The Guestbook at Willow Cottage

by Holly Martin

  Thursday:

  I just came by to drop off some eggs like you asked. I am not responsible for the upkeep of the grass on the green; I suggest you write to the council if it offends you so much.

  Nor am I responsible for the squeaky sign to Butterworth Farm or the cold weather.

  My apologies for the pea in the freezer, I must have missed it the last time I cleaned it out.

  I may be uneducated in the gardening department but I know what I like and the purple Buddleia is a beautiful plant that encourages butterflies to the garden.

  There is nothing I can do about the blackcurrant stain in the spare room. The house is open to children and that is something I will never change. Accidents happen and the only thing that I could do was cover it with a rug. Quite why you are poking around under a rug I don’t know.

  As for the prices at the Frog and Rhubarb you will find them more than reasonable when compared with other eating establishments.

  I DO NOT APPRECIATE YOUR ATTITUDE. I THINK YOU’LL FIND THAT WHEN RUNNING A CUSTOMER FOCUSSED BUSINESS SUCH AS THIS THAT THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

  FRIDAY:

  THE CHICKENS WOKE ME UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT SQUAWKING AND MAKING A TERRIBLE RACKET.

  MRS BUTTERWORTH HAS NOT BROUGHT MY EGGS AS I REQUESTED. I HAVE HAD TO HAVE CEREAL FOR BREAKFAST.

  The chickens were both killed by foxes last night hence the terrible racket, they obviously won’t be bothering you again. But that does go some way to explain why they were not so forthcoming in laying their eggs this morning.

  As for the customer always being right I’m sure we can easily rectify this. After this weekend you will no longer be one of my customers. I am never having you back in this house again. You can take your self-righteousness and stick it up your arse.

  **********

  Annie, I’ve just come round to clean after Mrs Applecroft’s rather hasty departure. What on earth has got into you? You’ve been stomping around like a bear with a sore head since Olly left. This is not like you and I’m worried. Mrs Applecroft has been infuriating us both for years and you’ve never been rude before.

  Sophia

  I’ve just looked back at the messages that you and Olly wrote to each other as you wouldn’t tell me what’s going on. I had no idea you two slept together, but then I suppose it was none of my business.

  You can’t leave things like that between you, you’ve been best friends since you were born. You can’t throw away twenty six years of friendship now. I admit the man is being completely unreasonable but he’s still grieving over Nick. Please talk to him. If you can’t be together then at least you can stay friends. You owe him that.

  I don’t owe him anything. Apart from two million pounds. The man is an arse.

  As for Mrs Applecroft, I’m done with being nice to people who don’t deserve it. I invite these people into my home, bend over backwards to make them feel welcome, and when they’re rude I’m just supposed to smile and let them walk all over me. Well no more. Thanks to the arse, I’m in the fortunate position now where I don’t really need the money that these guests provide. If I don’t like them I’ll tell them so. I’m not going to be treated like scum any more, by Olly or by anyone.

  Then you’re in the wrong line of business. I worked in a hotel for five years before I married Albert. Every morning the guests that were checking out always had some complaint, the beds were too hard, too soft, the water wasn’t hot enough or it was too hot. The swimming pool was too small. I had one guest complain that the complimentary champagne we had left in her room tasted like goat’s piss. I did point out that it was complimentary and as such wasn’t going to be Dom Perignon, but she still insisted on compensation, which we duly gave.

  You are lucky that only Mrs Applecroft has found fault in the cottage so far. Maybe this isn’t for you if you can’t face customer complaints.

  Maybe it isn’t. I don’t actually want to do this anymore. Being in Wales with Hetty has showed me there’s a huge world out there just waiting to be explored. I love the beach here, but there are a million beaches out there that I’ve yet to see. Life is short, Lord knows we know that, and I want to get out there and see what the world has to offer before the grim reaper sneaks up on me too. My feet are itchy, they have been for years, but I stayed for my Dad and Nick. My Dad died first, Nick the year after. I stayed here then because of Olly, because this would always be the place he would return home to. But now I have nothing to stay for anymore. Don’t get me wrong. I love you like the Mum I never had, you will always be special to me. I love William too. I just need to do something for me for a while. The next few weeks are busy with the summer clients but when it dies down I’m going to look into selling this place.

  Damned reverse psychology. I was only saying that because the feisty Annie I know and love would have tried to prove me wrong. I didn’t actually mean for you to sell the place and leave Chalk Hill.

  Chalk Hill is your home and always will be. And you’ve worked so hard to establish Willow Cottage as a successful business. Don’t throw it away now because of some silly spat with Olly.

  It’s more than that. I need a fresh start.

