Chapter 15
Jeanie opened her door and let out a beleaguered sigh. “What is it now?”
“I don't like him,” Josie said, pushing into Jeanie's room.
“You don't like any gentlemen except Lord Selhorst.”
Josie gasped, a bit stunned Jeanie would say such a thing and more shocked that it was true. She thought she'd held her cards to her chest, that no one knew how much he affected her. It was just another sign that she didn't know what she was doing, that she was a fool. A vision of him looming over her, laughing with the rest of them, filled her head.
“Which means you probably love him,” Jeanie added.
Josie's mouth dropped open and a scalding blush washed over her cheeks. Her heart pounded with a force that left her breathless. She could not love him. Love was never part of the experiment. No, she wouldn't even let herself think it.
Jeanie laughed, startling Josie. “I'm only kidding,” Jeanie said.
Josie swallowed, her throat tight. “That isn't funny. I didn't come here to talk about me.” She had to warn her sister. Perhaps it wasn't too late. Perhaps she hadn't succumbed to Lord Luckfeld as Josie had to Patrick.
“Of course you didn't,” Jeanie murmured. “I saw you interrogating the man last night at dinner.”
Lord Luckfeld had had the misfortune of being placed next to Josie at dinner. She’d taken the opportunity to investigate his motives. She did not care one whit about how uncomfortable she'd made him.
“He is out to seduce you,” Josie said.
“Is that so?” Jeanie replied.
Far too nonchalant for Josie.
“He’ll have to marry me then.”
Josie fought off a shiver. This whole situation was making her dastardly ill, and she might need to lose her composure over the chamber pot. She hadn't even eaten yet. All she’d had was the cup of hot cocoa the maid had brought her this morning.
She took a deep breath to calm her roiling stomach. “Rakes don't marry unless they want to. I don't believe he intends to.”
And though Patrick had mentioned marriage on a few occasions, he was probably just like Lord Luckfeld. They were friends after all.
“Perhaps he isn't able to,” Jeanie said.
Josie shook her head at her sister in disbelief. “Isn't able to? He has to marry. Most likely he has some empty-headed heiress in mind and he's trifling with you. But that isn't what frightens me the most,” Josie pressed.
What frightened her was Jeanie's own ambivalence about the whole situation. She was effectively compromised yet couldn’t see it. The way she was living some fairy tale inside her head. She was ignoring what was happening right in front of her. Abruptly, Josie’s own words echoed in her mind to ridicule her.
It's purely academic.
But it wasn't. She'd been smitten since the first moment, and she'd used her love of knowledge to validate throwing away her convictions to justify being with Patrick. She'd lied to herself so easily and so completely. She couldn't tell what was real and what was not.
“What frightens you?” Jeanie asked.
“You do,” Josie said, her throat tight, her voice breaking.
Jeanie drew back. “Me?”
Josie had to fight to keep her thoughts clear, to keep the focus of their conversation going, because even though she was speaking to Jeanie, she was speaking to herself to.
“It's the way you looked at him,” Josie said, “like he'd offered you the moon and stars. Like you wanted him to kiss you, Jeanie.
“I don't know what you mean,” Jeanie returned defensively.
Josie fisted her trembling hands. She didn't want to hurt her sister, but they both needed to hear the truth. “For the first time, we’re all receiving attention from men. It can make us think… I don't know precisely, but it's an illusion. We have to guard our hearts.”
But Josie knew it was too late. Patrick already had her heart.
“What if I don't want to guard my heart?” Jeanie asked, her gaze locking with Josie's. “What if I want him to kiss me? Does what I want matter?”
Jeanie's words echoed her own feelings, but she was still surprised to hear them coming from Jeanie.
“You've never spoken like this before.”
“I'm saying it now.”
“He's using you,” Josie pleaded.
“I think I know him better than you. You spend all your time in the library. Have you given any of these gentlemen a chance? Have you tried to know them? Or do you cleave to your preconceived notions?”
