A stricken look comes over his features, and he places his cup down on the table. I can’t stand seeing him like that, even for the purpose of a joke.
“I’m just kidding,” I tell him, and he grins, his features smoothening out. “You’re funny when you’re drunk.”
“That’s the first and last time you’re seeing me drunk. I usually limit myself to three beers. I guess I was too excited yesterday.”
“Congratulations on getting the job,” I tell him. “Not that I had any doubt.”
“Thank you,” Thomas says, and then his forehead creases. “Am I imagining stuff, or did I ask you to stay on?”
My heart drops to my belly. “You did.”
He holds my gaze, and electricity sizzles between us. “And what did you say?”
“I never said anything.”
“Okay. Maybe I should ask you again. Can you stay on until after the baby is born?”
I frown as it dawns on me that once again, I’m allowing myself to fantasize about the impossible. He doesn’t sound like a man who wants to try and have a relationship. He sounds like the Thomas I’ve always known who is afraid of love and vulnerability.
“Why?”
He looks away. A small ball of pain forms in my chest.
“You’ll need help with the baby, and I want to be there for you,” he says.
My heart feels like it’s shrinking, and the ball of pain in my chest grows bigger. It’s silly of me to hope that he will say he has feelings for me and wants us to be a family. Why do I always hurt myself like this? I put on a neutral expression and hope that the pain is not reflected in my face. No point in humiliating myself further.
I need to wear my big girl pants. I’m soon going to be a mother, and I can’t afford to be making decisions based on my emotions. I must think of this as the first big test.
What is best for the baby and me? I will indeed need help with the baby, especially for the first few weeks. I’ve been reading a lot on newborn babies, and from what I gather, it takes a while to settle into a routine. Then, of course, there the fact that Thomas is the baby’s dad and an obstetrician. So yeah, I’d want to be near him, but I do need more information.
“How long for?”
“A few weeks,” Thomas says.
I ignore the throb in my chest. “We have to reach a firm agreement. I don’t want to find myself still here when the baby is walking.”
A pained look comes over his features, but he quickly replaces it with a smile, and I wonder if it was my imagination. “Sounds good to me.”
“Thomas, you’re the man who doesn’t want a long-term relationship, remember?”
“And you’re the woman who wants a baby but not the man.”
“That’s not true. I only resorted to a sperm donor because I hadn’t met a man ready for a real, serious, and committed relationship. I still haven’t met him, or have I?”
It’s unfair to push him against the wall like that, but I don’t want him to lie to himself that I’m the reason why we are not trying to be in a relationship. It’s time for Thomas to face the truth about himself.
“Look, I went through a lot in my marriage. I still haven’t come to terms with the knowledge that Tessa was cheating on me. I don’t want to make a promise that I can’t deliver.”
Pain rumbles through me. I see Thomas more clearly than I ever have before. He will never ever change. He’ll grow old as a bachelor. He probably loves his single life but is not brave enough to admit it, so he hides it behind what Tessa did and did not do.
I shake my head. “I know that about you. But I wish you’d stop hiding behind your marriage. That was four years ago. I think it’s time to admit that you’re not capable of loving another woman. You still place your wife on a pedestal.”
Why am I bothering?
I stand up. “Three weeks, Thomas. That’s how long I’ll stay after the baby is born, then I’ll move back to my apartment and move on with my life.”
***
Thomas was right. Two weeks from the day we had that conversation, I get an email from the management agency informing me that the building is ready for occupancy.
I’m tempted to move back to my apartment. The atmosphere between us has been filled with tension in the last two weeks. We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms and barely talking during meals.
Thomas started his new job, which means we see each other less. It’s a good thing, especially now when we haven’t managed to return to the easy relationship we had before. I miss him, though. I miss talking about my day with him and hearing how his went. Last week, we went to see Doctor Phillips together. That was nice, and some of the distance between us evaporated. Some of it.
Today is my day off, and I decide to pass by the gym and my apartment and check it out for myself. On a whim, I call Riley and ask her if she wants to come along.
“Yes, thank you. I’m feeling as if I’m going crazy,” she says dramatically.
“You’re just missing Leo,” I tell her. He’s out of town on a training course. “When is he coming back?”
“Not soon enough. Tomorrow,” she says.
“I’ll pick you up in fifteen minutes,” I tell her.
Suddenly, I feel a lot better about my situation. I’m glad that we can start getting the gym ready for clients and our normal programs. I’m grateful that my mom and Ian offered me a part-time job, but if I never hear the words “check please,” again, I’ll die happy.
It was fun and nice to get out of the house, but now that I’m in my third trimester, I’m tiring easily, and being on my feet all day is killing me. I’ll be glad to tell my mother and Ian that the gym will soon be operational again.
I find Riley waiting for me outside her house.
“Your belly size doubles every time I see you,” I tell her.
“I could say the same for you,” Riley says.
I stare at her in admiration. Despite being on bed rest for weeks, she hasn’t gained any weight. The only change is the protruding belly, and she looks adorable. “You sure the doctor said it’s okay to walk around?”
