Carnage Boxset

by Jones, Lesley

  I get up and go to the fridge to top up my wine glass and I mean top it up. I even take a swig as I stand at the fridge and then top it up some more. I have a feeling this story is going to be hard to listen to. Ben waits for me to get comfortable before continuing, “When you left that day, it took us a good hour to try and calm him down. In the end, Robbie asked the doctor to give him something. Then we had him locked in his room for two weeks, just till we were sure he wouldn’t go and get straight on the piss again or the Charlie… Or,” he looks at me for a few seconds, “come looking for you.”

  “Me?”

  He nods slowly. “He had it in his head that when you were there at the flat that day he was fucked up, that he heard you tell Robbie that you loved him. Cam I mean, he reckons he heard you say that you loved him, but you just hadn’t realised it until then.” Oh, God. I sip my wine and stare down at my glass. “He was convinced if he could just see ya, talk to ya, that you’d come back to him.” He sips his drink. “He was convinced that you’d eventually see sense and come walking through the door.” I remember the conversation clearly. I remember the whole day. I think it was the day that I first realised that I might, quite possibly be in love with two men.

  “He didn’t imagine it, Ben. I did say it. I did tell Robbie that I loved Cam.”

  He raises his eyebrows again, then frowns. “So why did you leave him? Why’d you go back to Maca?”

  I know he’ll never understand this, but we’re being honest here so I give it my best shot at explaining. “Because I couldn’t not be with Sean. I had to be with him, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t love Cam. I know it doesn’t make sense, Ben, but that’s all I’ve got, and the thing is, even after all these years, even while I was happily married and in love with my husband, I still loved Cam.”

  Benny shakes his head. “Fucking women, I don’t know. I can’t fathom you out. You baffle me, the lot of ya.”

  I smile. “You married, Ben?”

  He shakes his head. “Not any more. I was for a coupla years. Didn’t work out.”

  “That’s a shame.”

  He nods. “Yeah, we probably didn’t try hard enough. We were young and stupid, and doing what I do for a living, it weren’t really fair. I was out all hours and she was stuck at home with the baby.” Benny has a child. I had no idea.

  “You have kids? I didn’t know.”

  He nods. “Just the one. She’s twenty-four now. Her name’s India.” He nods and smiles as he speaks, obviously proud. “She’s just started an internship for some big advertising company in New York.”

  “Oh, wow, a clever girl then?”

  “Yep, she went to a good school and then on to Oxford.” He pauses for a second and looks at me. “Cam paid for her education. Like I said, George, that’s just the kind of bloke he is.” Wow. Before I get a chance to speak my phone rings. It’s my mum.

  “Mother.”

  “How are you, Georgia? Can we expect you home today? You’re only just back in the country and I’ve seen nothing of you. Will you be home tonight?” I can’t tell her what’s unfolded here this morning. She will have a meltdown so I bend the truth a little bit.

  “I won’t be home tonight, but I’ll be home tomorrow. Cam’s had to go and sort out some business so we’ve not really had a chance to talk too much yet.”

  “Oh, George,” she huffs into the phone, “are you sure about all this? Are you ready to start something new?” I chew on my lip as I listen to her.

  “I don’t know, Mum. That’s why we need to talk. That’s what we need to sort out.” Again, it’s not entirely the truth, but I’m not sure what my family are going to think about me diving headfirst into a relationship with Cam. I have a feeling it’ll go along the lines of ‘oh, fuck, here we go again!’. We’re both quiet for a few seconds. “I do love him, Mum. I don’t think I’ve ever stopped.”

  “Well then you go for it, Georgia. You grab it and hold onto it. Nobody’s promised tomorrow, George. You of all people have learnt that the hardest way possible, and if you think that being with Cam is right for you, then you bloody well go for it. I just want you to be happy. Happy and safe, George, that’s all I want.” She’s crying as she speaks. I’m crying as I listen.

  “I love you, Mum. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through, not just this past year, but you know, all the times I’ve put you through shit. I know it’s not been easy having me as a daughter.” She makes a noise and I think it’s somewhere between a sob and a laugh.

