A Life Worth Living

by Amanda Canham

  Stacey bounced up and down on her heels as she waited for the lift doors to open. Tonight had gone well. No. Tonight had been spectacular. Her body was still buzzing from the fantastic sex. It had never been like that with Brian. Maybe it was the no-strings element. She didn’t need to worry about what it meant, there was no pressure to please, just pure enjoyment.

  The doors to the elevator closed behind her. Stacey glanced at her reflection in the stainless steel wall. It was a good thing no-one else was sharing the lift with her, because they might be tempted to call the loony bin. She was grinning like an idiot, her hair was a mess, her cheeks flushed, and she was still bouncing around, buzzing with excitement. Okay, so maybe they wouldn’t send her to the loony bin. Maybe they’d know that this was what someone looked like after great sex. She’d just never looked like this before.

  The doors dinged open and she walked into the paved gardens. As soon as she was cleared of the lift, she felt her purse begin to vibrate and the familiar ringtone of her phone began to chime. She pulled the phone out and looked down at the caller ID. Cam.

  She pressed the answer button and held the phone up to her ear.

  ‘Hi,’ she answered.

  ‘So this is me, calling you.’

  ‘Well, obviously,’ Stacey said, laughing huskily.

  ‘I hadn’t finished,’ Cameron reprimanded lightly.

  ‘Sorry, go on,’ Stacey said as she walked through the gardens towards the front gate.

  ‘I want to do this again.’

  ‘Good, I was hoping you would. Maybe even tomorrow night,’ Stacey said, grinning.

  ‘No. Now. I want to do this again, now.’

  ‘What?’ Stacey asked, stopping in her tracks.

  ‘I want you, now.’

  ‘I heard you, I just. . .Are you sure? I mean, can you?’ Stacey asked doubtfully.

  ‘What do you mean, “Can I”? Of course I can!’ Cameron sounded affronted by her doubt.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes. If you want to, of course.’

  Stacey didn’t need to think about her answer.

  ‘See you in a minute.’

  ‘What happened to you Saturday night?’ Teegan asked her as soon as she arrived in the lab on Wednesday. Images from that night flashed into Stacey’s mind and she prayed her face wouldn’t flush scarlet and give her away.

  ‘Oh, nothing. I just went home. I was really tired,’ Stacey answered as she pulled out a chair and sat down facing a computer.

  ‘Well you missed out on an awesome night. Things really heated up after you left.’

  They certainly did, Stacey thought, a small smile playing around her lips, but that’s not what she said to Teegan. On Sunday morning, as she and Cam cooked brunch together, they’d agreed to keep their little liaison a secret. It’s not like they were actually having a relationship, so there was no reason to mention it at work.

  ‘What happened?’ Stacey asked, though she wasn’t really paying attention. Her mind was drifting back over the last few days—nights, really. She hadn’t had a night away from Cameron since they started sleeping together. According to Cam, they didn’t need to stick to the rules she’d seen in movies. They were allowed to eat together and sleep together, as long as they both knew that there was no future, no expectation of more than they currently had.

  This worked well for Stacey, because once she started the in-vitro procedure she no longer wanted a man in her life. She would be one hundred percent committed to her child.

  But that was still more than four months away. Plenty of time to enjoy all the commitment-free sex she could handle with Cam. And she intended to take full advantage of that time.

  ‘You don’t mind do you?’

  Somehow, the hesitant tone in Teegan’s voice penetrated through the lust-filled haze in Stacey’s mind.

  ‘I’m sorry. I was distracted for a moment. What were you saying?’

  ‘Geez, here I was, worried you’d never forgive me and you weren’t even listening.’

  ‘I’m sorry. Wait there, what wouldn’t I forgive you for?’

  ‘For hooking up with your man.’

  Stacey felt her stomach drop. No. It couldn’t be true. Cam had said he wouldn’t be with anyone else, even though she’d given him the green light, so he had no reason to lie to her. Besides, they’d spent every waking, non-work hour together. He wouldn’t have had a chance to sleep with anyone else. On top of that, Teegan didn’t know about her and Cam. No one did.

