Never Ever Tell

by Kirsty Ferguson

  She managed to scramble to her feet, push past him while he was unsteady and shoot down the hallway. She turned back to see him following her. She ran into the kitchen and grabbed a knife from the knife block again. It all seemed so familiar, except this time she knew for certain that he was in the house.

  ‘You’re going to stab me?’ he asked, laughing. ‘Can you even do it, Ness? Stab a man in cold blood? Watch him bleed out in the same place where your kids eat their Cheerios? Is that any way to treat your husband?’ he said in a mock loving voice.

  ‘You’re not my husband, you’re just some guy who knocked me up.’

  He reached out, grabbing her wrist and grinding her bones together so hard that she dropped the knife with a sharp yelp. He pushed her back onto the bench, her back connecting painfully with it. He lurched forward, yanking her chin to keep her still, then forced his tongue into her mouth. She gagged and he covered her nose, until she couldn’t breathe and began to struggle against him. He pulled back, her mouth popping open. He tried to shove his whole fist inside her mouth, he’d done this before, and it never failed to make her panic. She couldn’t breathe around his fist and reached up, trying to claw at his hand. Then she did something she’d never done before. She bit down as hard as she could, her hands still wrapped around his, forcing his fist to stay partially inside her mouth. She could feel metallic blood sliding down the back of her throat, this time his. He yelled and finally pulled his fist out, only after delivering a punch to Vanessa’s ear with his other hand that left her head ringing, a woozy feeling enveloping her. She couldn’t pass out. God knows what would happen to her children if she did.

  ‘You bitch!’ he hissed, cradling his damaged hand. She could see the rivulets of blood trickling from his injury, running down his wrist, and she smiled with satisfaction. Her grin wide, her bared teeth covered in his blood.

  ‘Wren!’ he screamed suddenly.

  Vanessa looked at him in terror before she bolted from the kitchen down the hallway, trying to reach her son before Mark could. She got so close to his door, just past Ty’s, when Mark tackled her from behind. She turned, landing awkwardly on the threadbare carpet on her back. She tried to get up, but his weight suddenly pinned her down, air leaving her body for a long moment until her lungs adjusted to the extra weight. The door to Wren’s room stayed firmly shut. He must have still been asleep, having not heard his dad’s yell. Small mercies.

  Mark yanked down her pants then her underwear and Vanessa, knowing where this was headed, tried to buck him off her. She gnashed her teeth near his face, but he reared back out of her reach. She grunted in pain as he thrust two fingers inside her. He was too strong for her to fight, and there was nothing nearby that she could use as a weapon. He kept pushing his fingers in and out, hurting her. He knew he was hurting her; she saw the look of victory in his eyes. Sadistic fuck. Well, she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of crying. There would be no tears from her. She bit her lip in agony, and her blood mingled with Mark’s.

  ‘I knew you loved it like this,’ he chuckled. ‘Hard and rough, just like a slut does. And Ness? You always were hot for me.’

  Suddenly Ty’s bedroom door flew open and there Wren stood, in his Star Wars pajamas, his lamp with its thick base held aloft in his hands. Before Mark could even turn his head to comprehend what was going on, Wren smashed the lamp down on his dad’s head. Mark slumped to the ground with a soft moan.

  Vanessa watched him for a moment to make sure he was really out cold and only became aware of her state of undress when Wren said, ‘Mommy, are you OK?’

  The use of the word Mommy brought her back immediately. Wren was nearly twelve and hadn’t called her that in a long time. He was scared. She quickly pulled her top down while she scrambled to find her dignity by pulling her underwear and pants back up.

  ‘Wren, sweetheart, why did you come out of the room? And why were you in Ty’s room anyway?’

  ‘I was in Ty’s room ’cos I couldn’t sleep by myself. I heard him yell my name. I recognized his voice and when I heard you both coming down the hall, I knew I had to do something.’

  ‘You’re such a brave boy,’ she whispered, pulling him in for a hug.

  They both looked down at Mark, lying on the floor. They should ring… someone. Vanessa was wracked with indecisiveness.

  ‘Mom?’

  ‘Yeah,’ she whispered, aware that she might be in shock, just a little.

