The Kissing Tutor

by Sally Henson

  Madi’s arm came around my shoulder. “She’s such a b—”

  “Stop.” I raised my hand. I needed to get out of here. “Where’s Roan?”

  Gabe barreled through the crowd and shut the TV off. He grumbled something and dispersed those standing around.

  Summer answered, pointing a thumb behind her. “He was in the media room. We just left there. It’s down the hall, second door on the right.”

  I wiped at the tears that leaked over my lashes. The door to the house seemed a mile away. I rubbed my stomach, not sure I could make the walk of shame without losing it. “Could you keep London away from me?”

  Summer rubbed her palms together. “I’d be happy to.”

  “I’ll help,” Madi growled. She squeezed my shoulder. “You okay by yourself?”

  I nodded.

  “Let’s go,” Summer said and spun around.

  Madi joined her. London saw them coming and skirted closer to Styles, who was talking with a group of guys.

  One foot in front of the other, Tommie.

  I repeated the mantra until I reached the inside of the house. Women’s voices drifted from the kitchen. My face was sure to be red and splotchy, and I didn’t want them to see me.

  I thought this night would be one where Roan and I would go public as a couple. Not be a reminder of prom.

  Dad should have been home for my graduation, but he was still in Afghanistan.

  My stomach twisted, and I pressed my hand against it. Almost there. I crossed the room quickly and quietly to the hallway.

  “Come on.” James’ voice echoed down the empty hall.

  The voices lowered. I followed the low rumble. Was it the second door on the left or right? The first door was a bathroom. I peeked around the second door on the right. Professional baseball, basketball, and football jerseys, all framed, hung on the three walls I could see. A screen hung from the ceiling with a baseball game playing from a projector, also hanging from the ceiling toward the back of the room.

  Roan and James stood between two rows of black leather theater-style recliners. Both had their arms folded tight against their chests.

  “Just own up to it,” James said.

  Roan shook his head. “That’s not what happened.”

  James’ bicep flexed before he said, “I was sitting in my car, waiting for the rain to die down. I saw you.”

  “We’re friends. That’s it.” Roan stood as still as Adonis.

  “Looked like more than that to me.” When Roan didn’t respond, James let out a curse and then chuckled. “So what are you saying? It’s a friends with benefits thing? How long’s this been going on? Because she sure didn’t act like she’d been kissed at prom.”

  Roan’s arms unfolded. His hands moved to clamp his waist as he squared up to James.

  I stepped back around the corner and flattened my back against the wall of the hallway. Tears fell as my chest twisted even more. Were they talking about that day we went to the batting cages at Home Run Park?

  Roan kissed me in the rain. It was so amazing, I didn’t remember saying one word on the way home. That definitely wasn’t a kissing lesson. And neither was the hot tub afterward.

  “It’s not like that,” Roan said.

  My eyes burned with the tears I’d been trying to hold back. I needed my best friend. But there he was, denying that he kissed me. Denying that we were anything but friends.

  My chest shuddered. I couldn’t hear another word. I escaped back down the hall to the entry and bolted out the front door as a sob slipped out.

  I didn’t think anyone saw me. The warm night air clung to my hair. It was probably limp and stringy after the walk on the beach. I swallowed and swallowed, holding off the shame as I fled down the sidewalk to the road.

  Roan drove. I could call Cayla, but I didn’t want to explain what happened. Not until I was away from the party. I rushed down the road. My sandals clopped against the pavement. At least there was no traffic, no one to run into.

  As I passed the fancy homes, tears, increased until my vision blurred. That didn’t stop me from leaving. This was the worst night of my life.

  Dad chose another Marine unit over coming home for my graduation. To Dad, I was just a mouth to feed.

  London and the others continued to rub my nose in the stupid prom picture.

  My baby sister got more dates her freshman year than I had my whole life. Even got invited to the party and by this point I was sure my invitation had been a mistake.

  And my best friend was ashamed to admit he kissed me.