  “Georgia, it’s an absolute pleasure and a privilege to be your mum. I’m so very proud of you and how far you’ve come these past few months.” I take a gulp of my wine to try and help swallow down the golf ball that’s wedged in my throat.

  “But they’re gonna hate me. You know that right, Mum? The newspapers and the fans, they’re all gonna hate me and Cam being together. They’ll dig up dirt and they’ll print lies.” I think the alcohol, combined with jet lag and the D and M I’ve been having with Benny have sent my head spinning. I feel a little bit out of control and hysterical. I want Cam here. I need him here, but I feel guilty for that. I should be more understanding of Tamara’s situation, but I’m not. I resent her. I’m jealous of her and her pregnancy, and I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be that person.

  “Fuck them, Georgia.” My mother just swore. I’m stunned into silence. “Fuck the press and the fans and everyone else who feels they have a right to an opinion on your life. It’s nothing to do with anyone but you and Cameron. Like you told us all yesterday, it’s your life. Everyone just needs to take a step back and trust you to make the right choices.” She actually sounds angry and I laugh nervously at her outburst. I take a sip of my wine and spit it everywhere as she continues, “Now you go and enjoy every one of those nine inches he’s got on offer, because if I was in your shoes, I know that I bloody well would.” I wipe my chin and check Benny staring wide-eyed at me.

  “Mother!” I shriek. “Seriously, you’re spending too much time with Ash, now go. I’ll be home tomorrow. I love you.”

  I can hear the smile in her voice as she says, “Go, enjoy. I love you.” I end the call and watch as Benny wipes my spat wine off the coffee table.

  I pull the throw up around my neck and pull my knees up to my chest as I turn into the corner of Cam’s big comfy sofa and lay down. I’m suddenly feeling cold and very, very tired.

  * * *

  I open my eyes and look straight into pools of chocolate brown and my stomach flips and twists around in a random pattern. He presses a long wet kiss to my forehead and says, “Go upstairs and take your clothes off. I need to be inside you, Kitten.” Never in my life have I done as I’m told. But without saying a word, I stand and walk to the stairs. I put my foot on the first step and turn and look at him. He’s still crouched down at the side of the sofa, watching me. I pull his T-shirt over my head and watch as his eyes widen slightly as he takes me in. His tongue flicks out and over his top lip. Then he rakes his teeth over his bottom, his eyes on my naked chest as he stands up straight and starts walking towards me. I turn and start walking up the stairs. Once inside the bedroom, I pull off his boxer shorts I’ve been wearing and slide into the unmade bed. The sheets are rumpled and smell of us and sex.

  Cam walks past me and into the bathroom. I hear the shower turn on and my thoughts instantly turn dark and I wonder why he needs to shower. Does he smell of her? There’s no clock in this room so I’ve no way of telling what the time is. It’s dark outside, but that’s about all I know. He walks back into the bedroom minutes later, completely naked and his body glistening with the rivulets of water running down his toned body. He really is magnificent and I want to lick him, flick my tongue over those water droplets and I feel envious of that water. It’s touching him in places I haven’t been able to all day and I wonder if she’s been touching him. That’s when my stupid mouth makes an appearance.

  “Why did you shower again? You only just showered this morning before she
showed up.” He frowns, while rubbing his hair dry on a towel, but says nothing as he sits on the edge of the bed. “Where have you been all this time?” I sit up as I ask. I’m starting to feel hot and angry and I don’t wait for his reply before continuing, “Did you smell of her? Did you need to wash the smell of her from your skin so you could fuck me with a clear conscience?” He stands, throws the towel on the floor and places his big hands on his hips.

  “I showered because I smelt of hospital. I smelt of that horrible hospital smell.” He raises his eyebrows and nods towards me as he speaks, “Now I don’t know about you, but that’s not one of my favourite smells and I assumed it most definitely wouldn’t be one of yours, either.” His eyes are locked on mine. I blink in complete synchronisation with the deep breaths that I take as wave after wave of shame, guilt and embarrassment at the whole new level of bitch I’ve just unleashed.

  “I’m sorry,” I say quietly, still not taking my eyes from his. He gives a slight raise of his eyebrows.

  “Are you?”

