Careless (An Enemies To Lovers Novel Book 3)

by Michelle Horst

  The need to ease her pain overwhelms every part of me.

  She brings her hands to my neck and standing on her toes, she tries to get closer to me. My tongue surges into her mouth, and when she kisses me back, a foreign ache spreads through my chest.

  I hurt because she’s hurting.

  I break because she’s breaking.

  I’m lost because we’ll never be together even though she feels like home. We’ll only end up destroying each other the same way my parents did. I can’t do that to her. She deserves so much more.

  I start to pull back, but she moves with me.

  “Don’t stop. Please, Jaxson,” she begs. I close my eyes as the crack in my heart deepens. “Help me.”

  “You’re upset, Doc. Fuck, that’s an understatement. You’re in shock. We’re both a mess right now. This will be a mistake.”

  She shakes her head and pleadingly looks up at me.

  “Help me feel anything but this pain. I can’t process it. I can’t comprehend it.” Panic tightens her features, and I can see her mind working to make sense of her loss. “There’s a solution to every problem. If death is the problem, what’s the solution? I can’t solve the equation.”

  Fucking hell, I’ve never seen anything more heartbreaking in my life. She’s trying to rationalize her way through the pain.

  “Doc,” I groan, pressing my forehead against hers.

  I swallow the emotions as they threaten to suffocate me.

  “You can’t solve it. It isn’t a problem. It’s life.”

  Her breaths burst over my lips.

  “What’s the reason then?”

  I close my eyes and give her the only answer I can. “It’s to remind us that we’re just human.” I can see my answer isn’t enough so I add, “People die so others can live. Think of it, Doc. If we were immortal where would everyone live? It’s nature.”

  She nods, and even though the ground has just been ripped from beneath our feet, it’s amazing to watch her extraordinary mind absorb the facts. She might be a genius, but at the end of the day, she’s just a nineteen-year-old girl who lost her mother.

  “I don’t know how to process the pain.”

  “You can’t, Doc. You need to ride the wave. It will get easier eventually. I know it fucking sucks right now, and it will suck even more tomorrow, but this time next year you’ll feel better.”

  A desperate sound escapes her as she struggles to breathe through the finality of death.

  “I can’t remember the last words I said to her.”

  “Don’t think about things like that. Not now.”

  I caress her jaw with my thumbs, keeping my forehead pressed against hers.

  “I wish I could take your pain. I’d do anything to make this easier for you.”

  She presses her mouth to mine, and feeling her trembling lips, breaks my heart a little more. Tonight is changing me. I’ll never be the same again.

  All I know with unwavering certainty—it no longer has anything to do with me wanting her, but all about her needing me.

  ∞∞∞

  LEIGH

  I can’t cope with the thought that I’ll never see Mom again. I’ll never hear her voice again.

  She won’t be here to see me perform my first surgery.

  She won’t help me plan my wedding.

  My children will never know how amazing their grandmother is… was.

  Her heart stopped beating. It’s no longer pulsing blood through her veins.

  My entire life I’ve been obsessed with the heart. I wanted to know everything about it. I wanted to conquer it, but instead, it conquered me.

  I need a moment’s relief from the pain, or it will drive me insane.

  I pour all my heartache into the kiss, silently begging Jaxson to give me this moment I desperately need.

  “You’re hurting,” he murmurs against my lips.

  “Please,” I beg, not caring about how I’ll feel tomorrow. This moment is what matters. Tomorrow I have to face the harrowing reality of life devoid of my mother. I have to go back to a home which will haunt me with echoes of my mother’s life. I only have this one chance with Jaxson to take the edge off my harsh reality before I’m forced to face it.

  When he tries to say something else, I stop his words by deepening the kiss. A deep groan rumbles up his throat finding an echo inside of me.

  When he pulls away, I grab hold of the hem of my shirt and yank it over my head. I shove my panties and shorts down my legs and kick them away.

  “Fuck, Doc, you’re killing me,” he growls.

