Never Ever Tell

by Kirsty Ferguson

‘Yeah, no light pollution here. We got everything we need,’ Justin said. Wade sniggered and she wanted to ask them what they found so funny. Wade was a big guy, dwarfing her small frame. She wouldn’t want to get on the bad side of him. As she walked, pebbles poked through her ballet flats. She probably should have worn different shoes, but to be fair, she didn’t know that she’d be traipsing through a field in the dead of night.

  Wren had told her that the three of them were basically inseparable, something she had found since day one. Olivia had pierced the inner circle, but at times, she wished she hadn’t, that she’d stayed outside the bubble. These two made her uncomfortable.

  Wren had admitted to her early on that Justin was a bit of a dick, especially to women, especially women he wanted to sleep with. It did not make Olivia feel any better. He had told her that his behavior was because of his home life; His parents, largely absentee, didn’t love him. His mom, who owned the bar that Wren’s dad worked at, was a workaholic. She didn’t seem to care what happened to her son but gave him all the stuff he wanted. They bought his silence.

  Wade was another story. Wade’s dad had run out on them when he was little, the second father figure in his life then knocked up his mom and left. So now she had to be a single mom to a teenager and a baby. Wren told her that she was hooked on pills just to get through the day. She was overwhelmed and didn’t have time to parent Wade, so he basically dragged himself up.

  They stopped in the middle of the field. Wade still had the drink in his hand and offered it to Olivia again. She still shook her head.

  ‘I’m driving,’ she said again. They didn’t seem to get the concept.

  ‘Doesn’t mean you can’t have one,’ Justin said. ‘Loosen up a little.’

  It looked like Wren had had a few already, and his breath smelled of beer. She was used to her dad drinking red wine, smelling like a grown-up; but the boys smelled like boys.

  ‘Leave it, Justin. Olivia doesn’t want a drink.’

  ‘Maybe there’s something else that she wants,’ Justin said, picking up a tendril of her thick hair and running his hand down it. Then he began massaging her scalp. ‘Feels good, doesn’t it?’

  She broke away from him. ‘No, it doesn’t.’

  What was happening here?

  She looked at the tipsy Wren, who warned, ‘Justin. Leave her alone.’

  Olivia was about to walk to the safety and comfort of Wren’s arms when she felt someone put an arm around her chest and one behind her knees. She dropped to the ground with a thud.

  Justin. She was looking up at him from the flat of her back, the night sky seeming to be pressing down upon her until she realized that it was Justin’s boot. It was on her chest, pinning her to the ground like an insect caught by a pin.

  He moved his feet to either side of her waist and she seized the opportunity to get up and try to run to safety when he dropped down so he was sitting on her. He wiggled a little, laughing.

  ‘Now we’re having fun,’ he laughed. Wade laughed along with him.

  ‘Justin! Get the fuck off her!’ yelled Wren, moving toward Justin, but Wade’s meaty hand of his shoulder halted him. ‘Let her go, you fucker.’ Wren tried to break free from Wade’s grasp, but he hung on, wrapping both arms around the smaller Wren.

  Olivia could feel the weight of Justin pushing her further into the ground. She could feel each burr from the weeds underneath her, each pebble as it cut through her thin singlet.

  ‘Stop!’ she yelled as he leaned down to kiss her, pinning her arms above her head with one hand.

  ‘No, you fucking cocktease! I won’t.’ Instead of kissing her, like she thought he would, he reached down with his free hand and ripped her singlet, exposing her chest to the warm night air. Olivia’s breaths were coming out in ragged gasps as she tried to fight against Justin. She screamed, a loud sound in the largely quiet night, the sound of the music too far away. ‘No one’ll hear you bitch. Scream all you want.’

  She saw past Justin, Wade holding Wren around the waist as he struggled and tried to get to her.

  He’s not gonna make it, was her last coherent thought. ‘C’mon, Livvy – I like my women feisty.’ He ducked his head back down and bit into her breast. She screamed, then his hands were around her neck. The night seemed deeper, darker somehow, like it was rushing down to devour her. She tried to fight, to speak, to beg for her life, but the darkness swallowed her whole.