  **********

  25th - 28th July

  Imogen Brooke, Charlotte Carlisle, Paige Marsh, Amy Bradley and Sadie Collins.

  I’m on my hen weekend with my favourite girlies. We’re spending the day at a spa tomorrow, lots of massages and relaxing. We’re not doing anything heavy; I’ll leave that to the boys. They’ve gone to Ibiza for the stag do. Dan has insisted that we leave the mobile phones at home then we won’t be tempted to text or phone each other or be wondering why the other person hasn’t texted or phoned.

  I miss him already.

  Imogen Brooke.

  OH FOR GOODNESS SAKE. I’M SURE YOU CAN SPEND ONE WEEKEND AWAY FROM HIM; YOU’VE GOT THE REST OF YOUR LIVES TOGETHER. AND WE MAY NOT BE GOING CLUBBING OR SITTING ON A BEACH SIPPING COCKTAILS, WE MAY BE IN THE BACK END OF NOWHERE, SPENDING OUR HEN WEEKEND IN THE DREARY INBRED CAPITAL OF BRITAIN, WHERE THEY SHAG THEIR COWS FOR ENTERTAINMENT, BUT WE ARE DAMNED WELL GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. WE’RE PLAYING DRINKING GAMES TONIGHT UNTIL ONE OF US PUKES AND TOMORROW WE HAVE A FEW LITTLE SURPRISES UP OUR SLEEVE.

  AMY BRADLEY

  Amy we did agree no surprises. And you know I’m not a big drinker.

  Imogen

  WELL IF YOU’RE ONLY GOING TO GET DRUNK ONCE IN YOUR LIFE THEN YOUR HEN WEEKEND HAS TO BE IT. HOW DID YOU AND DAN GET TOGETHER, HE LIKES NOTHING MORE THAN GOING OUT AND GETTING DRUNK.

  Leave her alone Amy. This is her hen weekend and she should be having fun the way she wants to, not the way you want to.

  Paige.

  OH SHUT UP PAIGE.

  Have you two started already? Cut it out Amy.

  Charlotte.

  By popular demand we are going to play some drinking games.

  Imogen

  Feeling a bit fuzzy now.

  I love my girlies, they are the best in the world ever.

  Sadie’s just been sick.

  Amy is singing on the table.

  Urgh, think it’s definitely time for bed.

  Saturday:

  We’re off to the spa now. I think we’re all feeling a little worse for wear this morning. A day being pampered will be just what we need.

  Imogen

  I can’t believe four weeks today I’ll be getting married. Dan and I will be driving straight up here on our wedding night to start the first part of our honeymoon.

  THAT’S IF THE WEDDING TAKES PLACE, I’VE JUST HAD A TEXT FROM SIMON FROM THE STAG DO. IT SEEMS DAN IS ENJOYING HIMSELF VERY MUCH.

  What does that mean?

  Don’t be a bitch Amy.

  Charlotte

  I’M JUST SAYING WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS THINKING, CHARLOTTE. YOU SAID THE SAME TO ME LAST NIGHT.

  In Dan’s defence, he told me the other day how much he really loves Imogen. How he never thought he could love anyone as much as he loved her. So what if
he’s having fun, he’s probably just getting drunk and passing out on the beach. The important thing is that in four weeks, he will be sliding that ring onto her finger and starting a whole new life together.

  Paige

  Can we go to the spa now, instead of writing in this bloody book? I have toes that need a pedicure and a hot stone massage to enjoy.

  Sadie

  And Dan said the same to me, that though it was scary committing himself to one woman for the rest of his life, he knew that he would never find anyone that he loved as much as he loved Immy.

  Why is it scary?

  Imogen

  Spa. NOW!!

  Have just got back from a wonderful day at the spa, drinking champagne and being thoroughly pampered. Tonight we’re going to watch films and… Oh, there’s a policeman at the door.

  Imogen

  OH MY GOD!! I do so love a man in uniform, even if the uniform didn’t stay on for long.

  Sadie

  WAHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

  As surprises go, this was a damned fine one.

  Charlotte

  I don’t like strippers; I think they’re crass and very embarrassing. However, PC Dick Grandé, as he called himself, was very entertaining. Rubbing baby lotion onto his body was… well as much as I hate to admit it, this was one fantastic surprise.

  Imogen

  PICTURES GOING UP ON FACEBOOK NOW!!!

  AMY

  Don’t you dare. Where’s your loyalty? What happens on the hen weekend, stays on the hen weekend.

  Charlotte

  KEEP YOUR HAIR ON.

  Sunday:

  Just popped by to see if you’re all ok. Everyone seems to be in bed so I’m guessing you’ve been enjoying yourselves. I saw the police come round last night. Do let me know if you’re having any problems or if there’s anything I can help you with.

