“It doesn’t matter what I want. What matters is what Cora wants, and she was adamant that she wants to move out after three weeks.”
“That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard. I don’t understand why you can’t give a real relationship a shot.”
I shrug. “I guess we just want different things in life. Not everyone wants the whole ‘til death do us part,’ thing.”
He takes another swig of his drink and then changes the topic.
I muse over what he said, and a part of me wishes that it were possible, but one thing I know is that Cora can’t wait to go back to her place. She wanted a baby, and now she has a baby. The loser in this whole business is going to be me. How am I going to stay away from my daughter? The more I think about her, the more I want to be in her life permanently. I want to see her and Cora every day.
Yes, I know it’s a stupid dream and one that’s not going to happen.
Five beers later, and we’re both more than a little tipsy. I ask Martin how the first couple of weeks with Willow were, and his face takes on a soft look.
“It was magical, exhilarating. I kept waking up to go and check on her, see if she’s real. But it was also exhausting, and Fran and I were perpetually tired,” he says with a smile.
I’m glad that Cora is staying for a few weeks. We need to be there for one another as Taylor adjusts to life outside her mother’s womb. When I think of Taylor’s future, I get both fearful and excited.
“There’s so much I want for Taylor,” I tell Martin. Beer is making my tongue loser than normal, and the day’s emotions have left me feeling defenseless. “I want her to grow up to be whatever she wants to be, but I have a feeling that she’ll be a doctor.”
Martin laughs. “I’m glad I’m not the only one with a feeling about this. I was telling Fran that our Willow would go into medicine, and she looked at me as if I were crazy.”
I shake my head. “Makes perfect sense to me. In fact, I plan on starting Taylor off early. Tomorrow while grabbing some things that Cora needs, I’ll get some toy doctor play stuff. A pretend doctor’s kit.”
“Hey,” Tom says leaning across the counter. “Too early for all that. Get the kid home first from the hospital, okay? All she needs now are warm blankets, sleep, and milk. That’s all.” He glares at us and then goes to the other end of the bar to serve another customer.
Martin and I look at each other sheepishly. “I guess we got a bit carried away.”
“We might have.”
We have one more beer each and then call it a night. As we’re standing outside the bar, Martin says, “Fran is going to kill me. I told you we were only going to have a couple of drinks.” He doesn’t sound too worried, though.
***
I wish that my biggest problem was that Cora would be upset that I stayed out longer than I said I would. I envy Martin and his stable home life. I wish that Cora and I were in a regular relationship and that we hadn’t made that agreement to co-parent our child.
We were doomed from the start. She wanted a baby and had decided on the sperm donor route. Then coincidentally, she came to the clinic, and there I was. We had sex, she got pregnant, and I found myself as a reluctant expectant parent.
Yep, our relationship started off unconventionally. We both wanted different things, and as for now, I don’t even know what I want, but I do know that I don’t want to lose Cora or Taylor.
Chapter 38
Cora
Taylor’s sharp, loud cry pulls me out of a lovely dream where all I’m doing is sleeping for hours. I sit up with a start, and with a groan of protest, I swing my legs over the bed and pad to her crib.
“It’s okay; Mommy is here.” I lift her from the crib, and she quiets as soon as she feels my arms.
That’s the good thing with Taylor. She wakes up crying multiple times a night, but as soon as Thomas or I pick her up, she stops and waits patiently for her milk. I’ve compared notes with Riley and Fran, and their girls are little firecrackers. Nothing quietens them apart from a nipple in their mouths.
Sleep with a newborn is a rare commodity and a luxury. Now I get why new parents walk around looking dazed.
I carry Taylor to the changing station in the corner of our bedroom, just as Thomas gets up.
“I’m okay,” I whisper to him. “Go back to bed; you need your sleep.”
He comes and kisses me on the cheek and proceeds to change Taylor’s diaper. I pass him the wipes and then a fresh diaper. We work smoothly like a factory line, having done this several times every night since Taylor came home two weeks ago.
No matter how many times I tell Thomas not to wake up in the middle of the night when I do, he always does. I feel sorry for him because he has to put in a full day of work while I have the luxury of napping during the day when Taylor does.
I carry Taylor to bed with us and proceed to breastfeed her.
“Call me when you need me,” Thomas says sleepily. He kisses Taylor’s forehead and my cheek and then promptly falls asleep.
The only sounds in the room are the slurping sounds of Taylor suckling. Scenes like these are the ones that make me want to break down and cry at the unfairness of life.
How am I supposed to carry on without Thomas when he’s everything that I could want? He’s the perfect husband and dad. He changes diapers, gives Taylor her bath, and cuddles her to sleep. How can he bear knowing that in a week’s time, his daughter will not be in his home anymore?
I had serious doubts when I was pregnant over whether Thomas really wanted our baby but those disappeared as soon as she was born. I have no doubts whatsoever about his feelings for Taylor. He adores her. He looks at her with so much love that it brings tears to my eyes. Tom, the bartender called me yesterday to check on the baby and me. He made me laugh till I cried when he told me the ridiculous conversation that Thomas and Martin had had at the bar on the evening of Taylor’s birth.