  18

  Olivia lay on the ground for God knows how long. The stars above seemed much further away than they had before. Now she felt as inconsequential as a speck of dust. When she tried to stand up, her hands cut by the sharp pebbles, her body felt heavy and in pain. Pain like she’d never felt before. Her heart hurt almost as much as… She couldn’t even put words to it. What had happened to her?

  She scrambled to her feet after what seemed like an eternity. She walked through the field, burrs crunching underfoot, her shoes forgotten, her singlet ripped, her panties left in the dirt. She felt like she couldn’t draw enough breath, her lungs refusing to inflate fully. Olivia couldn’t focus on any one thing. She smoothed down her skirt, feeling a lump in her pocket. With fingers that didn’t want to work properly, she reached and found her car keys. She looked at them, then looked at her nails, caked with dirt. What had she been doing?

  She stumbled through the large open gate filled with tire marks and saw her car, the only one left, sitting there waiting. Hadn’t anyone seen the car and thought, I wonder if that person needs help?

  She pushed the button unlocking the doors, then slid behind the wheel, hissing in pain as her body came into contact with the chair. Gently, she sat back down and turned on the car, her bare foot pressed against the pedal. She accelerated too fast, corrected the wheel, and nearly hit the gate post. With a short sharp scream, she stopped, let out a shaky breath and tried again. This time she managed to get herself on to the road without any further mishaps.

  Olivia didn’t remember the drive home. She must have been on autopilot, her body engaging, her mind somewhere else.

  The lights in her house were burning brightly. Her dad was still up then. She would sneak through the back and go straight to her room. She parked the car on the street instead of the driveway and walked gingerly through the back door, carefully inserting her key so her dad didn’t hear her. She was later than she normally was, but she hoped he was on the couch after one too many glasses of red wine and not watching the time of her arrival.

  Easing open her bedroom door, Olivia took in the scene. Her walls were still covered with posters of nineties boy bands of which she was obsessed, unicorn and cloud pillows, a pink-and-white cupcake comforter and lace curtains. It was the room of a girl. Everything screamed innocence. With a cry torn straight from her soul, she pulled the comforter from the bed, throwing it on the floor. Next, she picked up each cushion and threw them wildly, knocking over her pencils, her plant and crashing her laptop to the floor.

  She started to sob as she ripped the posters into little chunks that scattered from her hands like confetti.

  The door flew open and her dad stood there, staring at her, then surveying the damage. Her hair was wild, decorated with twigs and her eyes puffy from crying, and tears poured down her cheeks.

  ‘Olivia. What’s wrong?’ Her dad held out his hand to help his daughter from the bed. She shrank back and stood perfectly still, like the eye of a hurricane passing over her. All the anger went from her, leaving her exhausted.

  ‘Nothing,’ she whispered.

  He looked at her closely. ‘Are you all right?’

  She’d never be all right again. She knew this instinctively.

  ‘I’m fine,’ her voice hoarse from her cries straining to be heard in the field. Olivia bent down and retrieved her comforter, pulling it up over herself as she curled into a ball underneath it. ‘I want to be alone,’ came her muffled statement. She heard the door close gently. She couldn’t handle another man around her right now. She would have said any
thing to get rid of him. Men were either liars or they were indifferent: she didn’t think there was such a thing as in between. And there was no such thing as the perfect man, she thought bitterly.

  Hot tears slid down her cheek only to roll off her chin, where they dripped onto the sheet. Her whole body ached now that she had stopped moving. Her mind wouldn’t let her think about why that was, the night a blur, and for that she was eternally grateful. Olivia huddled inside her cocoon, finally falling asleep as the sun rose on Sunday morning.

  When she woke, she couldn’t bring herself to move from her cocoon. Olivia heard her dad walking quietly up to her closed bedroom door, waiting, listening for signs of life then walking away again when he heard nothing. He kept doing it for the next hour before she decided to let him know once and for all that she was OK, even though she wasn’t. When she stood, the world swayed, much like it had done… before. Her mind clapped shut, blocking her from whatever memories she couldn’t face reliving.

