Carnage Boxset

by Jones, Lesley

  Fuck, Kitten.

  How are you, baby?

  I burst into tears, finish my drink, and then go and climb into bed.

  I’m a mess

  I stagger into the bathroom, get the toilet roll and bring it back to bed with me. My phone buzzes.

  Where the fuck are you?

  Are you safe?

  Do you need me?

  Do I need him? Fuck, I don’t know what I need. I’ve just had one of the most fucked-up nights of my entire life and believe me, living the life I have, I’ve had some pretty fucked-up nights. I’ve gone out with one man, had my Mildred licked by a woman and now I’m home, texting a different man. A man I fucked while still married to my now-dead husband. What is wrong with me? I don’t want to be a bad person. I want to make good decisions; I don’t want to hurt or use anyone, but it’s all I ever seem to do. I wipe my running nose on the back of my arm as my phone rings. It’s Cam’s number, and I don’t know what to do. If I don’t answer, he will worry and probably get on to Bailey, and that will cause a whole other shit storm.

  “Tiger.”

  “Kitten?” My heart rate instantly quickens at the sound of his voice. I need to take a couple of those Valium I have in the drawer; they’ll calm me down.

  “How the fuck are you, Tiger?”

  “Don’t swear, Kitten; it’s not nice.”

  “I’m not nice; haven’t you realised that yet?” He’s quiet for a few seconds.

  “Are you okay?”

  “No, I’m far from okay. I’m a fuckin’ mess.”

  “Where are you? I want to see you.”

  “You can’t.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you can’t; I’m too far away.”

  “Where are you, Kitten? You’re scaring me.” I want to tell him, but it would do no good, and I’m a mess. I can’t think and I suddenly don’t want to talk anymore; I just want to go to sleep. I wish he was here, with his big body and his big laugh.

  “I’m lost. I’m on my own. I’m where nobody can find me. I’m invisible and I miss you. I wish you were here; you would’ve stopped me. I think I told him that I love you. He laughed and it was you, your laugh, and I told him that I love you.” I can hear him saying my name, asking where I am, who I’m with, but I don’t want to talk anymore. I end the call, turn off my phone, take two Valium out of my bedside drawer to help me sleep and swallow them down with water from the bottle I left there a couple of nights ago. I stare at the little brown bottle of pills and think about taking the whole lot, and the thought stays in my head for a very split-second; just a split-second, but I don’t do it. My family needs me, and I can’t cause them any more pain. I throw the pills and the water on the floor and wait for sleep to take me; the last thought that goes through my mind is how much I hate myself and my life.

  Chapter Ten

  I jump, then attempt to drag my eyes open as I try to work out what’s going on around me. I can hear voices and I feel myself being lifted; my face is slapped, not hard but enough for me to feel it. I can hear Jackson calling my name, and I’m aware I’m being carried, but I just can’t open my eyes properly or string a sentence together. I stop trying to fight it, curl into Jackson’s chest and go back to sleep.

  * * *

  I know I’m in a hospital before I even open my eyes; I would know that smell anywhere. I hate it; that smell means only one thing to me: death.

  My throat feels scratchy and my stomach and ribs ache. I lay still for a while longer, trying to process why I might possibly be in the hospital. The last thing I remember clearly is Roman dropping me off; he didn’t come in, and I showered.

  Shit!

  I spoke to Cam last night, I think.

  I open my eyes and look around. It’s a standard hospital room; stark, white, and sterile. It smells of death, death and loss, and I really need to get out of here. I catch movement from the corner of my eye and realise Jackson is asleep in a chair next to my bed; he’s sitting exactly like Sean was when I woke up after we lost baby M, and exactly like Marley was when I lost Sean and Beau. I burst into tears. Jackson instantly lifts his head, and his eyes meet mine.

  “What the fuck did you do?” he asks through gritted teeth. I frown as I try and remember, but I can’t. What the fuck did I do?

  “I don’t know. I can’t remember. Did I hurt someone?” He stands abruptly, pushing his chair back noisily on the tiled floor.

  “The pills, George! Why, why would you do that?” I’ve absolutely no idea what he’s talking about.

