Mostly My Girlfriend

by Doyle, S.

  “Hi, Mom,” I said, dropping the bags and wrapping her up in a large hug.

  “I missed you,” she whispered into my ear.

  “I know.” I squeezed her tight and wished, with all my heart, that it was just me she’d missed. My deadpan humor, my quiet sulks, my need to always have a book with me. Instead of the relief that, with me here at the farm, all her burdens were lifted.

  “Sis!”

  I looked up to see John with a smile on his red face. Swell. He was already drunk. Then Robbie and Devon pushed past him and smothered me together.

  “Sorry we missed graduation,” Robbie said.

  “Someone had to stay and run the farm.” May was the hay harvest season. “Let me look at you,” I said, pulling away.

  They were taller, fuller. Men. Robbie was twenty-eight and Devon would be twenty-seven this year. I’d always felt so much older, despite being their younger sister, but now I could see life was starting to catch up with them, too.

  “When are you two going to get girlfriends and get married?”

  Devon hit Robbie’s arm. “Oh, you’ll be meeting Kathy. Robbie’s sweet on her but Mom doesn’t think she’s cut out for the farm.”

  “She’s from Des Moines,” my mother said, as if that was the big, bad city. “Works in retail.”

  “How did you meet her?” I asked.

  “Please, Tinder in Iowa. There are, like, twenty of us. Total,” Robbie said. “Hey, Sheldon! What’s happening, my man? You bone our sister, yet?”

  I slammed a short punch into Robbie’s ribs, which he had been anticipating.

  “Easy, sis,” Devon said. “We like the guy. He’s been here the last two years for Christmas. With presents!”

  “Pretty big present you got for us this year, though, wasn’t it, Sheldon?”

  I turned to John who was staring at Ethan. I didn’t like the expression on his face. It was drunk and bitter.

  “Now, John Junior, none of that,” my mother said, shooing him into the kitchen. “We’re going to eat and catch up. I have your favorite, Ethan, shepherd’s pie.”

  “Ethan gets his favorite?” I asked.

  “Your favorite is grilled cheese and that wasn’t fancy enough,” Mom said. “Now, get your things upstairs. Julia, you’re in your room. Ethan, you’re in Robbie’s.”

  “I even changed the sheets for you,” Robbie said with a smile.

  “Awesome,” Ethan said, then into my ear, “Because one wonders where he and Kathy might do the deed.”

  “Don’t be gross. He’s my brother.”

  We walked upstairs together, and I stopped in the doorway of my old bedroom. I felt Ethan behind me. Immediately my eyes narrowed. “You’ve snooped in here, haven’t you?”

  “Shamelessly,” he admitted. “I wouldn’t even call it snooping really. I just told your mother I was going to study every crevice of the room and she laughed and told me that was fine.”

  “Do I want to know what John meant downstairs? You didn’t do something extravagant, did you? The sixty-inch, flat-screen TV last year was already too much.”

  “I didn’t get them a TV,” he said. “I might have gotten Robbie and Devon a Play Station this year, because otherwise, what’s the TV for? Netflix? Big Bang reruns?”

  I shook my head. “I’m sorry they call you Sheldon.”

  “I looked him up,” Ethan said, slightly affronted. “I don’t look like him at all!”

  “You’re smart. It’s their shortcut word for Smart Guy.”

  “What do they call you?”

  “Julia, or I punch them in the nuts.”

  “Not Jules?”

  “No, only my dad called me that.” I looked at him over my shoulder. “That’s not a thing, either.”

  One raised bushy eyebrow.

  “That I let you call me what my dad called me. It’s just he’s the only one who really did. Until you. That’s it. It’s not like when we met I was going to say you have to call me Julia. Like some dork or something.”

  He shrugged his shoulder. “No, sure. I get it. No big deal.”

  He left to go to his room, and I unpacked what I would need that night. I didn’t spend too much time being nostalgic other than to acknowledge that the room felt small. From my bedroom, to a dorm room at Harvard, to a tiny room in Brooklyn, to a 1200-square-foot apartment in downtown Seattle that Ethan had found for me.

