Valerie

by Kit Eyre

  ‘At least I know where you’ve been running off to all summer. You have the audacity to criticise my choices when you’re messing around with a –’

  ‘Is that seriously where you’re going with this? There’s only one person who could’ve told you where I was, but, sure, I suppose trying to grab on to the moral high ground’s your thing. Go for it.’

  Valerie’s mouth snapped open then, abruptly, her shoulders crumpled. She edged onto the nearest sofa, a frumpy blue heap that folded over her thighs, and a hiss escaped from her mouth. Amy hesitated before sitting beside her and depositing the tray on the table. She ignored Valerie until she’d made a cup of tea to her exacting standards then she pushed the cup into her hands.

  ‘Drink,’ she instructed.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Drink,’ Amy repeated. She waited until Valerie had taken a sip and settled the cup between her quivering hands before asking, ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Valerie murmured.

  ‘No, come on, you know I won’t buy that. I gave you the chance, I wanted you to tell me. I asked, Mum. I asked outright.’

  ‘You asked about John Foster. Specifically, you mentioned him, no one else.’

  Amy clenched her fists on her lap. ‘Don’t do that. Stop being a politician for five minutes. So, you’re seeing a woman – and what? You were scared of telling me? You’re ashamed of it?’

  ‘I am not ashamed of how I feel about Max,’ she insisted.

  ‘Then I don’t get it, Mum. Explain it to me.’

  ‘Max is . . .’ A growl erupted from Valerie’s lips and she shook her head. ‘Oh, you’re too young for this.’

  ‘That’s you hiding again. I’m not a kid, I stopped being a kid when Dad stopped breathing in front of me. I went to his funeral and pretended everything was fine even though we were . . . Just stop using that excuse, stop treating me like a kid.’

  Valerie pushed her hair from her face. ‘I never wanted you to have the childhood I did. I knew too much and too little, as I learned in the end. You know, it’s one thing to be treated like an adult when you’re ready to have hold of the tools, but if you’re not . . .’

  ‘And you don’t think I am?’

  ‘You are,’ Valerie replied after a moment. ‘The way you’ve looked after Clarice since your father died is proof of that. Not many girls of your age would’ve sacrificed their social lives to look after a grieving grandparent with angina. I know it isn’t the reason you left me, but it’s admirable nonetheless. I’m proud of you for it.’

  Amy blinked then crossed her arms over her stomach. ‘So, be honest with me then.’

  A war raged in Valerie’s eyes until she reclined further into the baggy sofa and the folds swam around her shoulders as well with her thighs. Her startled reaction shattered the ice and she took a deep breath.

  ‘Max is . . . incredibly normal and laid back. She and I met when the car broke down back in February – do you remember? She came to my rescue in the middle of nowhere, literally in the middle of the night. I’m not one for fate and all that rubbish, but I’m not foolish enough to ignore how I feel about her. She makes me laugh and she doesn’t expect me to be perfect which, yes, I know is fortunate.’

  Amy gnawed on her lip. ‘So, are you –’

  ‘More bisexual than anything, if that’s the conversation you want to have. Look, it’s – it’s normal. Most evenings when I see her, she comes around and I cook. For point of reference, never leave her in the kitchen alone. It’s a powder keg. We eat, we talk, we watch films. Any kind of film, though her favourite’s horror.’

  ‘You hate horror.’

  ‘I know that, you know that . . . Actually, by now, she probably knows that too. A few too many incidents where I’ve hidden behind cushions or made an excuse to go to the kitchen.’

  ‘You’ve got a whole other life and you didn’t tell me,’ Amy muttered.

  Valerie sighed. ‘I tried to. In the summer, I tried the hypothetical scenario of a relationship. Do you remember that?’

  ‘Wait, that was about Max?’

  ‘I’d already made a hash of it by then in some respects. You see, I didn’t – Max didn’t know you existed at that point, let alone the other way around.’

  Amy gaped at her. ‘Excuse me?’