  I need him to growl. I need him to hate-fuck me. I need him to devour me so I can find relief from this intense ache and futile sense of emptiness.

  I grip the hem of his shirt and relief eases the pain when he allows me to pull it off. I press my mouth to his chest, and as a wave of despair hits, I sink my teeth into his skin.

  “Fuck,” he hisses.

  He unbuckles his belt, pulls down his zip, and shoves his jeans and boxers to the floor. I’m so far gone that I don’t take in the beauty of his naked body. I know I’ll regret it tomorrow, but right now I don’t care.

  He takes a condom from his wallet and I know I’m supposed to feel relieved that he remembered, but I just don’t care.

  When he’s done sheathing his cock, his fingers dig into my hips, and he lifts me against his body. The warmth from his skin chases some of the chill from my body. He wraps an arm around my waist to keep me pinned to him as he walks us to the bed.

  When he lays me on the mattress, he follows, crawling up my body until he’s hovering over me. As I bring my hands to his sides, he lowers himself on top of me until we’re touching from head to toe.

  He’s hard where I’m soft. He’s hot where I’m cold.

  He’s the opposite of me in every way, and it’s exactly what I need.

  “You’re going to hate me tomorrow,” he whispers while I see my grief reflecting in his eyes.

  “Like you said, there’s no need to worry about feelings getting hurt. Let me hate you so I can focus on it, instead of the despair eating away at me.”

  He presses a tender kiss to my lips. When he pulls back, he stares into my eyes with so much intensity it sucks me in until I fade away and there’s only him.

  Jaxson West - the enigma with the body of an angel and the soul of the devil.

  “If that’s what it takes for you to deal, then hate me, Doc. Hate me if it helps you cope.”

  Our mouths collide and as his hand covers my breast, and I’m touched for the first time, I don’t revel in the feel of it. Instead, I feed off the hatred I’m supposed to have for this man. I hate him because I need him more than the air I breathe.

  I need him to help me stay sane.

  I need him to ground me as my world spins terrifyingly out of control.

  “I need you,” I whisper as he bites the skin beneath my jawline.

  His hand trails over my ribs and stomach and slips between my legs. This time feelings flutter to life in my stomach as his fingers explore me.

  He leaves a trail of kisses from my neck back to my mouth. As he pushes a finger inside of me, his tongue mimics the actions, causing ripples of pleasure and relief to wash over my body.

  I bring my hands to his face, and I fall in love with the scratchy feel of his five-o'clock shadow against my skin.

  When I feel him position himself at my entrance, a nagging thought hovers in the back of my mind. I shove it away with brute force, not allowing my reality to rear its ugly head.

  He pushes the head of his cock into me, and the uncomfortable feeling is welcoming. It forces me to focus on what we’re doing.

  Jaxson breaks the kiss, and our eyes lock as he pushes another inch inside of me. He clenches his teeth as my body fights him, and my inner muscles try to push him out.

  “Fuck, Doc. You’re tight.” He grinds the words out as if he’s losing control.

  His eyes hold mine as he thrusts forward, breaking through
my virginity. A sharp pain rips through my abdomen, making tears burn behind my eyes as I gasp for air. When he pushes in deeper, I whimper as the sharp pain increases. The physical pain is all I can focus on as tears spill from my eyes.

  He thrusts in all the way just as I think I can’t endure much more of it. His body stills over mine, and I’m grateful that he’s giving me time to adjust to his size.

  Everything is quiet as we stare at each other.

  There’s no grief.

  There’s no hate.

  There’s nothing but this indescribable moment between us.

  From the moment we met, Jaxson has only given me dark scowls and low growl filled insults.

  Until now.

  Now his eyes are gentle and filled with affection. He presses tender kisses against my mouth, accompanied by soothing words.

  “You’re extraordinary, Doc.”

  When a tear escapes his eye and drops onto my cheekbone, I finally break down and weep as he starts to make love to me. Our tears mingle with our kisses, and I straddle the thin line between hate and falling hopelessly in love with him.