  I nod slowly. “I don’t know where all that came from. You were gone so long. I…” I crumble, every single insecure microcell of my being rushes to the surface, to my brain, out of my mouth. They join together and form words and tears and I lose complete control. “She’s pregnant. She’s pregnant, Cam. She’s carrying your baby and I can never do that. I can never give you that and I don’t want to be jealous of her, but I am and I’m so scared. I love you and I want us to work, but she’s there. Already she’s in my face with her baby bump and I can’t ever have one of those.” I almost choke as the words just rush and rush and keep on coming. “I want to get fat. I want to feel your baby move inside me. I’d eat the right things and never take drugs or do anything that might hurt the baby.” I’m making no sense, but I still don’t shut up. “She doesn’t care and I do and it’s not fair. It’s not fair, Cam.” I hold my head in my hands and stare down into my naked lap, trying to let some air into my lungs and some clear and sane thoughts into my head.

  “Do you want my baby, Georgia, or do you just want a baby, anyone’s baby?” What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

  “What?” He hasn’t moved from where he stood earlier, still naked, his hands still on his hips.

  “Sounds to me like you just want a baby. She’s got one, so you want one.” He tilts his chin towards me. “Spoilt little Kitten, always wanting everything her way, always wanting everything, full stop, no matter who gets hurt along the way.” My mouth must drop open. “Don’t look at me like that. How the fuck d’ya think that makes me feel? Like I’m not enough; that’s how.” I know my eyes and my mouth are both now open wide.

  “That’s not what I meant at all!”

  “Then what’s wrong with me, George. Why can’t you be happy with just me?”

  I’m at a loss for words, but I struggle on. “I… I didn’t mean that. You are enough. I’m just… I was just…” I shake my head slowly as I speak, “I want to be able to give you everything you deserve. I owe you. I owe you so much and I’m just so sorry that I can’t. I can give you a baby, if that’s what you want. I can try my best to do that, but I can’t grow it inside me and I want to. I want to be able to do that for you, with you.”

  My mum’s words come shouting their way into my head ‘nobody’s promised tomorrow, George’ and I don’t know if it’s those words that have stirred all this up and are making me realise with absolute clarity I’ve wasted far too much of my life feeling guilty, feeling judged, and all I know, right now in this very minute, is that I love Cam and I’m not going to hide it. The press, the newspapers and Sean’s fans can all go and fuck themselves. I know it’s only been a year, and I know, I know that of all the people I could be with, there’re so many reasons why I shouldn’t be with Cam, but I love him. I love him and I want to be with him. I don’t want to wait. I want to rush in, dive in, crash land head first.

  I’ve lived the rest of my life at a million miles an hour, growing up way too fast, doing things I really shouldn’t have been doing at far too young an age, but I did them regardless. And somehow, by the skin of my teeth, I’ve survived everything life’s thrown at me. Well, I’m a grown woman now and this is what I want and I’m not planning on letting anyone stop me. I never would’ve thought my mum of all people would be the one to make me see the light, but she has, ‘grab it with both hands,’ she said, and right now, that’s exactly what I intend to do. I’m sick of feeling like I’m barely hanging on. I’m sick of guilt clawing at my insides. I love Sean. I’ll always love Sean, but I also love Cam and I’m no longer going to try and justify it to anyone, least of all to myself.

  “How?” he asks quietly. I look up from my lap and my eyes meet his. He looks so sad and I’m not sure if it’s me or himself he’s feeling sorry for. “How can you give me a baby? Not that it matters. I don’t care. You’re all I want. You’re enough for me. I just want to know how you think you—”

  “I have eggs,” I interrupt him. He frowns, deeply, then rakes his hand through his hair.

  “What?” Confusion is written all over his face.

  “I have eggs. They’ve been frozen. I still have one ovary, and the last time it was checked, it was still working, so I had some fertility treatment earlier in the year. I’ve got eight eggs frozen in a lab somewhere in West London.”

  He comes and sits on the bed next to me.

  “Why didn’t you tell me this?”

