Kiss Me Slow (Top Shelf Romance Book 1)

by Tijan

  “What?” she gasps.

  MS doesn’t have a guidebook. I don’t get to predict my outcome, and I won’t burden her. I knew the day I found out about her sister that I should’ve stopped pursuing her, but I’ve never been able to stay away. She needs to know the truth of what this means for us, but I cannot be the man she pities.

  “I’m not your sister, Heather. Don’t you get it? Don’t you see that I want to be the one who takes care of you!” I yell, frustration rolling off me. Her body goes ramrod straight. I watch the anguish spread across her face, her shoulders slump, and her jaw drop. I say the dumbest thing I could. “Just leave.”

  Her eyes meet mine, and then Heather does the one thing I both wanted to happen and prayed wouldn’t . . . she turns and walks out the door without a word.

  I’ve just lost her.

  Agony like I’ve never felt before engulfs me, and I fucking deserve every last bit of it.

  Chapter 26

  Heather

  I lean against the wall outside his door, struggling to catch my breath. I can’t believe he said that. Of all the things that have come out of his mouth, nothing has ever hurt me like him bringing up my sister.

  I’ve never looked at him like that. I loved my sister, I cared for my sister, and it’s only been a few weeks since I lost her. I didn’t need him to draw the comparison—I already had, and I was coming to terms with how different this is. He has no idea how much he hurt me. Not just because of the comment, either. I’ve shared everything with him. There’s nothing I keep from him, and yet, he keeps vital things from me.

  Anger sears my veins, and I fight the urge to go back in there and rip into him. Explain how things in an adult relationship are supposed to work, but I don’t move.

  “You okay?” Shera, the nurse assigned to Eli’s room, asks.

  I rub my eyes, hoping I don’t look like a crazy person before righting myself. “Yeah, sorry. I just . . . I need a few minutes.”

  She rubs my arm. “Okay, honey. We’ll keep an eye on him. Don’t you worry. He’s going to be okay, you’ll see, the IV will help, and he’ll be good as new.”

  Yeah, but what will we be? How do we move on from here when he’s pushing me away? I don’t voice that to her, I attempt a smile and nod. “Thanks.”

  My head falls back against the wall, and I close my eyes, trying to think through everything that happened. He had to know what he said would break my heart. Mentioning Stephanie like that was a low blow that I felt in the depths of my soul. She was my entire world, and I never pitied her, I did whatever I could to lift her up. How dare he wound me so deeply?

  But Eli’s never been callous, he’s always been . . . perfect.

  Perfection is an illusion we create to convince the soul to trust. Now that the curtain has fallen, I see how stupid I was. The thing is, I don’t need perfect. I need real because Matt was perfect until shit hit the fan. Then he was gone. But this hurts so much more than that did.

  I need air. I need to think and get control, because if I go back in there, I’m going to lose my shit.

  I make my way toward the front of the hospital while my mind runs in circles. Tears roll down my cheeks as the warm air hits my face. I inhale, hoping to get some clarity, but I find something much worse.

  “Ms. Covey!” My name is being called by a crowd of people all rushing toward me. Flashes of lights go off so fast I can’t see anything around me. Over and over they blind me and create a circle so I can’t move. They scream my name and bark out questions while I try to find a way out of their enclosure. “Is Eli okay? What happened? Is it true he collapsed? Ms. Covey, over here!” There is no time to answer even if I wanted to. “Are you still together? Are you crying? Can you tell us if there were drugs involved?”

  My heart pounds too hard in my chest as I push through them without saying a word. I get back in the safety of the waiting room and release a heavy breath. One more thing to deal with today. God only knows what those photos will look like.

  My phone pings, and I pull it from my pocket.

  Nicole: Hey, don’t want to bother you, just checking in. Are things okay there?

  Me: No, things are definitely not okay. He’s fine, but relationship wise . . . not so much.

  Nicole: I’m sorry. Need me to kick his ass?

