‘Well, yes, Billy is your stepdad. Mark is your biological dad, your first dad, I guess. He was married to your mom when they had you.’
Vanessa thought about the night Ty was conceived. She pushed the thought away. She’d never be able to let Mark have a relationship with Ty otherwise.
Ty tried again. ‘But I only want one dad. Billy. Mom, are you making me go away?’
Vanessa was stricken with his question and went round to put her hands on his shoulders. ‘I would never make you go away. I love you,’ she choked out the words, then let him go.
She looked at Maggie, pleading for help.
‘Maggie will be here for ten minutes while Mark visits with you. Then he can come back another day.’
Maggie came closer to her. ‘You don’t want to run this by Billy first?’ she whispered.
‘My child, my choice. All right, I’m off.’
Maggie looked surprised. ‘Where are you going?’ she asked.
‘I… uh… have things to do.’ She could see the disapproval on Maggie’s face, but she didn’t care. The comradery they just shared was gone. Vanessa didn’t have the energy to care. She loved Maggie, but like Billy, she was pushing her.
Again, Vanessa drove around, not really knowing where to go, before finding herself turning onto the old highway toward the crash site where Wren had lost his life. Reading the diaries out there would make it seem like the lovers were together again. She hadn’t been to the site yet – Billy hadn’t thought she was strong enough – but she was over other people making decisions for her.
She pulled up and walked across the road toward the tree with the flapping blue and white tape on it, Vanessa thought it strange that there were no skid marks as you would expect. Justin had told police that he swerved to avoid a deer and that it all happened so fast he didn’t even know what happened.
So why no skid marks, Justin?
Just one of the questions she’d be asking him when she eventually confronted him, then Wade. Vanessa followed the flattened-down weeds toward the tree, tracing the path that the car had taken. She hesitated, then stopped. Was Billy right? Was she ready for this? To see the actual spot where Wren had drawn his last breath? Could she do this?
Yes.
She started walking again, slower but still inching closer. Soon she was just in front of the tree, standing on broken safety glass, thick and glinting in the morning sun. There were deep gouges in the tree where the car had impacted with the thick trunk. Vanessa reached out a trembling hand and traced the marks with her fingertip.
She swept the glass out of the way with her hand, then sat down with her back against the tree trunk. She pulled out a diary and inhaled deeply. She looked up into the perfect blue sky, and the perfect fluffy clouds drifting on a lazy breeze.
Her life was far from perfect. She now sat in the very place her son died.
Tears welled up in her eyes again, but she did not let them come. Instead, she began to read.
Olivia had wanted to stay a virgin until she was sure that Wren felt for her what she felt for him. She was adamant that she be sure. He never pressured her, like her previous boyfriend, and Vanessa felt a sense of pride, knowing that she raised her boy to be respectful of women despite what he’d grown up with. It was a worry that the violence he’d seen early on in his life would leave a lasting impact on the man he’d become, but it wasn’t the case. Wren was wonderful. As Vanessa read more pages, she became convinced, as did Olivia, that Wren was the one.
She couldn’t understand. If he was the one and they were so in love, why the fuck did she kill herself? She was tempted to skip ahead, but she had promised Ryan. She also promised him that she’d call when she had something to tell him.
The sun hung low in the sky and she had to shade her eyes on the way home. Billy was going to be so mad and not just about her missing dinner. She drove home and saw Billy’s pickup parked out the front and had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.
‘A word,’ he said sternly as soon as she walked in the door. He had been waiting to pounce on her.
She followed him down the hallway to their bedroom.
He sighed. ‘Look, I don’t appreciate being kept out of the loop on such an important decision. Ty told me his dad came to visit him today. He gave him a carved wooden car that he’s carrying around with him everywhere. Maggie said that Mark came over wanting to make amends for everything that he’s done. And you’re just, what, going to let him see Ty after everything?’ She could see that Billy was working himself into a state, his fists clenching and unclenching.
‘Well, why shouldn’t he be given a second chance?’
