The Holy Dark

by Kyoko M

  “You know what I could offer you. The angels have already cast you aside for Raphael. Join us. Exact your revenge.”

  “You are mad,” I murmured. “I would never betray my family.”

  He shoved me hard enough that I fell on my backside. “Family? Look at what they’ve done to you. One angel betrayed you and murdered your brother. The others took away your title and treated you like you were a leper. They are fickle, uncooperative, ignorant bastards. They know nothing about pain and sacrifice and the ocean of grey areas your Father never told them about. You know better. You’ve suffered in ways they can’t comprehend.”

  “And they haven’t? They’ve served in the same muck and mire that I have all these centuries.”

  He knelt, lowering his voice, staring straight at me without flinching. “And have they held the one they love in their arms, cold and dead, the way you did?”

  That bone-deep clenching sensation seized my heart. I glanced away, trying to smother the pain, but he kept going. “Have they watched someone precious to them bleed to death, helpless to stop it? What could they know of your pain, Michael? You were human once. You were just a man, and you had to watch the love of your life die before you. The angels will never understand you the way that I could. Are you going to tell me you aren’t angry that they cast you aside because of rumors?”

  Damn him, he wasn’t wrong. I remembered seeing the derision in their eyes when they’d looked up at me on the hill of the astral plane. All my work, my sacrifice, meant nothing to them because of one mistake. A mistake I’d made because I was in love.

  “Think about it, Michael. It could be as it once was. You and me, ruling over all of dominion. We could teach them humility. We could teach them to fear you as they once did, to hold you in the highest regard. You are the archangel, the highest authority in this and any world. It could be yours again. Don’t you remember how it felt to be in charge? To have them kneel at your feet if you so desired?”

  I shuddered. “I do.”

  Belial stood, offering me his hand. “You will know that satisfaction again, brother. All it takes is one step. You will be stronger than ever, strong enough to demand the reverence you deserve, and strong enough to protect your family. Isn’t that what you’ve wanted all along?”

  I pushed to my feet. His words made me feel taller, steadier. I had been masking my anger all this time, shoving it down to deal with it later. Truth be told I was furious that the angels had demoted me. We were neck-deep in war, and they were so busy squabbling with their politics that we had nearly lost it all. How many more would fall if I didn’t keep them in line? Belladonna was just the beginning. They needed to be kept in line, and who better to do that than me?

  “It is,” I answered.

  I reached for his hand. I stopped just shy of taking it, noticing the bit of silver on my ring finger. My wedding band. I thought about my wife, what she’d say if I told her we were going to work with Belial and punish the angels for betraying me. Knowing her, she’d probably kick my ass.

  “Michael,” Belial said softly, looking young and lost like the night before the war in Heaven. “Please, brother. If not for yourself, do it for me.”

  That sharp pain from before, like an ice pick driven straight through my sternum, hit me. God. I would do anything to fix what I’d broken in him. Anything…but this.

  I lowered my hand. “I am sorry, Belial. From the depths of my soul, I am sorry. I failed you. I helped make you what you are. If I could take it back, I would. I would give you the life that I’ve led if it were in my power.”

  I took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes again. “But that’s the past. I can’t change what I did. All I can do is save those who have done nothing wrong. Gabriel is my brother. He has never done anything in selfishness or anger. He can’t stay here. I will fight for him. I will save him because I couldn’t save you. I hope that someday makes up for what I’ve done. If it doesn’t, then so be it. I’ll carry the weight of that mistake like I carry everything else.”

  Silence thickened between us, hanging in the air like a sweltering, stifling fog. Neither of us wavered against the squall. It had always been that way between us. I had spent the majority of my existence proving to myself that I was nothing like him—that he was my greatest failure. I owed it to him to be a better man because he couldn’t be what he might have been before the Fall. Jordan once said that we were both macho arrogant hotheads. I tried every day to tell myself we weren’t different sides of the same coin. And I failed each time.

  Finally, Belial broke. “That weight may someday drag you down to the depths.”

  “It wouldn’t be the first time.”