  ‘We should call Billy. He’ll know what to do.’

  ‘Sure,’ she said. Wren took her by the hand and led her into Ty’s room. He locked the door once she was inside. He led her to the rocking chair in the corner and pushed her into it. She looked at him blankly. Wren then pressed number one on the landline handset – the speed-dial number for Billy – and switched it to loudspeaker. The phone connected after only a few rings.

  ‘What is it, Ness?’ came the concerned reply.

  ‘It’s Wren,’ he said softly, urgently.

  ‘Wren! What’s wrong? Where’s your mom? Is she OK?’

  From across the room, Vanessa heard the questions Billy fired at Wren in panic.

  ‘Dad was here, he hurt Mom. I think he’s still here, but I hit him with a lamp.’ She could hear the fear in Wren’s voice, and she felt like a shit mom for bringing this down upon him yet again. His whole little body shook, his eyes wide and disbelieving. Slowly she pushed herself, with a little difficulty, out of the chair and moved to the door.

  ‘I’m coming right now!’

  Reaching out, she touched the bolt on the lock. It was cold.

  ‘Don’t go out there, Mom. He might still be there. Wait for Billy,’ Wren pleaded. Billy would be on his way in a matter of seconds, but Vanessa had to know now, was he still there?

  ‘I’m just going to stick my head out there, OK?’ Slowly she slid the bolt to the side and opened the door wide enough for her to see that Mark was gone. Shocked, she opened the door fully and looked down both sides of the hallway. There was no sign of Mark at all. Not even any blood to prove that he was here. Vanessa heard the key in the front door and ran down the hallway to meet Billy. She fell into his arms, her vision blurry with tears of relief. He wiped them from her cheeks. ‘Ness! What are you doing out here? Get back in the bedroom with the boys and I’ll check the house.’

  It was a familiar scene, locking herself in to keep someone else out. Vanessa anxiously watched over her boys, caressing Ty who was screaming, his face red with rage at being woken from his slumber. Then she put her arms out for a hug from Wren. She knew how hard standing up to his father had been. She knew it had taken guts.

  ‘You’re so brave, Wren. And I’m so proud of you. I worry so much about you and your brother, I just want to keep you both safe and I feel like I’m failing in that.’ She was honest with him. They had that kind of relationship, young as he was; they’d been through so much together, this was just another chapter in their story, one that was far from over.

  Billy knocked gently. ‘He’s gone, Ness. Why don’t you pack up the boys and come and stay at my place for the night? Plenty of room and it’d make me feel better.’

  Vanessa looked at him, so sincere, so caring, then at Wren, whose eyes had a faraway look to them, glazed over. Vanessa was worried about him. Maybe Billy was just what he needed tonight. ‘OK.’ She began to get some stuff together for Ty, enough for a day or two, just in case. As she turned, she saw Billy holding Wren off the ground in a bear hug.

  ‘You OK, buddy?’

  Wren studied his face for a few moments before mumbling, ‘Yes.’

  Thank God for Billy.

  Billy put Wren down and hustled them all into his car, pulling into his driveway a few minutes later. Once the boys were settled in the spare room, he made Vanessa a tea and slid it across the table. ‘Do you want to call the police?’ he asked quietly.

  ‘What’s the point? There’s no evidence that he was ever there. Just like last time. They’ll think I’m making it up.’ She held he
r head in her hands and sighed deeply.

  ‘What did he do to you?’ he asked, but still, the question hit home.

  ‘Nothing I’m not used to.’

  ‘Fuck!’ Billy hissed. ‘Let me go over there and sort him out. I’ll make it so he never comes near you again.’ His face had darkened, and his eyes shadowed with rage. She knew that he meant it.

  ‘Don’t do anything. Please, Billy. I just want to get on with my life, not make it about Mark and what he does or doesn’t do to me anymore. I have to focus on Wren and Ty. They need me and I need them. But I appreciate the offer,’ Vanessa said, steepling her fingers underneath her chin.

