It's on Us

by Matthew Burkey-Gilchrist

  By the time that I came back downstairs, Rory had the kitchen cleaned up and he was on his second cup of coffee for the morning.

  “Ready to go?”

  I nodded. “Yeah. It’s weird right? I mean that no one has said anything.”

  Rory shrugged. “Yeah, it’s a little weird. But weird doesn’t mean bad. You know that.”

  “But weird is weird,” I insisted as we left the house. “I mean, there were comments on my first video. Why aren’t there any comments on this one?”

  “Do you prefer someone said something derogatory?”

  I paused at the door to his car. “Um, yeah, I kinda do.”

  “You’re weird.”

  “Hey, you’re friends with me.”

  “True.”

  We opened our doors and climbed in the car. Rory started it up, backed it out of the driveway, and took off down the street. There wasn’t much talk as we drove to my house. Instead, we kept flipping through radio stations. But the closer I got to home, the more uneasy I started to feel. Rory turned the corner onto my street, and I saw red truck in our driveway.

  “What the hell are Cody’s parents doing there?” Rory asked.

  “Um, good question.”

  “I mean, they don’t really hang out with your parents, do they?”

  I shook my head. Although Cody’s parents, Frank and Alice, were nice enough people, they tended to shy away from the other families at meets and stuff. They weren’t unfriendly, but in all the time that I had known Cody, I couldn’t remember his parents hanging out with any of the other parents, including mine.

  A knot started to form in my stomach when I started to think about what they could be discussing. Me. It had to be about me coming out to the guys on the team. Cody must have said something, and although I had never heard his parents say anything overtly bad about homosexuals, I knew they were pretty devout Catholics.

  By the time we pulled into the driveway, I had almost worked myself up into a full blown panic attack. My palms were sweaty, my heart was racing, and I felt like I was going to throw up all over the inside of Rory’s car. It was apparently written all over my face. Rory reached over and gave my shoulders a squeeze.

  “Henry, take a deep breath. It’s going to be okay. I promise.”

  All I could do was nod slowly.

  “Come on,” Rory said, opening his door. “Let’s go see what the fuck is going on.”

  I took a deep breath and got out of the car as well. We were almost to the front door when it flew open and Frank and Alice came out, walking hurriedly to their car. They both had intense looks on their faces, though I couldn’t tell what those looks were. Annoyance? Anger? They walked straight past us without saying a word.

  “Um, that didn’t look good,” I said, glancing at Rory.

  I sprinted up the rest of the pathway and into the house, with Rory close on my heels. I found my parents in the kitchen and they both wore pained looks on their faces.

  “You’re home early,” my mother said. Her voice was tense and a little hoarse, like she had been crying or something.

  “Yeah. Is everything alright?”

  “Everything is fine,” my father said. He cleared his throat. “Rory, we need to talk to Henry. Do you think that you could give us a few minutes?”

  “Sure,” Rory said. He reached up and gave my shoulder a squeeze. “I’ll text ya later.”

  “Thanks.”

  Once Rory was gone and I heard the front door shut, I turned back to my parents.

  “Everything is not alright,” I said, looking between the two of them. “Don’t try and deny it. You both look like you’ve been crying. So, come on, spill it.”

  My father sighed. “Come in and sit down for a minute, okay?”

  I folded my arms over my chest. “You’re about to tell me to calm down, aren’t you?”

  “We want to have an honest discussion with you,” my dad said. He sat down at the island. “Now, come in, please.”

  I noticed that my mother was saying nothing, although her face seemed a little more composed now. Sighing, I made my way to the island and stood opposite my dad. My mother slipped onto the bar stool next to him, still clutching several tissues.

  “So?” I asked. “What did Frank and Alice have to say?”

  My parents exchanged a worried look for a moment.

  “They’re concerned about their son,” my dad said. “And although I think their concern is bullshit–”

  “Stop it,” my mom cut in. “It’s their rights as parents to feel however they feel.”

  “But it’s still bullshit.”

  I almost cracked a smile at him.

  My mom gave him a rather annoyed and stern look. “What your father is trying to say is that Frank and Alice are concerned as parents that your sexuality might, well might make Cody uncomfortable.”

  “And him being an asshole makes me uncomfortable,” I snapped.

  “Henry!” my mom said, her eyes going wide. “He’s your friend.”

  I shook my head. “No, he was my friend. Now he’s just an ass.”

  “And if their son is allowed to feel how he feels about Henry, I think that it's only fair that Henry is able to similarly express himself,” my dad said. “Back to what we were talking about. We asked Frank and Alice to allow you to be the one that decides who you can tell and when.”

  “They aren’t going to keep their mouths shut, are they?”

  “We can’t force them not to say anything,” my mom said.

  “And they think that all the parents on the team should know, so that they can decide whether or not they’ll keep their kids on the team.”

  “Like I’ve got the fucking plague or something?” I snapped. Usually, I kept the swearing in front of my parents to a minimum, but I was pissed. “That’s bullshit.”

  To my parents’ credit, they let the outburst go without saying anything. They both sighed, which prompted me to not say anything else.