  A whitish-yellow light flickered at his feet and climbed upward until it ate him whole. Through it all, he never stopped staring at me. It was a look that would be burned into my conscience forevermore.

  Then, the bright embodiment morphed. His shoulders shrank, his legs thinned, until his frame was slender, feminine, familiar. The colors bled down over the light—rich brown skin, locks of black that brushed the tops of her shoulders, cat-shaped eyes, and dark chocolate lips. She wore a white dress shirt that was a size too big, a knee-length black skirt, a green apron, and a simple pair of flats. A waitress uniform. Still, there was something horribly wrong with this one. Blood stained the entire left side of her shirt, dripping down over the skirt and turning the smock a brownish hue, slipping across her knuckles, her fingers, her fingertips. A stab wound gaped at me above her left breast.

  “Hola, mi amor,” Jordan said in a decidedly sharp tone.

  I swayed for a moment, nearly falling over because my legs went numb. “J…Jor? What are you doing here?”

  “Oh, come on. You can’t possibly be this naïve. Did you really think giving me back the ring would fix everything between us? We have so much more to discuss.”

  “Like what?”

  Her eyes narrowed. “How you let that psychotic archdemon kill me, for starters.”

  Her words hit me in the stomach with the force of a cement mixer. “Jordan, you were forgiven. You got your life back.”

  “And what if God hadn’t decided to absolve my debt? I’d be rotting away in Hell as Belial’s chew toy for all eternity because of you.”

  “You told Gabriel not to heal you. You made that decision on your own.”

  “That’s not the point. You said you would protect me. You said you would keep me safe. You lied to me.”

  “I didn’t lie—”

  “Look at me!” she shouted, gesturing to the wound. “You were there. You didn’t stop him. I died, Michael. I was lying there in agony, bleeding out, and you couldn’t help me. If that wasn’t enough, then Lamont’s daughter came along and beat me into a bloody pulp. Where were you then, dear husband?”

  I shut my eyes and clenched my jaw as a swarm of memories crashed against my mind. Long ago, I told myself never to revisit that night when Jordan died, but sometimes I couldn’t help it. I still felt the sickening wet warmth of her blood on my fingers as I held her in my arms. She seemed so small. Fragile. Broken. I faintly recalled Gabriel resting his hand on my shoulder, telling me that we had to move her body. He had offered to take her, knowing that I was in pain, but I had refused because she was my responsibility. She’d sacrificed herself for me. No one had ever done that before. No one had ever held me in high enough regard to die in my stead. I’d had loyal soldiers and followers all my life, but they only knew the unflinching Commander, not the Michael beneath the armor. Jordan had seen who I was underneath and she found me worthy. What had I done to repay her?

  “Brave, noble, saintly Michael the archangel,” she sneered. “Protecting everyone except the ones most important to you. Have you noticed the pattern yet? The people closest to you are the ones you can never protect.”

  “Stop it,” I whispered.

  “We’re not going to make it out of this place alive. We’re going to burn and it’s all your fault.”

  “No!�
� I grabbed her shoulders, shaking her. “We’re going to get out of here. We’re going to rescue Gabriel.”

  A bitter smile crossed her lips. “Oh, baby. You’ve always been a lousy liar. Can’t you feel it? The storm is coming. We’re not going to skip off into the sunset this time. This is Hell, Michael. This is real. There’s no turning back now. You made a deal with the devil and her price was steep. You’re going to lose me. You’re going to lose Gabriel. You’re going to lose everything.”

  I shook my head and the movement was borderline frantic. “You’re wrong. We’re strong. We can win.”

  She cocked her head to the side. “Are you sure? You know that there is darkness inside me. What if I don’t fight it off? What if I embrace it? I’ve done it before. You’ve seen it for yourself, but you don’t believe it. Belial was right about me. Maybe I am ideally suited for evil. Maybe I am a force to be reckoned with and maybe this is how I reach my full potential.”

  My fingers tightened on her upper arms. “Jordan, you are a good woman. I know you’ve been tempted, but you can’t give in. Not now. Not when Gabriel needs you. Not when I need you.”