I can’t believe that Tessa messed him up so badly that he would give up on us when we have a chance at being a family. But, as painful as the thought of living without him is, I’d rather leave now than stay without a commitment from Thomas. Taylor might be in college by the time he decides that he does, in fact, want a relationship.
I want to live and love. I may never fall in love again, but I definitely want to give it a try.
***
It’s afternoon, and just as I lay Taylor down for a nap, my mom texts me to tell me to call her when I can. I’m grateful that most of my regular callers text me first, asking me to call them back when I’m free.
I go downstairs and make myself a cup of coffee and settle down with it. I call my mom back, and she picks up on the second ring.
“Hi, honey,” she says.
“Hi, Mom.” Since getting Taylor, my appreciation for my mom has gone up tenfold. She did a good job with all three of us, and whenever I imagine Taylor as an adult, I’m awed by the amount of work that will take.
“How’s Taylor doing?” she says.
“Good, she’s asleep now.”
We talk about the baby some more, and then she tells me the reason for calling.
“Ian proposed,” she says, barely containing her excitement. “And I said yes.”
The news is definitely a surprise. It hasn’t even been a year. It’s on the tip of my tongue to point this out, but at the last minute, I bite it back. She’s not going to change her mind because I pointed that out. Besides, I’m sure that she knows exactly how long it’s been since they started dating. Life is short, and happiness should be grabbed. I like Ian, and I see why she’s drawn to him. He’s stable and dependable, and he makes life fun for her.
Who am I then to deny her happiness? All these thoughts run through my mind in seconds.
“That’s awesome news, Mom! Congratulations, and tell Ian I said so.”
There’s silence on the other end, and then I hear sniffing noises. “Mom, are you okay?”
She sniffs loudly. She’s definitely crying.
Tears fill my eyes, and I’m so glad that I did not voice my original thoughts.
“I love you girls so much and Caleb too, and I just want you to be happy for me. I feel as if I’m living my best life now,” she says. “I feel alive again.”
“I know, Mom.”
She tells me their plans for the wedding. They don’t want anything grand, just a small ceremony with family and a few friends. She asked Adeline to be her maid of honor, and of course, Adeline told her that she had lost her mind.
“I hope you don’t mind that I asked her,” Mom says, her voice filled with worry. “I’m just desperate to heal our relationship, and nothing seems to be working.”
“I don’t mind at all, and I’m sorry for the way she reacted. Give her time. She’ll come around.”
“You think so?”
“Yes, I know she will.” I sound more confident than I feel, but I want my mother to be happy. She deserves it.
We talk a little bit more and then say goodbye.
Taylor sleeps for most of the afternoon as she usually does, giving me a chance to catch up on some admin work for the gym. I’m glad that I can do most of my work at home.
Around four, Taylor wakes up, and after a change of diapers, we go downstairs, where I breastfeed her and then lay her against my chest. The doorbell rings, startling both of us.
I plant a kiss on Taylor’s forehead to reassure her. “Let’s go and check who it is.” I peer through the keyhole and see an eye staring back at me, though, of course, whoever it is can’t see me.
The face moves back. It’s Adeline.
I fling the door open. “Don’t you know that you can’t see through a peephole?”
She grins. “I know. I don’t know why I do it. It drives John Mathews crazy.”
She looks tired. “Come in.”
“Aww,” she goes as she walks around me to look at Taylor. “Look at you. Who is becoming a big girl? Aunty can’t wait to hold you.” She goes to the bathroom to wash up and then finds us in the living room.
She gently lifts Taylor from my arms and goes to sit with her on the rocking chair. She sighs. “This is what I call heaven.”
Adeline seems to relax as she rocks with Taylor. Babies have that effect on people.
“You should have another baby,” I tell her as I stand to go and make a coffee for her. “See how much you relax when you hold her.”
She winks at me. “Or I could just borrow Taylor.”
“Not going to happen,” I mumble as I disappear into the kitchen.
I feel sorry for Adeline. She’s held on to her anger for Mom and Ian so long that it’s become like a way of life now. I know that’s the reason she’s come by unannounced. The news that Ian and Mom are getting married has distressed her.
I was there not too long ago. In his own subtle way, Ian made me open up my mind to the idea of Mom and Thomas. I pour the coffee into a cup and carry it back to the living room.
“Are you really going to move back to your apartment in a week’s time?” Adeline asks as she sips her coffee.
“Yep, it’s what we both agreed to. Thomas hasn’t changed his views, and I’ve accepted that relationships are not for everyone.”
She shakes her head. “How can he give this up? A chance to watch her grow. They change so fast. He’ll miss so much if you two aren’t living together.”
“I guess he’s okay with that.”
I don’t really want to talk about Thomas. I know he’s not going to change his mind. He’s arranged for an agency to provide me with a nanny when I go back to my apartment. That was a sweet gesture that I really appreciate. The agency he chose is high-end and a service I definitely could not afford on my own. She’ll be coming during the week from nine in the morning to one o’clock. And then I can work from home in the afternoon or evening when Taylor sleeps.
