hands, Mana and me. It scares her to walk through a human town. She didn’t want to leave the house when I told her who lived here. I told her no humans would be out this late and with our hoods up, nobody should notice us. She seems genuinely frightened. But with the three of us walking down the street, hand in hand, we look like a family. I freed her from my father—I can never abandon her. She has no one, nothing, and I told her I would take her with me.

  The girls had better be at the cabin. I don’t think I can take care of her. I’m not a good role model. Hell, the first human place I’m taking Kilyn is to a strip club. I can’t be a mother. The thought of having children sends chills down my spine, making me dry heave. No child should suffer or be taken from their family, but I under no circumstances want to be a mom. Realizing I’m now responsible for another life, that someone depends on me to teach, guide, and care for them, makes me want to fall over.

  I need Ciara. She would make a great mom and she has the motherly touch. Out of the four of us, I had thought Ciara would be the first to have children. Never me. Sarah never said she wanted kids, but she never said she didn’t. She was too career-driven to think about having a family. Dana wants kids, but at the right time. Ciara was too busy taking care of her parents. She never had time to date, but dreamed of a big family. I wanted to be an aunt and take all their kids to theme parks and carnivals. Fill them up with sugary treats and then drop them off with a big shit-eating grin. I’d send each kid home with their own bag of cotton candy to torment my best friends. Damn, I really miss the girls. With my last shred of hope, I pray that they are still at the cabin. I need them. More than anything.

  My worst fear is my family and friends will be afraid of me and run in terror of what I’ve become. If they do that, I can’t be certain I’ll hold on anymore.

  Mana must sense my ongoing mental battle and tries to catch my eye. There are too many thoughts bouncing around at once.

  I try to settle my nerves and take a deep breath in. “We’re here. I would rather go alone. I don’t want to cause any unwanted attention.”

  Fae don’t live, travel, or trade in Capo. I can’t anticipate the reception I’m going to get. I’m not sure how they will react. It’s a miracle no one stopped us on the way over here. Granted, we had our hoods up, covering our faces and it’s late, but Mana and I are taller than everyone in town.

  Will Blue recognize me?

  Mana leans on a shadowed wall opposite the stairs to Capo’s Secret. “Be quick.”

  “I will only be a moment.” I smile at Kilyn, reassuring her of my return. Her face tenses and she forces a smile. She sits down with her back flat against the wall, looking terrified.

  Walking toward the bar gives me some sense of normalcy. I enjoyed my time in Capo’s Secret, people watching while sipping a drink, waiting for Blue to end his shift. It only happened twice, but it felt good. It made me feel somewhat happy. That doesn’t happen often in life when shit flies a
t you from all angles. I will miss this place. I hope he listens and stays safe.

  Bouncer Sean stands outside with his arms across his barrel chest. His eyes shift to where Kilyn and Manadhon stand. He’s less friendly, even cold.

  He doesn’t recognize me.

  He stands his ground, glaring at me, growing more hostile with each step. “Where are you going?”

  “Hey, how are you? I wanted to check in on Blue. I mean Bill.” I continue until he blocks my path. “Do you remember me?”

  “I don’t know you and don’t know anyone named Blue. Where are you going?” He raises his voice, sounding bigger, stronger, and more threatening than he did a few nights ago.

  “I want to see Bill. He’s a bartender. I’ve been calling him Blue. He calls me Lips. My real name is Megan. It’s been about a week since I last came, but we’ve met. You even flirted with me. You asked me to stay out here with you.”

  He steps back, taking a second look, then it registers. “Lips? Megan? You look… Shit. Wait… Hold on. I’ll get him.” He won’t turn his back on me as he walks backward to the door. He opens it and closes both sets fast, not giving me a chance to slip in.

  Fuck. I must really look different. Will Blue know it’s me? Will he run in horror like Sean, a man once jealous I went home with Blue?

  A few minutes go by before a door opens to Capo’s Secret. First walks out Sean, then two men equal in size and intimidation. Blue walks out behind them, appearing small compared to the burly men. Standing in the door’s shadow is someone else. I can’t see who, but it has a slender body. Perhaps it’s a woman spying on the action.

  “Lips?” Blue sees me, pushing the bouncers out of his way. He stops a couple of feet in front of me, his eyes questioning me.

  “Hi. Sorry. Things have happened and I am changing. I can’t explain. But I wanted to warn you that you’re not safe. You must hide. Immediately.”

  His expression of relief turns sour. “I went by the house. It’s been empty since the night Tristan took me to the hospital and told the doctors he found me stumbling around drunk, talking nonsense. Why’d he do that? What happened?” His eyes drop their focus from my face to my clothing, and he sees the blood. “Are you hurt? Why do you look like a Fae?”

  “No, I—”

  “Megan?” Kilyn squeaks from behind me. “Are they humans?” She has never seen a human before. She still doesn’t know I’m a halfling. She takes a quick glimpse around my back from her hiding spot, taking in Blue and the bouncers. Kilyn is almost the same height as Blue, but her big eyes, cute button nose, and round, full-cheeked face portray her age. Why didn’t Mana stop Kilyn? He still stands, leaning against the wall, unmoved.

  I turn to face her. “Yes, they are humans. They won’t hurt you. Would you like to meet one? Blue is very nice.”

  “Is she a girl… a child Fae?” Sean asks, trying not to look wide-eyed.

  They all stare at her like a mystery. After hearing horror stories, to see an innocent child Fae equally scared of them as they are of her must be a revelation.

  “Yes. She was a slave. I freed her.”