  ‘The first she heard of it was when you ordered that taxi and she pulled up outside the house. Not my finest hour. But not my worst either. I’m not sure if that helps. The truth of it is that she’s less inclined to be rushed than me, and you know how terrible I am for that. I didn’t want to tell her about you – or you about her – until I was certain of the outcome, whether it was going to be something serious and whether we could hold onto it.’

  ‘And?’ Amy questioned, knotting her hands together.

  ‘I love her and she loves me.’

  ‘But she doesn’t know everything, does she? You haven’t told her why I live with Biddy.’

  ‘Not yet,’ admitted Valerie. ‘I will when it’s appropriate.’

  Amy tilted her head back, a flash of red from one of the spotlights blurring her vision until she lowered her gaze again. ‘You think you can have it all, don’t you? Of course. You always do.’

  Valerie rubbed her eyes and her fingers came away varnished with mascara. She stared at them for a few seconds then reached into her handbag and extracted her purple make-up pouch. A ritual of cleansing and painstaking reapplication ensued while Amy watched. Every deliberate brushstroke transformed Valerie Smythe, in love with a taxi driver, back into Valerie Smythe, prospective parliamentary candidate. As she snapped her compact shut, the only traces of their conversation were the cleansing wipes scrunched up on the tray.

  ‘It’s inconceivable to go public before the election. I’d need to tell your grandmother for a start, and that’s going to open up an entire circus of worms. She’s not from the generation that accepts it easily, you know that. There’s so much casual homophobia there that I don’t know where to start.’

  ‘You’d be able to talk her round,’ Amy answered. ‘You could sell ice to Eskimos.’

  ‘Well, thank you for the compliment, but it wouldn’t work with Clarice, not about this. On the surface, we have a healthy relationship. But she didn’t like me at first and she positively hated the fact that I’d ensnared Tim. We’re cordial, we’ve established this relationship built on . . . I don’t know . . . mutual love of you and your father. For me to do something as insane as fall in love with a woman like Max and contemplate moving her into Tim’s house would be a red rag at the very least. Not to mention the fact that she’s ill and this might –’

  ‘You’re not justifying your cowardice with her angina,’ Amy warned.

  ‘I do care about her, and I know how much you do. I have to tread carefully for everyone’s sakes.’

  Amy pressed her knees together. ‘Why does it matter anyway? It’s not as though she can take away anything you inherited from Dad.’

  ‘Why do you always think it’s about money, hmm?’ Valerie queried with a sad smile. ‘Amy, you live with her and you barely talk to me. When you go off to Durham or wherever, it’ll be twice as bad. I’m not kidding myself that our relationship’s going to be magically fixed. It’s entirely feasible that, once you’ve gone, Clarice might be my only tangible link to you beyond Facebook.’

  The truth of that statement made Amy shuffle in her seat. She avoided Valerie’s eye and focused on ripping one of the cosmetic wipes into strips and flattening them out on the tray.

  ‘Can I ask you something?’ Valerie queried finally.

  Amy nodded, keeping her chin low.

  ‘I can understand why you didn’t tell me about that man downstairs, but may I ask why you didn’t tell your grandmother?’

  ‘That was only our second kiss,’ she muttered. ‘Anyway, I don’t think Biddy would appreciate Ed very much.’

  Valerie stowed her cosmetics away slowly. ‘I’m not sure I do, you know. He looks as though he’
s in his late twenties with all that facial hair.’

  ‘He’s only twenty one and he was a friend of Dad’s. He helped Ed out, gave him a loan to keep this place going when he inherited it. This is where we came every Saturday morning before he got sick.’

  ‘That changes things,’ Valerie murmured as she looked around the room with fresh eyes.

  ‘Yeah, the truth tends to do that.’

  ‘Well, we can discuss that at a later date. I need to get going. I ran out of a shift and the hospice already think I’m a liability as it is. But, listen, let’s see if we can do this properly.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  Valerie cleared her throat and gazed at her. ‘Amy, would you like to meet my girlfriend? Provided that she’s still talking to me, that is. Because I’ve been a complete arse today and she’d be well within her rights not to.’

  ‘Yes,’ Amy answered with an involuntary chuckle. ‘I’d like to meet your girlfriend.’