‘How many fucking chances does that bastard deserve? Do you remember what he did to you? To Wren? You were broken when I ran into you,’ he hissed. ‘Now you’re letting him back in? This won’t end well.’
‘Maybe, maybe not, but I need your support on this.’
‘Sure, I’ll help you with Mark, but if he puts a foot wrong, I will kill him. He shouldn’t be allowed near Ty,’ he said, his parting shot as he went to leave the room, then he stopped, his back to her. ‘Maggie says you go out nearly every day. Where do you go, Ness?’
‘I just drive around. Usually, I end up at Wren’s spot at the river.’
‘Maggie told me about some diary of Olivia’s that you’ve been reading.’
Damn her!
‘Yeah, Ryan asked me to. He can’t read it himself – it’s too painful. He wants to know if she explains why she killed herself.’ She didn’t mention that there was more than one.
‘Ness, that’s a very intense and personal thing to be doing. You’re still so fragile. Are you sure?’
‘And this is why I never told you about it,’ Vanessa said, angrily sweeping her hair to one side to massage her stiff neck. She was stressed and it was manifesting in knotted muscles. ‘It’s important to Ryan.’
‘And just how much time are you spending with Ryan?’ His eyes were narrowed in suspicion.
‘Are you kidding me? I go over there sometimes, but we usually talk on the phone and it’s limited to him calling me to see if I’ve found anything, which isn’t often. In fact, once.’
‘Is this really the best use of your time?’ he asked. ‘Wouldn’t you be better focusing on your grief, moving through it and coming back to us, whole?’
‘Billy, I’ll never be whole again, I thought you understood that. The woman you married is gone. This is who’s in her place now. I have to get to the bottom of this. As I explained to Maggie – who I’m sure passed it on to you – I can find out what was wrong with Wren by finding out what was wrong with Olivia. Why don’t you get that?’ She was crying now, tears of frustrated littered her face.
‘OK, OK, I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I just want to make sure you know what you’re doing, what you’re giving up.’ With that, he walked away from her. Part of her wanted to run after him, but the stronger part said, Let him go.
Her phone rang. She picked it up without looking at the name on the screen.
‘Hey, it’s me.’
‘Hey, Ryan.’ She could hear the floorboards shift outside the door and she knew someone was listening. Well, they wouldn’t hear anything.
‘Just calling for an update,’ he said hopefully.
‘So far I have nothing that would indicate she’s anything other than happy. I think it would help bring you closure if you read what she’s written. They really were in love.’
‘I was kind of hoping for an explanation, a confession, something.’
‘Look, I haven’t finished. She writes just about everything that goes on in her life. Listen, I have to go.’ The footsteps moved away. She slowly hung up the phone and placed it back into her bag.
25
Vanessa was back at the river again. This time, she parked underneath the dappled light coming through the trees. She lay on top of the bonnet, feeling the sun – still warm in the shade – dancing on her bare arms, the almost h
ot bonnet underneath her. She pulled out Olivia’s third diary. There were two diaries left, so she hoped that Olivia would get to the point soon. She read about general school things for about an hour until she found something interesting buried within.
I don’t like Wren’s friends.
That’s all she wrote. One line about such a complex and obviously troubling issue. Why didn’t she like them? What had they done to warrant a mention in her diary? She didn’t say anything more, which in itself was odd since she was so detailed with everything else. It just didn’t fit. She didn’t like his friends. That meant Justin and Wade. The two boys she couldn’t face yet. The survivors of the crash that took her boy. Crushed skull. Closed coffin.
She kept reading. Twelve pages later, she was rewarded by another tiny piece of the puzzle.
I should talk to Wren about them, but I just can’t find the words.
What words? Why was she being so cagey? Why not just come out and say it? Vanessa kept reading, enthralled now. She read for another hour, looked at the time and thought she’d better get back. There were two cups sitting on the sink, so Vanessa surmised that her dad had made a surprise visit today, but she hadn’t been home. They’d been avoiding each other, neither one of them knowing what the fuck to say.
