Never Ever Tell

by Kirsty Ferguson

  I love you, always and forever,

  Your Olivia

  Vanessa sat there, stunned and unable to move for a few minutes, tears of frustration streaming down her face. Ryan was going to be absolutely inconsolable. Her note explained absolutely nothing. It was more infuriating than having no note at all. Still, she had to show it to him.

  Yet again, she rang Ryan’s doorbell and yet again she had bad news. He looked prepared for it this time.

  ‘Did your husband destroy the other diary?’

  ‘No, it’s something else. Olivia, she left you a note. It’s like she knew you’d read the diaries at some point, so I’m sure she’s omitted some things.’

  She handed him the diary with the letter page open. He read it slowly, then again.

  ‘That’s it? That’s all she left me? It doesn’t even explain anything. How could she? She took her secrets to the grave with her and now I’ll never know.’ He began to cry silently, shoulders hunched up, body tense. She wrapped him in her arms for a moment until he started to calm down.

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Don’t ever apologize for being human.’

  ‘You always seem so strong,’ Ryan said.

  ‘Trust me, I’m not. The littlest thing can see me unravel. I break down too, you’re just not there to see it. I carry my grief alone.’

  ‘That must get very lonely. You can always talk to me.’

  ‘If I’m going to talk to anyone, it should really be my husband.’ She thought of Billy and his usually caring ways. Ever since Wren had died, she felt like he had changed. Become a harder man. Then again, she had changed too, become distant and angry. ‘But he wants me to hurry through the grieving phase and come back to being his wife. The trouble is, I’m not ready to let go just yet. I have things to do. I haven’t spoken to Justin or Wade yet – I need their stories and to ask them questions. They lived and Wren didn’t – that’s all I really know at this stage, but I intend to find out everything.’

  ‘Well, if you need backup…’

  ‘I know where to find it.’

  She left soon after. Tomorrow, she would pay Justin and Wade a visit.

  26

  The day didn’t exactly go as planned. Vanessa had wanted to go and visit Justin and Wade, talk to them at length, find out what they knew. She knew exactly what to do. Then Billy had thrown her a curveball.

  Maggie had got Ty ready and driven him to school, and Billy had showered and dressed, but he still didn’t leave the house. It got to ten o’clock and he was still there.

  ‘Billy, do you have a late start today?’ Vanessa asked, noting that he wasn’t wearing his work clothes.

  ‘I’m not going in today. I thought we could spend the day together, some quality time. Maggie is going home for the day to spend time with Charlotte and catch up with your dad. He comes to see you, you know, but you’re never here anymore – hence taking the day off.’

  ‘I wish you’d asked me first; I had planned on doing something.’

  ‘With Ryan?’ he asked, eyes narrowed. Billy rarely got jealous, but this was a whole new Billy.

  ‘No, I was going to see the boys, Justin and Wade. I am going to ask them a few questions. They were still in hospital for Wren’s funeral and I was in no state anyway, so I’m going to pay them a little visit.’ She waited for him to explode.

  ‘What do you need to see them for? Why do you want to open old wounds?’

  ‘Because they’re not healed!’ she yelled. ‘And I want to know what happened in Wren’s last moments. What’s so wrong with that?’

  ‘His lasts moments as he lay on the grass dying?’

  She was stunned. ‘I’ve never known you to be so insensitive ever since I met you. What is it with you?’ She felt the tears prick behind her eyes.

  ‘I told you, I want my wife back.’ He glared at her and she glared back at him.

  ‘Well, this is the wrong way to go about it, let me tell you that. I haven’t even forgiven you for ripping up Olivia’s diary.’

  ‘It was the right thing to do,’ he said, jaw set, eyes blazing.

  ‘It wasn’t your property or your call to make.’

  ‘Ness,’ he said, trying hard to keep his anger in check, ‘we’ve been through this. It wasn’t healthy for you and this Ryan guy shouldn’t have asked you to do it.’

  ‘Actually, I volunteered since he couldn’t do it himself. Got anything to say about that?’

  ‘I want you to drop it. Don’t go and see Justin or Wade.’