  “I don’t know what you mean, Jax. Please tell me, coz I can’t remember.” I’m wearing a horrible hospital night gown, and I use it to wipe my tears and my nose on. My tears and my nose; I remember wiping them last night. I was in bed crying; why the fuck am I crying? Well, der, probably coz my life is a fucking fucked-up mess. I’m suddenly pissed off with Jackson, and I just want a straight answer.

  “Will you please just tell me why I’m in the hospital, Jax, and why I feel like I’ve done ten rounds with Tyson?”

  He turns on me so abruptly that I push myself further down into the bed.

  “You took an overdose, George. You OD’d on Valium. What the fuck were you thinking; how could you do that to us?” What the fuck is he talking about? My mind races; I did not take an overdose last night. I can’t remember exactly what I did do, but I just know I didn’t do that; not once I got back to my apartment anyway.

  “I didn’t take an overdose. I smoked some weed and did a line of coke at the hippy house with Roman, but I didn’t OD; he brought me home and I was just fine.” I start to cough as my throat feels sore and I can hardly swallow. I sit up slowly and reach for the water at the side of my bed. Jackson just stands with his hands on his hips at the end of my bed and glares at me.

  “Roman let you do coke and weed at the hippy house?”

  “I’m thirty-fuckin-two, Jax; Rome didn’t let me do anything. I chose to. I was fine; he dropped me home, and I was fine.” Why would anyone think I’d taken an overdose?

  “What about the Valium all over the floor? I couldn’t wake you up. I had to shove my fingers down your throat to make you vomit, then you choked and I had to do the Heimlich manoeuvre. You were a mess, George. A fuckin’ mess.”

  I hold my head in my hands. I didn’t take an overdose. I know I didn’t take an overdose. I try to remember what happened once I showered.

  “What happened when Roman dropped you home? Oh, and just so we’re clear, George, I’m gonna knock him the fuck out when I catch up with him.”

  “What, why?”

  “He took you to fuckin’ Narnia.” Well, the orgasms have been good, but I wouldn’t stretch it that far.

  “Jax, I swear to God, I have never, ever climbed through a wardrobe with Roman. I’ve had some great sex, but I’ve never climbed through a wardrobe with him.” I think I’m funny, but Jackson clearly doesn’t.

  “The hippy house George, where all his weirdo mates live. We all call it Narnia. He shouldn’t have taken you there but aside from that, what happened when you got home? Talk me through it.”

  “Can I get a coffee first?” He stares at me for a few seconds and his bottom lip trembles; mine instantly has the same reaction. “I swear, Jax, I wasn’t trying to kill myself.” He moves across the room to my bed and wraps his arms around me.

  “You fuckin’ scared me, George. I thought I’d failed. I thought I’d let you down.” We both cry. I want my mum right now. I want my mum and my dad and my big brothers. I want my best friends and my nieces and nephews. I want to go home.

  “I think the nurse is gonna wanna check you over. I’ll send her in, then go and get ya a coffee.” He kisses the top of my head then leaves the room.

  The nurse is in almost instantly; she’s an older woman, in her forties maybe, with the most beautiful auburn hair. ‘Eve’ it says on her name badge.

  “Okay, Georgia, good to see you’re back with us. You gave your brother a fright earlier and the emergency
room doctors, too. You’re lucky he found you when he did.”

  “I didn’t take an overdose,” I interrupt her. I need to make it clear that I didn’t take an overdose.

  Eve doesn’t say anymore as she takes my blood pressure, temperature, monitors my saturation levels and writes notes down on a chart. She suddenly stops writing, tilts her head and says to me, “Do I know you; have we met before?” I shake my head. This is all I need, this story getting out… ‘Rock star’s widow in suicide attempt’. Lennon had managed to keep the other incidents and the time I was committed out of the press, but he might not be able to do that for me here. Then another thought strikes me: has Jackson called my family? Do they all think I’ve been alone here and tried to kill myself?

  “Well, you look familiar, darl.” She chews on the inside of her bottom lip as she looks at me then continues. “Your blood pressure’s a little low, but that’s not surprising with what you’ve taken. The doctors will be here in a minute to talk to you anyway.” Jackson comes back through the door with two coffees in takeaway cups. “Here’s that handsome hero of a brother of yours.”

