Vanessa couldn’t read any more today, so great was the girl’s heartbreak. She came out into the kitchen only to find Maggie standing by the sink.
‘We need to talk,’ Maggie said, pulling out a chair and motioning for Vanessa to do the same. She did so reluctantly. ‘Last night Ty asked me if Wren was in heaven or hell.’
Vanessa said nothing, not knowing what to say.
‘Don’t you have anything to say to that?’
‘What did you tell him?’ she asked, looking in Maggie’s direction.
‘Of course I told him that Wren was in heaven looking down on him, but you need to talk to him. He is suffering and you doing this whole absentee thing is not good for him. I’m taking care of him, but I’m not Mom. With questions like that, the answers should come from you,’ she rammed home, but in a soft voice, meaning to cajole her into being a present mom.
‘Maggie,’ Vanessa sighed. ‘I’m mourning the loss of my eldest boy; I literally can’t think of anything else. I have no room for anything else. There is nothing but Wren. I love Ty, I do, but I can’t be there for him right now.’ It was more than she’d said on the subject since Wren had died. She needed Maggie to know that she just couldn’t deal with anything else at the moment. She had questions that needed answers, and then, and only then, could she be a mother and wife again. She knew that Billy, Maggie and her dad talked about her, no doubt trying to decide how to bring her back from this limbo world that she was stuck in.
Vanessa stood, signaling the end of their conversation. She walked down to the bedroom, pulled her boots off and promptly fell into a tense sleep. She woke with a start when Billy put a hand on her shoulder. More like nearly leapt through the roof.
‘What the fuck, Billy?’ she said, before she had a chance to engage her brain. She wanted to take it back but, it was out there now.
‘I was just coming to tell you that Maggie has made dinner. How are you feeling today?’
She just stared at him.
‘I guess I shouldn’t ask that question anymore, huh?’ He asked, slight bitterness to his voice. She knew she was hurting him by being this way – she wasn’t completely blind – but she also knew that she couldn’t do anything about it right now. It was still all about Wren.
‘Come and eat something. You’ll feel better.’ He pulled back the comforter and put her slippers on her socked feet. She sat down on the chair that Billy pulled out for her. She knew that she looked a mess. Hair untidy and unwashed, her shirt now crinkled from sleeping in it. Ty beamed at her as she sat down. ‘Hi, Mommy,’ he said brightly, and she felt a pang of loneliness. Wren should be sitting at the table next to Ty, ruffling his hair or tickling him under the arms. She sighed deeply before making her mouth smile at him. ‘Hey, Ty.’ That was all she could give, but it seemed to be enough for him, but not Billy and Maggie.
She tried to eat, but it made her stomach churn so much that she was afraid that she was going to be sick. She went into the kitchen to make herself a weak tea, which she was able to stomach in small doses. She could tell when she came back to the table that they’d been talking about her. They looked kind of guilty, except Ty, who looked like he was about to cry.
‘I miss Wren!’ he said before pushing his chair back and running down the hallway. The other two looked at her, but she sat there, staring at the wall until Billy eventually stood, angrily pushing his chair across the floor and heading off down the hallway to comfort Ty. It seemed his initial excitement at seeing his mom had worn off and his grief had come pulsing through.
Distant though they were, Billy tried to hold her hand in bed that night. She pulled away and he sighed in the darkness. ‘Are you ever going to come back to us, Ness?’ She didn’t answer, just rolled over and looked into the darkness. She couldn’t answer that. She didn’t want to tell him that she may never come back, and she certainly wouldn’t be coming back the same. She was forever changed, and not for the better. This grief was like a stain on her soul, blackening part of it, killing it off, poisoning it from the inside out.
In the safety of her own room, she thought about transference and her relationship with Ryan. As long as she kept it above board with him, telling him when he came close to the line, she didn’t see any reason to stop their friendship. Billy had asked about her spending so much time over there and was hurt when she said that he understood her. He kept his mouth shut, but she knew exactly what he wanted to say but had yet to say it.