  “We understand you’re upset,” my mom said. “But, honey, right or wrong, they are his parents and they have to do what they feel is best for him.”

  “Acting like bigoted assholes is what’s best for him?”

  “Henry, we know this hurts,” my dad said.

  I could see tears in his eyes, which alone was enough to make me want to start bawling like a baby. I took a deep, shuddering breath and managed to hold myself together.

  “And we would do anything to take the pain away from you,” my mom continued. “But, as bad as this sounds, there are going to be people like this in your life. People that don’t or won’t understand.”

  I nodded an sniffled a little, the tears threatening to overwhelm me again. “I just never thought it would be a teammate and a friend.”

  “Neither did we,” my dad said. “I’m sorry, Henry.”

  “It’s okay,” I replied, even though I was convinced everything was never going to be okay again.

  Losing Cody wouldn’t mean we couldn’t compete. We still had four guys, but Cody was very good at what he did. Better than Danny, and probably even better than Tab. And if he did leave, there was a very real chance that Adam would be the next to go. That would really hurt us in meets this year, especially since we all knew the college scouts would be out and looking at us. I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat and wiped back tears.

  “Henry, are you okay?”

  “No, mom,” I said softly. “I’m not okay.”

  “Oh, honey,” she said as she pushed herself back from the table.

  I held up my hand. “It’s okay, really. You’re right, I should have been prepared for this. I knew something like this could happen. Is it okay if I go hang out with Rory?”

  “We want to talk to you about it–”

  “And I don’t want to talk about it right now!” I cringed at the sharpness of my reply. “I’m sorry, dad. I shouldn’t get angry with you.”

  “You’re allowed to feel angry.”

  “Bu
t not at you.”

  “I wish that I could tell you this was going to be the last time that someone does or says something like this,” my mom said. She sighed. “But I can’t do that, Henry. As a parent, all you want is for your children to go through life having it as easy as possible.”

  “Some things in life aren’t easy,” I said. “Being yourself, for one, that’s not easy. I know what I’m getting into, mom. I know that I’m going to lose friends over just being who I am. I know that people are going to be uncomfortable around me. I just never realized how much it hurts.”

  “We’re sorry,” she said, tears reappearing in her eyes. “We’re sorry that you have to go through this, honey.”

  I shook my head. “Don’t be sorry. Just be happy that I’m strong enough to do it.”

  “But you shouldn’t have to,” she said.

  “And Noah shouldn’t have had to go through what he went through alone.”

  I took a deep breath, forcing myself to calm down before I burst into tears in my kitchen. “I need some air.”

  “Henry, you know that you can talk to us about this,” my dad said. “We know it hurts and you have every right to be angry.”

  “I know I can talk to you. But right now, I just really need my friends.”

  “That’s fine, just be back for dinner,” my mom said.

  My dad looked like he wanted to continue to argue the subject, but stopped when my mom reached over and put her hand on his forearm, giving him a weary smile at the same time.

  “We love you, Henry.”

  “I know, and I love you, too.”

  I turned and practically sprinted from the kitchen, up the stairs, and into my room. Rory picked up on the first ring.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” I lied. “But please tell me that you aren’t far.”

  “Just around the block, actually,” Rory said. I could hear the grin that was plastered all over his face. “What happened? You need me to come back and chill?”

  I nodded. “Yeah. Anyway, could you come pick me up and we could go for a drive?”

  “Sure. Be there in five.”

  I hung up and took several deep breaths. Getting pissed at everyone that was only trying to help was not going to end well. Plus, I had a feeling that I would be spending a considerable amount of energy persuading Rory not to go punch Cody’s face in. Not that it wouldn’t be amusing to watch.

  I came back downstairs and walked by the kitchen. I could see my mom at the sink, her shoulders hunched as she leaned against my dad. I swallowed hard. They were hurting because of me, for me, and it made me feel like total shit. I wanted to say something profound to make them feel better, but I couldn’t think of anything to say.

  “I’m going on a drive with Rory,” I said loudly as I continued toward the front door. “I’ll be home for dinner before we head down to the rec center.”

  “Have fun,” my father called back.

  His voice was still strained, like he had been crying again.

  I stepped outside just as Rory was pulling into the driveway.

  “Where to?” Rory asked as I got in.

  “I don’t care, just drive around.”

  “I can do that.”

  He backed out of the driveway and took off down the street. We said nothing for a while and every time I checked my phone for evidence of comments about the latest video, there was nothing there. Maybe it would blow over? Maybe my coming out was going to be that easy?

  However, in the back of my mind, I knew that wasn’t going to be the case. If Cody’s parents reacted this way, I knew others would, too.

  “So, you want to talk about it?”

  I looked over at him and sighed. I really hated that he could read me that easy.

  “Cody’s parents want to pull him off the team.”

  “Because?”

  “Why do you think?”

  “For fuck’s sake,” Rory snapped. “Really? What, do they think you are going to corrupt him or something? Hit on him?”

  “I don’t know what they think, but they probably aren’t going to be the only ones thinking that way.”