  Everything Roan told me was a lie. I would always be Tommie the Tomboy. Nothing but one of the guys. A buddy. The girl who fish-lipped James Lowe at prom.

  27

  Even though my feet burned with the start of blisters, I ran all the way home. When I reached the front steps, sweat covered my skin and dripped down the middle of my chest. I clasped my fingers together on top of my head and tried to catch my breath before I went inside. The scent of sweat mixed with gardenias filled my nose. It was cooler at James’ house with the breeze blowing in from the ocean, but I wanted to be as far away from there as I could get.

  After a few seconds, I reached into my pocket for my phone to send Madi a message, but it wasn’t there. Did I leave it? Drop it?

  Ugh. I couldn’t believe it. Prom was nothing compared to the events of tonight.

  My eyes stung with another round of tears ready to spill. I had to get inside before a neighbor asked me what was wrong. I found the hidden key, unlocked the door, and climbed the stairs to the bathroom. As soon as I shut the door, I flipped the lock and tried to breathe.

  I knew I had to look like a wreck since I cried most of the way. I probably ruined the dress from wiping my snot on it. I went straight to the sink to rinse my face with cold water. It didn’t help that I was a shaking, out-of-breath mess with a broken heart.

  I turned on the faucet, cupping my unsteady hands underneath, and splashed my face a few times before shutting it off. It helped to slow my breathing some. I reached for the towel and patted my face dry.

  That had to have been close to a three-mile jog. In sandals. Ugh, my feet burned. Skimpy shoes were not made to run in.

  I eased my butt onto the counter and slipped the strap off the back of my heel, wincing. The trashed shoe dropped to the floor. My breath caught from the pain. I did the same with the other and inspected the source of the pain. A large blister was forming on the ball of my foot, another on my big toe, and one on my heel where the back-strap had rubbed. I checked the other foot and found the same.

  I thought cool water might help. I turned on the faucet again, soaking my feet in the sink. A tear fell from the corner of my eye, and then another. It seemed I had an endless supply of them. I wiped my cheek and shut the water off. A knock sounded at the door.

  “Tommie?” It was Mom. “Is that you?”

  I sniffed and cleared my throat, hoping she couldn’t tell what a mess I was by my voice. “Yeah.”

  “Are you okay, sweetie?” she asked. “Madison says you’re not answering your phone.”

  Was I okay? My chest shuddered, bringing on a flood of tears and snot. I’m not okay. I’m a total reject. “I lost it.”

  “At the party?” she asked.

  “No, I don’t know. I’m sorry.” My voice cracked at the last word.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked, concern weaving through her voice.

  I sniffed and swallowed. “Yeah. I’m going to take a shower.” I needed one. The back of my neck was matted with my sweaty hair. I hadn’t even looked in the mirror. I was afraid to.

  I eased my feet onto the cool tiled floor. Ouch. I sucked in a breath through my teeth. That would not work. I rolled my feet against the floor until the weight rested on the outer edge of my soles.

  The door handle rattled as if Mom was about to come in, but I had it locked. “Okay, then. Good night.”

  “Night,” I squeaked, my voice not holding up from t
he new wave of tears. I took a step, turned on the shower, and stripped. There was no way I could stand in the shower. I’d have to sit on the edge of the tub.

  After my shower, I crept to my room and closed the door to put on pajamas in the dark. The pain from the blisters on my feet was too much. I literally crawled into my bed. I wished Juju was in here to keep me company. I thought prom was the worst night of my life. Tonight topped it by at least ten times.

  I curled up underneath my sheet with the box of tissues, wiping my already snotty nose.

  At least James wasn’t afraid to be with me in public. Our kiss might have been humiliating, but not as bad as falling for your best friend and then finding out he lied about feeling the same way.

  Sob after sob took over. My body shook with every one. Loneliness settled in and made my insides ache in places I didn’t even know existed.

  A gentle hand rubbed my arm.

  I turned to see my mom taking a seat on my bed. I hadn’t even heard her come in.