  Their faces change quickly from curiosity to pity. I’m unsure if any of them have seen a Fae child before. It’s obvious that the fact she was a slave unsettles them, even if she is Fae. Slavery is against the law in Capo. They all know it’s wrong, without question. Sean walks back inside and this time, he’s not afraid. He leaves the outer door open but closes the main inside door. Someone still lurks between the two sets of doors.

  Blue closes the gap between us, bending slightly to be on her level. “Hi. My name is Blue, or Bill. You can call me either.”

  She looks uncertain, contemplating escape. “My name is Kilyn. I don’t have a second name. Is that normal?”

  Her childish response helps release the tension, making everyone laugh.

  “No. Not everyone,” I say. “I call him Blue, like a nickname. His real name is Bill.”

  “Oh. My family used to call me Flippers. I was a great swimmer. Haven’t gone swimming in a long time.” Kilyn couldn’t be any more of a child. She might be five feet tall, but she has the face of a child, bright eyes, and is undeniably innocent.

  The door opens and the smell of savory food fills the air. Sean carries a tray of food and drinks, setting it on the wide stone railing. “Here. Looks like you had a rough, tough, long day. You need to keep a full belly to keep you strong and healthy.” He talks to Kilyn as an uncle would.

  Three hot steak sandwiches, one for each of us, smothered with cheese and sautéed vegetables sit on the tray with a plate of cookies, three cups of water, and two cups of spiced wine for Mana and me. He has just joined us, no doubt captivated by the aroma. There’s even a bottle of spiced wine on the tray. Unopened. Why did Sean get us food? Does he see three people in tatters on the run and needing help, or something else?

  Kilyn looks at me, as if asking permission to eat.

  “If you don’t eat it, I will.”

  In minutes, we consume the sandwiches, but I still want to talk to Blue alone. I take my wine and grab a cookie, asking Kilyn and Mana to give us some space.

  Blue looks confused, but still pissed, and rightfully so. I didn’t know Tristan told the doctors he was drunk. I can understand why, but it’s rude to have his word discredited. The last thing I want is Blue gaining the reputation of Capo’s crazy drunk. I motion for him to join me on the last step farthest from everyone but close enough to the bouncers, giving us a little privacy.

  “I didn’t know you were in the hospital. Didn’t know Tristan said those things. It wasn’t right. He shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”

  His blue eyes sparkle. They drown in emotions, mostly hurt and confusion.

  “I was taken the night of the tornado/earthquake. It’s still unclear what happened that night. They shouldn’t have treated you that way, but I believe they did that to protect you.”

  “Who took you? The same guys that tried before?” He inches closer, upset they took me and he didn’t know, grabbing my hands.

  “Different ones. I can’t tell you more. It’s the same reason they came up with the drunken story. The more you know, the more dangerous it is for you. Things are changing. I’m changing.” Tears swell up, but I won’t let them drip. “Too much. There’s too much happening. I’m on the run. You better do the same, or at least find somewhere to hide.”

  “I’ll come with you. Help you, take—”

  “You can’t. It’s too dangerous. Look at me. You know what I am. I’m Fae. My life is spiraling out of control, and I’m not taking you down with me. Plus, I have a bodyguard and Kilyn,” I say, adding a smile. “I’ll be fine.”

  “What? How?”

  “No more questions. The more I discover, the worse it gets. It will be the same for you. Hide, run away, and take care of yourself. Please,” I beg.

  “Let me come with you.”

  “No. I need you safe. I need you to stay alive.”

  He laces his fingers through mine while he takes in the new me. I’m still wearing my riding habit, covered in mud, ash, blood, and whatever else disgusting muck. It must be extra weird to see me change so fast, to grow almost a foot in less than a week, besides being covered in gore.

  “I can’t imagine what you went through.” Blue holds my hands tight, giving them a squeeze. “Well, at least I can brag about having sex with a Fae. From the looks of it, royalty? You sure I can’t come? I could be your royal concubine.”

  I wish he could. “That would be nice, but unfortunately I won’t have time for romance. Mud, blood, and other foul things are my destiny. It won’t be fun or glamorous, by any means.”

  “Being with you is,” he says, cupping my cheek. “Looking at you is. Let me come.”

  I pull my head out of his tender touch. “It would be your death. I’m certain it’s theirs and mine. We’ve known each other only a short time. I’m not worth it. You’ll find someone better, have a family, and live in peace. Take car
e of yourself. Protect yourself. Live your life for me.”

  I give him a kiss on the check and turn to the bouncers. “Thank you for your hospitality. I won’t forget it. Stay safe. Be on extra alert, things might get chaotic. Keep him safe.”

  The two bouncers I don’t know nod, but Sean gives me a smile.

  We stand up together on the cobblestone street, but before I can turn away, Blue grabs me by the wrist, spinning me around. He tilts me back, placing a hand on my waist, the other behind my neck, and embraces me one last time. A passionate kiss with a little tongue. I lose myself in his hold for the last time. The world stops. No one else exists except us. There are no problems. No worries. There is only bliss while in his arms. Why couldn’t this be my life?

  The bouncers whistle until we part.

  “Goodbye, Lips.”

  “Goodbye, Blue.”

  He lets me go and I turn away as fast as possible. I can’t see him anymore. I need to leave now. The two tears that begin to drip down my face are quickly wiped away before anyone can notice. No man has ever made me so happy, or so upset when breaking up. There was no time to fall in love. I need to keep repeating that. It was survival only. He’s a good man and deserves better. We were delusional, still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, nothing more. If you can even call what we had a relationship.

  ***

  “How late do you think it is?” The trek is taking longer than it did with Kevin, but he knew where he was going. I only know a general direction. The path has the five ring markers carved into the trees, but it’s harder to find them once in the dark forest.