  Annie Butterworth

  Ok so just read the last few comments. I realise now that he wasn’t a policeman at all, which is something of a relief. We have a non-existent crime rate round here. Apart from the obvious incest and bestiality, Amy!!! Have fun today and don’t forget to take the penis ice cube trays home with you. And the six foot inflatable penis that’s flying from the flagpole on the green. And the windup swimming penis currently playing with the ducks in the pond. I’m off now to go and shag a cow!!!

  Monday:

  Thanks Annie. Sorry about the mess, we cleaned up as much as we could. Sorry about the bestiality and incest comments from Amy too, she was only joking. Will see you in four weeks when I’ll be Mrs Edwards!!

  Imogen.

  **********

  Annie we need to talk. I know every time we speak lately we just end up arguing about Olly and now you’ve been studiously avoiding me for the last few days. I don’t want to lose you, you mean the world to me. I promise not to talk about him from now on. Whatever you decide to do I will support you fully.

  Sophia xx

  We need to talk about something else. I don’t think it’s a legal document, nothing official, it’s a letter that just says on the envelope ‘My Will. Only to be opened in the event of my death’. I was sorting through a cupboard and it fell out of your wedding album. I haven’t read it, I thought you should read it first.

  What could he possibly leave me, we owned everything equally, he made sure of that.

  Maybe, it’s just… I don’t know, funeral arrangements, which song to play, where he wanted his ashes sprinkled, that sort of thing.

  Well I had him buried so it better bloody not be. Oh Sophia! I don’t think I want to read it. Not after all this time. I’m finally getting my life back on track and to read it would be taking a step backwards.

  Shall I read it, it could be important?

  What if it’s something I should have done but didn’t? Do I do it now, two years down the line? What if it’s something I don’t want to do? Do I do it anyway because it’s what Nick would have wanted?

  I’ll leave it here. You can read it if you want.

  Oh My God!

  What does it say?

  Oh My God! I can’t believe Nick would do that. No wonder it wasn’t written officially, no solicitor in the land would put their name to such conditions. What was he thinking?

  I don’t know. But I know one thing, Olly is not having ‘It.’ If Nick was still alive, I’d kill him all over again, how dare he.

  You need to tell Olly this. He has a right to know.

  No, absolutely not. Then he’ll think he has some stupid claim over it. Besides I’m not actually talking to him at the moment.

  Don’t be a child.

  And yes I know you’re sticking your tongue out at me right now.

  **********

  1st - 4th August

  Mrs Cumblewick

  WILLOW COTTAGE IS A CHARMING LITTLE COTTAGE. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LETTING ME BRING MY PETS WITH ME. I WOULD BE LOST WITHOUT THEM. AND I KNOW THEY’D MISS THEIR MUMMY TOO. POOR GABRIEL, THE RAT, DIDN’T EAT THE LAST TIME I LEFT AND LEONARD, MY PARROT, DIDN’T SPEAK TO ME FOR A WEEK.

  CHALK HILL IS SO QUAINT AND I LOVE WELLS-NEXT-THE-SEA AND THE CUTE LITTLE BEACH HUTS.

  SATURDAY:

  I’M GOING FOR A WALK SHORTLY AND WILL TAKE SOME OF MY FRIENDS WITH ME. I’M LEAVING SOME OF THEM HERE, SO I WON’T BE GONE LONG. EVERYONE IS ALWAYS SO HORRIBLE ABOUT FRANK AND I THINK IT HURTS HIS FEELINGS. PEOPLE AREN’T KEEN ON MIRANDA EITHER, SO SHE CAN STAY HERE AND KEEP FRANK COMPANY.

  DEREK LOVES THE BEACH AND PLAYING IN THE SHALLOWS, I’LL JUST HAVE TO WATCH HE DOESN’T GO TOO DEEP, TORTOISES CAN’T SWIM AFTER ALL.

  HUGO LIKES IT TOO THOUGH I WILL HAVE TO RUB SOME SUN-CREAM INTO HIS BALD PATCHES, BLESS HIM HE’S GETTING OLD NOW AND LOSING A LOT OF HIS FUR. HE’S LOST SO MUCH OF IT THAT HE LOOKS LIKE A PIEBALD GOAT. I THINK IT’S BECAUSE HE GETS STROKED SO MUCH BY THE LITTLE CHILDREN. THEY ALL FEEL SO SORRY FOR HIM BECAUSE HE’S ONLY GOT THREE LEGS.

  I’LL TAKE LEONARD TOO, THOUGH HIS SWEARING CAN BE A BIT OF A PROBLEM. I’VE HAD SOME CHILDREN THINK I’M A PIRATE WHEN I WEAR MY BIG FLOPPY HAT AND CARRY LEONARD ON MY SHOULDER AND THEY RUN OVER TO STROKE HIM AND THEN HE TELLS THEM TO FUCK OFF. IT DOESN’T GO DOWN WELL WITH THE PARENTS.