  “In another life, I could love you,” I whisper.

  He rests his elbows on either side of my head and lifts his upper half off me as he starts to move faster. Soon the pain fades, and it’s replaced with pleasure. That’s the exact moment I become aware of every sensation.

  The feel of being skin on skin with this man is incredible. Feeling him move inside of me is incomparable. Jaxson is my first.

  I see wonder and sincerity in his eyes when he whispers so quietly, I would’ve missed the words if I weren’t looking at him.

  “Don’t hate me forever, Doc. Meet me in another life so I can love you without you hating me.”

  We find our rhythm and move together as our bodies grow slick with sweat. When I feel a tightening in my abdomen, I whimper with frustration. Jaxson quickens his pace, plunging deeper and deeper inside of me.

  “Let go, Doc,” he grinds out.

  Pulling out until only the head of his cock remains inside of me, he slams back in, rocking my body with the force. The tightening I felt a second ago unravels into a burst of light and sensations I never knew existed.

  His mouth slams into mine as if he’s trying to devour the pleasure pulsing through my body. His body tightens over me and he shudders as he finds his own release.

  When he stills against me, he doesn’t pull away but continues to kiss me tenderly. He brings his hands to the sides of my head and lowers his body against mine until I’m caged in by him.

  This kiss feels different. It feels like a promise as if he’s confessing to caring for me.

  When he pulls away, and our eyes meet, I realize the kiss was a goodbye.

  Chapter 5

  JAXSON

  I meant it when I asked her not to hate me forever. I hope she’ll be able to forgive me one day. Fuck, I wish we had met under different circumstances.

  I close my eyes as I pull out of her, hating that I can’t stay buried inside of her.

  As I push myself up, I mourn the loss of feeling her skin against mine. When I leave her lying on the bed, it feels as if I’m ripping my breaking heart right from my chest and leaving it in her hands.

  I dispose of the condom. Grabbing a washcloth, I hold it under warm water.

  Leigh sits up as I walk back into the room. I press a kiss to the top of her head as I gently clean between her legs. Throwing the washcloth on the floor, I sit down on the bed. I pull her onto my lap and wrap my arms around her.

  I close my eyes and say a silent prayer that I’ll be strong enough to let her go. She’s not mine to keep.

  Breathe, Jax. Breathe past the pain. You have to do this for her. She deserves better than you. You have nothing to offer an incredible person like her.

  I place a finger under her chin and lift her face until our eyes meet. I try to memorize the exact shade of her irises. I try to imprint the feel of her soft skin beneath my fingers.

  I press my mouth against hers and taking a deep breath, I savor the taste of her. I fill my lungs with her scent.

  And I let go.

  We stand up, and a deafening silence fills the room as we get dressed. I take her hand and intertwine our fingers as I grab my car keys.

  The drive back to the apartment is thick with loss.

  The loss of her mother.

  The loss of opportunities.

  The loss of a future that might have been.

  The loss of us.

  When I park the car in front of the building, I whisper, “Wait here.”

  I get out and walk around the car and open the door for her. I know it’s a little too late to be a gentleman, but I need to show her that she’s worth this kind of treatment, and not the way I’ve been treating her.

  Anguish shadows her face as she gets out of the car. I take hold of her hand again and walk her to her front door.

  I hear laughter coming from inside, and it makes me feel relief that she won’t be alone. Fuck, I wouldn’t have been able to leave her.

  I pull her into a hug, hating that it’s the last time I’ll get to hold her waiflike body in my arms.

  She wraps her arms around my waist, and her fingers dig into me.

  “I hate you, Jaxson,” she whimpers.

  I can’t keep the emotions locked down anymore. Tears spill over my cheeks and I let them fall.

  I suck in a ragged breath of air as I pull my body free from her arms. Pressing one last kiss to her forehead, it physically hurts to turn away from her. My chest aches as I fight to keep my breaking heart from being sucked into a vortex of despair.

  “I hate you for making love to me,” she says behind me.