  “But do you really? You went almost an entire year without me. Admit it—you didn’t miss me as much as I missed you. Part of you never wanted to come back, and so you focused all your energy on hiding that fact from me. Do you ever intend to be honest with me instead of treating me like a child?”

  “I love you, Jordan.”

  “Is that why you keep hurting me? I’ve had enough people in my life do that. I don’t need it from you too.”

  The air in my lungs evacuated. My arms fell limp at my sides, and then I felt it. Blood on my right hand, across my palm, my fingers. The sight of it made me nauseous.

  “What do you want from me?” I asked weakly.

  “To be treated like an equal. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, and your ego has kept you from seeing me for who I am instead of who you want me to be. You can’t save everyone. Give up. You’ll only end up hurting yourself even more.”

  I balled my hands into fists. “I don’t care about pain. I’m not going to leave you behind. I’m not going to lose you again. Never again.”

  “Believe me, the stiffest stubborn wills fall the hardest; the toughest iron, tempered strong in the white-hot fire, you’ll see it crack and shatter first of all.”

  She’d quoted one of my favorite plays. She knew me too well. “Man the master, ingenious past all measure, past all dreams, the skills within his grasp—he forges on, now to destruction now again to greatness.”

  “Greatness?” she snorted. “You arrogant son of a bitch. Do you know what kind of life I could have if I choose Belial? Money. Power. Glory. All the demons—the same pathetic bastards who tried to kill me over and over again—bowing at my feet. I wouldn’t have to jump through hoops like I do being the Commander’s wife. You think the only road to happiness is being your precious little waifu, sitting at your feet like a dog. I could be a goddess if I left you.”

  “Jordan, you can’t be drawn in by him. It’s all a lie. He wants you to think that’s how it would be, but you’d be nothing more than his puppet, just like Zora was.”

  “You’re wrong,” she snarled. “I saw her memories. I saw how she was Belial’s equal, not his pet. If she hadn’t been banished, she would have been one of the most powerful Seers alive. What if that’s what I want? What can you give me besides broken promises, Michael?”

  My breathing got thready and weak, my heart rate accelerating hard enough to hurt. I was losing her. I touched the side of her face, swallowing past the lump in my throat. “Baby, this isn’t you. I’ve seen who you are. You have a good soul and a pure heart. You can’t let him take that from you. If you do, then you’ll end up just like your aunt—a bitter old woman taking out her frustrations on someone who doesn’t deserve it.”

  She batted my hand away. “Better a bitter old woman than a dead young one. At least Belial could protect me. All you’ve ever done is hold me back, using your love as an excuse to control me.”

  “I gave you a choice when God reinstated the Marriage of the Souls. You chose me. Don’t you remember that?”

  “This isn’t about you!”

  I fell silent, shocked. Was she right? Had I been so wrapped up in my feelings for her that I had been ignoring what she needed? “I’m sorry. I’ve always respected who you are and what you can do, but maybe I haven’t been taking responsibility for how I’ve treated you. What can I do to make it up to you?”

  “I want Belial, not you. Divorce me.” She pulled off her wedding ring, holding it out to me. I stared at her, tears burning at the back of my eyes. This was what I had always feared. Losing her. Losing myself. Everything would end here.

  I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, and spoke. “No.”

  “You said you wanted to make it up to me.”

  “No,” I said quietly. “Because that would be giving up on you. And I am never going to do that. Ever.”

  “I’ll cheat on you.”

  “Go ahead. I love you. Siempre.”

  She closed her eyes as the unnatural light from earlier sparked at the crown of her head and covered her one slow inch at a time. I tensed as the vision stretched tall, taller than me by several inches. When it faded, I found another painfully familiar face staring down at me.

  Gabriel’s height only drew more attention to his desecrated state. The spikes had been removed, but it looked as if someone had yanked them out with extreme prejudice. The punctures were long and jagged. Blood oozed from them and blended together, following the long lines that made up his arms, his chest, and his legs. His golden wings had hideous black splotches all over, as if someone had held a red-hot poker to them.

