Judas

by Caleb Meeks

  The floor creaked beside me, down the hallway my mother always instructed me to never go down. My head snapped towards the sound, and I saw my mother standing there, at the far end of the hallway. She was covered in shadows but looked just as she did the day we were in the hospital, when she told me she never wanted to see me again. She wore the same expression. Disappointment, but not the kind of disappointment a parent has when you lie to them. The kind of disappointment a parent gives you when they wish they had never raised you. That you had never been born. Her piercing glare burrowed into my chest, to the point where I could barely breathe.

  I backed away, but with every step back I took, they took one step forward. That was, until I backed into the wall. I stopped stepping back, but they didn’t stop advancing. I had fallen down to my knees, panic overtaking my breathing. Tears had started streaming down my face, but I was unaware of them. It was like my own parents had turned into my ghosts, but then those ghosts turned into monsters, and those monsters were just waiting to rip me to shreds. The only difference was that my monsters were standing right in front of me. I would have rather accepted my fate from Abaddon, rather than this hell. What if this was hell? What if this was the place I was sentenced too? Abaddon had killed me, and this was the place I got to spend the rest of eternity?

  I had closed my eyes, trying to close out what was happening in front of me. It didn’t stop them from coming, and it didn’t stop me from hearing them, but it let me lie to myself about their presence. I felt a hand on my knee. My eyes didn’t open though, I just assumed it was one of them ready to torment me. “Hey, it’s ok.” The voice sounded far too familiar to be in this hell. I cracked open my eyes, and Dominic was standing in front of me.

  My face was red and puffy, but I could see him clearly. Both of my parents were over his shoulders but seemed to have halted. “What…” I trailed off in confusion. “What are you doing here?”

  “Believe it or not, I’m here for the same reason as they are.” He gestured to the two standing behind him.

  “Dom, I don’t know what you mean. Why are you here? Why are they here? Why am I here? What is this place?”

  “This is you, Judas. This is your mind.” I blankly stared at him, not really understanding what he meant. “Right now, you are about this close,” he held his fingers impossibly close together, “to death. You know how they say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die? Well, this is your life.”

  “I don’t understand. What is happening?” I rambled.

  “I think you do, though. I think you do understand. I just think you don’t want to understand. I know you think that you have changed, and you have. I’m really proud of you. But, there is still a little more for you to fight, and it’s standing right in front of you.” He pointed to the line of people, including himself. “Judas, you have spent your entire life collecting demons, and you’ve been able to deal with a lot of them, but there are a few more you haven’t dealt with yet.”

  “I…” I took a moment to process what he was saying. “I get why they’re here, but why are you?”

  He smiled. “I’m here more because of you than because of me. When I died, you glazed over it. You tried to keep fighting, and you’ve put up an impressive fight, but there is still a part of you that’s angry. Whether it’s because I died, because you couldn’t save me, or because I didn’t let you save me, well, that’s up to you to discover. I know that it’s scary to face your own demons, but I also know you can do it. These two right behind me, you’ve let them rule your life ever since I met you. I get it, it was traumatic and scarring, but if you want to move on, and really take hold of the second chance I know you’ve always wanted, then they’ve got to go. That doesn’t mean you have to forget about them, but you have to get rid of the chains they hold on your life.”

  “How do I do that? Like you just said, I’ve been fighting against them ever since you met me and for years before that, too. How can I just let go of it?”

  “You can’t. You’ll probably never let go completely. That’s not a bad thing, honestly; it’s part of who you are. It makes you who you are. But, you don’t have to let it control you. You fight it by taking back the power you’ve given it and giving it to something bigger than yourself. They don’t have any power over you unless you give it to them. You’re strong, Judas, believe me. I’ve seen it. Now it’s time for you to be strong in an area you’ve never had to be strong in before.” He put out a hand. I reached out and grabbed it. He stood up and then helped me stand up. Without letting go of my hand, he leaned in and hugged me with his other arm. “He had me. Now, He’s got you.” He whispered in my ear, then pulled back, wearing that warm, homey smile. He let go of my hand, then stepped back. It was a silent way of ushering me forward.

  I took a deep breath and took a step forward. He had walked to the back of the room, but the depictions of my parents hadn’t. As I walked forward, they did as well. I jerked backwards, but then remembered what Dominic had said. They only had the power I chose to give them. I stood up straight again and started forward. Once I reached them, they each put a vice grip hand on my shoulder. It dug into my skin, just like a chain, but I ground my teeth together, took another breath, and pushed past them. I kept walking forward, until I reached the door. Once I put my hand on the handle, I turned back. My father, mother, and Dominic were all gone, and I was alone again. A smile split across my face, finally realizing what Dominic had been trying to get me to understand for years, then opened the door.