  Staring at herself in the mirror in the bathroom, Olivia pulled the twigs out of her hair, not knowing how they got there. She undressed, taking in her ripped singlet. She had a flashback of large hands taking a handful of each side of the singlet and ripping it. She shook her head and moved to the shower. She washed the twigs from her hair, the water dirty from her feet. They were covered in dust and she hadn’t showered since… she didn’t know when. Surely it was yesterday before she went out? She tried to remember where she’d been. Someone pressuring her to drink a cup of beer. Don’t drink and drive: her dad’s only rule.

  Olivia stood naked in front of the mirror. She noticed bruises on her inner thighs. Her body jolted as her mind kicked out a random memory of the night before. Fuck! Hold her down, will you? I can’t— She couldn’t handle it, her whole body shaking so much that she dropped to the floor, arms wrapped around her knees, rocking back and forth.

  She had no idea how long she sat there for, mind blanking time and pain, but eventually she got up and pulled her clothes on, walking back to her bedroom.

  Her dad must have heard the shower running because he was hovering in the hallway near the bathroom door waiting for her. ‘Olivia, are you all right?’ A memory. Hadn’t he already asked her that?

  ‘Fine,’ she said, not wanting to talk at all.

  ‘Will you be OK to go to school tomorrow? You seem kinda… sick or something.’ He was trying, but she couldn’t even hold a simple conversation. Her mind drifted away; from what, she was still unsure.

  ‘I just need… I need…’ Olivia couldn’t finish her sentence. She slipped under the comforter with jerky movements, knowing she should feel something, but she was completely numb. Something had happened.

  You wanna go?

  Olivia recoiled – from what she didn’t know – and buried herself deeper, covering her head. She needed to block out the noise, the terror she was feeling welling up inside of her.

  She heard her dad close the door and mercifully, she fell asleep.

  Wren felt rather than heard someone in his room, standing by his bed. He could smell burning toast, the scent of coffee wafting down the hallway. The smell made his stomach turn. Quickly he threw back the comforter and launched himself down the hall to the bathroom. He just made it before landing on his knees and violently throwing up.

  ‘Wren?’ The bedroom visitor had followed him down the hall. He heard the small voice say in the doorway. ‘Mom said it’s breakfast time. She has to go to work.’ When no reply was forthcoming, Ty tried again. ‘You sick or something, Wren?’

  Wren wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He stood, feeling groggy and unfocused. He rinsed his mouth, still smelling the toast and coffee, still tasting the vomit. ‘I’m fine. Coming now, just give me a minute.’ He turned to his little brother and pushed him in the butt with his foot. Ty giggled and ran off down the hallway.

  Wren looked at his reflection: discolored and swollen eye, cut lip, torn T-shirt. He knew he’d bruised his ribs, they were tender to touch, as was his stomach – probably why he’d thrown up. No, he knew why. Justin.

  ‘Wren?’ called his mom. ‘Billy just left and I have to go soon. Come have your breakfast. I made eggs.’ Normally he loved her eggs, but they were always runny and the thought sent him back to his knees where he threw up more beer and bile.

  He walked into the kitchen. ‘What the hell, Wren?’

  He looked down at himself. Damn, he’d forgotten to change and he hadn’t cleaned up his face. ‘What happened to you?’ His mom sprang over to him in two strides and gently grasped his face in her hands. She looked at the shiner, the cut lip. ‘You boys need to go easier on each other, you’re not kids anymore.’

  Wren’s stomach was killing him, and the thought of trying to hold food down made him nauseous all over again. He wondered about Olivia. Should he call her? Probably not. He would be one of the last people she’d want to hear from.

  ‘Wren?’ His mom snapped her fingers in front of his eyes. ‘Sweetheart, are you OK?’ His mom knew him pretty damn well. They had been a team since he could remember, a family unit with a connection that couldn’t be broken. Even when she married Billy, he’d come in third to her children. ‘You look… I don’t know, but there’s something more wrong than just boys knocking each other around. What is it?’ Her eyes stared into his and he was afraid that she’d see his secret. Last night’s secret.

  ‘It’s nothing, Mom. Breakfast smells good,’ he said, trying to stop the interrogation.

  ‘Ty made it,’ his mom murmured, seemingly unconvinced that nothing was wrong. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t go to work today…’

  ‘Mom, I’ll be fine, just feeling a bit sore – nothing I can’t handle.’ Fuck Justin.