  “Gabe,” I said softly, reaching for him.

  He slapped my arm away and lifted his head. Fury shone bright in his eyes. “Don’t touch me.”

  The snarl made the hairs on my neck wriggle. His voice was a venomous hiss as he spoke again. “How dare you show your face here after what you’ve done. What were you thinking?”

  The momentary pity I felt abated. “I couldn’t just let you rot here. What was I supposed to do?”

  “Accept your losses and move on. Do you realize what you’ve done? Two archangels in Hell and only one on Earth. The demons might as well have been handed the world on a silver platter. Your selfishness will cost thousands of lives. It’s no surprise why you were demoted in the first place.”

  “My title does not define who I am. It took me a long time to realize that. The angels aren’t as helpless as you think. They can still fight and win without me. They’ve been doing it for centuries.”

  Gabriel shook his head once—a brusque gesture. “Commander is more than a title. It’s a symbol. The angels need guidance. They need someone to look up to for wisdom other than the Father. That was your calling, and you threw it away on a whim. You disgust me.”

  “Gabriel, you’ve been my closest friend since we were created. No one has had the kind of faith in me that you have. How can you hate me for coming to your rescue? You would have done the same for me.”

  His blue eyes flashed again. “That is where you’re wrong. You may have been Commander, but I am God’s Messenger. I understand the big picture, like you used to centuries ago. It is better to suffer one loss than two. It is better to lose the battle and win the war. Now we have little chance of beating the demons back and it’s all your fault.”

  “How can you say that? All you’ve ever told me is to have faith in myself and our cause and each other. When did you become such a hypocrite?”

  He grabbed a handful of my shirt and jerked me close enough that the blood on his face dripped onto mine. “Since I’ve been in Hell. Do you want to know what they’ve done to me? They paraded me through the streets. They let the demons do whatever they wanted to me on the way to Pandemonium, and they were very creative. Once I arrived, Mulciber stripped me and flogged me for hours, maybe even days. When she’
d had her fill, she summoned visions of you and Jordan to make me believe you’d come to save me and then murdered them in front of me. She invaded my mind with the hellscape and made me relive the wars I’ve fought in. I felt every single blow again as if it were fresh. I recounted every single innocent life that I was unable to save. I drowned in that sorrow unbidden. In Hell, there is a constant regeneration process. If the demons tear you apart, your body breaks down and forms again within minutes. After Mulciber finished up, Moloch started in on me. He murdered me in every single way he could imagine—stabbing, shooting, strangling, poisoning, suffocating, eviscerating, decapitating, and that is just for starters. I have tasted death a thousand times in a thousand ways because of you, and you were imbecilic enough to condemn yourself to this same fate.”

  “God,” I whispered, and it was then that I realized my cheeks were wet. “I’m so sorry, brother. I’m so sorry I let this happen to you. I swear, I’ll make them all pay.”

  “Pay?” he said with a derisive snort. “There is no payment high enough. You cannot undo what they’ve done. What did you think was going to happen, Michael? You’d rescue me and we’d return to the world above in peace? The damage has already been done. Even if you somehow come out of Mulciber’s Test alive, I am no longer the man you once knew. Hell has destroyed any semblance of the Gabriel you knew and loved. You’ve come all this way to retrieve a shell.”

  “No. You’re stronger than that. I know you are.”

  “You don’t know anything!” he yelled, shoving me roughly enough that I fell. “If you did, then this wouldn’t have happened in the first place! You had an opening to take Moloch out, but you chose your wife over stopping him. That is your sin. That is why you are here. That is why you can never atone for what you’ve done. You cannot wash away the blood on your hands. There is not enough water in the River Styx for that.”

  Something constricted across my chest like a vise. I couldn’t get enough air. All I could see were the drying flakes of blood on my fingers. He was right. How many lives had been taken because of the decisions that I made? How many innocents would perish because of my journey here? My life was nothing but a series of failures, each greater than the next. Hell is where they all led. I had to atone for my sins somehow.