  Stacey let go of the breath she’d been holding as she reasoned through the fear, though she still had a twinge of anxiety as she questioned Teegan.

  ‘Who’s my man?’

  ‘Jimmy, of course. I know I’m a really slack friend. I picked him out for you, set you guys up, but after you left, we kind of just. . .Oh, please, please, please forgive me?’ Teegan begged.

  As the remaining anxiety disappeared, Stacey let out a relieved laugh.

  ‘Jimmy was never my man, Teegan, so there’s nothing to forgive.’

  ‘Really?’ the woman asked, hopeful.

  ‘Really. There was no chemistry whatsoever. It was one of the reasons I left.’

  ‘That’s so good to hear. I thought that might have been the reason, but I wasn’t sure, and then today—’

  ‘It’s fine. You can stop stressing.’

  And so could Stacey. Cam was too honest. He’d never promise her a family and then give it to somebody else.

  Something new unfurled deep inside Stacey as the realisation sank in. It was something she’d never experienced before, and it took her a moment to figure out what it was – contentment.

  Time flew as she found her nights as full and fun as her days. Stacey and Cam spent almost every night together, exploring each other and enjoying themselves. Stacey loved it. She didn’t spend her days worrying about the hidden meaning in his words, wondering if she loved him or if he loved her, and when he would say it, because that was forbidden. This wasn’t about love. This was two friends, enjoying companionship and sex without commitment. She wasn’t sure why she’d never tried it before.

  And what was more brilliant was that she didn’t have to stress about her ticking body-clock, either, because she had her baby making all set as well. Life really couldn’t get more perfect as far as Stacey could see.

  ‘Hey, you,’ Cameron felt the now-familiar quickening of his pulse as he saw Stacey standing in his office doorway. ‘How did the appointment go?’

  ‘Pretty good,’ she answered moving into the room and closing the door behind her. Cameron leaned back in his chair as she bolstered herself up onto his desk. His eyes were drawn to her legs as her skirt slipped above her knees with the movement. He couldn’t help the small smile that sprang to his lips – his casual suggestion for a change in uniform was close to one of his best.

  She wriggled back, settling into a comfortable position. He caught a glimpse of white lace as her shirt stretched across her breasts and almost groaned. Two months in to this fling and she still managed to stir his blood as no-one had before. Maybe he should violate their no-touching-at-work agreement. He dragged his eyes away from her body and looked up into Stacey’s eyes.

  Or maybe not.

  Stacey didn’t look like she was in the mood to fool around.

  ‘What was this one, again?’ he asked, saving his work and closing the file so he could concentrate on her.

  ‘It was a repeat counselling session, to make sure I know what I’m getting into.’

  ‘And you told them you did, right?’ If he’d learnt anything over the last few months, it was to be fully supportive of Stacey’s chosen life plan.

  ‘Yeah. It’s just hard when even the professionals are trying to throw all these doubts your way. No. Not doubts really, because I know this is what I want. But when they point out all the hang-ups for the child, using this method, and then throw other options into the equation, it can eat away at my conviction a little.’

  ‘What do you mean?
’

  ‘Well, they keep going on about the psychological effects for the child in not knowing who their father is. In theory, I can see their point. But should one hang-up prevent this child from having a life? Just because they don’t know their father, would they rather have never been born? I didn’t know my dad, but I turned out fine.’

  ‘Of course you did.’

  ‘Then again, I at least knew who my dad was. He may have died when I was only two, but mum kept his spirit alive. That was one thing she was good at. I know they loved each other when they made me, and I got to see photos of him, and know a little about my heritage. All my child is going to grow up knowing about their father is a list of characteristics.’

  ‘That will be difficult. But they will know and be loved by you. They will know that they were so important to you, that you had to use the only method available to have them.’

  ‘Well, that’s just it. It’s not—’ but Stacey didn’t get to finish her sentence because Cam’s intercom buzzed then, interrupting her.

  ‘Your one-thirty is here, Doctor Lewis. Rory Masters.’