  ‘Well all right. Make sure you take good care of your brother, OK? And Ty?’ She turned to her other son who was sitting at the table eating his breakfast.

  ‘Yes, Mommy?’

  ‘You need to take care of Wren today. Be a good boy and I’ll be home in a few hours.’ She turned back to Wren. ‘You sure you don’t want me to stay home?’

  ‘Yeah, I’m sure.’ He needed time to think, to figure out what to do next.

  He went to the window, ignoring the plate of food, and watched as she drove off in her old car. Billy had often offered to update her car, but she always declined; this car reminded her of how far she’d come. He’d been trying to save for a car of his own by working with Billy.

  ‘Wren?’ Ty broke his thoughts and for that he rewarded his brother with a smile.

  ‘Yeah, little dude?’

  ‘Come eat with me?’

  Wren sat down at the table and forced himself to finish every last bite of his eggs as his brother looked on, smiling. He loved Ty. He would not let him down.

  Olivia. Even her name… He just couldn’t.

  Monday morning came around, but Wren couldn’t make himself get up. His mom called for him before sending Ty down who Wren promptly sent away. Next, he heard the lumbering tread of his stepdad. Billy came into his room.

  ‘You all right, buddy?’ he asked, his brows raised, questioning. ‘Your mom sent me to get you.’

  Wren rolled over and sat up, barely meeting Billy’s eyes.

  ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘You know, if you want to talk about anything, I’m always here for you. No matter what it is. I won’t judge.’

  Yes, you would. If only you knew.

  ‘Thanks, Billy. Tell Mom I’m getting up now.’ He used the bathroom that they all shared. His mom would be heading off to work soon, as would Billy, and Ty would be going to school. As he dressed, he thought about his plan. He would stay home today; he didn’t want to go to school. Didn’t want to see them. How could he?

  ‘Honey!’ called his mom. ‘Justin’s here for you!’

  What the actual fuck?

  Wren walked down the hallway and into the lounge room where Justin was chatting casually with his mom about her weekend and she was gently chastising him for Wren’s injuri
es. ‘What did you boys get up to Saturday night?’

  Justin gave her a smile that he used on the girls at school. ‘What we always do, Mrs Wright. What we always do.’

  They both turned when they heard Wren clear his throat.

  ‘Hey, Wren. Ready to go?’

  ‘What are you doing here, Justin?’ The slight hostility in his voice gave his mom pause.

  ‘Came to pick you up, as always. Right?’

  Wren looked at his mom, who seemed confused by the tension in the air.

  ‘Right,’ she said. ‘Well Ty and I have to go. Billy said to say goodbye. Ty, honey, time to go.’

  Ty came running into the room, his too-big backpack slapping his back.

  ‘See ya,’ he said to Wren with a hug and a kiss, Justin watching on.

  ‘Later, Ty,’ Justin said, giving him a high five.

  They left and their absence left a void. ‘Why are you here?’

  ‘I’m here to pick you up. Let’s go, don’t wanna be late.’ He walked out the door, throwing a look behind him, making sure that Wren was following him. He was.

  Wren pulled the locked door behind him, wondering what the hell he was going to do.

  Wade was sitting in the back seat, as usual, behind the driver’s side.

  ‘Don’t forget your seatbelt, Wren,’ Wade said, mocking him. It was something his mom said to him often, much to his friends’ amusement. Wren pulled the seatbelt over his chest and clicked it in just as Justin took off. Wade unclicked it from his position in the back.

  ‘Don’t be an asshole your whole life,’ Wren said, his voice filled with annoyance.

  Wade laughed. ‘Someone’s a bit touchy today.’

  ‘Just fucking drive,’ Wren said to Justin.

  ‘Wren.’ Justin started talking, no doubt aware that Wren wasn’t in the mood. ‘We all make choices. I make choices and you make choices. And we have to live with those choices. For some, it’s easier than others. You’ll get there.’

  Wren looked out the window as they sped toward the school. Wren had been planning on taking the day off to get his head right, but what if he never saw things the same way again? The car stopped moving and he turned to see Justin already out of the car, Wade slamming his door.