Separate Like Stars

by Diana Kane

  “Do you want to watch a movie or something?” I call out as Olivia rummages around in the kitchen. I cringe as soon as the words leave my mouth. For a second it felt like we were just Jordan and Olivia, that we were still together. That we could just cuddle on the couch and watch a movie and life was back to normal.

  “Sure,” she calls back as she returns with fresh drinks for us as I scan the guide.

  “Silence of the Lambs is on,” I inform her as she hands me my beer.

  “Perfect,” she answers as she takes her seat again. Only I notice out of the corner of my eye that she isn’t sitting as far away as she had been. It’s only a difference of a few inches, but with my emotions already tumbling here and there, I can’t decide if I’m reading too much into it.

  Half an hour into the movie I get up to use the bathroom. I return to the living room to find our drinks replenished and Olivia staring at the film with a contemplative expression on her face. “Is the movie bothering you?” I ask as I pause to watch her, noticing that yet again she’s sitting slightly closer to my end of the couch.

  “Do you hate me?” she asks, as her eyes drop to her lap, their location betrayed by the glow cast on them from the TV screen.

  “Hating you would be far less complicated than how I feel about you,” I answer truthfully. She looks up and meets my eyes, her expression unreadable.

  “Dare I ask?” she mumbles, her eyes locked on mine while her hands starting to fidget with the drawstrings at her waist. She’s nervous, her fidgeting hands her tell. At least that much hasn’t changed.

  “I’m not sure that this is the time,” I answer as I break eye contact and return to my seat, taking a drink of my beer. Olivia grabs the remote from the coffee table and mutes the television. I guess she thinks that now is the time. “Honestly?” I ask as I look over at her. She nods before squaring her body to mine, making me remember the night she came out to me like it was yesterday. I reposition myself to face her and sigh before beginning, my eyes dropping to the dwindling cushion between us. “Devastated and heartbroken at how you ended it. Angry for so many reasons. Frustrated because I can’t purge you from my system and move on. I still live in our old place, so there are times when I remember something and long for you. Sad because I miss you.” I hear the sound of Olivia’s breath catching and look up without raising my head.

  “You still love me?” she whispers, her voice slightly husky.

  “I don’t want to talk about it Liv. It doesn’t make me feel good,” I answer. “I’m trying to move on. I’ve shared two drunken kisses that both ended with me sobbing because I felt like I was somehow cheating on you. I tried to go on a date, but I couldn’t get into it. I know you’re way beyond this point and that I’ll get there someday, but I need more time,” I finish, adamantly refusing to look at her.

  “Jordan, I—.”

  “Please don’t. I’m trying to be your friend right now. I really am. It’s what you need,” I add sternly. Olivia sighs before quietly turning her body back to face the television and unmuting the movie.

  We finish the movie in silence, Olivia getting up to use the bathroom while I retreat to the kitchen for another refill for each of us. I return to the living room to find that Olivia isn’t there, so I settle in and start watching the next movie, not quite sure what it is. Another minute or two pass and Olivia still hasn’t returned. I walk down the hallway to the bathroom and hear her faint sobs coming from the other side of the door.

  “Liv,” I call out as I knock. “I’m coming in,” I warn her before I try the knob. It gives, and I find her laying on the floor in the fetal position, sobbing. I cross the room before my brain makes me hesitate, lay down behind her and pull her against me, letting her cry it out as I hold her, not knowing what else I can do. Her sobs subside a few minutes later, allowing me to get back on my feet. She sits up as I retrieve a few tissues and hand them to her. “Do you need a minute?” I ask as she wipes at her cheeks before blowing her nose.

  “I’m okay,” she whispers as she gets to her feet. She tosses the tissues in the trash before switching on the cold water and splashing some on her face. I hand her a clean towel as I wonder if I crossed some line in the last few minutes. “God I look like shit,” she states as she checks her reflection in the mirror.

  “Stop. You always look beautiful and you know it,” I scold her. I shake my head and turn to leave the confines of the bathroom, but Olivia’s voice stops me.

  “Jordan.” I pause and turn to set my gaze on her again. “Thank you for checking on me,” she whispers as she pulls me into her arms. I close my eyes as my forehead comes to rest on her shoulder, Olivia’s scent threatening to do dangerous things to my mind and body. I quickly pull out of the embrace and leave the bathroom, returning to the couch. Olivia follows a few paces behind me but pauses when she nears me.

  “I should go,” she says but doesn’t move for the door.