  I let out a long sigh. “The topic just never came up.” I shake my head. “What does it matter? Why would I need to tell you about my unfertilised eggs that are sitting frozen in a lab? We’ve just found each other again. We’re just trying to reconnect. Fuck, Tiger, I don’t know.” I shake my head some more. “Why’s it never been easy for us d’ya reckon? Why’s there always something that comes between us?” He looks down at my naked body and then down at his own and I watch as his cock twitches. His eyes come up to meet mine.

  “There’s nothing between us now, Kitten, nothing at all, and I would really, really, like to be inside you.” I give him a small smile.

  “You don’t like me. I’m spoilt and want everything my own way, remember?”

  He winks at me. “Don’t mean that I don’t wanna fuck ya.” He reaches out and squeezes my nipple, just a little too hard, but it’s nice. I enjoy the pain. I’m feeling angry and determined. I don’t want him to make love to me. I want him to fuck me. “I’m gonna fuck you till you scream,” he says as he stands up. He yanks my legs hard that I slide down the bed, flat on my back. He pushes my legs apart and drops to his knees. Looking up at me from between them, he says, “But first, Kitten…” He ducks his head down and laps at me with his big wide tongue and I let out a moan, then bite my lip so as not to laugh out loud at the slutty noise I just made. He looks up at me with a cocky smile on his wet lips. “First, I’m gonna make you purr.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I’m lying in Cam’s big bed, wrapped in Cam’s big arms, my back pressed into Cam’s big chest. He consumes me, smothers me and I’m feeling more at peace than I have in a long, long time. He strokes the tips of his fingers up and down the middle of my belly, causing goose bumps to rush across my skin in little waves. His left hand is draped over me and cupping my right boob, and as my body reacts to his gentle strokes, my nipple hardens against his palm. He must notice and strums it with his index finger. I feel his cock twitch against my bum and I grind back into him fractionally.

  “Fuck, I love the way your body reacts to mine. Every time, every touch, Kitten, I fucking love it,” he sighs the words more than says them, and then kisses the back and side of my neck. My scalp prickles, and if I had a dick, it would’ve been instantly hard in that moment and I can’t help but smile. My cheek is pressed into his shoulder and he must feel the movement. “What you smiling at?” His breath fans across my ear as he speaks and I shudder. His mobile rings, the sound carries to the bedroom from downstairs.

  “You getting that?” I ask.
>
  “Na, fuck ‘em. They’ll manage without me for a bit.” He kisses the top of my head and squeezes me tighter. “So,” he says.

  “So what?” I ask.

  “These eggs of yours?” My stomach feels like it’s on the helter skelter at Southend Sea Front. Starting from somewhere in my chest, it spirals down and down, around and around until it hits the floor, then bounces back up to my chest and repeats the process.

  “What about them?” I swallow and ask.

  “Well, I know my spunk is pretty potent stuff, Kitten, but how the fuck d’ya expect my swimmers to reach them if they’re frozen solid in West London somewhere?” I turn around in his arms and face him.

  “Cam, this is… we need to talk about this.”

  He kisses my nose. “I thought that’s what we were doing.”

  The only light in the room is coming from above the mirror in the bathroom, but I can see his eyes are on me. They look almost black.

  “We’ve done more fucking than talking.”

  “Best conversations ever.” He winks as he speaks.

  “I’m being serious,” I huff.

  “Me too, never more so.” He leans in and kisses me, so, so softly on the mouth and I give a slight groan and close my eyes. Every time, every time he gets me. I don’t know what it is. Perhaps it’s because he’s so big and hard and manly, but whenever he says or does something, like touching or kissing me gently, it just does things to my insides and my heart threatens to burst.

  “Life’s fucked, Kitten. It’s cruel and twisted and it does spiteful things to good people.” He closes his eyes for a few seconds and then brushes his nose against mine. “We’ve both learnt that in the worst ways possible and it’s made me realise one thing. I thought about it nonstop all the way home from the hospital earlier.” His eyes are all over my face as he speaks. “If we’re doing this, George, you and me, then let’s just fucking do it.” I watch as his Adam’s apple moves as he swallows. “I’m too old to fuck about waiting. We’ve both lost too many people. We both know how everything can change in a second, so let’s just get on with it, no fannying around.”