The next day, Vanessa snuck out of the house with two diaries and a bottle of water and drove around aimlessly, looking for a place to sit and read. She didn’t want to go to the library; she couldn’t handle people today, and besides, every time people saw her, she received condolences and she just couldn’t handle it. Another drawback to living in a small town. You’d think she’d appreciate the support, but unless they had information about Wren and his state of mind before the accident, they just didn’t exist to her. Eventually, she knew where she wanted to go. She sat down on the hard-packed dirt of the riverbank: Wren’s favorite spot. His sanctuary. She wondered if he had brought Olivia down here. She knew the boys had been.
The boys. The survivors.
She wasn’t ready to see them just yet either, but they weren’t going anywhere. She knew where they both lived. For a moment, she watched the fast-flowing river as it sped past her, momentarily blinded by the sun dancing across its surface. She watched as fish jumped out of the water, arching gracefully before diving under again. The primal smell of the mud filled her nostrils, and she could see why Wren loved it down here so much. Secluded and quiet. She was completely, blissfully alone. Finally.
She took out a diary and opened it to where she had left a bookmark. Olivia was in the process of moving schools after her dad had taken the position at Wren’s community college. While she felt guilt that her dad had to change jobs and towns again, it was the first time that she had been happy to move towns, schools. A fresh start. She loved the quaint little town with its small population, where neighbors knew each other and the corner store still sold boiled lollipops for twenty cents each. She wrote about her trepidation of starting another school, but she seemed optimistic. She hoped with all her heart that she made a friend this time round. And she did, before she’d even left the front office. She wrote about a boy that she met on the first day. A boy who she felt an instant connection with. A boy whose name was Wren.
Vanessa cried out when she saw his name even though she knew it was coming, it still hit her in the stomach, hard, when she read it. She traced his name with her fingertip, a couple of her tears dropping onto the page before she moved the book and wiped her eyes. It was still so raw. It became clear after reading a bit further than Olivia was smitten with her son. So far, Vanessa couldn’t think of a single reason why Olivia would commit suicide.
Ryan called her, the ringing cutting through the peacefulness of the river, and she had an insane urge to apologize. ‘Hey, Vanessa, how are you?’ He sounded down, the pain in his voice coming through loud and clear.
‘The same. You?’
‘Same. Just wondering if you’ve had a chance to start the diaries?’
He’d only given them to her yesterday. ‘Yes, I’ve started – I’m up to where she has just started at the community college and met Wren.’ She was quiet, and couldn’t speak for a moment.
‘That must be hard for you to read. You’re so much braver than I am,’ he said quietly.
‘I read about the bullying, which was hard to read. Did you know about that?’
‘No. Not until… the end. I’m just happy that they had each other, much like we do. No, not like that. I value you as a friend, and I appreciate your support and guidance.’ It was just what she needed to hear from him.
‘Thanks, Ryan, you too.’
She just wanted to help him. A girl who had written about what sounded like just about every facet of her life would certainly write about her impending suicide.
The cicadas chirped their son
gs so loudly in the background that she could barely hear Ryan’s goodbye. The sun was blazing down on her head, her hair hot to the touch. She thought about a quick dip in the river, but she didn’t think she could handle the memories of swimming with Wren. She packed up her bag, the diaries and her bottle of now empty water and headed back to the air-conditioned comfort of the car.
The ever-present Maggie was waiting for her when she got home. ‘Hey, where have you been?’
‘Nowhere.’
‘Ness, you have to talk sooner or later. Wren’s death has been hard on us all, but we’ve been coping, leaning on each other. You’re not living this way.’
‘Then maybe I should just die.’ She walked off down to her bedroom. She heard Maggie murmuring something in a low voice before she closed the door. Was it to her? She didn’t know nor did she care.
