Carnage Boxset

by Jones, Lesley

  “D’ya think he’s trying to tell me something, Ben?”

  He keeps staring straight ahead and says, matter-of-factly, “Only that he’s here with ya, George.”

  I nod and let out a sob. “D’ya think he is, Ben?”

  “Of course he is, George. He’ll be around whenever you need him to be.” I wipe my nose on the back of my hand in a way that would earn me a slap from Mum and just as Sean’s voice fades away, “Wherever you will go” by The Calling starts playing and Ben turns and winks at me.

  “See, when I’m right, I’m right, George.”

  * * *

  Marley is sitting out the front of Jim and Lennon’s house when Benny drops me off after giving me a big cuddle and wishing me luck. I don’t need him to hang about, I’ll get a lift to Len’s office from one of my brothers.

  I stand on the drive looking at my brother sitting on the bench beside the front door. It’s eight thirty in the morning and Marley’s sipping on what looks like bourbon, he tilts the glass towards me.

  “Little sister Georgia.” I walk over to the bench and sit down next to him.

  “Big brother Marley, little early ain’t it?” His arm is resting along the back of the chair and he drapes it over my shoulder and kisses the top of my head.

  “It’s bourbon o’clock somewhere in the world, G.” I turn and study his face. He’s very good looking, my brother Marley, all my brothers are handsome but in different ways. Bails has that typical East End villain look about him, especially now that he shaves his head. There’s something a little bit rough and dangerous looking about him. Lennon looks like he’s just stepped off a catwalk or the cover of a magazine, very smooth and loves a designer suit, even on his days off, and Marley, my big brother Marley, has that dark and brooding rock star look about him. His hair is short and spikey and he has tattoos all over his arms, neck and body. All very different, but with the same dark eyes, and all very handsome, but at the end of the day, they’re just my big brothers and my best friends.

  “What’s up, Marls? Why ya drinking bourbon this early in the day? You all right?” He lets out a long sigh and I lean away from him so I can see his face.

  “Yes and no… I dunno. It’s hard, George, ya know?” His dark eyes meet mine, “I miss him. I’m sorry, George. Fuck, I’m sorry.” He covers his mouth with his hand and tries to compose himself. I hold onto my brother and let him know it’s okay to cry. “I got to hold his baby, George. I know he was dead, but I got to hold Beau and he never did, Maca never even got to see his boy, George. It’s not fair. It’s so not fair.” He sits up straight and knocks back his drink. “Ahhh, fuck, George, what a wanker. I just want you to be happy, G. You’ve been through so much. I just want you to be happy and settled. Where’s the big bloke anyway? Scared we were all gonna give him shit coz of the newspaper stories?”

  I shake my head. “Na, his little boy’s not well, so I told him to go be with him. I can do this on my own. I’ll just call him once we know.” We both stand up.

  “Come on then. Let’s get this ‘piss on a stick’ party started,” Marley says, grabbing my hand and leading me into the house.

  * * *

  When I walk inside I see Jim, Len and Ash all sitting around the bench top in Jimmie’s huge kitchen. She looks up and smiles as she sees me come in.

  She looks around me at Marley and frowns, asking, “Where’s TDH?”

  I sigh, feeling pissed off that Cam’s not with me, and the fact that I’m now going to have to justify his choice to my family. I instantly feel like a complete bitch. I’m a grown woman. I can do this on my own. Harry’s just a little baby, who has an irresponsible mother. The least I can do is not sulk about his dad being with him.

  “Harry’s not well. He’s had to drive over to see him.” Ash and Len are both looking at me now.

  “And are you okay with that?” Len asks.

  Before I can reply, Marley drops his arm over my shoulder and says, “Of course she is. She’s got all of us here.” I fold my arms across my chest. I know it’s a defensive move, but that’s what I feel like I need to do, defend Cam’s decision not to be here.

  “He was all set to come, but I could see he was worried about Harry.” I look around the table at the three pairs of eyes on me. “Harry has no one else, except a psycho junkie mother. I have all of you. I told him to go.” Ash stands up and comes and gives me a cuddle.