  ‘I can’t promise you that,’ she said defiantly.

  ‘I forbid you to talk to them.’

  ‘Wow,’ Vanessa said. ‘You know who you sound like? Mark.’ She walked out of the room.

  Billy followed her. ‘I’m nothing like him and on that subject, is it really a good idea for him to see Ty alone next week?’

  ‘Yeah, it is, he’s changed Billy. Are we really going to do this right now?’ Vanessa asked.

  ‘I just don’t think it’s a good idea, that’s all.’

  ‘Well, Billy, that’s not your decision, is it?’ Argument won, she stared at him.

  ‘You’ve changed, Ness. So much.’

  ‘I told you,’ she said, frustrated and angry still. ‘I’m a different person. You don’t understand, do you?’

  ‘I do.’

  ‘How can you? You’ve never lost a child.’ She knew it was a shitty thing to say, but she couldn’t help herself. Billy had always thought and treated Wren as his own, he’d always promised her he would. She knew it was fucked up to say that.

  He looked crestfallen. ‘I’ve always considered Wren my own. I miss him every day, Ness. You know that.’

  She glanced at him, her face a mask of rage, mouth snarling, eyes wide with annoyance. ‘I’m sorry, Billy, I’m just not myself, I know that. I need you to be patient with me and let me do what I have to do. Can you do that for me?’

  ‘I can’t condone you bothering those boys. They will already feel so guilty and bringing it up isn’t going to help anyone.’

  ‘Fuck!’ she yelled. ‘You still don’t get it. I’m talking to them whether you or they like it.’

  Angry as she was, she knew she wasn’t in the right frame of mind to confront Justin and Wade. She needed to be non-threatening, not the ball of white-hot rage that Billy had turned her into. She would go tomorrow, no excuses.

  Later that night, they lay beside each other, but they were worlds apart. She could tell what Billy was thinking – he wanted to protect everyone from further heartache – but she couldn’t move on until she had spoken to Wren’s friends to see what they knew.

  She went to sleep and had the dream again. She was back at Wren’s funeral in her uncomfortable black dress, pantyhose and black heels. She never wore heels, but she needed to look her best, as perfect as she could, because that would be people’s lasting impression of her, of Wren. This time, however, the nightmare changed. She was in the car, sitting in the passenger seat. She could feel Justin swerve to miss the deer, feel them speeding toward the tree that she knew they were going to hit. She pumped her foot on the imaginary brakes, trying to slow down the runaway car, but nothing worked. They hit it head-on.

  Vanessa must have been moaning in her sleep because the next thing she knew, Billy was shaking her awake.

  ‘You OK? You were having a pretty bad nightmare there.’

  ‘I was in the car, I watched Wren die,’ she sobbed, rubbing her eyes angrily.

  Billy pulled her under his arms, snuggled her in and said, ‘No more bad dreams tonight, Ness.’

  Despite being so angry with him, she let him hold her. She was too afraid to be by herself, to be stuck in the nightmare again.

  Vanessa woke up the next morning a little later than usual. The sun was streaming in through her window. ‘Shit.’ She dressed hurriedly, pulling on jeans and a jumper.

  ‘Morning, sleepyhead,’ Maggie said when Vanessa walked in the kitchen. ‘Want a cup of coffee?’

/>   ‘No thanks – gotta run, late already.’ She spoke fast so Maggie wouldn’t be able to get a word in edgewise. ‘See you,’ Vanessa said, taking a banana from the fruit bowl. She flew past a speechless Maggie.

  ‘Are you going to see Justin and Wade?’ she yelled after Vanessa.

  Vanessa stopped in her tracks. ‘How do you know that?’ she asked, hands on her hips.

  Maggie looked sheepish. ‘Well, Billy is worried that this will set you back, that’s all.’

  ‘And how do you know that?’

  ‘He voiced his concerns to me about how you were coping, the diary, Ryan, you know, everything that’s been going on.’

  Vanessa was fucking furious. How could they be talking about her like this? By the look on her face, Maggie knew it was wrong too.