  ‘Thanks, Shirley,’ Cameron said into the speaker.

  ‘I better let you get back to work. I’m starting soon anyway,’ Stacey said, sliding off the desk.

  ‘Are you alright?’

  ‘Yeah, I’ll be fine.’ Stacey shrugged away his concern. ‘I’ve just got some things to think about.’

  Cameron felt unsettled after Stacey left. She’d always been so sure of her decision, so confident it was the right one. To see her doubting that troubled him. He was still concerned that Stacey was biting off more than she could chew with this single parenthood idea. The only thing that gave him any peace of mind over it was her confidence. If that was gone...Oh hell! Cameron pressed his fingers into his eyes in concern.

  There was nothing he could do about it, though. Stacey didn’t want his opinion on the matter. She’d always been clear on that point. It was her decision; and her decision alone.

  Cameron pushed his concerns to the back of his mind and went through to the reception area to call in his next patient.

  A frazzled looking woman stood up, giving him a little wave of acknowledgement before bending down and shaking the shoulder of a young boy who was running a toy car along the carpet. Reluctantly the boy stood up and followed his mother towards the consulting room.

  ‘Hi, I’m Doctor Lewis. Please, come in and take a seat,’ he said as he ushered them in.

  ‘Hi, Doctor. I’m Sheila Masters and this here is Rory,’ the woman said as she sat down, gesturing to her son who parked himself on the floor at her feet, his mop of dirty blond hair the only part Cameron could see.

  ‘What brings you here today?’ Cameron asked the woman.

  ‘Rory’s been having some trouble sleeping.’

  ‘What kind of trouble?’

  ‘Well, he has no problem going to sleep, but he wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. I go in and try and calm him down but he’s not awake. It’s like he can’t hear me, there’s no acknowledgement, nothing. And then he just stops, rolls over and goes back to sleep. I know it doesn’t sound like much, and I thought it was just a phase or something, but it’s every night, and it’s been this way for months now. I just. . .I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not getting any sleep when he wakes up like that. It scares the living daylights out of me,’ the woman finished on a half-sob. Cameron silently handed her a box of tissues as she dabbed at the tears staining her cheeks.

  ‘Am I going crazy, Doc? Sometimes I think I must be imagining it, because Rory has no recollection of it in the morning.’

  ‘No, you’re not going crazy. It sounds like Rory is suffering night terrors. It’s a fairly common parasomnia in a boy of Rory’s age. I’d like to do a diagnostic sleep study on him, though, to confirm my suspicions, and rule out any other sleep-related disorders. Then we can work out an action plan.’

  ‘So there are other kids that go through this?’

  ‘Yes, there are lots. Though for these to be occurring every night is a little unusual. Are you sure it’s every night?’

  ‘Like clockwork. Sometimes it’s even twice a night.’

  ‘And when did these start?’

  ‘Three months ago. On the twenty-sixth of January.’

  ‘That’s a very precise memory.’

  ‘Oh, it’s easy to remember the date. That was the day he started school, as well.’

  ‘Ah, now we are getting somewhere. It’s probably something to do with going to school that has triggered this behaviour. Don’t worry, it’s probably something minor,’ Cam rushed to assure the aghast mother, ‘and after the sleep study he will probably need some counselling with our psychologist to get to the root of the problem.’

  ‘Is that really necessary, Doc? He’s not crazy, is he?’

  ‘No, he’s not crazy, but talking to the psychologist and dealing with his issues should resolve the problem sooner.’

  ‘Oh, okay. Well, anything that can do that is worth a shot.’

  ‘But first we’ll do the sleep study. I’ll just give bookings a buzz and see when the next available appointment is,’ Cameron said, picking up the phone and keying in the extension line for the bookings department.

  After speaking into the phone for a few moments he held his hand over the receiver and spoke to Sheila.

  ‘There’s been a cancellation on Friday night. Do you think you could make it in for then?’

  ‘This Friday?’ Sheila asked incredulously.

  Cameron nodded his head in confirmation.