  Fuck. Fuck, I’m not strong enough.

  The tears come faster as I rush down the stairs. When I get into the car, I slam a fist against the steering wheel, and let a shout rip from my chest.

  She’ll never know she was my first kiss.

  She’s the first woman I’ve made love to.

  ∞∞∞

  LEIGH

  After Jaxson leaves, a weird numbness settles into my bones, making my body feel heavy. I drag my feet and sluggishly open the front door.

  “Hey, where have you been? I’ve tried calling you,” Willow says.

  I try to blink the daze away so I can focus on her face.

  “Leigh?” Concern clouds her face as she rushes to me.

  “I have to pack. My dad’s coming tomorrow.”

  That’s right. Focus on the facts.

  “Dad’s coming tomorrow,” I repeat.

  Jaxson made me feel.

  “I’m going home.”

  Never again will I see the warmth in his eyes.

  I won’t get to feel his touch as it eases away the pain.

  I won’t get to love him. I don’t get to hate him.

  Instead, I’m stuck in limbo where nothing makes sense.

  I must’ve zoned out because when I come too, I’m sitting on the couch and Willow is pressing a bottle of water to my lips.

  Tears swim in her eyes as she watches me take a few sips.

  “Why are you going home, Leigh? Did something happen today?”

  I lick my lips and the taste of Jaxson still lingers.

  “My mom had an accident. She died.” I don’t sound like Leigh Baxter, the woman who just lost her mother.

  I sound like Dr. Baxter, advising someone of their loved one's death.

  Willow throws her arms around me and holds me tightly. Her sobs are erratic as she cries for not only my loss but her own as well.

  When Willow pulls back, Evie leans in to hug me.

  “I’m sorry, Leigh. I didn’t know your mom, but I’m sure she was amazing. You’re living proof of it.”

  My eyes tear up at her kind words.

  Willow and Evie pack my belongings while I sit and watch them. My eyes follow their movements, but my mind alternates between grieving the loss of my mother and trying to reject what I
feel for Jaxson.

  I watch the hand on the clock as it ticks the seconds away. Time has a weird way of warping when you’re in shock. In this moment, it feels like it’s dragging by, prolonging the sorrow for as long as possible. But when I think back on the night, I have no idea where all the time went.

  The last twelve hours of my life can be split into five segments.

  Mom’s alive.

  Mom’s dead.

  I hate Jaxson.

  I love Jaxson.

  I hate Jaxson.

  When there’s a knock on the door, Evie goes to see who it is.

  She comes back with Carter following behind her.

  “I’m sorry for the early visit. Jax told us what happened. I wanted to catch Leigh before she leaves.”

  Evie smiles sadly at him then goes to her room so we can have privacy.

  Carter sits down next to me and takes my hand in his.

  “Do you know what time your father will be here?” he asks. It doesn’t escape me that he doesn’t offer empty condolences.

  “No.”

  “When I got home last night, Jaxson told me what happened. I hope you don’t mind, but I arranged with my father to send our private jet so you don’t have to fly commercial back home.”

  I squeeze his hand because I can’t summon enough strength to smile.

  “Can I wait with you?”

  I nod as my bottom lip starts to quiver.

  Carter pulls me into his chest, and he lets me cry. I bury my face in his chest while he makes a call to find out what flight Dad is on. He arranges a driver to collect Dad and to bring him here.

  “Thank you,” I whisper when he’s done with the calls.

  “I want you to take my number. If you or your father need anything, don’t hesitate to call me.”

  “Why are you being so nice?” I ask as I pull back so I can blow my nose.

  “I’m just repaying the favor, Leigh. Your father has saved my father’s life so many times. I’m in your debt for life.”

  “You don’t owe us anything.”

  “My father is the only parent my friends and I have ever had. If he had died after the first, or second, or third, or even the fourth heart attack, we would’ve been fucked. You’ll never know how thankful we are for the gift of his life. There’s no doubt in my mind that without your father, mine would be dead.”