  ‘I’d appreciate it if you no longer spoke about me behind my back,’ Vanessa said coldly. ‘If you have something to say, say it to my face.’

  Maggie looked surprised by the frosty tone. ‘We didn’t mean anything by it. He asked my opinion, that’s all.’

  Vanessa softened; she unclenched her fists. ‘I don’t mean to be snappy at you, at anyone else, but I just feel that those who I love are working against me, stopping me from what I’ve got to do. Do you understand?’

  ‘I understand. Next time we have concerns, we’ll come to you. I thought I’d take the kids to see Mark after school. Would that be OK? Your dad will be there too, if you want to come round.’

  ‘I’ll think about it – I have things to do today.’

  Vanessa drove around the corner and parked. She needed to make a call and hadn’t wanted Maggie overhearing. She scrolled through her phone until she found Justin’s mother’s number. She dialed, but it just rang and rang and there was no voicemail. Vanessa decided to go to the bar and talk to Joan in person.

  The first person she came across was Mark who was working. He saw her, surprise on his face. He dropped his cloth and walked over to her.

  ‘Is Ty OK?’ he asked immediately.

  ‘He’s fine. I’m here to see Joan. Is she here? Do you know where she is?’

  Mark laughed. ‘Joan’s not in the habit of telling her employees where she’s going or what she’s doing. Maybe at the hospital?’

  ‘So Justin’s still in hospital then?’ she asked casually.

  ‘Are you going there? To the hospital?’

  ‘Why, you gonna try to stop me?’

  ‘Whoa, I was just going to ask if you wanted company – I can get someone to cover my shift.’

  Vanessa really needed to calm down, but the thought of someone potentially stopping her from seeing Justin pissed her off.

  ‘Thanks, but I need to do this on my own.’

  ‘Let me know if you need help.’ He smiled at her, then went back to what he was doing. So that was one person who wasn’t going to hassle her. Good.

  It was hot outside, the sun fully beating down and tainting the air with its dryness. She drove over to the hospital in the next town. She liked the anonymity there. There she wasn’t the mother of Wren Sawyer who died in a horrible accident, smashed beyond repair. Here, she was just another faceless, nameless person going about her business. She drove past Wren’s old high school, going out of her way to see it. Ty would go there one day – how was she going to handle that? How was he? She found it hard to catch her breath as she slowly drove past, looking at all the teenagers swarming out the doors for lunch. Healthy-looking. Alive.

  She found a parking space at the hospital ten minutes later. Cracking her knuckles and smoothing back her hair, she walked inside where the air-conditioner kept the hospital slightly too cold.

  ‘Hi,’ she said to the woman behind the reception counter. ‘I’m looking for a patient named Justin Arden. Which room is he in?’

  ‘Are you a family member?’ she asked.

  ‘Yes, I’m his Aunt, I’ve just arrived in town.’

  A few clacks of the keyboard later and she had a room number. ‘Ward C, Room 101.’

  She took a deep breath and walked into the room. Joan was nowhere to be seen, but Justin was lying on the hospital bed. His eyes were closed, but they opened slowly when she said his name.

  ‘Justin?’

  He blinked. ‘Mrs Wright?’

  ‘Yeah, hi. How are you?’

  ‘Sore.’ He tried to smile, but it seemed to hurt him. There were half-healed scabs on his face.

  ‘I’ve come to ask about the accident.’

  ‘Accident?’

  ‘Wren. You were driving. Justin, do you remember?’ He seemed pretty drugged up, but maybe he’d be more forthcoming.

  ‘Wren,’ he said sadly.

  She swallowed the lump that suddenly appeared in her throat. ‘It was an accident,’ he said slowly. ‘Swerved to avoid a deer, hit a tree.’

  ‘That’s what happened?’

  ‘Yeah,’ he said thickly.

  ‘Justin, there were no skid marks – why didn’t you brake?’

  ‘Happened too fast. No time to think.’ He was falling asleep while talking to her. She wasn’t going to get much more out of him, and she still had questions.

  ‘Why wasn’t Wren wearing a seatbelt?’

  ‘Not sure,’ he said slowly.