  “Oh, Tommie,” she said softly. Her fingers moved the damp hair from my face. “What’s wrong, sweetie?” Her gentle voice and touch released even more hurt, and I couldn’t stop crying.

  Maybe the thing from tonight was all my fault. I was the one who opened my mouth like a fish when James tried to kiss me. Who could resist making fun of something like that? Dad expected more than what I produced. I should have tried harder to have as good of grades as he wanted, like my sister. And I was the one who pressured Roan to help me find a stupid kissing tutor and then agreed to him teaching me. He was the one who wanted more. He led me on. Best friends shouldn’t lie to each other.

  “I-I’m a-a f-fail-ure,” I squeaked out between gulps of air.

  Her hand stroked my cheek. “You’re not a failure.” She continued to soothe me by combing my hair back with her fingers. “Tell me what happened.”

  When I could speak without a constant shudder of my chest or break in my voice, I spilled everything. The humiliating prom kiss. The kissing tutor. About Roan saying how good we would be together. I told her Dad would rather stay and train a new unit than come to my graduation. And the rotten cherry on top…how Roan was too ashamed to admit we were anything more than friends.

  “Sweetie,” she said with her gentle Mom voice. Her arms wrapped around me. “You should have come to me when all this started. You can always talk to me…about anything.”

  In that moment, when she held me close, rocking back and forth, my chest—my heart—hurt a little less. There was one person who loved me no matter what I wore, or how I looked. It didn’t matter that I was a tomboy or didn’t get straight A’s.

  My chest hiccupped, and the trickle of tears turned into streams again.

  “Your daddy loves you. If it was at all possible for him to come home, he would drop everything to do that.”

  I knew he loved me. I knew he would come home if he could, but that didn’t keep my heart from aching. “I-I know. It-just…hurts.”

  A few more sobs rolled through me.

  “I know you’re hurting but I promise things will be better in the light of morning,” she said.

  What did that mean? How was I ever going to feel better? I sat up and blew my nose. “How could Roan do this to me? I wanted to tell him about Dad not coming home and that stupid picture plastered on the TV, and he would make everything better like he always does, but…” I swallowed and squeaked out, “He might as well have punched me in the face.”

  “Tommie.” Mom wrapped her arms around me again. My face pressed against her shoulder. “Don’t say that.”

  “It wouldn’t have hurt as much,” I said against her shirt.

  A soft knock sounded at my door.

  “Please,” I pleaded, gripping her shirt. “Don’t let anyone come in. I don’t want to see anyone.”

  The door opened. It didn’t matter if it was Madi or Brendan. I didn’t want anyone to know. I had to deal with this myself first. Brendan would tell me how dumb I was being. Madi never got rejected and wouldn’t understand.

  “Toms?” Roan called.

  I gasped, shaking my head against my mom’s shoulder. He was the last person on the face of the earth I wanted to see. I sat up, and my eyes narrowed in on the guy who had taught me to kiss. They guy who I’d fallen for. My ex-best friend. “Go away!” I shouted.

  The light from the hall bent around his tall frame. His eyes widened, and his mouth opened. “Madi told me about London,” he said, taking a step inside.

  My vision got fuzzy with another onslaught of tears. Just when I thought I was getting a handle on it for the night, he showed up. “Leave me alone,” I cried out, trying to be forceful, but it was more like a wounded animal.

  “Toms…” He took another step.

  “You don’t get to call me that anymore. You’ve been lying this whole time. You’re the one that said we could be so good but are too ashamed to tell anyone we’re together.”

  His head snapped back as if I had slapped him. Guilt was written all over his wide eyes. His jaw dropped. Did he think I didn’t know what he was doing?

  I scoffed. “I heard you telling James we were just friends. If that’s what you want, fine.” I sniffed and wiped the tears from my cheeks, calming my breath. “You were right about one thing. Letting you be my kissing tutor was the dumbest idea I’d ever had.”