  So many changes. But finally, even more than after I got the job with the bank in New York, I felt like I was on the path leading me to my future.

  But that didn’t mean I could forget my past. Which meant I needed to have a serious conversation with Mom about the bills and exactly what I could handle on my salary. I was pretty sure I could cover half the mortgage and still leave plenty for me to live on while looking the part of a vice president in a growing company.

  Albeit a small company for now. Currently, Ethan had four software developers working for him and that was it. When he’d introduced me as his number two, the guys hadn’t looked up from their computer screens.

  To build the infrastructure we were going to need to take Phoenix national, we were going to need to add whole departments. Which was, Ethan explained, my headache.

  I couldn’t wait to get started.

  Bouncing downstairs, I found everyone in the kitchen. My mother was hugging Ethan while he awkwardly patted her back with one hand and held a soda in the other.

  Which meant he still wasn’t drinking. I wondered if, now that he was out of school, he was still taking the Adderall. It wasn’t something I’d asked him in the three years we’d been apart because I knew it would make him prickly.

  I thought of his parents, who were spending Christmas alone this year without even me around to give them a sense of connection to their son.

  But they had made progress. When Ethan came to New York to get me, I had insisted he visit with them. It had been tense and difficult, with a lot of anger on both sides, but still, it was a step.

  He’d flown home for Thanksgiving last month, and I’d let him go without me. Let him have some time with just him and his folks. When I asked how that visit had gone, he’d said less than awful. I assumed that was progress.

  I was about tell my mom to back off when I realized she was sobbing on Ethan’s shoulder, not just hugging him.

  John still looked bitter and angry, and Robbie and Devon looked stunned.

  “Are you for real right now?” Devon asked.

  Ethan glanced at me. “Don’t get angry.”

  Which was usually my cue that I was about to get angry.

  “It’s too much. Too much,” my mother said as she pulled away from Ethan. “I need a tissue.”

  I folded my arms over my chest. “Ethan, why did you make my mother cry?”

  “He paid off the mortgage,” Robbie announced. “The house, the farm, it’s free and clear. All of it.”

  It took a few seconds for the words to sink in. “Wait. What?”

  “Yeah, little sis, I always thought it was going to be you to show me up for not getting the job done. Instead, it’s this fucker and his…what did you call it?”

  “Bitcoin,” Ethan said, not taking his eyes off me.

  “Internet money shit,” John said as he reached into the fridge for another beer.

  “You did this?” I asked Ethan. “You seriously did this?”

  “Don’t be mad, honey,” my mom said as she used a napkin to dab her eyes. “Ethan’s been checking in with me these last few years and, well, a few months back I got a call from the bank. They said I was in danger of foreclosure. I just wanted some options.”

  My mother. Called Ethan. And not me. “Mom?”

  “Oh honey, I didn’t want to burden you. You’d just gotten out of college and were starting that job in New York. You already had so much on your plate. I was only asking for some advice. I didn’t know he was going to do this.”

  This. Paid off my entire family debt. Without telling me.

  I glared at
Ethan and he knew that if I’d been born with laser vision, he’d be dead right now.

  “Come on, let’s go for a walk outside,” Ethan suggested.

  “It’s, like, twenty degrees outside,” I pointed out even as he grabbed my elbow.

  “You’ll be warm enough when you start yelling at me.”

  We only stopped to grab our coats, then he was all but pushing me out the front door. Once it was closed behind us, I turned on him.

  “How could you? How could you?!” I half shouted, half whispered so my mother wouldn’t hear us fighting and get upset. “This was my responsibility.”

  “I know.”

  “You know? Then how could you?”

  “Because I can, Julia. Because your mother got a warning notice from the bank. She’d basically been making every other payment. Because I had this money I all but plucked out of thin air, and because no one else I knew needed it as much. Go ahead and yell at me, but then swallow your pride and get over it.”