  ‘Excellent, thank you.’ Valerie stood and swept towards the staircase, sparing her one more glance. ‘In return, I’ll conveniently forget you should be in Economics right now, just to be generous. See you soon, sweetheart.’

  Chapter 15

  ‘You gonna tell me what the hell’s going on?’

  Max collapsed onto the sofa and closed her eyes. ‘Drew, leave it.’

  ‘Who’s this bird you’ve been seeing? What’s the daughter got to do with it? Why didn’t you tell me you were shagging someone?’

  ‘You’re a right old woman,’ Max snapped.

  ‘So, tell me and shut me up.’

  She opened one eye. He was balanced on the rim of the switchboard chair, elbows planted on his knees and a greedy expression on his face. It was the spit of the bloke who’d conned her into going into business with him in the first damn place so she knew she might as well give in.

  ‘Her name’s Valerie,’ she muttered, clumping her hands together. ‘She’s the one I told you about before, the blonde I said was a one-off.’

  ‘Miss Hoity Toity Businesswoman?’ he questioned.

  ‘She’s more of a politician, but, yeah.’

  Drew raised an eyebrow. ‘You’ve gone and hooked up with a politician?’

  ‘When you say it like that, it sounds stupid.’ Max paused then snickered. ‘It is stupid. Was never working, so it’s best it’s done with.’

  ‘I’m not following. Why’s it done with?’

  She shrugged and leaned back into the sofa. ‘That was the first time I’d met the daughter. It’s a long story, but it doesn’t matter now. I’m best leaving them to it.’

  ‘You don’t get out of it that easy,’ Drew replied, nudging the volume on the switchboard down to zero. ‘Tell me what’s gone on.’

  He wasn’t likely to let it go if she didn’t, not when he was voluntarily losing them custom. So, she launched into a sanitised version of what’d happened since she met Valerie. Only when she said it all aloud did she start wondering what she’d been doing to herself. Drew’s face matched how she felt when she got to the end of it. He kept quiet while he crossed to the kettle and made them both a cuppa then he dumped himself beside her on the sofa.

  ‘She doesn’t want you mucking up her job. That’s the long and short. She’s happy to keep you stringing along and jumping to her tune, but God forbid you do anything off your own bat like talking to her kid. Amy seemed nice enough, though. Was she all right when you caught up with her? I mean, bloody confused and all that, but I hadn’t upset her, had I?’

  Max shook her head. ‘It wasn’t you.’

  ‘Not her fault she’s got a crackpot for a mum. So, what now? You steering well away?’

  The cuppa was still too hot to drink, but she took a sip anyway and scorched her tongue.

  ‘You’re not putting up with it,’ he continued after a second. ‘You’re not that daft.’

  ‘That’s what I keep saying to Elena about you,’ she shot back.

  Drew rolled his eyes and kicked out his legs. ‘At least Elena’s not ashamed of me like Valerie is you. Wouldn’t have thought you’d put up with that.’

  Until Pauline came on shift at seven, Max covered the switchboard and blundered through the accounts. Drew had buggered off to Elena’s scan then sent her a text with a grainy ultrasound picture on it that somehow managed to bring a smile and tears at the same time. Everything the first time around with Andrew had been rushed, but it was like Drew was making the most of every minute even before the baby was born. Max found herself relieved he wasn’t at the office to see her emotional reaction to the blob on the ultrasound and just sent him a short text saying congratulations. Knowing him, he’d get the bigger drift.

  All she wanted to do when she handed over was get home and have a few drinks. The BMW parked up across the road put paid to that. She hesitated then crossed over and rested her palm on the roof, waiting for the window to wind down. Valerie’s face appeared by millimetres, pale and anxious. Max sighed and rubbed her forehead with her free hand.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ she asked.

  Valerie reached out through the window to grab her arm. ‘I’m sorry, Max. I truly am. I behaved abominably and I won’t try and defend it. I’m sorry.’

  Denial or defence she could’ve argued with, but not this. Max turned her hand over and let their fingers lock together while she searched Valerie’s face for any discomfort. She told herself that if there was the slightest bit of public panic, that’d be it. Instead, Valerie just squeezed harder.

