It's on Us

by Matthew Burkey-Gilchrist

  It broke my heart. They didn’t deserve this. Coming out had been my choice. It should have only affected me and no one else. Fresh tears started to roll down my cheeks and then I entered a new fresh hell when I clicked on Davis’s pages.

  The comments that people were leaving were awful. They were acting like he was the one who was gay, not me. I could only imagine what he was going through and it tore me up inside. For the second time that day, I thought that I was going to throw up. I rushed from my bedroom to the bathroom, trying to do it as quietly as possible without alerting my parents.

  I shut the door and slid down against it, doing my best not to scream. I was seething with so many emotions: anger, rage, despair, anxiety, and too many others to quantify. I didn’t know why the comments suddenly pushed me over the edge. Maybe it was the realization that Rory wasn’t going to get to date the girl of his dreams because of his friendship with me. Maybe it was the fact that Davis had to spend all of his afternoon defending what a weirdo brother he had. Maybe it was the fact that someone at school had called me out in the way that they did.

  Or maybe it was the fact there was really something wrong with me. I slammed my head back against the door, no longer trying to hide the tears welled up in my eyes. I pulled my knees up and buried my head in them, letting the tears flow. I wondered what I could have done that made me this way. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be like every other guy out there. I didn’t want to have to struggle to constantly defend my relationships with everyone that I came across.

  I didn’t want to live in a world where I was seen as a second class citizen. I didn’t want to live in a world where my worth was constantly under attack from religious fanatics or some politician deciding what kind of liberties I should be allowed to have. I wanted to fall in love, have a family, and do all the things that everyone else could do.

  I wanted to be someone my family could be proud of. I didn’t want to find myself standing out. At this point, I would have killed just to fit in. The crying was getting worse and for a moment, a thought popped into my head. I stood up, went over to the medicine cabinet, and pulled it open. Sitting inside was a box of razors. I reached inside and grabbed them. Just holding them in my hand, I felt my stomach clench and twist. I could just turn on the bath water really hot, slide in, and end it all. It would probably be pretty peaceful.

  I started sweating profusely and my hands shook holding the razors. I knew that I’d leave behind people that would be hurt. Actually, devastated. But god, the thought of having to face all that pain, all that ridicule was almost overwhelming. I dropped the box of razors and bolted to the toilet before dry heaving. I must have kneeled there with my head in the toilet for at least ten minutes.

  Eventually, I fell back against the wall, covered in a cold sweat. Seconds later, my phone started vibrating and I pulled it out of my pocket. It was Rory. Calming myself as best I could, I tapped the answer button.

  “Hey,” I said weakly.

  “Are you okay?”

  I could hear the concern in his voice and it almost made me start crying all over again.

  “I’m okay,” I said. I leaned back and closed my eyes. “It’s just been a day.”

  “I hear ya, man. I just wanted to check in.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Friday night, we’re having a bonfire, maybe as a celebration for me winning or us licking our wounds after getting our asses kicked in the election,” Rory said. “Okay, well after me getting my ass kicked in the election.”

  “We don’t know that you’ll lose,” I said.

  Rory snorted on the other end of the line. “Pretty sure I already did that. Anyways, are you coming to practice tonight?”

  I bit my lip, I really hadn’t thought that far ahead.

  “Um, I’m not sure.”

  “Don’t let them win,” Rory said. “Come on, man, we need you.”

  “Okay, I’ll be there.”

  “See ya then,” Rory said. He paused for a moment. “And you know we still got you.”

  “I know.”

  We disconnected and I was left sitting there on the bathroom floor, staring at the razors that I’d dropped on the floor. As fast as the thought came to me, it quickly disappeared. I couldn’t do that to my family and friends. My life may seem tough right now, but leaving them that way would only tear them apart. I sniffled and got to my feet, tossing the razors back onto the counter.

  No, killing myself wasn’t the answer. Hell, I knew that deep down, but for a few seconds, the fact that I’d be released from all that pain was tempting. I shook my head and grabbed the hand towel to dry off my face. When I looked again at the mirror, my eyes were still red and puffy, but at least I didn’t look like a total wreck anymore.

  Standing a little straighter, I headed out of the bathroom and back to my bedroom. A few seconds later, Tab sent a text message, checking in just like Rory. For someone who seemed to be pretty against this whole idea in the beginning, he was embracing it a lot more than I thought he would. Once I was in my room, I flopped down on my bed and was out cold moments afterwards.

  CHAPTER 17

  “Friendship isn’t about who you’ve known the longest.

  It’s about who walked into your life, said ‘I’m here for you’ and proved it.”

  ~ Unknown

  The rest of the day, I stayed the hell away from social media. When Davis arrived home from school, the first thing he did was check to make sure that I was okay. I apologized to him if my outing had caused him any grief, although he was pretty adamant that wasn’t the case. I would have cried had I not felt all cried out by that time in the day. Whatever rift had existed between us was slowly starting to heal. It would take time, but at least now I could slowly see the Davis I knew returning.