  “Well, I’d be disappointed in the bloke if he’d done anything different.”

  I smile at Ash and shrug. “Thanks,” I tell her. There’re a few moments of silence, which is only awkward because it’s something that rarely happens when there’s more than one of us in a room together.

  “Right, well, let’s do this.” Jim stands up and picks up a bag obviously containing home pregnancy tests. My mouth is so dry that I’m having a job to swallow. None of this feels real. It’s all been spoken about for so long; I’ve gone over it in my head so many times, and now here we are.

  “You okay, George? You look a little pale.” I feel myself sway as I get this strange numbness rush through my legs.

  “Shit,” I hear Marley say from beside me, sounding as though he’s underwater. I see Lennon getting down from his stool and start to move towards me. Everything seems to be happening in slow motion until my surroundings start to fade away. I know I’m fainting. I know there’s nothing I can do, but for a few seconds, I try to fight it anyway. I think it’s just instinct.

  I feel something cold on my face and open my eyes. My head is pounding and my vision is blurred still. I blink a few times, trying to bring everything into focus. My eyes meet Jimmie’s worried stare as she wipes my face with a flannel.

  “It’s been a bit of a weekend. What with Cam’s blow job and then Sean was trying to talk to me in the car.” Don’t ask. It’s obviously what must’ve been going through my brain and it just escaped out of my mouth. I watch as Jimmie looks from side to side without moving her head. She’s obviously hoping for some back up, but no one says a word.

  “I actually have no response to that comment.” She smiles at me. “Have you eaten this morning? And I don’t mean your usual coffee and chocolate digestive.” I nod.

  “What did you have?” Marley asks from over my shoulder. It’s his lap that I’m sort of half lying in. I must’ve gone down at an awkward angle and he’s caught me best he could.

  “I had two coffees and a chocolate digestive,” I tell him.

  “For fuck’s sake, George, you’re like a skeleton. You need to fucking eat.” I turn and look at Marley. He shakes his head.

  “That was Len, not me.” I turn my head in the opposite direction and come eye to eye with Len kneeling at my side. Ash is standing behind him with her hands on her hips.

  “I’m sorry. Let me get up. I’m fine.” The boys help me stand, slowly, then lead me over to the living area and sit me on the sofa. Ash passes me a glass of water.

  “Drink that, G, then we need to do this. I’m seriously in need of a waz.” I drink my water, and my head and vision clear.

  “Go,” I tell Ash.

  “Hang on,” Jim calls out, “I’m just making you some tea and toast.” Ash rolls her eyes.

  “Sit down, babe,” Marley tells her. “If you stop pacing, you won’t need to go so badly.” Ash actually sits down without argument, which is most unlike her, and it suddenly strikes me how much pressure her and Jimmie must be feeling.

  Jim comes in with tea for everyone and a plateful of buttery toast.

  “I didn’t know who was hungry,” Jim says, always the mother hen.

  “Me,” Ash says. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve not stopped eating this past…” She trails off as we all stare at her. A massive smile breaks out on her face. She shakes her head. “I don’t need to do this test. I know I’m pregnant.” We all take a slice of toast and sip our tea. Nobody speaks a word.

  * * *

  Fifteen minutes later, we are all standing around the kitchen bench,
staring at the six home pregnancy tests that are sitting on a piece of kitchen roll.

  I’ve called Cam four times, but have got no reply and I’m feeling a combination of hurt, anger, concern and a whole lot of stress. I’m really worried now that there’s something seriously wrong with Harry and that’s why I can’t get a hold of Cam. I’m also feeling sick to my stomach as I stand and wait to see how many lines the sticks will reveal. I swallow hard and try to push down the desire to vomit.

  “Breathe, George, take a deep breath in through your nose. You look like you’re gonna faint again, babe,” Len tells me, and as if by magic, two lines appear on the first stick. It belongs to Ash.

  My eyes are instantly on Marley, who’s wearing the biggest of grins. “Fuck, we did it, G.” Ash smacks his shoulder.