It sounds good on paper, but every time I think about it, I feel my heart is breaking into pieces. Why did I fall in love with a man who is not capable of love?
Adeline doesn’t say anything else for a few minutes. I know she’s readying herself to talk about Mom and Ian’s wedding.
“So,” Adeline says in a casual voice, but there’s a tiny vein throbbing on her forehead. “Have you heard from Mom?”
“Yes, she called me a little earlier.”
“You know about the wedding then,” she says. “Can you believe she had the audacity to ask me to be her maid of honor?”
“I wish you’d said yes.” She makes as if to talk, but I silence her with a raised hand. “Let me finish.”
She closes her eyes and then opens them again. She’s probably fighting to contain her anger.
“When she told me, the first thought that came to my mind was to tell her that they hadn’t dated for a full year. Then I realized that she wasn’t asking me for permission. She was informing me, and she wanted me to be happy for her.”
Adeline’s features tighten. I force myself to plow on.
“We all deserve to be happy. Who are we to judge who our mother chooses to be happy with? It’s her life, Adeline. I have mine, and so do you. We’re adults who get to make our own choices. She’s made hers. Let’s be happy for her.”
“What if he breaks her heart?” she says.
“Then we’ll be there for her and help her pick up the pieces. We’re family and that’s what family does.”
She glances down at a sleeping Taylor. “When did your mother get so wise?”
I let out a discreet sigh of relief.
“You think I should be Mom’s maid of honor?” she asks lifting her gaze to me.
“You’ll make a beautiful maid of honor.”
“Okay. I will.”
Chapter 39
Thomas
I’ve been shipping Cora’s things to her apartment as per her instructions. Today is the last day that she and Taylor will be in my house, and panic is spreading in my chest.
Everything in me is screaming that I should ask her to stay, but then what? I can’t promise marriage, and I know at this point, Cora wants nothing less. I admit that I’m a coward. Therapy is definitely helping, but the thought of signing on that dotted line committing myself to one person scares the fuck out of me.
I grab the last bag from our room and carry it downstairs, where Cora is waiting while breastfeeding Taylor.
“Looks like this is the last of it,” I tell her.
She looks at me dully, and it takes every ounce of self-control not to go down on my knees and beg her to stay. “Okay, I’ll just finish up here, and we’ll be on our way.”
I carry the bag to her car. Cora and I agreed that we’ll use her car for the last trip, and then I can grab an Uber back to my place. When I return to the house, Cora is standing, and I go to her and take Taylor. Her dark eyes are trained on me. Guilt floods me as I imagine what might be going through her baby mind. Why are you letting us go, Daddy?
What am doing? Panic wells up my throat. I swallow and push it back down. It’s better this way. I’m not cut out for marriage or long-term relationships. I can’t stop thinking of the number of things that could go wrong.
I know that commitment is a leap of faith. I made that leap once and look where it got me. I lost my wife emotionally, even before I lost her physically. I can’t do that shit again.
With co-parenting, Cora and I will both know our goal, which will be to raise Taylor to be a happy little girl. There will be no emotions and feelings between us to distract us. Feeling stronger, I carry Taylor to the car and gently lower her to her car seat. I enter the passenger side as Cora gets into the driver’s side.
The drive to her place is quiet. Misery fills the air. I tell myself that it’s natural to feel as we are feeling. After all, we’ve been
living together for months. It’s like having a roommate you get along with brilliantly, and then they have to move out. You’ll naturally feel like crap that day and for days to follow. Then you’ll get used to living alone again.
“Welcome home, sweetheart,” Cora tells Taylor when we get to her apartment block.
She carries Taylor in while I grab the bag and a few other items from the car. We go up the elevator, silence wrapping around us like a cloak.
“Here we are,” Cora says as she unlocks the front door.
The apartment got a thorough clean-up the day before, and it’s sparkling clean.
“She’s asleep,” Cora says. “I’ll take her to her crib.”
I wait for her in the living room, and when she comes back, we sit in the living room facing each other like strangers. I feel a need to say something.
“I guess we should see our lawyers regarding visitation rights.” Where the fuck did that come from? When I’m nervous around Cora, I say the stupidest things. I try to rectify my mistake. “I mean—”
“You’re a fool, Thomas,” she shouts and jumps to her feet. “You can go and see your lawyer for all I care. I’ll let you see Taylor but make sure that I never clap my eyes on you. Right now, I want you to get the fuck out of my house.”
I look at her, stunned. We have a baby. Surely, she can’t be throwing me out of her house? “I didn’t mean—”
She makes as though to pick up a cushion, and I jump to my feet. “Cora, be reasonable.”
I see the red cushion flying across the room, but I’m too shocked to duck. It hits me square in the face, and before I can react, another one follows it.
“Fuck, Cora, this is beyond immature.” A rain of cushions pummels me as I hurry to the door.
There’s no point in trying to talk to her when she’s like this. I slam the door behind me. Serves her right if Taylor wakes up from her nap. I immediately feel ashamed of myself for that thought. I deserve everything Cora unleashes on me.
I want to punch myself. Why the fuck did I mention lawyers and visitation rights as if she would ever refuse me to see Taylor?
One Hot Doctor Page 23