“Yes, and please don’t be like Leo. He’s driving me insane,” Riley says.
“You look good. I wish I could keep my weight down without any effort like you.” I steer the car back onto the road.
“You’re alright, Cora, relax. This is our time not to give a fuck about our weight. Embrace it.”
“Okay, ma’am,” I say with a giggle.
“So, when is the good doctor going to make an honest woman out of you?” she says.
Everyone I love asks me this question in one form or another. “I don’t know. I don’t think Thomas will ever be ready.”
She’s silent for a while. “You love him, don’t you?”
“Maybe.” I’m not ready to admit to anyone including my best friend what an idiot I am to be in love with a man who does not feel the same.
“There’s no shame in loving someone, Cora,” she says.
“There is if that love is not reciprocated.” I try to keep my tone casual, but even I can hear the pain in my voice.
“He’ll come to his senses. He loves you. That much I know. I can tell by the way he looks at you and how he lights up when he sees you.”
That’s something else my loved ones like to say. That Thomas lights up when he sees me. I wish that were true. He’s just happy to see a familiar face.
“Yeah.” Luckily, we’ve reached my apartment building, and just seeing it looking so clean and so new makes tears of joy come to my eyes.
“I can’t believe how good it looks.”
“Hard to believe how awful it looked months ago,” Riley adds.
I have my keys, and we start off with the gym. I unlock it, and to my surprise, there’s fresh paint in the gym too, and everywhere is clean. The machines are sparkling clean, which is a pleasant surprise. We’ll have to get them serviced, of course, but after that, we’ll be good to go.
It takes us half an hour, a
fter which we head upstairs to my apartment. While the memories of the night of the fire are always there, they are not terrifying anymore. I’m just glad I made it out.
“How do you feel?” Riley asks as we walk through the front door.
“I’m okay. It smells clean.”
“I’m glad they got a cleaning company to clear up. They did a fantastic job,” Riley says.
“There’s no lingering smell of smoke.”
Even my bed has been made, and it looks as if the beddings have been laundered. We go to the kitchen, and I make us each a cup of tea just as I would have before the fire.
“I have the oddest feeling,” I tell Riley when we sit at the island drinking tea. “Like I’m a guest here. It doesn’t feel like home at all. Isn’t that weird?”
“It’s not weird. I remember living with Leo for a couple of weeks when I had to move out of my mom’s. When I got my own place, I kept thinking of Leo’s place as home. You guys have jelled so well together that you think of his place as home now.”
“I can’t wait to reopen the gym, though,” I tell her. “I can’t tell you how tired I am of being hit on at the bar.”
Riley laughs. “Men actually hit on pregnant women? I haven’t gone out enough, it seems.”
Time flies as we sit and chat. Leo texts Riley to ask her if she’s okay, and that’s our cue to leave.
“Thank you for coming to get me,” Riley says when I drop her back home.
“You’re welcome,” I tell her.
“Depending on what Dr. Philips says, I might be going back to work next week, even if it’s just administrative duties. I’m not cut out to stay home, Cora.”
“You’re not alone. I’m like that too. Working at the bar has saved my sanity.”
We say goodbye, and as I drive home, I sing loudly and out of tune, glad that normalcy will soon return to my life.
Chapter 35
Thomas
I automatically glance up and down as I leave the therapist’s office and then immediately feel foolish. There’s nothing wrong with getting help when you need it. That’s what I’ve been telling myself. But the feeling that I’m a bit of a wimp for being unable to deal with my issues clings to me. I haven’t told anyone including Cora that I’m seeing a therapist. With her, it’s not shame that stops me from sharing, but I don’t want to raise her expectations of me.
I might decide that it’s not for me after a few sessions like I did after Tessa’s death, and I don’t want to disappoint Cora if I do stop going.
I get in my car and head toward home. I should be tired from a full day at work, but I’m not. I feel pumped. There’s something about working in a big hospital that energizes me. In a single day, I’ve performed a c-section, I’ve attended to patients in the hospital’s outpatient clinic, I saw to a bleeding pregnant woman in the emergency room, and I performed circumcisions on two baby boys in the maternity ward.
I park my car next to Cora’s and hurry into the house in a haste to see her. She’s the best part of my day, and it feels like a treat coming home in the evening knowing I’ll be with her.
The scent of dinner meets me as soon as I enter the house, and after dropping my laptop on the foyer table, I head to the kitchen. It’s still a wonder to see Cora with her big belly, even if I see her every day.
“Hey, Dr. Clarkson.” She turns, and I take her in my arms and inhale her scent.
“Hello, you,” I say as I draw back to kiss her on the mouth.
I intended it to be a quick kiss, but her lips are so soft and inviting that I find myself deepening the kiss. I gather her closer to me and revel in the softness of her body melting into mine. Heat spreads over me as my body reacts to her nearness. A sharp dull kick to my groin jerks me back to the present.
Cora collapses against me giggling. “Sorry, our munchkin doesn’t like it when something presses against my belly.”
“Doesn’t she know that the ‘something’ is her father?” I laugh and step back after planting a chaste kiss on Cora’s cheek. “How is she doing apart from kicking her dad?”