Josie stiffened. If only she had done just that, she wouldn't be in the trouble she was in. Now, her heart opened to a man who may have no intentions toward her other than physical satisfaction. For some idiotic reason, she thought that should be enough, but now she was hurting and she didn't understand why this could hurt so much.
“What more is there to know? They are rakes. They were fooled into coming here and we’re fools if we think that in a mere fortnight we can change our fates. This isn't a fairy tale. I should know. I've read them all. But just like fairy tales, there is always a message—a warning.”
Is that what her dream meant? That she must stop and reconsider the path she was following? Turn away from the promise of the dark misty woods and turn back to what she knew to be true. To do the things she knew she should be doing, even when the lure was so tempting.
“Books are not real life. Why don't you try experiencing something that cannot be read about? Have you been kissed Josie? Why don't you try it and then you can add practical knowledge to all those books you cherish. Speak to me again when you know what desire is.”
Josie gasped. What had Jeanie done? Was there more than Josie knew about? “Desire? Are you mad?”
Jeanie’s situation might be far worse than her own.
“It's worse,” Jeanie said. “I think I'm in love. And no, it didn't happen in a week, it's been happening slowly since our first dance. He feels it too so don't try to convince me I'm wrong. I know what I want now.”
A sob worked its way up through Josie's chest. “Jeanie… Don't be a fool.”
Her sister was playing a dangerous game and far too gullible to see it through. Josie had to protect her.
“To men like them, we’re nothing more than mistress material.”
Jeanie gawked at her sister. “What did you say?”
“If all you say is true, then I suppose I will owe you an apology and congratulations after your engagement, won't I? But if I'm right, you'll be nursing a broken heart.”
And so would Josie. Even if she ended things now, there was no way she wouldn't be forever changed by her relationship with Patrick. Academic or not, she'd underestimated herself. She'd underestimated the power of desire—of how a kiss could transform her.
“Either way, it's my choice,” Jeanie said.
Josie had to leave. She couldn't hear anymore between her savage thoughts and Jeanie's naïve conclusions. Arguing was pointless. For once, she couldn't debate this because she didn't have the facts. She didn't have the sound argument that she usually had with supporting text to defend it. She was being just as naïve, just as gullible, and falling just as hard for Patrick as apparently Jeanie had for Lord Luckfeld.
She went back to her room. She could not eat a thing or face the other guests at the party with all that she was feeling. She felt like a volcano on the verge of a violent eruption. She was not going to let the rest of the castle be the poor little village that would suffer under her wrath.
Josie returned to her room but she couldn't stand idly by while her sister went down the road to ruin. She would have to do something, guard her door if she had to. She could warn Lord Luckfeld away, but if her sister willingly went into the den of the beast, all her warnings would be for naught.
They were going to the Kirkland garden party today. For one day, the Selbourne guests would merge with Lady Kirkland's. Strangers who might judge them, who may laugh at them, and Jeanie had no idea of the danger she faced. Jos
ie would have to stick by her side and protect her. And as for herself, it was too late to change what she and Patrick had done together and alter her heart, but there was still time to fix it. She would heed the warning of her dream and stay away from him, at least until she figured out what to do. As long as she stayed by her sisters, she could not succumb to his charms.
Having a goal—the protection of her sister—calmed her. Sometimes it was easier to defend others than to defend one’s self. She went to her dressing table and smoothed her hair, fanning her face until the splotchy redness in her cheeks went away. Then she went downstairs to catch a late breakfast, enjoying the solitude of the breakfast parlor.
Soon they would walk down to the Kirkland party, and Josie would protect Jeanie any way she could.
Chapter 16
The sun did wonders for her mood. The dowager duchess took the open carriage along with Violet, Anne, and Roderick. The rest of the guests chose to walk the short jaunt down the open lane to Kirkland Manor. After their argument this morning, Josie could tell Jeanie wasn't thrilled by her company, so she hung back and Jeanie and Georgie walked together down the lane.