  “We. We. What the fuck did you have to do with any of this?” Before he can say anything, I hear Jimmie’s whispered, “Fuck.” I look down at her sticks. All three of them have two lines on; in fact, all six now have two lines on.

  “We did it, G. We fucking did it,” Jimmie whispers with tears streaming down her face.

  “We did,” I reply. “Oh, my God, we did. You’re both pregnant. I… Two babies, maybe.” “Why are you two whispering?” Ash whispers.

  “I don’t know,” I reply and we all start to laugh.

  We spend the next half an hour popping champagne corks, calling my parents and Bailey and then Dr Shepherd’s office.

  The girls have an appointment to see him on Wednesday and he will carry out another pregnancy test, just to be sure.

  The only person I don’t get to talk to is Cam, but I push down the disappointment I feel at that and spend the journey into the office staring at my phone, willing it to ring.

  It’s almost lunch time when I finally get a call that shows his name on the screen. “Kitten, I’m so sorry. I had a meeting with the doctor and a nurse. She’s stitched me right up. I had to get the fuck out of there for a bit, so I took the baby for a walk. I put the phone in the pram, but she took it out and hid it. I found out how she did it. I know how she got pregnant.”

  I struggle to breathe. I’ve been worried sick, not only about the tests, but for his baby, and he’s been out walking in the sun. With her. With his family.

  “Kitten…” I can’t do this. It’s not going to work. I can’t share him. I’m fundamentally a selfish person and I can’t share him. If it was just the baby, it would be fine, but it’s her. I can’t lie to him or myself and pretend that I’m okay with him spending time with her, because I’m not and it would just eat me alive. I would end up as bitter and twisted as she is and I’ve got two babies of my own to worry about now and I don’t want to be that person.

  Lennon takes the phone from my hand and I realise that I’m standing in the middle of his office with tears running down my face.

  “See you, you piss taking cunt? You best stay the fuck away from me. After everything you put her through over the weekend, you then don’t even bother to pick up your phone today.”

  I listen as my quiet brother, the mild-mannered, diplomatic one, loses his shit with Cam.

  “No, you listen to me, and you listen fucking good. She’s been worried sick all morning. She fucking passed out on my kitchen floor earlier because she got herself in such a state. Ya know what, King, you don’t deserve her and you don’t deserve them kids. Now get Benny to come and pick her up. I’m sending her home.”

  He ends the call and passes the phone back to me. “I’m sorry, George, but I fucking hate seeing you like this. He should’ve been with you today. After everything you’ve been through, he should’ve been with you.”

  I sit down at my desk and wait for Ben to arrive without saying another word. Luckily, Marley is out of the office; otherwise, I’m sure he would also have something to say.

  I look up as I hear Lisa, Lennon’s receptionist, shouting twenty minutes later. Len ends the call that he’s on and gets up from his desk.

  “Wait here,” he orders. Really? Does he not know me better than that? I follow him out.

  Cam is making his way around the entire floor, opening office doors and calling my name. He sees me as he backs out of the office next to Len’s.

  “Kitten, I’m so fucking sorry. She set me up. She fucking set me up and I fell for...”

  Len hits him so hard, I see stars. He turns around to me and says, while shaking his hand, “Get him the fuck out before Marley gets back and does some real damage.”

  He walks past me into his office, and I’m amazed Cam is still standing, and once again wiping blood from his lip.

  “I deserved that,” he says quietly, his eyes locked on mine.

  “Yes, you did,” I reply. “Wait there while I fetch my bag.”

  * * *

  We drive the ten minutes it takes to get to the apartment in silence. I want to be calm and I want to be reasonable when I hear what he has to say. That’s the plan anyway.

  We stand in opposite corners of the lift on the ride up and I let him take my hand in his while we take the ten or so steps to the apartment door. There are four apartments on the top floor, one in each corner. Each of them a penthouse with a roof terrace.

  As soon as we step inside and the door closes he pulls me to him.