  Practice was pretty brutal, not just in the routines that coah was putting us through, but also the awkwardness that existed between Cody, Adam, and the rest of us. Neither Cody or Adam said much to the four of us outside needed conversation. There was a weird feeling in the air, though no one said anything. Honestly, I was too exhausted from the day to really say anything and judging by the looks on Danny, Rory, and Tab’s faces, they were, too.

  “You want to go right home?” Rory asked as we were leaving the gym.

  I shrugged my shoulders. I knew that I had a mountain of homework waiting for me. However, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to concentrate.

  “I think we should go find him a pointless lay,” Tab said.

  I laughed. “Pretty sure no one wants to do me.”

  “I’d do you,” Rory said.

  I blushed. “Thanks.”

  “But seriously, do you want to go right home? We could go get something to eat.”

  “Actually, I want you to take me by the rec center,” I said as we climbed into the car. “I thought about getting some practice before I head home and I need a way to work off some steam.”

  “Sure,” Rory said. “Do you need to stop by home and get your saber?”

  “And didn’t we just work off a lot of steam?” Tab asked.

  “You be quiet,” Rory ordered. He turned back to me. “So, saber?”

  “Yeah,” I answered. “Probably a good idea. Plus, maybe Ryan has some sort of great plan for getting me through all this shit.”

  “Pretty sure the only way to get through all this shit is to just, well, get through it.”

  “That’s so helpful.” I grunted.

  “You got this, Henry,” Tab said as the Rory put the car into drive. “And like Rory said, we got you.”

  I bid farewell to both Rory and Tab and made my way to the open room that we used for practice.

  “Are you okay?” Ryan asked as I entered the gym.

  I shook my head. “Shit went down to day at school.”

  “What kind of shit?” Ryan asked.

  “Someone wrote faggot across my locker and then my social media feeds started blowing up with people saying, well, pretty much the same thing at my v
ideos.”

  Ryan sighed. “Want to talk about it?”

  For the next fifteen minutes, I told Ryan everything that had happened at school that day. I told him about how I overheard Rory and Shawna’s conversation. I told him about how Davis’s page was filling up with some pretty angry people that though they needed to point out how weird/immoral/awful having me as a brother had to be. By the time I was done talking, I was on the verge of tears, something that I thought I was out of, given earlier events.

  “Thanks.”

  “How are you doing?”

  “Shitty,” I mumbled. I squared my shoulders and stood up a little straighter. “Want to spar for a bit? I need something to take my mind off everything that’s happening.”

  “Sure,” Ryan said with a nod. “However, don’t think that I’m going to go easy on you.”

  I set my case down and took out my saber. “I’d never dream of it.”

  I hit the button and the orange blade blazed to life. Ryan went over to his case and took out his weapon, a double-bladed saber with purple blades. He activated it before walking back to me, slowly spinning it through the air.

  “You sure about this?”

  “Very,” I said, switching into a defensive stance. “Don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you.”

  “Confidence, I like it.”

  Ryan surged forward, his blades swinging with precision and speed. He speared one end toward my mid section, forcing me to backflip to get away from it. When I landed, Ryan was there again, slashing horizontally towards me. I batted his attack away and spun to the left, opening up more room for me to maneuver.

  Ryan followed me, unleashing a series of whirling overhead strikes that left me working at a frenzied pace to keep the attacks at bay.

  “What’s the matter?” Ryan asked, striking my blade again. I parried the attack and lunged forward. He knocked attack away. “Getting angry? Afraid that I might win?”

  “You’re just trying to get me off-balance,” I said. I flipped sideways and dropped my blade behind my back to block the next slash.

  “Maybe, or maybe not.”

  “That’s bullshit.”

  I parried another stab, then went on the attack with a series of powerful overhead blows. Ryan’s weapon flashed and whirled, knocking each attack away, but at the same time giving ground with each hit. Ryan dodged my next several attacks before exploding into motion and hammering me with a whirlwind of attacks.

  “Come on, get angry,” Ryan snapped.

  “I’m already angry!” I barked back.

  We dueled across the floor and I could feel my anger continue to build with each slash, thrust, and parry. I was angry that they got away with doing that to my locker. I was angry that people were posting shit all over Davis’s social media feeds. I was angry that Rory was going to lose out on dating a girl that he really liked because of me.

  I was angry that I was dealt this hand in life. I held nothing back and started hammering Ryan with slashes, stabs, and whirling attacks that had him backing across the mat. I was angry that I couldn’t be normal like everyone else. I was angry that the world didn’t let me be different. I focused all that anger, all that rage, on hammering into Ryan for all I was worth.

  Sweat was pouring out of my body, running down my face and soaking the front of my shirt. I jumped forward, bringing my glowing orange blade on Ryan’s with all the force I could muster. Ryan blocked the attack, brought his blade down…

  And I ended up flat on my ass. I sat there for a moment, panting heavily. Ryan stood over me a moment before extending his hand to help me back to me feet.

  “I suppose you’re going to give me a life lesson now?” I grumbled as he pulled me to my feet.

  “All that anger, all that hatred, it doesn’t get you anywhere,” Ryan said. “You have a choice. You can either embrace the fact that you’re different, or you get pissed off about it. The only difference is, embracing it will let you grow as a person, getting pissed off is only going to slowly eat you away.”