  They shared a hug and then Billy bent his head, his lips touching her nose lightly as he kissed her. When she didn’t pull away, he pressed his lips against hers, tentatively at first, then with more pressure. Vanessa parted her lips and his tongue slid inside her mouth slowly. Vanessa had never been kissed like this before and she felt a feeling come over her, one that she thought she’d never feel again, desire. As he wrapped his strong arms around her, his hands exploring every inch of her back, she felt like this was fate. Ever since she’d met Billy on the street, they had just clicked. Breathless, she pulled back.

  ‘Um—' she stuttered, not knowing what to do now. Billy smiled at her, kissed her on the cheek, then took her by the hand and walked her to the bedroom. He grabbed a blanket and pillow from the wardrobe; he was taking the couch, giving Vanessa his bed for the night.

  Vanessa appreciated his tolerance of the situation. She knew that he wanted to do something, anything, to help her out, make her difficult life easier, but talking to Mark wouldn’t help. She knew that better than anyone. She had been expecting something like this to happen, so it hadn’t come as a major surprise. Vanessa drifted off to sleep, her arms wrapped around Billy’s pillow, wishing it were him, the taste of his kiss on her lips.

  If the bubble of happiness surrounding her new life had not burst with Mark’s attack, it had one month later. All the light in her world descended into darkness with a phone call in the middle of the night one Thursday.

  Vanessa patted her side table, grabbing at her phone groggily. The screen blinded her as she looked at the time. It was after four in the morning and Toby was calling her. She didn’t think it was to discuss the budget.

  ‘Toby, what’s wrong?’ she said, instantly awake.

  There was silence, long enough that she repeated his name.

  ‘Sorry, Vanessa, I’m just… trying to make sense of it all.’

  ‘What’s happened?’ She felt a seed of apprehensiveness grow within her.

  ‘The alarm in the café was tripped in the early hours this morning, so Dad went down to the shop to check it out. It had been trashed. The guy was still there. Ness, he beat Dad pretty badly – he’s in the hospital.’ The seed blossomed.

  ‘Oh God, is he OK?’ She couldn’t believe this, who attacks an old man? A coward, that’s who.

  ‘He should be OK, but he’s got some broken bones and a concussion.’

  ‘I’ll come right over.’ He said no, but the way he said it told her so much more. He was scared. She called her mom and asked her to watch the boys while she went to the hospital.

  ‘Ness! I told you not to come,’ Toby said as Vanessa rushed in to the hospital ward.

  ‘I had to come. Your dad and I have become close – he’s a friend as well as my boss and the kids love him.’ She slid her arms around Toby and felt him shudder. Then he stepped back.

  ‘When I got the call, I was terrified that they were going to tell me that my dad was dead. I couldn’t have dealt with that. But this is bad enough – he’s covered in bruises and scratches, a broken arm, broken wrist. Whoever did this is an animal.’

  She looked at Toby’s drawn face. ‘Look, he’s a tough old man, he’s going to be fine.’ She tried to reassure him.

  Toby nodded. ‘He’ll be in hospital for a while, then recovery. He’s already told me to find someone to hire to work in the garage, “And be smart about it, boy,”’ he said in a fair imitation of his dad.

  The cleanup of the café took longer than expected, nearly two weeks. Whoever had broken in – their identity was still yet to be revealed – had done a real number on the place. Every corner had been trashed, food and appliances destroyed. Old man Phillips didn’t seem to be recovering as fast as Toby had hoped he would. The bruises faded, the cuts healed, the broken bones began to knit back together, but he just wasn’t the same. Vanessa went up to visit him every day, sometimes taking the boys with her. Finally, he was released and cleared to go home. Toby hired a nurse to help him out and a cleaner to do the housework so that he was well looked after.

  One day when she went to visit old man Phillips, he confided in her. ‘I don’t think I want to do this anymore,’ he said it in a voice that sounded devoid of hope. The voice of a man who had lost everything.

  ‘You want to die?’ She was shocked.

  ‘What? No, woman, I don’t think I want to work in the garage anymore. I’m not sure I can go back.’

  Vanessa breathed a deep sigh of relief. He wasn’t talking about dying, just retiring. She reached out and grasped his hand. ‘It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Something traumatic happened to you there – it’s natural to be nervous or frightened to go back to work. You don’t have to – the guy that Toby hired is working out all right so I’m sure he’d be happy to stay on full time. Do you want me to talk to Toby for you?’