  “You don’t have to. I poured us another round. We could watch another movie if you’d like,” I offer. I don’t want her to go, even if Olivia leaving might be best for me. Having her here is confusing. She sits down next to me on the couch and takes a sip from her beer. When she sits back her shoulder rests against mine, the length of her arm presses against mine, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. The contact with her has my head swimming and my heart racing. She focuses her gaze on the television, so I do the same and try to diminish the reaction having her this close to me is causing. I finally manage to calm my racing heart and shallow breathing enough to focus on the movie when I feel her fingers softly start to caress the back of my hand. I lean forward under the pretense of getting a drink and remain that way, with my elbows planted on my knees as I try to figure out what Olivia is doing. My reprieve is short-lived though, the sensation of Olivia’s fingertips caressing my back causing my body to stiffen and my thoughts about my current situation to tangle further.

  “You okay?” she asks, as her fingers continue their assault.

  “Why are you doing this?” I ask her with my stomach in knots, my body torn between relishing the contact with her and running away as fast as I can.

  “Jordan, look at me please,” she requests as she leans forward and matches my posture. “I know you think I don’t care about you anymore but you are so very wrong. I never got over you or moved on—.”

  “Then wh—.” Olivia cuts off my interruption by quickly pressing her lips to mine. Her lips linger against my frozen mouth for a few agonizing and thrilling seconds before she slowly retreats.

  “Ever since I got that phone call I’ve been miserable. But when you held me a little bit ago, that actually felt good. I just want to feel something other than this grief that has been threatening to pull me under.” Her fingers drop from my back as she slides back to sit properly on the couch. “I’m sorry I kissed you,” she whispers as she starts to shift herself away from me. It takes me less than a second to make up my mind. I quickly put my hand on her leg to stop her as I pivot my upper body to lean in and capture her lips. She releases a soft whimper before her hand cups my face and she returns the kiss in earnest, her tongue parting my lips, causing me to moan with need. Her luscious lips brush against mine time and again as our tongues dance with each other, like we never spent a day apart. By the time we separate I’m fighting for breath as I slide back against the couch, my body turned sideways so I can lean my head against the backrest and look at Olivia.

  “Do you regret doing that?” she quietly asks, the slightest hint of trepidation in her voice. I form my swollen, tingly lips into a smile as I shake my head no. “I’ve missed you,” she murmurs as she leans forward and kisses me again.

  “Liv,” I murmur between kisses sometime later, the press of Olivia’s thigh against my center threatening to drive me mad. “How far do you want to take this because—.” She cuts me off by pressing her lips to mine again, her tongue demanding entry as she starts to lift herself of off me.

  “Upstairs,” she murmu
rs as she stands up.

  “I suppose that’s far enough,” I quip as I take her hand intending to lead her up to my room. I know that this might be a giant leap backward in the process of getting over Olivia, that this means something different to each of us, but I can’t help it, my body craves her touch. In fact, the cool air that brushes against my skin as we approach the stairs makes me crave her here and now.

  “What are you doing?” Liv utters, the last syllables coming out on a rush of breath as her body gently collides with the wall. I smirk as I use the length of my body to pin her in place, tipping my head back to look her in the eye. I can feel her chest heaving in excitement as her familiar curves meld against mine. But it’s her eyes that draw my attention. Those blue orbs that were lifeless and filled with nothing but sorrow have regained a hint of their former exuberance, as she stares back at me with desire. I snake my hands between our bodies, landing on Olivia’s breasts as I graze the side of her jaw with my teeth. Her head drops back against the wall as my fingers brush over her nipples, allowing me to tease the hollow of her throat with my tongue. I slide my hands lower as I continue teasing her neck, slipping one hand up her shirt while I maneuver the other inside the waistband of her shorts. I abandon the tender flesh along her neck to watch her reaction as my fingers deliver the first feather soft caress over her panties. I feel her chest heave as her eyes flutter shut and her hips try to push against my fingers. I stroke my thumb over her restrained nipple as I softly caress her again, eliciting a quiet moan. She opens her eyes and moves to kiss me, but I evade her and repeat my ministrations. Her hips jolt forward as she tries to kiss me again, but I continue to defy her and press a little more firmly against her cleft. “Jordan,” she pleads as her moisture seeps through her panties and dampens my fingertips.

  “You don’t like this?” I ask as my fingers continue to tease her. She moves to kiss me again, only this time her fingers tangle in my hair, preventing my evasion. The feel of her lips pressed firmly against mine, coupled with her probing tongue are enough for me to abandon my teasing. I push the cups of her bra up over her breasts as I slide the panel of her panties aside, my fingers making their first unimpeded contact with her soaking crease.