  I could practically feel my eyes bugging out. “Get over it! How do I do that, exactly? I’m in debt to you now. I have to find a way to pay you back. Even if I decided I hated working for you I couldn’t quit now…”

  I stopped myself as that idea sank in. I couldn’t leave Ethan. At least, not his employment. He would know that about me. I would work for him until the debt was paid off.

  “Is that why you did this? So I couldn’t go even if I wanted to?”

  He looked away from me. “Why can’t it just be about me wanting to help you and your family?”

  Because nothing was that simple with Ethan. But suddenly my anger with him was gone. I walked up to him and let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding.

  “I’m not going to leave you, Ethan. Even if I’m not working for you, I’m not going to leave you. We’re friends. That’s never going to change. I know that because it didn’t change in the three years we were apart.”

  “This wasn’t meant to be some kind of…trap. I really did mean it as a gift.”

  A gift with strings that put him in charge. Maybe he didn’t do it intentionally, but it was always his first and last instinct. To control.

  “I’m going to pay you back. We’ll set something up to have the money deducted from my paycheck. But every penny of the mortgage and interest and penalties have to be paid by me.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it’s my burden, Ethan. My responsibility. My family.”

  “And if I want to share in that burden?”

  He couldn’t. Because we weren’t like that. Our lines in the sand had been drawn four years ago when we met. Him on his side, me on mine. But we’d formed a mutually beneficial partnership. To make that work, I couldn’t owe him. Not my family’s farm. Not anything.

  “Can we go inside now?” I asked him.

  “Are you done being mad at me?”

  I considered that. “Mostly. Did you get me something nice for Christmas?”

  “Beyond the farm, you mean? Yes, I got you a mug that says WORLD’S BEST EMPLOYEE. All big letters.”

  I smiled. That sounded like Ethan. “Then I guess I’m done being mad at you.”

  “Excellent. Merry Christmas, Jules.”

  I thought of the way my dad used to say my name. How it made me feel. I probably should have corrected Ethan the first time he said it, but I hadn’t. Because I’d missed that feeling.

  “Merry Christmas, Ethan.”

  6

  One month apart

  Jules,

  Well, I can see the guilt tactic I tried with my last letter hasn’t worked. My mother is very upset with you… Okay, fair enough, that’s not true. She’s actually really upset with me.

  For being indecisive.

  Because I have to tell you the truth. Part of me wants to come home now. Part of me wants to show up at your apartment in Seattle and tell you that I’m ready to start a new life with you.

  The part that holds me back is fear. Always afraid of what losing myself to you means.

  God, are you even reading these letters? Do you know the battles I’m fighting? For you, for us.

  It will be Christmas in a few weeks. I suppose you’ll be spending it with your mom and brothers. Will you miss me then? Because Christmas has kind of been our thing.

  I suppose we’ll see. Give them my love.

  I’m sorry. Please write back,

  Ethan

  * * *

  Seven years ago

  Seattle

  Ethan

  “We’re going to miss the flight,” Julia said in that sing-songy voice she used when she was being smug.

  “Stop doing that,” I said as I scanned the résumé in front me. “We’re not going to miss the flight. I have a car waiting for us downstairs.”

  “It’s raining and traffic on the 5 is going to be a mess. You know what I think? I think you want to miss the flight, so we don’t have to go to your parents’ for Christmas.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” I lied. This was the first time I would be seeing them since last Thanksgiving. Jules had made me go by myself that time and it had been difficult, but not impossible.

  This year, however, her family was going to be spending the holiday with Robbie’s fiancée’s family, so I’d talked her into coming home with me instead.

  My parents loved her and the conversation, I knew, would just flow easier with Jules there to run interference. That didn’t mean I wasn’t procrastinating a little. My parents had come to terms with me leaving. But I didn’t think they’d forgiven me yet.

  Also, I still didn’t think they understood why leaving had been necessary. Which meant I hadn’t entirely forgiven them yet, either.