  ‘I really should do it myself, but thanks, Vanessa.’ He gripped her hand back, giving her a gentle smile. Patting his hand one last time, she stood up and drove home, wondering what kind of man would beat up a defenseless old-timer. A thought crossed her mind, which she dismissed, but in the late hours of the morning she revisited it. Someone had broken into the café with the intention of completely destroying it. Maybe, just maybe, someone angry, out for revenge, trashed it and old man Phillips just happened to be there. He was certainly capable. Mark.

  9

  It had been nearly three months since the attack in her own home, but every time Vanessa walked down the hallway she relived the moment that he had thrown her to the threadbare carpet and done what he did. She couldn’t get the look of determination in Wren’s eyes as he smashed the lamp on his dad’s head out of her head. He would do anything to protect her, at all costs. Allies, confidants and friends as well as a mother and son. Theirs was a relationship that could not be broken. Billy had once said to Wren that he was the man of the house and that it was his responsibility to protect his mom and baby brother. So far, Vanessa couldn’t fault him.

  But then again, Billy was shouldering much of the burden of protecting her family too. He was such a sweet and caring man, very protective of the three of them, like they were his family. She figured that since he didn’t have his own, perhaps they were. It felt nice to belong to something special. She knew that she was a lucky woman, having a man like him in her – their – lives. At school, their friend groups had overlapped; he was more friends with Mark, but they had got to know each other, bumping into each other frequently at parties that she would go to with Mark and Maggie. He had always been nice to her, and he was one of the few people that had still talked to her or stood up for her after the whole pregnancy thing. She had never forgotten the time he’d even stood up to Maggie.

  Maggie had been calling her a slut, egged on by her friends. They had Vanessa cornered while Maggie went to town on her, unleashing her rage on her in the most vicious and public way. Vanessa had been on the verge of tears but hadn’t wanted to give them the satisfaction, so she’d forced a mask of indifference over her features.

  ‘Enough!’ roared a voice. Maggie, stunned, had stopped her tirade.

  The crowd that had gathered to watch the drama unfold parted for Billy, heads above the rest as he’d shouldered his way through them.

  ‘That’s enough, Maggie,’ he’d said in a stern voice that brooked no argument. ‘What’s done is done. No more
.’ He’d grabbed Vanessa by the hand and pulled her along, leaving the crowd behind them.

  ‘Don’t look back,’ he’d warned. ‘It shows weakness.’ Once they had turned the corner, he dropped her hand. ‘Are you all right? That was brutal. Why didn’t you say anything?’ he’d asked.

  ‘Because everything she was saying was true. I deserve what’s happening to me. The pregnancy, the basically forced marriage.’

  ‘You could say no to the marriage, Vanessa, you know that right?’

  ‘Our parents are pushing for it and I don’t want my baby to grow up without a dad, even if it is Mark.’

  Vanessa smiled at the memory. Billy had been so nice to her that day and continued to protect her at school after that. As her stomach had expanded, the bullying had got worse. Then they’d graduated and Billy had moved away, not even knowing if she had a boy or girl. It was a shame, and she had missed him and his caring ways.

  Now, years later, here he was, back in her life and still playing the role of protector. It was a good look on him. She so appreciated him and the way he cared for Wren and Ty. Wren loved him, she was sure of it, and she knew that the feeling was mutual. They spent a lot of time together, Billy teaching him how to be a good man, just like he was. Wren already had a good sense of what was right and wrong, but Billy helped him hone it. And Ty, well Ty was loved by them all. He was an amazing kid and she lavished love on him. He too loved Billy. Billy played endless games using the trucks and piles of sand in the sandpit out the back. He would sit, squashed in the corner of the small sandpit with Ty until dinner was ready. Yes, Billy was family. Now she just had to work up a way to tell him. They hadn’t yet worked out how to act on their growing attraction to each other, and she was holding things up, not knowing how to move forward. She knew Billy was a good man, but she was still hesitant after her experiences with Mark. Would she ever get over what he’d done to her?