  ‘Yes, we’ll definitely be here,’ the woman hurried to assure him.

  ‘Excellent,’ Cam said before taking his hand off the receiver and confirming the booking.

  Once he hung up the phone he turned back to the boy and his mother.

  ‘I’ll run through the procedure with you and Rory now, and then we’ll schedule a follow up appointment after the sleep study.’ Cameron waited for the woman’s nod of assent before hunkering down so that he was on eye level with the boy.

  ‘Hi, Rory, my name is Cam. I was wondering if you might be able to jump up on this seat next to your mum so I can talk to the two of you.’

  Bright green eyes shot up at him from beneath the mop of dirty blond hair.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Well, your mum says you’ve been having some trouble sleeping and we want to find out what’s going on.’

  The boy looked between his mum and Cam before giving up his game with a sigh and sitting up on the chair next to Sheila. Cameron proceeded to explain the procedure to them. He pulled out a demo headbox and showed Rory the wires that would be attached to his head, letting him have a feel of them so they wouldn’t be too strange on the night of the study. He ran through the other leads that would be attached, ensuring they knew exactly what to expect.

  ‘So that should be all of them. Do either of you have any questions?’

  The mother shook her head, but when Cam turned to the boy he gave just the slightest nod.

  ‘What do you want to know, Rory?’ Cam asked gently.

  ‘Are you my daddy?’ the boy whispered, looking straight into Cam’s eyes as he asked the question.

  Stunned, Cameron was momentarily speechless. Before he had time to formulate any sort of response, the mother was already scolding her son.

  ‘Oh, geez, Rory. How many times do I have to tell you that you can’t ask people that question? When, and if, we ever see your father, I will tell you. But until then, you must zip it.’ She slid her hand across her mouth to emphasise the point.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Doc,’ Sheila continued, turning to Cameron now. ‘His father’s never been in the picture, and that hasn’t been a problem until recently. Ever since he started at that school, he’s been asking random strangers if they’re his father. Between that and the night terrors, it’s no wonder I’m almost batty.’

  ‘That’s quite alright, Sheila. You took me by surprise th
ere, Rory, but your mum is correct. I’m not your father. Do you have any questions about the sleep study?’

  The boy shook his head.

  ‘Well, then, I think we’re done here.’ Cameron stood up and led the way to the door.

  ‘Thanks, Doc. It’s just a relief to know I’m not the only one.’

  Cameron closed the door behind them, leaning against it, and rubbed his hand over his face. The similarity of this woman’s situation to the one Stacey was preparing to embark on were uncanny, and brought all his concerns for Stacey dead centre.

  Was this what her future held, going batty trying to deal with the psychological trauma of her child not knowing its father?

  There had to be another way.

  Stacey snuggled down into the corner of the couch, coffee in one hand, her tablet device in the other. She took a sip out of the steaming mug before setting it down on the coffee table and focussing back on the document she was reading. She’d already read through it earlier in the week, but she needed to review it again, just to be sure. It was the first—and only—official study on the psychological impact of anonymous sperm donation on a child. And the results weren’t all that positive.

  They were bearable, liveable even, if there were no other options. Life was always preferable to never existing. But if there was another option, a way to have the child so that they could know their father, and have at least some form of connection with their biological past, well, that was the way to go.

  Stacey didn’t need the official results of the study to know the truth, though. She’d seen the impact first hand last night, with little Rory Masters and his quest to find his father. He’d asked Matt, the scientist who’d set him up, if he was his father. And apparently that wasn’t the first time he’d asked someone.

  Then, during the night, when he’d woken screaming in terror, the sound had ripped straight through her soul. To think his poor mother had to listen to that sound from her child every night, and be helpless to stop it, was terrible. Even worse was knowing that it was most likely caused by the deep seated psychological fear of not knowing his father.

  And she could be subjecting her own child to that pain. She’d expected there to be some questions as they grew up, some curiosity about their identity when they were a teenager, but five years old? She never, in any of her wildest, worst-case scenario imaginings, thought that a child would be psychologically traumatised by not knowing a parent by the age of five!