Lord Luckfeld walked ahead of them with Luna and Lord Densmore. So for the moment, Josie could relax and just enjoy the warmth of the sun through her thin white cambric gown with little blue flowers. A bit more innocent than she was, but she liked it.
Patrick was somewhere behind her, and without warning, he appeared at her side. His gaze was intense on her profile that she could see from her periphery.
“Good day,” he said.
She bit her cheek but she couldn't ignore him, not with so many people around. She took a deep breath, stomping down the rise of panic and the thrill inside her at his presence.
“Good day, my lord,” she replied coolly. She could still feel the touch of his gaze as if he reached out and cupped her cheek. She tried to increase the space between them, but his wide strides quickly closed it.
“Have I done something to upset you?” he asked quietly.
She ground her teeth together. Though she knew it was not without reason that he would ask. After all, as far as he knew yesterday, by the end of the evening things between them were quite pleasant. She’d thought so too until she'd had that blasted dream. The dream was not her enemy. These feelings were, these manipulative, hypnotizing, and intoxicating feelings. She swallowed, putting together her thoughts in a way that he might understand and accept easily without argument.
“After yesterday, after… I'm concerned about Jeanie and I'm concerned about us. I think we could do with some time apart for the day, especially since we'll be at this party combined with Lady Kirkland's guests. It might be better if we aren't seen together,” she said. She peeked at him through her lashes.
He frowned, looking straight ahead. “If you insist. I was looking forward to spending the day with you.”
His words cut her, nearly slicing through the shield she was trying to put up around her heart, but she held firm.
“I think it better if we don't,” she said.
“Then we’ll meet tonight,” he whispered.
Josie glanced around them. “Don't say such things. It's rather careless, don't you think?”
“I need to see you,” he said.
“Stop it.”
“Why are you so…thorny with me today?”
Her steps grew brisk, her spine painfully straight. She glared ahead. “In case you have forgotten yesterday, I witnessed my sister being seduced by a rogue. Forgive me if I'm being rather terse, but given our rather precarious position in society, I think a bit of care is warranted. I know you don't feel that way and I don't expect you to, because in the end, any shame that resulted from a scandal would fall on me and not you. It's simply the way of things. I think I have a right to protect myself and my sister.”
His attention snapped her. “You will never know shame,” he said urgently.
Josie wanted to believe him, to believe his heart could be true. But just as she told Jeanie this morning, this wasn't a fairy tale. Trust was something that had to be built over time, and they'd only known each other—truly known each other—scarcely over a week now.
She met his gaze. “Stay away from me for now.”
A mask shuttered over his features and he nodded once. He stepped back, sliding into the group behind them with ease, and Josie continued on alone as she should be.
That was how she started this journey, and she needed to remember that wherever her path led her, she would be walking it alone.
It was better this way.
Chapter 17
Patrick's mood turned stormy and bleak. His thoughts rumbling like thunder, his gaze snapping with the quickness of lightning from the ground to the sky, whatever he had to do to not glare at her slim form ahead of him.
The sway of her hips. The smart twitch of her skirt as she moved in a quick clip like a woman running away, because that was exactly what she was doing.
So, yesterday had spooked her.
He could understand her being protective of her sister, but why was she pushing him away? He thought they'd come to a place where at least physically, they wanted the same things. It was the physical path that would carry them deeper emotionally until he could convince her that his intent was honorable, and he meant every word.
He cared about her dammit, and he wanted to help her. Didn't she see that? He could help all of them. He could make her happy.
He knew her dreams. Her desires.
He could help her do so much good in the world, and yet she was pushing him away because she thought she could do it better on her own. The rejection stung, the taste bitter in his mouth. He clenched his fists behind his back, slowing his stride until he was strolling behind the others, and he didn't have to worry about them seeing his brooding expression and asking questions. When he rose this morning, he'd been looking forward to this day, playing lawn games with Josie, showing her how good they could be together.