  ‘Let me drive you home for a change. Stay over – you don’t do that nearly enough and I love waking up next to you.’

  ‘You never seemed to want me there,’ Max replied.

  ‘I’m scared of needing you there, that’s more accurate. Please, leave the cab and come home with me. Please.’

  Max drank in her jittery expression and then nodded. She cast a look over her shoulder to make sure no one was watching from the cab office before rounding the car and slipping into the passenger seat. The street was deserted bar a homeless man cocooned inside an old warehouse entrance and the drive up towards the main road passed in silence.

  ‘I spoke to Amy,’ Valerie said suddenly. ‘I’ve calmed the waters and she wants to meet you properly. If we’re still . . . Well, are we?’

  ‘Don’t know,’ Max admitted.

  ‘What can I do to persuade you?’

  She snorted. ‘That says it all, doesn’t it?’

  ‘What?’ Valerie glanced sideways. ‘What?’

  ‘I’ve let you do that before. You said you’d tell Amy before it all kicked off and you didn’t. It shouldn’t have got to the point where she’s hearing you on the phone then turning up on my doorstep. It wasn’t fair on either of us.’

  ‘No, I know that, Max. I do. But I –’

  ‘But what?’ she cut in. ‘She just has to put up with it because it’s part of your big plan?’

  Valerie didn’t answer that, choosing to focus on the road instead. They twisted through the one-way system and onto the bypass before Max was conscious they were going in the wrong direction. Once she’d clocked it, though, she knew where they were headed and sank back into her seat. It wasn’t normal for her to be the passenger and, by the time they reached the nature reserve, she was itching to get back behind her own wheel.

  There were a half dozen cars dotted around the nature reserve car park, all of them empty. Valerie just switched the engine off and unbuckled her belt before turning her shoulder into the leather seat.

  ‘This isn’t about us,’ she said. ‘At least, not wholly. It’s about Amy.’

  Max frowned. ‘What else did you expect it to be about?’

  ‘That’s not what I mean. It isn’t that she turned up at the cab office today – it’s your relationship with her that’s the issue.’

  ‘I don’t have one,’ she pointed out.

  Valerie massaged her neck and smiled. ‘Exactly. It’s what you said back there about me having a big plan.
If you mean getting elected then, yes, of course I do. I’d be foolish not to plan accordingly for that. But you see yourself in Amy, don’t you?’

  ‘How can I do that? I barely know anything about her.’

  ‘I’ve gone about this all wrong,’ Valerie murmured.

  Whatever she was talking about, Max couldn’t grab hold of it. That left a flush on her cheeks that she couldn’t get rid of sat right there so she clicked off her seatbelt and got out of the car. She crunched across to the treeline then stopped with her hands shoved into her pockets watching a blackbird prod into the earth with its beak. A dog was growling somewhere far off and there was the usual rush of traffic from the bypass. Max stiffened when Valerie appeared beside her and pulled one of her hands from a pocket.

  ‘There I was, thinking Amy was an obstacle between us, and it was just the opposite. I still think that if I’d have mentioned her at first, you would’ve run a mile, but that would’ve been against your instincts.’

  ‘You’re not making sense,’ said Max.

  Valerie gripped her hand tighter. ‘You want a family. The fact I was delaying telling Amy was niggling at you, and now I understand why. You’re worried about her welfare as well as mine, you’re ready and willing to be a part of her life, aren’t you?’

  ‘I hardly know her,’ Max reminded her.

  ‘Admit that you want to,’ Valerie said.

  The blackbird had hopped over the trunk of a felled tree and was now trying its luck in a different patch. Max watched until the pressure on her fingers increased to the point where she couldn’t ignore it. She looked sideways into Valerie’s eyes and tried to keep her voice steady.

  ‘You can’t do the family thing while you’re hiding in the closet trying to win an election. Besides, I don’t know what’s gone on between you and Amy, but you’re hardly a ready-made family. If I was looking for that, I’d look elsewhere.’

  A smile tugged at Valerie’s lips. ‘You didn’t look for this anymore than I did. It doesn’t make it any less real for that. Look, it’s only eight months to the election. I’m sure we can fly under the radar –’