A Life Worth Living

by Amanda Canham

  The nights blurred together as well. One long, constantly repeating nightmare haunted his sleep—a constant see-saw from unimaginable happiness to the depths of despair.

  Weekends were different. Not better, just different.

  His family would drag him out of the apartment to some fun-filled event or other, usually a barbecue in the park. He would sit there and watch Kaidee playing with her toys and would imagine his own child, his daughter sitting there playing with her. Stacey would be by his side, or maybe she’d be sitting with his sister, chatting over a glass of wine. He had no doubt that she would fit right in with his family.

  But he couldn’t have that life. He’d promised Tyler.

  ‘Where’s Stacey today?’ Cameron asked the charge nurse one morning.

  ‘She’s off for the week,’ the woman replied with her usual brusqueness.

  Cam’s heart sank. All week he looked forward to the two days they worked together in the respiratory ward.

  ‘Is she sick?’

  The nurse looked at him archly.

  ‘No. She’s on personal leave; she booked it in months ago. Now, about Braeden—’

  Her words were drowned out by the sudden whooshing of his racing heart. There could be only one reason for Stacey to take this time off. Of course she was still going through with it. Stacey was going to have her own child, just as she’d always planned. He should be happy for her. They could both go about living the lives they’d chosen for themselves.

  Who was he fooling? He didn’t have a life. He was lonely and miserable and desperate to have Stacey back.

  And now it was too late.

  Or was it?

  Pop!

  Stacey left the omelette on low heat while she grabbed the piece of toast that had popped out of the toaster and spread it with butter. She grabbed the mini fry pan and slid the omelette onto the toast, then sat down at the table for breakfast.

  She looked down at the plate in front of her and knew she wouldn’t be able to stomach a bite. She was too heart sick to get anything down.

  Today was the day.

  The day she was to make a baby.

  At least it would have been if she hadn’t gone and fallen in love with Cam and realised she didn’t want just any child. She wanted his.

  But she couldn’t.

  Maybe she should have gone ahead and used the anonymous donor, but she didn’t want to “settle” for a child. When she had a child, she wanted it to be born of love, of joy, not from heartbreak.

  Who was she kidding? She was never going to have a child.

  . . .She would not pay attention to that little voice in her head, the one that came out late at night when she was lying in her cold, lonely bed. The voice that wanted her to wait a while; to give Cam time to change his mind; to come to his senses and realise they could have a forever, together.

  Grr!

  When would she learn? She’d done the same thing with Brian. She’d waited, she’d given him time, and he’d gone and had a baby with someone else. And his reasons had been pathetic! Cam, on the other hand, had very serious, very real reasons why he didn’t want to have children. And those reasons were never going to change. She needed to remove that man from her mind. Three months had passed since they’d broken things off, and he seemed to be doing just fine.

  Well, what had she expected?

  She may have thought he’d loved her, but he’d never said that. He’d said the exact opposite, in fact. And obviously he knew his own mind.

  In the days after they’d parted she’d hoped he’d come back. She’d hoped he would miss her as much as she was missing him, but that clearly hadn’t been the case.

  For days she’d waited by the phone, hoping he would ignore her final words and ring her anyway. She’d been so desperate to see him and would have happily taken him back in whatever capacity she could.

  But he didn’t ring. And at work he’d been so cold and distant, not the warm generous man who’d offered to give her a child. She’d given up hope of ever hearing from him again.

  She was done waiting. It was time she put her life back on track, to find a way to make herself happy. Not through having a baby, not through being with a man, just through—

  The intercom rang as she was tipping her uneaten breakfast into the bin. She walked over to see who it was and felt her heart jump into her throat.

  She depressed the speakerphone button.

  ‘What do you want?’ she demanded, the shock making her voice harsh.

  ‘I need to talk to you.’

  Hearing his voice still sent shivers down her spine. She didn’t need this—not today. It was too late. She was just starting to become happy again. Why was he coming here to ruin it?

  ‘I don’t want to talk to you.’

  ‘Please, Stacey, just for a few minutes.’

  She couldn’t resist him when he begged like that. Knowing she was a fool, she pressed the buzzer and let him into the building.

  Re-tying the sash around her robe, Stacey opened the door but blocked Cameron’s entrance into the apartment. She couldn’t have him in here. There were too many memories.

  ‘What’s this about?’

  ‘Can I come in?’

  ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea.’

  ‘Please,’ he begged, sagging against the doorframe. She noticed the dark circles beneath his eyes, and the pale tinge beneath his olive tan.

  ‘Fine, come in, but this better be good.’ She led the way back into the apartment. ‘I’ll be back in a minute,’ she said, shooing him into the living room whilst ducking into her bedroom. She quickly disrobed, pulling on jeans and a bulky sweater. No way was she going to hang around her apartment with Cameron in just a robe. He may claim innocence, but it was herself she didn’t trust.

  ‘Okay, what’s this about?’

  ‘So, uh. . .today’s uh. . .today’s the day,’ Cameron said, looking nervous. She’d never seen him fidget so with his hands before.

  ‘Today is what day?’ Stacey played dumb.