For the first time since the service at their house, Vanessa felt up to going into Wren’s room again. She hesitated, her hand on the doorknob. She both did and didn’t want to go inside. But eventually love and curiosity won out and she turned the knob.
It was just as he’d left it. A boy’s room, bed unmade, clean clothes on the floor not yet put away and soccer boots thrown in the corner. She ran her hand over his laptop. She closed the lid to protect it from dust. There were stickers all over the lid; he’d customized his school laptop to better reflect who he was. Vanessa sat down on his bed and picked up his pillow. It had lost his scent and she lost her shit. Bursting into tears, she howled at the unfairness of it all. Why him? Why was he taken? Eventually her howls turned to light sobbing, and she lay curled up on his bed, clutching his pillow. She fell asleep and woke up in a panic to a silent house. Maggie and Ty should have been home an hour ago. So, where were they?
Vanessa had a frightening thought: a tree, gouge marks. She panicked, the heaviness in her stomach turning to a hot ball of fear. She tried ringing Maggie’s phone, but it went to voicemail. The fear within her started to take over, radiating out from her heart. She rang Mark’s phone. He answered on the fourth ring.
‘What’s up, Ness… Vanessa?’ he corrected.
‘Is Ty with you?’
‘Sure, him and Maggie and Charlotte are all at my place. Why?’
She sagged against the doorway and couldn’t answer for a moment, the words lodged in her throat. She cleared her throat, but still no words.
‘Vanessa? Did you forget they were coming to my place today? You did say it was OK.’ He spoke softly, so unlike the old Mark that she had known. He sounded almost tender.
‘I don’t even know what day it is, Mark.’ She hung up without saying another word and Maggie was home within the next twenty minutes, full of apologies.
She had called Billy when she began to panic, and he was the one that suggested she call Maggie’s phone. Once Maggie was home, Vanessa called Billy back to let him know Ty was home safe and sound.
‘See, babe, nothing to worry about. He’s fine, though, I admit I am glad you were worried.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ she snapped, not understanding why he would say something so hurtful to her.
‘Nothing,’ he backpedaled.
‘No, tell me.’
‘It’s just that you haven’t shown much interest in Ty since Wren died. It’s nice to see you still care.’
‘Fuck you, Billy,’ she said quietly and hung up.
How dare he say that to her? She loved Ty, even if she had a little trouble showing it right now. A little trouble?
Billy didn’t know how she felt, not really. Ryan did. She was debating whether it was a good idea to call him when the phone rang in her hand. Billy. She declined the call. She was too angry to talk to him right now. He had basically accused her of not loving Ty. After Wren, how could she not be the way she was? It didn’t mean Ty wasn’t on her mind, in her heart.
Somehow it felt right reading Olivia’s diary in Wren’s room, surrounded by his things. Olivia’s entries had captured Wren’s room right down to the last little detail. She had truly captured the essence of who he was. She had loved Wren. What had gone so horribly wrong?
Vanessa heard the front door open. Billy was home. She closed Wren’s door on the way out and walked down to see him. She wanted and expected an apology. She was seething, still so angry. She had the diary clutched in her hand.
‘What’s that?’ he asked. No apology. He didn’t even seem contrite for what he had said.
‘Olivia’s diary.’ She wondered why she didn’t say Olivia’s diaries.
‘You shouldn’t be reading that; it’s only going to cause you more pain. I already told you that.’
Vanessa didn’t like his tone; it reminded her of things better left unsaid. ‘I told Ryan I’d read it and I intend to keep that promise. He needs to know why she killed herself. Can’t you understand that?’
Suddenly Billy snatched the diary from her hand, seized a cover in each hand and ripped it in two. She screamed. He ripped it again, then threw the pieces to the ground. Vanessa dropped to her knees, gathering the fragments into a messy pile. She cried as she tried to pick them all up, scooping them possessively toward her. Maggie came running into the room, saw what had happened and walked out again, choosing to leave husband and wife to work it out.
‘Why did you do that?’ Vanessa screamed at him. Her tears burning track marks into her cheeks.