  ▪

  All I could see was black. There was nothing else, even when I blinked, there was just an endless sea of black. I knew what it was now, though. Somewhere in the back of my mind, something awakened. Something strong. And it grew louder, and louder, until it was at the front of my mind. “God, I don’t know if you’re out there or not, I don’t. But I can’t do this alone, I need help…” A part of me unconsciously started crying out. It was the honest truth. I didn’t know what was out there, but if He was out there, I needed Him, because there was no way I could fight it alone.

  Something started building inside me the moment I uttered those words. It started pushing its way up through me, and I immediately knew that it was that help I had just cried out for. The dark presence that had overtaken me was leeching every last bit of life from my body, but when those words came out of me, there was a new life, a new strength, that was rising inside me. It felt like a fire burning inside me, but it didn’t burn.

  In the silence of the dark, a light broke through. The blackness that had overtaken me started cracking, and I could see Abaddon again. He was withering, and the seething darkness that was pouring from him was starting to evaporate. I felt myself lift up from the ground, levitating almost like Abaddon had when whatever evil it was took him over. Slowly, I rose up from the ground, and in a flash of light, I felt something come out of me. Something of pure power that I couldn’t explain. It overtook my eyes, my mouth, my soul, and when the flash of intense light faded, I saw nothing. I landed on my feet, but there was nothing else in the room with me. There wasn’t even a remnant of Abaddon, or the presence that he was carrying with him.

  I felt lighter, freer, and more powerful than I ever had, but not powerful in the way I was used to. Powerful in the sense that there was something beyond measure inside of me. I took a breath, and for the first time in my life, that breath felt alive. I felt alive.

  I didn’t need to check around the church for Abaddon, because I knew he and the evil with him, was gone. Before I turned around, my eyes fell on the cross in the back of the room. The whole building had been shaken, glass bottles were broken, pews were cracked, candles were on the ground, but the cross remained unshaken. It was a symbol, and I finally understood what it meant.

  After one more deep breath, I turned to the door. It pushed open without any resistance. The sunlight poured in through the opening. My eyes settled on Matthew and Leo, who were just a few feet from the door. Matthew was the f
irst one to notice me, but it seemed like he almost didn’t believe I was there. He slapped Leo’s arm, who looked up, giving me the same confused look.

  Within a few seconds, though, Matthew ran up to me. “I don’t know what happened. Abaddon…he’s gone. Something happened, and he’s gone.”

  Both he and Leo looked at me like I was crazy. “Judas, we got him. He stumbled out of the building an hour ago. He’s in a squad car with a fifteen-officer detail surrounding him on the way to a maximum security prison.” I looked at him like he was crazy.

  Leo spoke up. “We grabbed him right after he came out, but the doors wouldn’t open. The windows wouldn’t break, we couldn’t get in. There was this demonic screaming just pouring out of the place. We thought he had more men in there, so we tried to come in and help, but we couldn’t. There was this blinding light that exploded from the building, and when it subsided, all the screaming had stopped. What happened in there?”

  It all settled into my mind. “I get it. The physical part of Abaddon wasn’t the part I needed to fight. That’s why I beat him so easily. That’s why you have him. What happened next, that was a battle…that was my battle, all its own. That was a fight for my second chance.”

  Leo and Matthew looked at each other, smiling. “There’s a specialized team coming. We sent the others off to escort Abaddon, but these guys are far less forgiving. I don’t know about you Leo, but I didn’t see anything. There was a big flash of light, maybe like a flashbang, and then everyone was gone. At least, that’s what I saw.”

  “You know, now that you say it, it’s definitely ringing a bell.” Leo responded. I smiled the most genuine smile I’d ever felt.

  The sound of a heavy artillery vehicle turning onto the road echoed down the dirt passage. Leo and Matthew turned towards it, but when they turned back, well, when they turned back, they smiled at each other. They didn’t know where I was, but I knew where they were.

  Chapter Thirty-One.

  I put myself in charge of going through Dominic’s house. Because he devoted his entire life to me, I was really the only one who could do it. Even if he had other people, I don’t know if I would have let them do it.

  Going through his house made me feel like he was there with me again. Finding little notes that he had scribbled to himself, going through pictures of him and his family that I’d never seen before, even finding a book he had kept of verses he loved. It all made me feel closer to him, even though he wasn’t there to live it with me. The item that impacted me the most, though, was a letter. Instead of trying to articulate what it said, I’ll just include it here…

  Dear Judas,

  If you’re reading this letter, it means that I’m not with you anymore. I’m sorry that I had to go, but I guess sometimes the ending isn’t quite what we think it will be. I want you to know, though, that I’m not sorry I’m gone. Like I said, sometimes the ending isn’t always what you think it will be, but that wasn’t the case for me. I’ve been prepared for this ending for a while. That’s why I decided to write this letter.