  “It was the wrong thing to do. You needed me. I should’ve been with you. Come in here and sit down. I need to tell you what happened.”

  I follow him to the kitchen and sit on a stool. I watch him as he pulls a bottle of wine and a beer from the fridge. He pours wine into a glass and sets it in front of me. His eyes haven’t met mine since we left Len’s office, and I have this horrible panicky feeling in the pit of my belly and my chest for some reason. I don’t know if it’s being caused by the fact that I’m trying so hard to remain calm or because I’m expecting him to tell me something I don’t want to hear.

  He drinks his beer, draining the bottle in a few swallows, then reaches up into the cupboard where he keeps his bourbon and pours himself one of those into a whisky tumbler over some ice.

  He leans back against the sink, crosses one leg in front of the other and finally looks at me.

  “The baby was absolutely fine when I got there this morning. The doctor had just seen him and he was fine, temperature normal. Then he asked if he could speak to me on my own.” He takes a swallow of his drink, the ice clinking as he tilts the glass. “Have you eaten, Kitten? You look terrible. You’ve got no colour in your cheeks.”

  I give a small laugh and wrap my arms around myself, suddenly feeling cold. It’s a warm June day outside and the air con has clicked on in the apartment.

  “Just tell me what you have to tell me, Cam.” He frowns as he looks at me. He really has no idea how much I’m hurting right now. He rakes his hand through his hair, then over his beard. It’s something he does when he’s stressed or trying to think.

  “You’ve every right to be angry, but please believe me when I tell you I’m sorry. I should’ve been with you today. You should’ve been my priority.”

  I shake my head. “No, Cam, Harry should’ve been your priority. You were worried. I totally get that and do not have a problem with you being with your son. What hurts is you spending time with her, not being available when I called you because you were out walking in the sun with her.”

  He frowns and shakes his head. “I wasn’t out walking with her, I took the baby out for a walk to get away from her.” He moves towards me and leans forward on the other side of the kitchen bench. “I didn’t tell you this because I didn’t know how you’d feel about it, but I asked the nurse who looks after the baby if she could find out how Tamara got pregnant. Whatever you might believe, I’ve never had unprotected sex with her and it’s frustrated the fuck out of me trying to work out how it happened.”

  “And did you?” I asked, wondering where this is going.

  He nods. “When I had to go in the wank room at the fertility clinic, I asked them how long sperm usually live for once you shoot your bolt
.” I raise my eyebrows at this.

  “And?”

  “Inside a woman, three to five days, out in the open, a couple of hours.”

  “Right… And?”

  “Well, then the nurse, you know, Wendy, the funny one? She tells me a story about how her mate got pregnant on purpose by using a syringe to suck spunk out of a condom her boyfriend had left in the bathroom bin and injecting it up into herself.”

  I suddenly feel hot and my heart begins to race. I know my mouth is hanging open as I shake my head. “She didn’t... I mean, where did you… What did you do with the condom the last time… It was in Ibiza wasn’t it?”

  He nods. “Yeah, the thieving fucker robbed me, took my wallet and my watch. And, it turns out, she took the fucking condom with her, too.” I close my eyes for a few seconds while I try and push the horrible anger down inside me. God, I want to punch that bitch’s face in right now. “And it wasn’t the first time. Wendy, the nurse, has become really pally with her the last few weeks. I did a bit of research, found out she was a bit behind on her mortgage and needed a new car so I helped her out on that score. Just a little bit.”

  “You bribed the nurse?” Oh, for fuck’s sake.

  “No,” he stands up straight, “I just sort of persuaded her.”

  “With a new car and some cash to pay off her debts?”

  “No,” he replies indignantly, “I got her a better car than she had but it wasn’t new, and I didn’t give her any cash. I paid what she owed on her mortgage straight into her mortgage account.”

  “Cam, it’s the same thing. At the end of the day, you bribed her.” He lets out a long sigh.

  “This is exactly the reason I didn’t tell you. Considering who your dad is, you’re so straight sometimes, Kitten.”