Later, when Billy arrived home, he came straight down to their bedroom, smelling of fresh lawn clippings and summer. ‘Dinner is ready and you’re coming down to eat with us like a normal family. Your son needs to see you, hear from you and you will give him that.’ Billy rarely laid down the law with her, so she dragged herself off the bed and followed him down to the kitchen, taking her place at the table. Maggie had a mug of weak tea and some dry toast put in front of her chair instead of the roast that the rest were all having.
‘There are some leftovers in the oven if you want it.’
Normally there were no leftovers: Wren would eat everything in the house.
‘Hey, Mom,’ said a very subdued Ty. She wanted to ask what was wrong, but honestly, she couldn’t deal with the answer if it was to do with Wren.
‘Hey, Ty.’ She may not have been talking much, but she reached her hand across the table to hold his. He smiled slightly and put his hand in hers, and she gave it a brief squeeze before letting go.
It was two days later when Maggie approached her again. ‘It’s time to come back to your family. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. They need you. I can help out all you want, but they want and need you.’
‘I need to find out what happened to Olivia – she didn’t commit suicide for no reason. I need to help Ryan and Wren…’ She couldn’t finish her sentence.
‘Why does a stranger come before family?’ Maggie asked, running her hands through her hair in frustration, a trait that Vanessa and Wren also shared.
‘Because Wren loved her. It’s as simple as that. I’m doing the best that I can. Now if there’s nothing else, I have to go out.’ Vanessa didn’t make any mention of the fact that Ty was home because he wasn’t feeling very well. She didn’t look back at Maggie as she picked up her bag and left.
She went outside only to find Mark leaning on her car. She had a flashback that left her breathless.
Wren was always a good boy: a good son and a great friend. Her best friend, in fact. They had been through so much together in their lives. Not for one second had she ever wished she hadn’t fallen pregnant with him. Not even in her darkest days. He was the one thing that kept her going, got her out of bed in the morning, and he nourished her soul with his love. He was her soulmate and she knew that he loved her just as much.
He tried his best to protect her from Mark’s temper, sometimes trying to deflect blame and even a few times, stepping in to try to help him mom while his dad was attacking her. He knew right from wrong; he was a good kid. Vanessa would have liked to shield him from the harsh realities of life but, living with Mark, she couldn’t do that. He saw the worst in humanity, but it never warped him; if anything, it made him a better person.
There had been one particular night when Wren had tried his best to rescue her. Mark had come home from work in a foul mood. She didn’t know what had caused it and she didn’t much care, she just tried to keep out of his way and keep Wren in his bedroom. She was cooking his dinner – meat and three vegetables – which obviously wasn’t cooking fast enough for his liking.
‘For fuck’s sake, woman, hurry up. I’m starving and you’re fucking around.’
She bit back the retort on her tongue. She was trying to keep the peace, and keep the peace she would, no matter how much he baited her. ‘Not that your cooking is all that anyway. Pretty shit, actually.’
She ignored him.
‘I said, it’s pretty shit. Isn’t it, Vanessa?’ His voice was low, dangerous. She didn’t dare turn around.
‘Yes. Of course.’
‘Say it.’
‘My cooking is shit.’ She felt so low in that moment and wanted nothing more than to disappear right then and there. She heard the chair scrape behind her as he pushed it noisily away from the table. She could feel him behind her and she froze, not daring to move at all.
She heard Wren walk into the room and wanted to scream at him to get away. She turned around, moving away from Mark. She turned back just as Mark reached over and grabbed the handle of boiling pan of broccoli, cauliflower and carrots. He cocked his arm back and threw the contents of the pot. As the boiling water hit her chest, the pain took her breath away. She screamed in agony, dropping to the ground.
‘Mommy! Mommy!’ She lay curled up on the floor, moaning loudly. She looked up into Mark’s angry face.
‘Fucking hate meat and three veg.’ Then he walked out the door not looking back.
She cried harder.
‘Should I call Nannie? Mommy, what do I do?’ screamed Wren, his voice hysterical.