  ‘What are you doing in here?’ came the strident voice of Joan Arden. ‘You can’t be in here. Leave now or I will call security.’ It was an over-the-top reaction, and Vanessa had to wonder why.

  ‘I was just coming to see how Justin was doing, but he is a little out of it.’

  ‘I don’t want you talking to him.’

  ‘Why not?’ Vanessa replied, folding her arms across her chest.

  ‘Because Justin has been through something traumatic and I don’t want him to be reminded of that. He has a lot to recover from – he may never walk the same again. He has a concussion, a crushed leg from being pinned under the steering column, and memory-loss issues. He’s in no shape for visitors.’

  ‘Joan, I understand he’s in pain, but my son is dead, and I need answers. Justin may have them.’

  ‘Fuck off, Vanessa.’

  Vanessa was taken aback by her words, her tone, her demeanor, but left anyway. She was going to have to try a different tack with Justin. She’d think on it some more.

  She drove back to their small town and headed over to Wade’s house. The front yard was unkempt – weeds up to the knees, toys half hidden among the out-of-control foliage. She knocked on the door and heard the baby crying; someone was definitely home. A harried-looking Phillipa opened the door. ‘What do you want?’ she demanded.

  She decided to be direct. ‘I want to speak to Wade. I want to ask him a few questions about the accident.’

  ‘I’m sorry for your loss, Vanessa, I really am, but Wade had nothing to do with it.’

  ‘He was in the car with Justin, who was driving, and Wren, who died. Why can’t he speak to me?’

  Phillipa sighed. ‘He has concussion, a broken arm and a fractured wrist. He smashed his head against the side widow and hasn’t really been himself since.’

  Why were these two women using injuries to stop their sons from talking to Vanessa?

  ‘He feels guilty – it could be about Wren.’

  You think?

  ‘Can I talk to him, please?’ Vanessa almost begged.

  ‘It’s not a good time.’

  ‘OK, can I come back when he is feeling better?’

  ‘No. I don’t think that’s a good idea. He… he doesn’t need to remember.’

  ‘Things don’t add up, Philippa. If it was Wade, wouldn’t you want to know?’

  ‘Go away, Vanessa,’ she said as she went to shut the door in her face.

  Vanessa was shocked. Mild-mannered Phillipa had just told her to go away! Vanessa stuck her foot in between the door and the jamb. ‘Did Joan call you? What did she say?’

  Philippa looked down. ‘No,’ she said, clearly lying.

  ‘If they did nothing wrong, then why can’t I talk to them? What are
they hiding?’ She was so frustrated with Joan and Phillipa. What was their problem? ‘Next time I come back, I’m not taking no for an answer.’

  Vanessa walked away and drove off without looking back. She was angry and emotional, and the only person who would understand was Ryan. She drove over to his house and rang the doorbell. He answered the door with a glass of red in his hand. She took it from him and drank three healthy gulps.

  ‘Been one of those days, huh?’

  ‘You have no idea.’

  ‘Tell me about it. That’s why you’re here, right? To vent?’

  ‘Something like that. I just don’t understand. Why can’t I talk to them? It’s making me angry and desperate. I went to the hospital to see Justin, but I didn’t get much out of him, then Joan kicked me out. Same at Phillipa and Wade’s house. I just want to talk to them, see if Wren confided in them.’

  ‘Maybe they just feel guilty for surviving, Ness.’

  ‘Maybe, but it won’t stop me.’ She took another sip of the wine, just a little one this time. ‘They must know something,’ she said to herself.

  ‘Do you need to sit down? You look a little pale.’

  ‘Maybe just for a minute then I have to go home. Billy will know what I’ve done by now. Fucking small towns.’ She gave a bark of laughter.

  27

  ‘Thanks for listening to me babble, Ryan. I appreciate that I can come here and feel safe. It’s like a haven.’ Vanessa smiled at him. ‘I’d better go before my husband sends out a search party.’ She felt calmer now than when she had arrived. She was sure the red wine and the venting had helped.

  Billy was in the lounge when she got home. ‘You missed dinner. Again.’

  ‘I know.’