“Making me pee every five minutes,” Cora says.
She’s firmly in her third trimester now, with all the discomfort that comes with carrying a baby preparing to leave the oven. “If it were possible, I’d swap places with you in a heartbeat.” I tell her this almost every day.
Cora gives me her standard response. “You couldn’t hack it. You’re too soft.”
I smack her lightly on her ass as I move away. “I’ll grab a quick shower and come back down, okay?”
“Dinner will be ready by then,” Cora says.
I take the stairs two at a time and undress as I walk so that by the time I reach our room, I’m half-naked. A minute later, and I’m under hot streaming jets of water, lathering myself from head to toe.
My thoughts meander to Cora and how fast her due date is approaching. I should be excited that I’ll soon get to meet my child, but all I can think about is that they’re going to leave. I can’t imagine returning to my old way of life. The house will be so empty without Cora. But we still have time, several weeks in fact, so no point in spoiling the time we have left thinking about that. I turn off the shower, grab the towel, and dry myself.
I put on shorts and a T-shirt and sprint back downstairs. Cora has already set the table, and when she sees me, she starts to serve food onto the plates.
“I’ll do that,” I tell her and take the plates from her. “And tomorrow and the rest of the week, I’ll do the cooking.”
“Yes sir,” she says and pulls out a chair at the table. “But really, I don’t mind. I enjoy it. I have too much energy and sitting still is driving me crazy.”
“I would say that you’re nesting, but it’s too soon,” I tell her.
“Doesn’t it come in like the last week or so?”
“Thereabouts.” I bring the food to the table and sit down. My stomach growls at the sight of food. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was.
“How was work?” I ask her.
“Good,” she says. “I’ve gotten two quotes for the physiotherapy rooms, and next week, we’ll probably zero in on one and start the renovations.”
“No wasting time, huh?” I ask her in admiration. Cora has always wanted to add physiotherapy to the range of services at the gym, but it was never the right time. Being away from her beloved gym has made her want to move forward with her long-term plans.
We discuss the details of the work that will be required before they can start offering the services.
“How was your day?” Cora asks.
“Very good.” I tell her about the cases that stood out for me that day. Working at the hospital means that I always have a few of those to regal Cora.
When we were married, Tessa and I had this rule of leaving our jobs behind when we got home. We never discussed work at all, and at the time, we thought it was a good way to relax. Living with Cora, though, has made me see what we were missing. Tessa and I never got to hear about each other’s work lives. That might have been the beginning of our problems. Not talking about work meant that she didn’t know how important my work was to me, and I didn’t know how she felt about her job.
Seeing a therapist has already made me see things differently. I thought I was done with grieving for Tessa, but it seems that after finding out about her unfaithfulness, I went into grieving mode all over again. Except that this time, it was for our marriage, and it was mixed with anger. Anger I could not release because the object of it was gone. It’s just fucked up, but it’s getting better. I feel lighter, happier, less angry.
After dinner, I make Cora relax on the couch while I clean up. Then I join her, but it’s clear that she’s exhausted.
“Come on; let’s go to bed,” I tell her.
I carry a book with me. It’s only half-past eight, and I’m not an early sleeper, so as Cora snuggles up against me, I read. Her nearness has the expected effect, and my cock is soon as hard as steel, but I ignore it. C
ora is at the stage of pregnancy where she’s tiring easily. She needs her rest more, and my sexual needs have to take a back seat.
An hour later, my phone vibrates, making her jump. She raises her head and looks about in confusion.
“It’s okay; it’s just my phone.”
Understanding dawns and she lies back down. I reach for my phone, and my heart skips a beat when I see Martin’s name on the screen. I swipe to answer, and even before I say anything, he starts talking.
“I think Fran is in labor,” Martin says, his voice panicky.
“That’s wonderful,” I respond. “Have you taken her to the hospital?”
“No, I’m not sure if it’s the real thing.”
I shake my head, unable to believe that I’m talking to a doctor. I’ve heard of doctors going into shock when their wives go into labor, but I didn’t expect it of Martin. He’s the most level-headed man I know.
“You had better take her unless you want to deliver the baby yourself.” That seems to rouse him.
“You’re right. I don’t even know why I called you,” he says, sounding like himself.
I chuckle. “To bring you back to your senses. Do you want me to meet you at the hospital?”
“No, of course not. Swing by tomorrow when you’re free to meet the baby.” I can hear the grin in his voice.
We say goodbye, and when I look down at Cora, she’s completely asleep. Not even a conversation near her ear can wake her up.
***
“Tell me again what he said,” Cora says as we’re driving to the maternity hospital.
I laugh and recount my conversation with Martin the previous night.
“We shouldn’t laugh,” Cora says. “We don’t know how we’ll behave when it’s our turn.”
I glance at her. “Do you see me losing my cool when you go into labor?”
“Honestly, no, but you didn’t think Martin would either. I can’t believe I slept through all that,” she says.
“You must have been very tired, but that’s expected at this stage of pregnancy.”
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