  The shock on his face changed into something else that I didn’t recognize. His gaze went to my mom, who stood up. His shoulders slumped at the same time his lips curved into a deep frown. I thought he would say something, deny it, justify it, lie, anything. He just stood there, staring in my direction, but no eye contact.

  I turned away, lay back down, and pulled the covers over my head. It might have been a thirteen-year-old move, but I didn’t care.

  Footsteps padded away from me. “Tommie needs her privacy right now,” Mom said firmly.

  “I—” he said in a strained voice.

  “You need to go home, Roan” she said.

  I heard him sigh, and the door closed.

  Madi was probably out in the hallway, watching the drama.

  The sheet tugged down. Mom hovered over me. “I love you,” she said, kissing my forehead. “Get some sleep. We can talk more tomorrow.” She padded across my carpet and opened the door. “Juju’s here. You want her to come in?”

  “Yes,” I croaked. At least Mom and Juju cared about me.

  Juju whined beside my bed and I leaned over to pick her up.

  “Goodnight, sweetie,” Mom said and opened the door once more to leave, closing it behind her.

  My eyelids slid shut as I fumbled for another tissue to blow my nose. The box was about half-empty by now.

  I flopped back down and lay Juju in front of me on top of the blanket.

  Faint voices came from the hallway. It was probably Madi asking what was going on. They were too soft to make out what was being said or who it was. It didn’t matter because they soon disappeared.

  With Juju by my side, I should have been glad they left me alone. It was what I wanted. But lying in the dark with the night's events playing on my heart…it was tough.

  My life was changing too fast. I wasn’t sure living at home after graduation would be a good thing anymore. Cayla would be busy with college and working more at her dad’s store. The photo from prom wasn’t disappearing. I lost my best friend. Maybe Aunt Jenny would let me stay with her for a while until I figured out what to do with my life.

  28

  The commotion downstairs signaled my family was home from church. No one had tried to talk to me since Mom came in my room this morning.

  I threw my covers back and gingerly made my way to the bathroom. My feet hurt. My head hurt. My eyes hurt from crying so much. Juju had scurried out when Mom came in to check on me before she left for church. Mom said I looked like I had gotten into a fistfight, minus the cuts and bruises.

  All the perfect little couples at church would have been a reminder that I wasn’t g
irlfriend material.

  Yeah, the blisters would pop and heal, but my heart?

  I flushed, washed my hands, splashed some water on my puffy eyes and face, and patted it dry with a hand towel. There was no point in cleaning up more than that to lie in bed all day.

  I rubbed my palms against my eyes and opened the door. Madi leaned against the wall across from me.

  “Hey,” she said with droopy eyes. I didn’t know why she would be tired. She wasn’t the one who cried all night.

  “Hey,” I croaked back. My throat felt like I’d slept in a sandstorm. I continued to hobble past her to my bedroom. I didn’t even bother shutting my door because I knew she would come inside anyway. I crawled under my covers and waited for her barrage of questions.

  Her footsteps came closer until the bed dipped by my feet where she sat and stared at me. “What happened last night?” she asked.

  I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Did someone hurt you?” Her big blue eyes were round and worried. She had on her tight shorts, tank, and sports bra she wore for jogging or working out.

  “Did you wear that to church?” I asked, hoping to deflect a little.

  It didn’t work. “You look terrible.” Her frown deepened. “Fine. I already know about stupid London and Dad. Mom said you had a fight with Roan too.” She waited for me to say something.

  After a minute of silence, I decided to be vague. It was embarrassing enough. I didn’t want to be the laughingstock of the freshman class. “Something like that.”

  Madi let out a loud sigh. “What did he do?”

  “I’m not ready to talk about it. Okay?” I didn’t want to think about it either, but it consumed my thoughts.

  She grimaced but nodded. “Okay,” she said, standing. “Mom’s making you chocolate chip pancakes.”

  “I’m not hungry,” I said. It wasn’t true. The hunger pains gave me something else to focus on beside the full heartbreak that was going on inside me.

  The corners of her mouth tugged down. She gave me a long look and walked out of my room, closing the door behind her.