  Me: I think I got this. We’ll figure it out or we can both kick his ass.

  Nicole: Regulators . . . Mount up!

  I burst out laughing as I hear her doing her best Warren G impersonation. Nothing like Nicole to bring some humor in when I feel like I’m drowning.

  I dial her number, and she answers on the first ring. “You’re so not okay if you’re calling me.”

  “I need you to remind me that I can handle this.”

  Nicole goes quiet and then clears her throat. “I don’t know what happened to make you question yourself.”

  I tell her about what happened tonight. Nicole listens and allows me to spill my heart. I’m so hurt and angry. I’m also disappointed because I thought we were great. I didn’t know he’d been lying to me and hoping I wouldn’t find out. I’m angry because he hid his symptoms from me, which led to me finding him collapsed in his bedroom.

  “I can’t even get some air because I was assaulted by fucking photographers,” I complain and sink into the chair.

  “Do you want me to come kick some asses? I’ll handle the paparazzi, and then I’ll fuck Eli up for being a douche. I figure you’re done with him so you won’t be upset.”

  “I know what you’re doing,” I grumble.

  “Either you’re going to do it or I need to come and end it for you.”

  She’s insane to think I’d let her handle this. “Stop being an asshole.”

  She lets out a cough that sounds more like a laugh. “You should talk. You’re on the phone with me instead of in there fighting for him. Guys like Eli don’t come around often, and if you’re dumb enough to let him go, then you’re not the fierce woman I’ve admired.”

  “I feel betrayed,” I admit. “Him keeping this from me is a big deal, and then to be so cruel by bringing up Steph.”

  “You should feel that way and be sure to let him know that. But remember what happened to you not even two minutes ago, babe. Eli deals with that day in and day out, he has to protect himself, too. More than anything, you have to decide right now if you’re willing to end things. If the answer is no, then get your tiny ass back in there and fix it.”

  She’s right. I need to let him know exactly how I feel. I knew when I walked out of that room, I’d walk back in. He isn’t the man I’m willing to watch leave my life. When Matt left, there was sadness but also relief. The idea of not having Eli causes my heart to drop.

  I sigh and get to my feet. “I need to go.”

  I’m a strong woman who knows exactly what I want, and it’s him. I’m going to tell him exactly how this is going to work. He doesn’t get to decide this alone, it’s as much my choice as it’s his.

  “I knew you’d do this,” Nicole says with pride. “God help him, because my friend is a badass who doesn’t take shit from anyone. Love you, call me if you need me.”

  “I will. Love you, too.”

  He isn’t going to know what hit him. My life has always been a series of misfortunes, but I’ve never allowed it to define me. I may feel like I don’t have a say in how things go, but I can decide how to deal with them. I’m a fighter, and I won’t let anything stand in my way of the prize.

  After a few deep breaths and an idea of what to say, I stand straight, crack my neck, and march to his room.

  The door opens, and our eyes connect. Eli shifts slightly, and I clench my fists.

  “You talked before, now you’re going to listen,” I demand. I’m determined for him to hear me. I move to the side of his bed and touch my finger to his chest. Our eyes stay on each other’s, and I refuse to break away. “First, you will never use my sister against me. It was a dick move to do after everything I’ve been through the
last few weeks. I will never allow you to hurt me like that again.”

  “I didn’t—”

  “No.” I push my finger harder, silencing him. “You don’t get to talk this time, got it?” I ask.

  Eli nods and puts his hands up.

  “Good.” I ease back a little, still standing, needing the height to make me feel stronger. As much as I try to convince myself I’m going to just say what I need to, the truth is that I’m terrified this could end very different from how I hope it will.

  Eli may decide that he doesn’t want to be with me, and there’s nothing I can do if that’s his choice. However, I’m not going to allow myself to focus on that. I’m steeling myself for the outcome I desire, which is us moving forward—together.