  Cameron’s eyebrows rose incredulously. ‘The day. The one where you make a baby.’

  ‘What business is it of yours?’ Stacey crossed her arms across her breasts, her message clear.

  ‘It’s not, of course it’s not. But still. . .Are you sure this is what you want?’

  ‘Oh, Cam!’ Stacey exclaimed in frustration. ‘I’m really not going through this again with you.’

  ‘I know. It’s just. . .I was just. . .’

  ‘Spit it out, Cam. Whatever it is, just spit it out and leave.’

  ‘Alright. Here goes. I was wondering if, maybe, you might still want the fairytale. You know, you, me, a couple of kids, growing old together?’

  Stacey stared at Cameron in shock.

  ‘Why would you ask me that?’

  ‘It’s just. . .I think I might want it too.’

  ‘What do you mean you think you might want it too? Either you do or you don’t,’ Stacey said, a little unsteadily.

  ‘I do. I want to have the fairytale. . .with you.’

  Stacey sat down on the couch as her legs began to wobble. Was this really happening?

  ‘But what about Tyler? What about your promise to him?’ Cam sat down opposite her, holding her hand in his. Sparks shot up her arm at his touch but she blocked them out. She needed to concentrate because this was very rapidly turning into the most important conversation of her life.

  ‘I’ve been having this dream, this nightmare, really. A horrid, horrid, thing,’ Cameron shuddered as the image of his dead daughter flicked up in front of his face again.

  ‘The thing is, this dream, it’s made me realise the promise I made wasn’t about remembering Tyler. It was about keeping me safe, to stop me from ever caring that much about someone, because I’m not sure I could survive that pain again.’

  ‘Of course not. I don’t know how you’ve managed to live through it the first time,’ Stacey said, her heart going out to him.

  �
��Well, that’s just it. I haven’t lived through anything. I’ve been running scared, hiding from life these past six years. But I can’t do that anymore. I want to live again. I want to live the rest of my life with you. With you and our children.’

  Tears began trickling down Stacey’s face.

  ‘Stacey, Stacey, don’t cry. I didn’t mean to upset you. If you don’t want that anymore, if you’ve changed your mind—’

  ‘No, Cam, I do,’ Stacey managed to get out. ‘I want that too. More than I ever realised I could want something. But are you sure? You’re not going to wake up one day and realise you made a mistake—that you don’t really want to be with me or. . .or. . .our child?’ she gasped, hardly believing such a future—a child together—was even possible.

  ‘I’m not ever going to change my mind, Stacey. I want to be with you forever,’ he assured her.

  It was true. There could be no doubt how he felt about her. Not when he was looking at her with such love in his eyes. It warmed her through to her soul.

  They stared at each other, their hearts in their eyes, an unbreakable connection forming between them.

  ‘You haven’t told me yet,’ Stacey said when she was able to form words again.

  ‘You know the truth.’

  ‘I’d still like to hear it.’

  ‘Well come over here and I’ll tell you.’

  Stacey scooted across the lounge so she was sitting next to him. Cameron leaned against the sofa, looking into her eyes.

  ‘Stacey Carter.’

  ‘Yes?’ She replied.

  ‘With all my heart, I love you.’

  Closing the distance between them, Cameron took her lips with his, sealing his words with a kiss. Moments, long, endless moments later, they came up for air.

  ‘How about we try and make ourselves a baby?’

  ‘What? Really?’ Stacey asked, her heartbeat off the chart. ‘You want to make a baby? Now?’

  ‘I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t, Stace. I told you. I want the fairytale.’

  He leaned down and kissed her again. Before she could say another word, he scooped her up and carried her into the bedroom where he showed her just how much wanted to give her a family of her own.

  Epilogue

  Seven Years Later

  Just a little more. . .there. Stacey leaned back, resting on her knees as the bright spring sunshine glistened down, and inspected her handiwork. Excellent, she’d managed to clean all the mud from her mother’s headstone.

  Mum would be pleased.

  Who was she kidding? Her mum never cared about a little bit of mud traipsing through her house. All Estelle had cared about was love.

  Stacey had never understood that blind devotion before she met Cameron.

  But now she did.

  She glanced up from the headstone and looked over at the kids. Aiden, her six-year old son and his three-year old brother Jack were running in circles, shrieking with laughter as they played a game of tag with their father. Laura, Aiden’s twin sister, stood solemnly to the side watching the boys with disdain, a bunch of flowers clutched protectively to her chest.

  My family.

  Stacey’s heart swelled at the thought. She’d waited so long to have her very own family, but they’d been worth it. She treasured every single minute of her time with them. Her only regret was that her mother wasn’t here to share it with her.

  ‘You were right, Mum. Love really is everything. Wherever you are, I hope you found Dad, and the two of you are sitting around watching us, so you can see I found my happiness too.’

  Stacey raised her fingers to her lips and then pressed them against the stone, before pushing herself to her feet. She gave one final look at her mother’s gravesite before moving towards her family.

  ‘Are you done, Mum? Are you done?’ Laura asked, her long brown plaits sliding over her shoulders as she raced over to Stacey.