  The door to the conference room opened and Daniel popped his head in. “You guys ready for Lauren?”

  “Yes,” I said. “Show her in.”

  “This is ridiculous,” Jules muttered. “I don’t need an assistant. I’m completely in control of my day.”

  “You mean your workday, which is almost fifteen hours long? That’s unsustainable. You need someone who can shoulder some of your burdens so you can have a life.”

  We sat at the conference table and smiled together as Daniel escorted the next candidate in.

  “Lauren,” I said, standing to shake her hand.

  “Oh my gosh! I can’t believe it. You’re Ethan Moss,” she squeaked. “You’re on the cover of Time.”

  Awesome. A fangirl. Jules was going to hate that. Lauren had a soft handshake and I tried not to be put off by it. She was younger than Jules by only about two years, but this past year at Phoenix had turned Jules into a mature businesswoman who had hired, fired, and quadrupled the size of the company.

  Which basically meant, in that short time she had gained the experience of someone three times her age, so I knew she wouldn’t put up with any fools, twinkies, or suck-ups. And definitely not fangirls.

  Jules shook her hand, as well, then Lauren sat across from us. Daniel, who had been helpful at tie-breaking during our interviews, sat next to Jules.

  “Lauren,” Jules began. “I just want to say upfront that we’re running late for a flight tonight. So if the interview feels a little high speed, please don’t be put off.”

  The girl nodded anxiously. “I can totally go high speed.”

  “We don’t have to go that high speed,” I offered. “We’ve got plenty of time to make our flight.”

  “We don’t, actually,” Jules contradicted me. She smiled at Lauren. “He’s using this interview as a ploy to deliberately miss the flight, so he doesn’t have to spend Christmas with his parents.”

  Lauren looked back and forth between us, now thoroughly confused.

  “Not true,” I replied. “The truth is Jules doesn’t think she needs an assistant. But she does because she can’t do everything. She’s not superwoman.”

  “I’m managing,” she said tightly while still smiling at Lauren.

  “You’re surviving,” I said, just as tight
ly while still holding on to my own smile.

  “Either of you want to ask Lauren any questions?” Daniel asked dryly.

  “I’ll go first,” I said. “Lauren, Julia can often be difficult when delegating responsibility. Would you consider yourself someone who takes orders or someone who takes initiative?”

  “Both,” Lauren said. Then beamed as if she believed she clearly answered the question correctly.

  I sighed. “I don’t need pat answers here. I need the truth. Which would you say is your strength?”

  “Um…initiative?” That really shouldn’t sound like she was guessing.

  “I’ll go next,” Jules said. “How are you at multitasking?”

  Lauren tossed her hair over her shoulder and smiled. “Awesome! Like, totally.”

  “Can you give us an example?” Daniel prompted, clearly helping the candidate out. Awesome, like, totally wasn’t going to fly with Jules, either.

  “Sure. I worked at Starbucks.”

  When no further detail followed, I assumed that was her answer.

  “Can you elaborate,” I said.

  She rolled her eyes. “Oh my gosh, have you ever been to a Starbucks? Joke, right? Like, everyone has. Anyway, you have to, like, steam the milk, start the espresso machine, and make sure you’re getting the right pumps of syrup into the correct cup. That is, like, so hard. That’s why I quit and went back to college.”

  “You understand we’re running a company that’s revolutionizing the healthcare industry,” Jules said, pointing out that was waaaay harder than making a latte.

  “I know. That’s what the article in Time said. You’re like, super cool, Mr. Moss.”

  “Would you say super cool?” Jules asked, taunting me deliberately. “Because he looks a little dorky to me.”

  I could hear Daniel sigh as he correctly guessed that any chance Lauren might have had at the landing job were now gone.

  “Oh no! Mr. Moss, you’re totally chill. That cover rocks! You’re, like, super hot.”

  Jules turned to me and smiled. “Did you hear that, Ethan? You rock, and she thinks you’re super hot!”

  “You’re not funny,” I muttered.