  “That’s bullshit, Henry. We both know it.”

  “As bullshit as it might be, what if Adam’s parents do the same thing?”

  Rory shook his head as we turned out of my neighborhood. “Then we’ll be fine. We still have me, you, Tab, and Danny. And I’m pretty sure that Danny’s parents won’t care.”

  “I would have thought Frank and Alice wouldn’t care either.”

  “Why are people such douchebags?”

  “I wish I could answer that for you.”

  We rode in silence for a good five minutes before Rory looked over at me. “I know that your favorite superhero is Superman, but I don’t think that fits you at all.”

  I quirked an eyebrow. “Where exactly are you going with this? And keep in mind, if you’re going to try and use a comic book analogy, I’ll get pissed off and I will beat your ass if you screw it up.”

  “Okay, okay, just hear me out.”

  “I will punch you in the dick.”

  “Look, Superman is awesome, don’t get me wrong,” Rory said as we accelerated down the road. “But he had it pretty easy. I mean he was found by loving parents, grew up in a great environment, and ended up being this awe-inspiring character.”

  “And you don’t think that I’m awe-inspiring?”

  I didn’t really think that I was awe-inspiring. However, seeing Rory squirm, even a little, was entertaining. And given my current mood, I needed something to lighten up.

  “Oh, shut the fuck up,” Rory said, rolling his eyes. “You know that you’re kickass.”

  “So, what’s your point?” I asked. “Bear in mind the whole dick punching thing if you screw it up.”

  “I think you’re more like Wonder Woman.”

  I arched an eyebrow, but said nothing more. Rory took this as his cue to keep talking, hopefully in an attempt to explain himself.

  “That better not be some sort of joke.”

  “You know that it’s not,” Rory said. He turned off the road and started down a side street. “But when you look at Wonder Woman, she didn’t have it as easy as Superman.”

  “I’m still not sure I understand what you are talking about,” I said.

  “Look, she had to leave her home, the only place that she has ever known, to go out into the world and make it a better place. She left because in her heart, she knew that she wasn’t just an Amazonian, that she was something more, something different. Everyone that she ever knew turned their back on her. But she did it anyway.”

  I didn’t want to admit it to Rory, but his analogy was actually making perfect sense. I was also incredibly impressed that he knew that much about her origin story. Maybe there was more geek to him than he let on. I filed that away for a future conversation.

  “Yeah, I mean, I can kinda see that.”

  Rory shook his head. “It’s just like you leaving behind everything that you knew was safe and coming out. You’re just like her in that regard. You knew you couldn’t be something that you weren’t.”

  “You’re actually making sense. It’s starting to scare me.”

  “There’s only one word for that.”

  “Stupid? Moronic? Gullible?”

  “Fierce.”

  “Fierce?” I asked.

  “Fierce,” Rory said again with a nod. “That’s you, Henry. That’s the one word that I can think of that sums up pretty much all of your best character qualities.”

  There were worse comic book characters to be compared to. My vast knowledge of all things geeky could attest to that. And the way that Rory was making it sound, well, it was kinda flattering.

  “You think I’m fierce?”

  “When are you not fierce?”

  “I don’t feel fierce.”

  “Do you even know what fierce means?”

  “Of course I know,” I said as we rolled to a stop. “Um
, why are we at the cemetery?”

  “I thought maybe you could talk to Noah.”

  “You do know that Noah’s dead, right?”

  “Stop being an ass and get out of the car,” Rory said.

  I wanted to protest, but decided to keep my mouth shut. I got out and followed Rory through the rows of headstones, monuments, and other markers. I didn’t ask how Rory knew where Noah was buried, although I would be lying if I hadn’t thought about looking into it myself. We walked for about five minutes before finally coming to a stop at a simple stone marker in the ground. It was several minutes before either of us said anything. We just stood there, listening to the wind rustling the leaves.

  “I came out here the day after the funeral,” Rory said in a low voice. “I wanted to say goodbye and I wanted to tell him that I was sorry. I was sorry that I didn’t help. I was sorry that I didn’t see him when he needed me to.”

  “No one did,” I said, my voice thick with emotion. I pushed back the urge to start crying. “We all just went about our days without even thinking about it.”

  Rory shook his head. “And that’s why what you are doing is so important.”

  “I haven’t made a damn difference, Rory.”

  Rory turned and grabbed me gently by the shoulders. “Not yet, but you will.”

  “The only thing that I’ve done so far is piss off one of my teammates and friends.”

  “Fuck him,” Rory said. “Actually, don’t. I hear he’s a terrible lay.”

  I blinked back a few tears and looked down at Noah’s grave. “I’m sorry, Noah. You didn’t deserve to think that no one cared about you, that you didn’t matter, or that you were somehow broken. You didn’t deserve to have everyone laugh at you like they did. I just wish that I could have done something back then to prevent it.”

  Rory sighed. “I know that it’s not all your fault and it’s not all my fault. Hell, he was the one that made the choice in the end, but we need to do better.”

  “Yeah, we do.”