‘For your own good.’
She stood and launched herself at him. She slapped him across the cheek as hard as she could pages fluttering to the ground. He stood there and took it. ‘And I’d do it again. You’re only going to find heartache there.’
Vanessa left the pieces lying on the floor and grabbed her bag and keys. She looked back, something telling her to turn around. She saw Ty hiding in the doorway of the lounge room. He must have heard her scream. She wanted to go and comfort him, but she couldn’t go back into the house, she couldn’t even think, she just knew if she didn’t leave, she was going to say or do something that she couldn’t take back. Better for her to go.
Vanessa drove around for a while, trying to work up the courage to go to Ryan’s place and own up to what Billy had done. Every time she thought about it, she burst into tears. He had no right to do that, no right at all. Who was he to tell her what was best for her?
Eventually, she pulled up out the front and rang the doorbell. Ryan answered after a long time. Maybe he was in Olivia’s room, touching her things like she’d been doing in Wren’s room.
‘Vanessa. Nice to see you. Come in.’ He stepped back to let her pass but noticed the look on her face. ‘Are you all right? Did something happen?’ God knows if anything worse than the death of your child could happen – could anything even come close to that?
She nodded, wanting to fling her arms around him, but knowing that it wasn’t a good idea. ‘I came here to confess and to say how sorry I am.’ Her eyes were downcast, tears slipping from beneath her lids. She couldn’t even meet his gaze.
‘Jesus, Vanessa, what the hell happened?’ He touched her arm and she looked up at him through a haze of tears, her face drained of all color. She felt faint, dizzy, like she was either going to puke or pass out.
‘Billy saw me with one of Olivia’s diaries and he snatched it from my hands and ripped it to shreds. I’m so sorry.’ She completely lost it, bawling, covering her face, muffled cries coming out from under her hands.
Ryan gently took her hands and held them in his. ‘It’s all right.’
‘No, it’s not. I’m furious that he’d do that. There could have been a clu
e in there! He doesn’t know that there’s one left, I’ll hide it so he can’t find them. I promise.’ She was supposed to be bringing him answers, not bad news about something that could have been avoided. Billy thought he was protecting her, but did that give him the right to destroy someone else’s property?
He hugged her to him, but there was distance to it; just a friendly hug to let her know that everything was fine between them.
‘You know, this place is like a sanctuary to me,’ she said, pulling back. ‘Here I don’t feel judged about how long it’s taking me to work through my grief.’
‘I’m glad you feel that way. I seriously don’t know what I’d do without the support you give me.’
She was still fuming with rage when she went home hours later. Someone had left the front light on for her – probably Maggie. They were getting used to her coming and going at all hours of the night. Vanessa no longer slept much and when she did, it was fitful and full of nightmares. She imagined the crash as if she’d been there. Then there was the one where she was stuck in the funeral, like a time loop, reliving that day over and over again and again until she woke, covered in sweat and crying. It was burned into her memory forever; she couldn’t escape it, even in her sleep.
While Billy slept, she pulled out the next diary and began flipping through it. It was only half full. She wondered if it stopped when Olivia died and if this diary would finally give them both the answers they sought. Billy snorted in his sleep, scaring her so much that she shoved the diary under the bed. Once Billy had settled again, she pulled the diary back out and read it using the light on her phone. She finished the diary within half an hour. It didn’t hold the secrets they were hoping for, but it did have a note in it for her dad. Vanessa had felt like she was invading Olivia’s last words to her dad, but she just had to read them. She felt like she knew the girl now, and what if she said something about Wren?
Dad,
I know you won’t understand why I’m doing what I’m doing but know that I had a very good reason. It’s not like before. I won’t be waking up and you won’t be rescuing me this time. I will be gone. I’m sorry that I’ll be leaving you on your own. I know that you’ll struggle to cope at first, but you’ll find a way. You’re strong, much stronger than I am. I am taking the coward’s way out, the shortcut right to the ending. It just hurts too much to go on living.
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