  “He’s not…” Jax shoots me a look and shakes his head, “handsome,” I continue and she laughs.

  “Well, you’re his sister so you would say that, but believe me, if I was ten years younger...” She winks at me, then turns and leaves the room as she shakes her head.

  “Did you call my mum and dad, my brothers?” I ask him. He puts the coffees down.

  “No, I didn’t call anyone. I told them I’m your brother, your next of kin, so they wouldn’t try and get in touch with anyone else.”

  He takes the lids off our cups and stirs in sugar, then passes me mine; he takes his to the chair he was sitting in earlier and sits back down.

  “Talk me through it, George. I wanna hear about what happened last night; everything you can remember.” He looks thoroughly pissed off with me, I conclude as I study him for a few moments; I take a sip of my coffee, which is hot and dire.

  I must pull a face as he says, “It’s wet and it’s warm. Stop being a princess and just fucking drink it, George.”

  “It tastes like crap,” I complain.

  “I don’t care, George; that’s all that’s available. Have a drop then talk.”

  I huff like a child then start my story. “I went out for dinner with Roman, then he took me to meet the Manson family. I smoked the weirdest weed I’ve ever had. It was really trippy. Then we did a line of coke. I had a bit of a freak out after that.”

  Oh, God. My cheeks burn as the memories of what I let Skye do to me come flooding back. What the fuck had I been thinking?

  “Why’d you freak out?” I stare at him for a few seconds. I knew I could tell him anything; it was me who would be embarrassed, not him.

  “I was proper off my tits,” I try to reason with him, but he shakes his head at me.

  “Why. Did. You. Freak. Out?” I screw my nose up and just blurt it out.

  “I got it on with a girl and then I decided I didn’t like it, and I just needed her to stop.”

  He frowns, closes his eyes for a few seconds and shakes his head. “Where the fuck was Roman when all this was happening?”

  “Watching.”

  He nods. “I’m gonna fucking kill him. I swear, Georgia, I will kill him when I see him.” I feel defensive of Roman. He didn’t make me do anything last night; everything I did was of my own free will.

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Jax; Rome didn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to. She asked if she could kiss me and I let her, and we went back to her room…”

  He looks up from his coffee. “She lives at the Narnia house? What’s her name?”

  “Yeah,” I reply. “Her name’s Skye, and she looked like Tinker Bell.”

  “Skye Turner. He watched, while Skye fucking Turner did her thing and came after you?”

  I was confused. “No one came after me. The weed we had fucked with my head. It made me horny and just, I was just…” I try to think of a way to describe how I felt.

  I had only ever tried LSD once, years ago when I was still at school. Marley had got it from somewhere; it was a little square piece of paper with the Superman logo on it. Sean, Marley, Jim and myself had all bunked off school and hid out in our summerhouse; it was a rainy winter’s day, and we knew my mum wouldn’t come out into the garden for anything. We had got our mark in the register after lunch and then all met up outside the school gates. We walked home to my house, snuck in the side gate and hid out in the summerhouse. We’d divided the little square into four, put the tiny pieces on our tongues and just let it dissolve. It took about an hour for the effects to start, and they were pretty similar to what I’d had last night; everything was bright, colourful and beautiful, and I just felt calm and peaceful…

  “The weed I had was like a combination of taking acid and ecstasy, and I was fine with that; I felt great. Roman didn’t have any because he wanted to be straight for me; he wanted to be able to look after me.”

  “That’s fucking good of him,” Jax gets in sarcastically, and I let out a long sigh.

  “I should have just stuck with the weed. I was fine. I was better than fine; I felt the best I have in a long time.” I recall the feeling of total relaxation I’d had last night; free, uninhibited, that’s how I had felt. “Skye asked if she could kiss me, things got a little heavier, and we went back to her room while she went and showered. While me and Roman started getting it on, she got out the shower. We all did a line of coke and then she joined us on the bed. We were just kissing and fucking about, and then suddenly, it was just like bang; my heart rate increased and I just started to panic. I didn’t want her to touch me anymore. I just wanted to get out, get home, and be by myself.” Thinking about how the panic had come up from nowhere now was making me feel clammy, and I felt a little lightheaded. I finish the rest of my coffee and look over at Jax; his arms are folded across his chest, his legs stretched out in front of him, crossed at the ankles.