  ‘I’m done.’

  ‘Yes! Now we can go see Tyler. I picked these flowers just for him,’ she said, holding the bunch of purple tulips up for Stacey’s inspection.

  ‘Very nice,’ Stacey admired the flowers. ‘Where did you get them? I didn’t think we had tulips at home.’

  ‘Don’t you remember, Mum?’ Laura asked with the exasperation only a six-year old could show. ‘Daddy took me to the shops this morning just so I could get them. He wanted to get the white ones, but I told him Tyler wouldn’t like them. They’re way too boring. Purple’s much better.’

  ‘That it is,’ Stacey said as she met Cameron’s questioning eyes over the top of Laura’s head. She nodded once, indicating she was ready to go.

  ‘Alright, boys, game’s over,’ he called out to the two boys still running around in circles.

  ‘Awe, what? No fair! I was winning,’ Aiden exclaimed, but did as he was told. Jack was another matter. He continued to run in circles until Cameron leaned down and picked him up.

  ‘Come on, Aiden. We’re going to see Tyler, that’s much better than a stupid game of tag,’ Laura informed her brother.

  ‘Laura, watch your language,’ Cameron told her sternly.

  ‘Sorry, Dad.’

  They started walking across the lush green grass towards the other end of the cemetery, a trek they’d taken together many times before. Stacey watched the twins walking in front of her, their heads bent together conspiratorially.

  ‘One, two, three, go!’ Aiden exclaimed and the twins broke apart, charging towards Tyler’s gravesite a hundred metres ahead of them.

  ‘Put me down! Put me down!’ Jack demanded, pushing himself out of Cameron’s arms. Cameron placed him on the ground and he raced after his siblings, determined not to be left behind.

  Stacey stood next to Cameron, watching their children race ahead. Aiden reached the gravesite first and started jumping in the air, fist raised in triumph.

  She looked over at Cam, meeting his amused gaze with her own, and they burst into simultaneous laughter.

  ‘Everything’s a competition for that boy, isn’t it?’ Cameron said.

  ‘I wonder who he got that from.’ Stacey quipped.

  ‘Ah, well, the boy does me proud. They all do. We make good kids, don’t we?’ Cam asked as he slid an arm around Stacey and they started walking again.

  ‘The very best,’ Stacey said, leaning her head into Cam’s shoulder. Maybe she should tell him now? But before she could form the words, Cameron was talking again.

  ‘Have I thanked you yet?’ Cameron murmured the question into the top of Stacey’s hair.

  A smile formed on Stacey’s lips in response to the familiar words. It was his little ritual. Every day without fail, Cameron said them.

  ‘Not today,’ she answered.

  ‘What? And it’s already ten o’clock? I’m getting a little slack.’

  ‘Never,’ Stacey answered, rubbing her hand over his back as they walked towards the kids.

  ‘Still,’ Cameron said, coming to a halt and twisting Stacey around so he could look into her eyes, ‘Thank you, Stacey, for bringing me back to life. For giving me my boy back. For. . .’ Cam glanced over at their children, Laura bending down to tuck her flowers into the waiting pot. ‘I don’t ever want to imagine what my life would be like if I hadn’t met you.’

  ‘Then don’t,’ Stacey said, wiping the tear from her cheek. She reached her arms up, sliding them around his neck, moving her face towards his. Cameron bent his head, meeting her half way. Their lips brushed and Stacey felt the very familiar zing course through her body at his touch. Seven years and their passion was as strong as ever.

  ‘Ooh, gross!’ Stacey heard Aiden call out as they started to pull apart.

  ‘I think it’s sweet. I can’t wait till I meet my Prince Charming,’ Laura informed Aiden dreamily.

  Cameron closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against Stacey’s. ‘Please let that day be a long way away,’ he groaned.

  ‘Don’t worry, there’s a lot of living to be done before then,’ Stacey replied laughin
gly. ‘Including. . .’ but she trailed off, looking towards the kids. She shouldn’t be so nervous but she was. They’d agreed on three children. They were happy with three children.

  ‘Including?’ Cam asked, intrigued.

  ‘How would you feel about another child? Since we make such fine specimens of them?’

  Cameron blinked in surprise. She knew it wasn’t something they’d discussed before. She watched him weigh it up—all the late nights, the crying, and the dirty nappies. He looked at his son’s gravesite and she saw the fear and pain flicker into his eyes again. But then he looked at his other children and she saw his fear turn to joy and knew he would do it again.

  ‘Another child might work, maybe if we start trying in another year—’

  ‘No, that’s too far away. I was thinking more like eight months.’ Stacey looked at Cameron expectantly.

  ‘Eight months? Until we start trying?’

  ‘No, silly. Eight months until we have another baby,’ Stacey said, the smile bursting from its banks.

  ‘You’re pregnant?’ Cameron asked, his eyes wide in shock.

  Stacey nodded her head enthusiastically.

  ‘So, are you okay with that?’

  Cameron looked from Stacey to the kids and back again and an answering grin formed on his face.

  ‘Of course, Stacey. With you by my side, I can handle anything.’

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