  We never really talked about deep personal things because I know you had a lot of demons. Because of that, you never got to know some things about me that I always wanted you to know. I feel like God put us together for a reason, and even though we never talked about religion, it’s been part of who I am since before we met in that hospital room. I actually think that’s why we met in that hospital room.

  Not long after I met you, I felt like God was telling me I’d be with you until the end. Honestly, I pushed against Him at first, but then I had to realize it was part of His plan, whether I liked it or not. And, whether you like it or not, it’s still part of His perfect plan.

  There’s so much more I wish we could have talked about, but I’ll trust that He’ll get it to you somehow. Before I forget, there’s a bible in my nightstand drawer. I got it on the trip I was on when I realized Abaddon was back. It’s for you. I don’t know where you’re going to be standing with God when you’re reading this, but I hope you’ll take it. I bought it because I hoped to give it to you in person one day, but when I heard he was back, I realized that probably wasn’t going to happen.

  Everything I’ve ever wanted to tell you is in that book, so I hope the day will come when you’ll open it. I’m going to close this out before I get too emotional. I know how you feel about that. I love you Judas, thank you for being my family.

  -Dom

  It took me a long time to realize everything he wanted me to realize, and if I’m being totally honest, I still haven’t figured everything out. I found the bible he had gotten for me and started reading it based on the verses he put extra emphasis on in his. I came to realize that the biggest mistake I was making was in my own interpretation of my relationship with God. Dominic helped me realize that the one step I hadn’t taken was the most important. I’d done everything that he’d hoped I’d do, but there was one mistake I was making. I hadn’t asked for forgiveness. I know that sounds confusing, but here’s what it meant. God was offering up forgiveness from everything I’d done in my past, but I hadn’t accepted it. He was holding it out, hoping I would ask for it, but I was blind to the fact that he was offering forgiveness. I didn’t have to do anything, I didn’t have to jump through a hundred hoops, all I had to do was ask for it.

  The other thing I had to realize was that He wasn’t angry with me. That seemed foreign to me, and even though now I can say it with confidence, it took some time to realize. His grace, His forgiveness, His eternity comes with a prepaid debt, and that’s the life of Jesus. I didn’t have to do anything but accept His gift and offer up my life. That was good enough for Him, and He was eager to welcome me in, give me a clean slate, and set me on the track to live the life I had been running from for so long.

  I found myself moving out of the city, finding a little town just outside of it, and settling down. I never realized how important it was to have a community, but it saved my life. I’d never been part of a community before, but it was the greatest choice I ever made. Having a place where a few people know your name, and a grocery store you can’t walk into without getting a smile. It’s lifechanging.

  Look, I don’t know where you’re at. I don’t know who has hurt you, I don’t know how they hurt you, I don’t know anything. That’s up to you. What you can take away from my story is that it doesn’t matter who hurts you, or how they hurt you. What matters is how you choose to live your life in spite of it. And, what I can tell you is that there is Someone in perfect arm’s reach hoping that you will throw your hands up and ask Him for help, just like I did, and His name is Jesus.

  “…but God shows His own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” - Romans 5:8

  THE END

  Acknowledgements

  I have to thank God, first and foremost. This came from Him. I just took four years to finally put it on paper. What He gave me, though, was more than just a character on a page, or an exciting storyline. He gave me an outlet I could pour a message into that I needed to hear, even though there were times I didn’t believe it. I know this was as much a message for me as it was for everyone else. He stuck with me, through all of it, and I pray that he continues to use it.

  My parents require a huge thank you as well. Mom, thank you for sitting with me until the early hours of the morning talking about characters, storyline ideas, and talking me through my own insecurities about actually doing this. Thank you for being my editing partner and telling me my book didn’t suck. Thank you for the honesty, and unconditional love and support you’ve shown me through this whole process. I know I’ll never forget those memories. Dad, thank you for being so supportive, even though reading isn’t always you’re thing. Thank you for believing in my wild ideas, probably more than I do sometimes. Thanks for all the encouragement to do everything in my wild head. I hope I made you, and mom, proud through this journey. Thanks for walking it with me.

  Finally, I have to thank you. If you’re re
ading this, it means you made it through the whole book. Either that, or you just flipped to the end, but I hope you’ll go back and read the book after you’re done here. Either way, thank you for engaging with this story, and thank you for being the inspiration. I don’t know you, but I did write this for you, and I hope you felt something reading it.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Caleb Meeks has always had a passion for showcasing the hard lessons he's learned through a fictional lens. He credits his faith as the reason he's managed to learn these lessons and hopes to always tell stories that turn people to God. He currently resides in New Mexico but will always call home wherever his family is.

  This is the first book he has ever written but plans to continue Judas’ story for a long time. More than that, though, he hopes that the message this book carries will spread. So, if you were impacted by it, share how on social media with the hashtag: #theJUDASmovement.