  “He got me out of there, Jax, as soon as I started to freak. He told Skye to fuck off, and he got me out of there.” He pulls his brows into a deep frown.

  “He shouldn’t have taken you there in the first fucking place, George; it’s full of weirdos. They do a lot of drugs. They grow a lot of their own stuff, and they have orgies up there. They invite people up there, get them off their heads and then get them to join in.” He runs both his hands through his hair. “I’m all for a bit of free loving, George; threesomes are great as long as everyone is sane and consenting. It’s not all right to let someone get off their trolley and then watch them do things they would never normally do.” I wasn’t going to waste my time explaining I was all good up until that point; I would just have to warn Roman that Jax was on the warpath.

  “Anyway, Roman took me home, but I didn’t let him come in.” I think for a few seconds about the order in which I did things when I got home; I give a big yawn, suddenly feeling sleepy. “When I got in, I had a shower, but my heart was racing from the coke so I took a couple of Valium. They’re only a low dose, so I had a glass of wine as well.” Jackson’s shaking his head at me.

  “Are you fucking serious? You took two Valium and then had a glass of wine?” I nod and screw up my eyes.

  “I think I drunk the whole bottle.”

  “Great, it gets better! Are you fucking stupid, George?” I don’t honestly know.

  “I don’t know, Jax, I don’t know what I was thinking. I checked my messages on my phone, and for some reason, don’t ask me why, but I texted Cam.” As I speak, it all starts to come back to me.

  “Cam, as in Cameron, the bloke you—”

  “Yes,” I interrupt him.

  “Why?” he asks.

  “I don’t know… Something happened. During the night, something happened and it reminded me of him. I was… I felt lonely, and I don’t know, I just always felt safe with him. I just texted him and then he called me, but I can’t remember what was said.” I rack
my brain, and I remember I was tired and just wanted to sleep; I just wanted to shut my brain up for a while.

  And then it hits me.

  Oh, shit.

  The Valium.

  My eyes shoot up and meet Jackson’s.

  “I forgot,” I whisper.

  “Forgot what?”

  “I forgot that I took the Valium when I first got home. I drank the wine and my heart was still racing after I spoke to Cam, and my brain was just…” I shake my head as I try to think of what exactly was going on in my head last night, but I come up with nothing. “My brain just wouldn’t shut up.”

  “And?”

  “I took two Valium and went to sleep.”

  “Two more Valium?”

  I nod my head and close my eyes in shame. How could I have been so stupid? Well, I was, and now I have to face the consequences. I look back up at Jax; his shoulders slump, and I’m not sure if he’s relieved or disappointed.

  “Fuck, George: weed, coke, Valium and wine; you could’ve killed yourself, darl.” I could. That easily, that stupidly. I could still be lying in my bed now; cold, dead, alone, but would that be any different to living? Then a thought strikes me.

  “Why did you come over? What made you come to my place?”

  “Bailey rang me. It must have been Cam who rang Bailey, said he had spoken to you on the phone and you didn’t sound right, but he didn’t know where you were so he couldn’t go and check on you. It was about six in the morning when I got to you. I broke the door down and all I saw…” He stops talking and rubs his hand over the stubble on his jaw. His eyes fill with tears, and I feel so guilty at what I’ve done; what I’ve once again put people I love through.

  “Your arm was hanging off the side of the bed, you were at a horrible angle and there were pills all over the floor.” I cover my mouth with my hand and shake my head, trying to get the image from my brain. How must it have looked to Jackson? What must have been going through his mind when he walked in and saw me like that? “I slapped you, George. I slapped your face. I dragged you into the bathroom. I threw you into the shower and ran cold water on you. I stuck my fingers down your throat to make you vomit.” He stands up and paces the room as he talks then he stops and turns to look at me. “I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry in my life. After everything, George, after all the loss, all the devastation and heartbreak we’ve both been through, I couldn’t believe you would be so selfish and put me and your family through that.” He takes a few deep, calming breaths. “I probably slapped you harder than I should, so if your jaw or face hurt, I’m sorry.” I run my hand over my jaw and my cheek; they actually feel okay. I shrug and shake my head, trying to let him know it’s fine.