  “You know, you sound like a Jedi Master when you say shit like that.”

  Ryan smirked. “Not as wise, my friend, just been through what you’re going through and seen what happens when someone lets all that anger get the better of them.”

  I took a seat on the bench and an offered water. “What does happen?”

  “They become really bitter people,” Ryan said, taking a seat next to me. He put a hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “That’s not you. You have courage, more courage than I ever did at your age.”

  I shook my head. “I doubt that.”

  “Whatever you are, be a good one.”

  I furrowed my brow. “Who said that?”

  “Abraham Lincoln,” Ryan said, getting to his feet. “And you’re a good one. Don’t let anyone tell you different. You’re going to make one hell of a soldier someday, assuming that’s still something that you want to do.”

  I shrugged non-committedly. “I guess, assuming that’s even an option anymore.”

  “You know they repealed ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’, right? You can serve your country as you should, being you. I’d fight besides you.”

  “Thanks, man.”

  “No need to thank me,” Ryan said. “Look, Henry, there are going to be a lot of assholes that are going to come at you during life, especially now that you’re out. Don’t let small minds dictate the course of your journey. And it looks like you have a visitor.”

  I looked over to see Cole come into the room. He wore a worried expression on his face, but he relaxed some when he saw me talking to Ryan. I cringed. As much as I wanted to talk to Cole right now, there was another part of me that was annoyed at myself for developing a crush on him. First Danny, then Cole. It was becoming a pattern that I didn’t want to keep repeating.

  But damn, his dimples, his smile, even the way he walked was attractive.

  “Are you okay?” Cole asked. “Rory and Tab told me what happened.”

  “I’m good,” I said.

  “You can tell me the truth. Are you really doing okay?”

  “I’m a little annoyed, yeah, but I think I’m doing okay.”

  “Do you have any idea who did it?”

  I shrugged. “I thought that it might be Hunter, but I don’t think he’d have the balls to do something like that.”

  “Plus, from what you guys have told me about him, I’m not even sure that he could spell the word,” Cole said. “Don’t you guys have security footage that they can look at? Hell, there are cameras all over my school.”

  “They said they’re working on it,” I replied. “But something tells me that if they do catch whoever did it, they won’t tell me about it either.”

  Cole frowned and his amazing smile disappeared for a brief moment. “Well, that sucks.”

  “I guess it could be worse.”

  “Yeah, I guess,” Cole replied. “How’s your brother taking it?”

  “Okay, I think. People are being pretty awful about it.”

  “Because people are awful sometimes,” Cole said, shaking his head. “But at least you’re inspiring people to be more themselves.”

  “Pretty sure that I’m not,” I muttered. “At this point, people are going to see stuff like this and realize that they might be better off not showing their uniqueness to the world.”

  Cole put his hands on my shoulders and I had to suppress a shiver. “I don’t think that’s the case at all. Rory told me about how the captain of the soccer team stepped in to stand up for you. Even Giovanni has stopped wearing his contact lenses.”

  “I don’t think that’s a big deal.”

  “It is to him,” Cole said. “He’s always been super self conscious about it. Hell, he didn’t even tell me about it until two years after we met. It might not be a big deal to you, but it’s a pretty big deal to him.”

  I looked down and shook my head. Cole was making me out to be some kind of hero and at the moment, I felt like the exact opposite of
that. All I had done was make life harder for everyone who cared about me.

  “Every fire needs a spark,” Cole said, finally letting go of my shoulders.

  As much as I didn’t want to admit it, that made me feel better.

  Cole grinned. “See, there’s still a smile in there.”

  “I hate it when you guys do that,” I said.

  “Nah, you love it. Probably even more when Danny makes you smile.”

  I was pretty sure that my eyes bugged completely out of my head.

  “Um, what do you mean?”

  “I mean Danny,” Cole said. A smirk was now plastered across his face. “You like him. I mean, you make it pretty clear with how you look at him.”

  I’m sure I turned about twenty different shades of red, none of them flattering.

  “You haven’t told him, have you?” Cole asked.

  I shrugged and considered what to tell him. True, I still thought Danny was insanely cute, but now I was crushing on another unattainable straight guy.

  “I don’t really need to,” I finally answered.

  “Why’s that?”

  “Pretty sure that he isn’t into dudes.”

  Cole arched an eyebrow. “And how do you know that? Sometimes people may surprise you.”

  “I don’t think he’s going to have that kind of surprise for me.”

  “Then, if you’re his friend, maybe you just need to be honest with him,” Cole said. “He’d probably appreciate it in the end.”

  “Or he’ll get pissed off and never want to see me again.”

  “Seriously, do you have to be all doom and gloom all the damn time?” Cole said. He sighed. “People are going to surprise you. Hell, your friends already did.”

  I nodded in agreement.

  “Are you still going to keep making your videos?”

  “I actually thought about stopping,” I said. “I mean, everyone already knows now. Seems like I don’t really have anything to say anymore.”

  “I beg to differ,” Cole said. He gestured to the bench and for me to take a seat. “I think there’s plenty left to say, and I think that you need to be the one that says it. I think you should keep going, keep showing people that there is no shame in being you.”