She couldn’t tell him what to do. Her vision started to fade then everything, including the pain, mercifully disappeared. When she woke, she was in hospital, her chest covered in bandages. Her mom, Wren on one side of her, was asleep in a chair next to her bed. They both were asleep but her mom heard Vanessa let out a low moan. Her mom’s eyes popped open. ‘Wren, Wren, look who’s awake. He opened his sleepy little eyes, finally focusing on his mom. ‘You’re OK,’ he whispered.
‘Yeah, I’m OK.’ Her chest felt like it was on fire, so she pressed the button for the nurse. She came bustling in. ‘Pain is it?’ Vanessa nodded. ‘Glad to see you’re awake, scared your little boy half to death, burning yourself like that.’
Wren had obviously covered for Mark, doing what Vanessa had done numerous times. He was just following her lead. She hated what she was doing, teaching him to protect a bully, an abuser of women. Wren held her gaze and shook his head gently. Now was not the time to confess. He knew it and she knew it. Wren touched the back of her hand.
‘I’m sorry, Mom, I—’
‘Don’t, Wren. Just don’t, baby.’
Vanessa put her hand on her heart, which was thumping painfully in her chest. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Just coming to check on you.’
‘I’m no longer your concern, Mark. I’m not married to you anymore and I’m not your property.’ She was still affected by all those years. ‘The only thing we share in common is Ty and you’ve never shown any interest in him.’
‘Actually, we have Wren and our shared grief in common. And I do want a relationship with Ty, that’s why I’m here.’
‘Oh is it?’ she said sarcastically.
‘Yeah. Losing Wren… it’s been hard. I know it has been on you too. I regret so many things in my life, but what I regret the most is not fighting for my kids. I don’t want to make that mistake again.’
‘And does that include Charlotte?’ Vanessa asked. ‘Maggie’s inside if you want to talk to her about it.’
‘Both my kids, Ness.’
‘Don’t call me that,’ she snapped.
‘Sorry. Could I come in and see Ty?’
‘It’s a school day, but he is actually off school because he doesn’t feel well.’
Vanessa thought about what he’d said. He did seem changed. He wanted to see his kids and he was sober, wearing clean, possibly new, clothes. She then noticed that he’d combed his hair, and she realized that he was trying to make a good impression. Like a job interview where the job was being able to spend time with your kids.
‘OK, but o
nly for ten minutes – like I said, he’s sick and you need to go slow. He’s a special little boy and he’s still not coping that well.’ She was only guessing, and that was terrible.
She unlocked the door. ‘That was quick,’ yelled Maggie.
‘Actually, I didn’t get out of the driveway. We have a visitor and he has something to say.’
Maggie came out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a tea towel. Then she saw Mark standing just behind Vanessa.
‘What the hell are you doing here?’ Maggie demanded. Her furious gaze fell on Vanessa. ‘Explain yourself,’ she said, like Vanessa was a naughty school girl.
‘I think I’ll let him do that,’ she said in the face of Maggie’s anger. ‘Mark.’
Mark rubbed a hand over his lightly stubbled face. ‘Maggie, I know I’ve done wrong by you and done a lot of damage to you, both of you actually. I’m here to say I’m sorry, so very sorry that I hurt you both and our children. I want to make things right with the kids, both of them. If something should happen, I want them to know that I tried. That I wanted to be a proper dad. I’ve changed.’
That part seemed true. He had never expressed any desire in seeing his children before. Maggie looked at Vanessa skeptically. ‘What do you say to this?’
‘I guess if he’s adamant about trying to have a relationship with Ty, then I should at least give it a go. He is his father, after all.’
Maggie’s brows lowered as she swung her gaze back to Mark. ‘You do this, you commit to these kids. You have to see it through. No disappearing on Ty and Charlotte. Especially Ty.’ She looked at Vanessa. ‘He’s been through so much and needs stability.’
‘Ty!’ Maggie called out. They heard his footsteps coming down the hallway and Vanessa felt a sense of dread.
‘Yeah?’ he said as he came into the room.
‘Ty, do you remember your dad? Mark.’
‘Billy is my dad,’ he said matter-of-factly.
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