  COLIN CAN GO IN HIS HAMSTER’S BALL, THOUGH HE AND STAN DON’T GET ON WELL. THE LAST TIME WE CAME TO THE BEACH, STAN ROLLED HIM DOWN THE SEAFRONT AND THEN BURIED HIM IN THE SAND. I’VE TOLD COLIN THAT IT’S NOT STAN’S FAULT. WITH ONLY ONE GOOD EYE, THE POOR DOG GETS CONFUSED SOMETIMES AND THINKS COLIN’S BALL IS A REAL ONE, I DON’T THINK STAN SEES THAT COLIN IS INSIDE. COLIN DOESN’T BELIEVE IT THOUGH. LAST TIME I LET HIM RUN ROUND THE LOUNGE HE SNUCK UP ON STAN AND BIT HIM ON THE TAIL. THE HOWLING SENT POOR LEONARD INTO A RIGHT TIZZ. HE WAS SWEARING ABOUT IT FOR DAYS.

  JUST GOT BACK FROM OUR WALK. LEONARD WAS ON HIS BEST BEHAVIOUR AND ONLY SWORE ONCE. IT WAS A SHAME IT WAS THE C WORD AND THAT HE USED IT WHEN A POLICEMAN WAS WALKING PAST. I MANAGED TO KEEP STAN AWAY FROM COLIN. UNFORTUNATELY A CRICKET BALL LANDED ON DEREK AND CRACKED HIS SHELL SO I’VE JUST SELLOTAPED IT BACK UP WITH BROWN PARCEL TAPE.

  OH DEAR, JUST REALISED THAT MIRANDA’S VIVARIUM IS EMPTY. SHE HASN’T EATEN SINCE TUESDAY SO SHE’LL BE HUNGRY.

  I CAN’T FIND GABRIEL EITHER. HE DOESN’T LIKE THE SAND GETTING IN HIS WHISKERS SO I LEFT HIM IN MY KNITTING BASKET BUT NOW HE’S NOT THERE. I’VE TOLD MIRANDA NOT TO EAT THE OTHERS AND HOW ANGRY I WAS THAT SHE ATE ERIC LAST YEAR. BEING EATEN IS NO WAY TO GO.

  I’VE SEARCHED EVERYWHERE FOR MIRANDA. SHE’S A BIG PYTHON TOO; I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE FOUND HER BY NOW.

  SCREAMS COMING FROM NEXT DOOR. THAT NORMALLY IS A GOOD INDICATOR OF MIRANDA’S PRESENCE. I DON’T KNOW WHY PEOPLE SCREAM WHEN THEY SEE HER. IT’S NOT LIKE SHE’S BIG ENOUGH TO EAT A HUMAN.

  JUST HURRIED NEXT DOOR TO FIND ANNIE’S FRIEND SOPHIA STANDING ON A CHAIR SCREAMING AND ANNIE PICKING UP MIRANDA AND TELLING HER HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE WAS.

  I FELT VERY PROUD OF MIRANDA, SHE IS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SNAKES I’VE EVER SEEN AND NOT MANY PEOPLE TELL HER SO. I WAS QUITE
PLEASED BY ANNIE’S REACTION TO MIRANDA AND HOW KIND SHE WAS TO HER, BUT ANNIE WENT DOWN IN MY ESTIMATIONS WITH HER REACTION TO FRANK. AS ANNIE WAS HELPING ME PUT MIRANDA BACK IN HER VIVARIUM SHE NOTICED FRANK IN HIS TANK AND FREAKED OUT. SHE GOT QUITE FUSSY ABOUT HIM SAYING THAT HE BETTER NOT ESCAPE AND END UP NEXT DOOR OR HE’D END UP BEING A FLAT TARANTULA. I DON’T KNOW WHY PEOPLE ARE SO HORRID. IT MUST UPSET HIM TO HEAR SUCH THINGS.

  IT DOES SEEM THOUGH THAT GABRIEL HAS BEEN EATEN, MIRANDA HAS A SUSPICIOUS BULGE IN HER STOMACH WHICH LOOKS TO BE RAT SIZED. I’VE TOLD HER OFF AND SHE LOOKS VERY APOLOGETIC BUT POOR GABRIEL, HE WAS SO LOOKING FORWARD TO COMING ON HOLIDAY AS WELL.

  Mrs Cumblewick, I’m so sorry to hear about Gabriel’s death. We get so attached to our pets. My chickens were killed by foxes recently and I was so upset.