He wanted her to have a glimpse of the life they could have together, as beneficiaries of St. Arthur’s, but also of all the things he could give her intellectually, not just parties with high society, but the world—it would be open to her, London museums, the grand libraries, book depositories. She could even attend lectures given by famous naturalists, symposiums about geology, biology.
But when she’d rejected him, she rejected all of that and she didn't even know it. What was he supposed to do?
He couldn't just tell her she was making a grand mistake. The biggest mistake of her life. She wouldn't believe him. How much rejection can a man take? He exhaled, kicking a pebble down the lane and hitting Densmore's boot. He turned, his attention snapping to Patrick and then he fell back to join him.
“I'm not in the mood,” Patrick grumbled.
“Clearly,” Densmore replied. “You are aware we are going to a party?”
“Yes,” Patrick growled.
“Then you’ll want to change the expression on your face. Scowling doesn't invite conversation from others.”
Patrick glared at him.
“What the devil is the matter with you?” Densmore asked.
“Nothing,” Patrick bit off.
Densmore snorted. “You’re mad for a Marsden, aren't you?”
Mad was precisely how Patrick felt. A prickly, embarrassing flush rushed up his neck to his face.
Densmore smirked. “Maybe they’re witches. They have a way about them, don’t they?”
Patrick remained silent. They certainly do.
Or at least Josie did, none of the others affected him quite like Josie.
“You know what you should do? Just propose. None of them can refuse a marriage proposal at this point,” Densmore said.
“She refused me,” Patrick replied.
Densmore cursed, grabbing Patrick's arm. They halted, letting the distance between them and the other guests increase until they were virtually alone, sure no one could overhear them. “Are you mad? I w
as kidding.”
“I am that,” Patrick said. “I’m insatiable, angry, hungry—I'm everything all at once. It's so damn confusing, I don't know what to do, but she refused me.”
“Who—never mind, I don't want to know. The suspense is more exciting. I’m sure I’ll figure it out eventually. Why would she refuse you? You are exactly what her family needs. Has she another lover? Another offer?”
Patrick looked away, squinting toward the sea hidden behind the rolling Northumberland hills.
“No,” he said. “I'm certain of it, but she has these ideas. She has convictions. She's convinced that marriage would alter them.”
“I don't understand,” Densmore said.
Patrick cursed. “Neither do I, but she's stubborn and I've no way of convincing her to see reason. How do you convince a woman to change her mind without letting her know you're trying to change her mind?”
Densmore drew back. “If I had that answer, I could take over the world. I'd be unstoppable.”
Patrick laughed. “Isn't that the truth? You can't speak of this to anyone.”
“Of course not. I’m excellent in keeping secrets. I've even been thinking of joining the foreign office. If only my brother wouldn't self-destruct in my absence.”
Patrick felt better having vented his feelings to someone, and he did trust Densmore to keep his secret.
“So, what do I do?” Patrick asked.
They turned back toward Kirkland and began walking.
Densmore shrugged. “I don't know. I've never courted a woman before, not with the intent to marry. Seducing a woman is quite different.”
Patrick bit his tongue. He wasn't going to make a remark about having already seduced Josie, or had she seduced him? He couldn't tell up from down, north from south, or make heads or tails of anything anymore.
She’d tied him up in knots and left him aching and unsatisfied—not in his loins, she’d taken care of that quite sufficiently. But in his heart, where he was feeling the first cracks of heartbreak.
Again, he was confronted with the realization of how blessed he truly was. Everyone liked him, until Josie. Everyone loved him, except Josie. He could walk into a crowded ballroom and say, “Who would like to marry me right now?” and scores of women would raise their hands, but not Josie.
The Five Second Rule For Kissing: The Northumberland Nine Series Page 13