  My eyes close, and once I have my composure back, I continue on, “This situation is nothing like it was with Stephanie. I know you’re not her, but it seems you don’t get that. She was my sister, but she became my entire life when my parents died.”

  “I can’t have you look at me like that again, Heather.” He interrupts, and my eyes open.

  The pain on his face causes me to let him have his say. I’m lost. I have no idea what he’s talking about. During that entire thing, I wanted to make sense of it. All of it. I was focusing on not losing my shit on him, which I clearly didn’t do a great job of. However, I can’t recall whatever he says he saw.

  “I didn’t look at you like anything.”

  He sighs and glances at the ceiling. “You looked at me like you had to take care of me. I know right now my body is a mess, but I’ll work through it. Usually, when you look at me, it’s like you become bright and hopeful.” He pauses. “When you were in here before, it was gone. Instead, I was a problem for you to solve. I watched your eyes go from days in the sun to doctor visits and hospitals. I know your sister was your life, but it was the same way you looked at her.”

  He couldn’t be more wrong. That was not it at all. The fact that he feels that way sends a wave of fresh hurt through me. Why are men so stupid?

  “First of all,” I sit on the bed and rest my hand on his chest. “She was my responsibility. I was her parent for all intents and purposes, not to mention she was practically still a kid when she was diagnosed. I had to be the adult. It’s not anything like that here. You’re a grown ass man with a family that loves and supports you. I was her everything, Eli. There was no family or support system, I was it for her. So, yes, my entire life revolved around fixing or making things better for her. But us . . .” I sigh “It isn’t that way. I want to be your partner. I want you to lean on me and then hold me up when I’m falling. That’s not pity, that’s love. Don’t ever make this a parallel to Steph, because it’s not.”

  He lifts his hand, touches my lips and releases a deep breath. “I’m so sorry, Heather. I never wanted to hurt you like that.”

  I believe him. Eli and I both have a lot of shit in our pasts that will be our demise if we don’t work through it.

  “I don’t think you meant to hurt me, but it did, which is why I needed to walk away before I said something I’d regret.”

  “I thought you left,” he admits with dejection laced in his voice. “I didn’t think you were coming back and that I lost you because of this . . .”

  I shake my head, partially in disbelief and partially in frustration. After all that we’ve endured, I don’t know how he thinks I would be the girl to leave him because he’s sick. There is no choice for me when it comes to him. The day Eli Walsh showed up at my door, he became a part of my world. I fought it, and failed. He’s the other half of me, and there’s no way that I could ever walk away from him.

  Which brings me to my next part of this discussion. He has to see the distinctions in how we are from our pasts.

  “I’m glad you bring that up.” I lean back so we’re not touching. I tend to think more clearly when we have a little distance. “I am not my ex-husband or your ex-girlfriend. I get that you have issues, and I do, too, but it’s completely unfair to expect me to behave like them. Not only did you compare me to Penelope but also you made me Matt in the same breath. I hate her for what she did to you, and if you don’t see the differences, then we should end things now.”

  People like her and Matt don’t deserve a love like ours. Eli has given me more joy in our time together than anyone was able to give me in years.

  Our relationship will be tested, but he has to know I’m not going anywhere. He’s assured me of that more times than I can count. Not only in his words but also in what he’s shown me. Now, I need to give him the same assurances.

  Eli stays silent for a few seconds, and regret rolls off him. “Jesus, I’m just fucking up left and right. I know you’re not her or him. I was pissed off at myself, and I needed to give you the reason to walk away.”

  “Is that what you want?” I ask.

  His fingers wrap around my wrist and he tightens his grip. “No.”

  “I’m glad, because I have no intention of going anywhere. Even if you act like an ass sometimes. I’m not some fan who loves you because I have this idealistic dream of who you are. Love isn’t some word to me, it’s everything. I shared my heart with you, not because I want perfect, but because I want you. When I look at you, I see a life together. And no matter what life throws at us, I’m going to fight for you and with you, Ellington.”

  “Am I allowed to talk?” he asks.

  “No, I have one last thing.” He fights a smile, but it’s probably the most important point we’ve yet to cover. “Don’t ever lie to me again. This entire thing could’ve been avoided if you had talked to me. No lies between us. Ever.”

  “Okay,” he replies, releasing my wrist only to take my hand in his. “I’ll never lie to you again.”

  “You’re going to share with me, Eli. You’re going to have to let me carry your burdens just like I let you shoulder mine. But I’m not going to run from us. I’ve done that before, and you caught me.”

  Eli grips the back of my head and pulls me close so we’re nose to nose. “I’m glad you say that, because as soon as I got control of my legs, I was going to hunt you down, and you weren’t getting away again.”

  No matter what the future throws at us, I want to walk through it with him. I need him so much it’s not even normal.

  “I don’t think you would’ve had to go far,” I admit. “I never left the hospital grounds. I couldn’t do it even though I was pissed.”

  Eli releases me. “Lay with me.”

  “Are you sure?”

  He winces as he moves his legs over, making room. “Come on, I need to hold you.”

  I get on my side, nestling myself against his chest. I rest my chin on my hand and look at him. He smirks. “What are you smiling at?” For the first time, I can’t help but laugh a little. He’s too damn adorable.

  “That you love me and couldn’t leave. I’m glad I made you fall deep.”

  I roll my eyes. “Whatever, you’re just as bad.”

  His smile fades, and Eli takes my face in his hands. “I’m far deeper than you even know. My life didn’t make sense until that night at the concert. I thought I knew what love was, I didn’t have a clue until you. I’ve never been more broken than when I watched you close that door. The pain I felt in that moment isn’t something I ever want to feel again.” Eli brushes his thumb against my cheek. “You’re the strongest, most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I promise that there is nothing I won’t do to prove how much I love you. Forgive me, Heather.”

  I kiss his lips and then rest my forehead against his, knowing we can face the storms ahead of us together. “I forgive you.”

  “I told you before that we could only own tonight, but that was bullshit.”

  My eyes meet his with confusion.

  “I’m going to own all of our days, nights, and every tomorrow.”

  He presses his mouth to mine, and I melt into his touch. The weight that was sitting on my heart is lifted, and I know we’re going to be okay.
>
  Chapter 27

  Heather

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” I ask him as we park in my driveway.

  “You baked me a cake, and I’m going to eat it.”

  Eli was released from the hospital today, and he basically demanded we go straight to my house. He regained feeling in his legs after the first day, and he’s able to walk now with his walker. His doctors reiterated how important it is to stay on track with his medications and infusions, and he claims he understands.

  We’ve spent the last few days making plans and trying hard not to focus on his condition. Matt granted me another week off work, and I’m going to New York with Eli.

  I help him from the car, and he grumbles when I bring the walker out.

  “Don’t gripe, you know you have to use it, Gramps.”

  “You do realize in a week, I could be perfectly normal and be able to kick your ass for that comment.”

  I smile, “I like my chances on outrunning you.”

  He huffs and pushes the walker toward the house. “Thinks she’s all badass because she’s a cop, I’ll show her.”

  I’ve missed this playful, smartass, and horny-as-hell side of him. However, I swear, he tried to get me to blow him in the hospital. That was a fun fight, where I did actually help him a little, however I was not on board with hospital blow jobs. He threatened that if I didn’t, he’d find a nurse to give him a sponge bath.

  No one in that hospital was touching his junk but me.

  We enter the house, and he sits on the couch. “You okay?” he asks for the millionth time. I don’t need to even bother asking what he’s referring to.

  Tomorrow, Eli will hold a press conference to announce his condition along with our relationship. His publicist pretty much demanded we take control of the situation. They took thousands of photos of me coming in and out of the hospital. The constant barrage of questions was out of control. Eli was livid and demanded Sharon get here and handle things.