  “Jordan, stop,” Olivia huffs after pulling out of the kiss. My eyebrows crinkle inward, wondering what the hell suddenly changed her mind. “I don’t want some quickie up against a wall with you,” she informs me. “Please take me upstairs,” she begs, tilting her head forward to rest her forehead against mine. I relent and begrudgingly remove my hands from her body before turning for the stairs. Olivia stops my progress, her hands moving to my shoulders to push me against the wall. Her lips forcefully claim mine as she keeps me pinned in place, her thumbs stroking over my clavicles as her tongue dances with mine, causing me to press my hips into her, begging for even the slightest satisfaction to the desire rushing through my veins. Olivia pulls her lips away, drawing my breath with her as my eyes slowly flutter open. What I see before me almost feels like a memory, one of Olivia looking at me with so much love and adoration that I can feel it cocooning around me. She lifts her hand and softly traces her fingertips down my hairline and along my jaw before softly brushing her thumb over my lips. The move is so familiar, one that Olivia had always loved doing right before she’d tell me she loved me.

  “Come on,” I whisper when I see her lips part, possibly about to say something that I can’t trust she actually means. I quickly take the hand still loitering on my face and slide towards the stairs, slowly tugging Olivia along behind me.

  I turn when I hear the door click shut behind Olivia and discover her quickly approaching me, hunger burning in her eyes, her shirt already discarded near the door. I drop my hands to slip off my shirt, but Olivia gently grips my wrists, causing me to relax my hold on the cotton fabric. It seems these little intricacies between us haven’t changed. I love to look at and watch her, and she loves to undress me. I offer no resistance as she pulls my shirt over my head, her lips connecting with my shoulder as she slides my shorts and panties off in one smooth motion. She deftly strips me of my bra, her fingertips tracing down the length of my arms as she frees the fabric from my body. I stand bare before her, my nipples already peaked, the scent of my arousal making its way to my nose as Olivia slowly lowers her shorts, revealing inch by glorious inch of those long slender legs that I’ve licked and kissed every surface of countless times. She slowly stands and makes a show of removing her bra, ensuring that her fingers brush over her nipples a few times as she does, causing me to whimper and Olivia to smirk. My eyes scan the length of her body as she approaches me, her hand extending to rest her fingertips between my breasts. She gently pushes me back to the bed and watches as I slide back on it. Her eyes scan my body as she stands over me, a soft gasp sneaking past her parted lips as I let my legs fall open, revealing myself to her.

  “Roll over,” she commands, her voice raspy and broken. I hesitate as I try to think of a way to look sexy while rolling over, but give up the idea as a lost cause. I have no idea what Olivia has planned as I flip onto my stomach, but the sensation of her palms slowly moving up my calves, her lips trailing behind them, erase all coherent thought from my mind. She’s meticulous in her ministrations, her hands and lips tracing every available surface of my legs as she slowly climbs up my body. I release a frustrated groan when she skirts around my apex, shifting her focus to my ass, where she squeezes, licks and grazes her teeth over both cheeks. Up and up she continues to work, her tongue teasing along the small of my back as her fingers slide upward before shifting around to grope my breasts. My elbows nearly give out when she pinches both of my nipples as she sucks on the nape of my neck, the full press of her body on mine pulling a moan from deep within me. Her warm breath cascades against my skin as she slowly grinds herself against my ass. She releases a muffled murmur as she does it again while grazing her lips along my neck. Just the combination of hearing her moans, feeling her against me, and the teasing of my nipples has me panting with unmet need and close to the edge.

  “Liv, please,” I pant as she presses herself against me again. “I need you,” I beg as I try to press my ass into her.

  “I need you too,” she whispers against my ear as she swivels her hips against me again. “I love you,” she murmurs as her hands fall from my breasts and all movement from her stops. I feel the breath ripped out of me as my throat tightens when her words finally penetrate the lust induced fog in my brain. “I know I’ve given you every reason not to believe that, but I do love you,” she adds before pressing a kiss to my cheek. Why is she telling me this? I’m already in bed with her, so does she actually mean it? “Jordan?” It isn’t that I don’t know if I love her, there isn’t anyone else I can imagine or want to be here with, it’s simply that I can’t find my voice. Instead, I turn my head towards hers, seeking out her lips. Her weight shifts slightly as my tongue invades her mouth, her hand gliding over my hip and slipping between us.

  “Please Liv,” I plead through our kiss as her fingers taunt my aching sex, deftly avoiding my throbbing clit. She sucks at my lower lip as she finally complies, dipping her fingers between my folds. She shifts back on top of me before slipping her fingers inside, slowly sinking them to their full depth, pushing my breath out of me. Her fingers bump my g-spot on their retreat before her hips press into me, her fingers matching the rhythm her gyrations set. I hear her soft pant over my sharp exhale and realize what’s happening. Olivia’s length and flexibility have allowed us to indulge in what we jokingly referred to as sexual gymnastics in the past, but this is a new one. I don’t have time to dwell on it as her fingers bump against my sensitive bundle again, causing me to moan. Olivia’s breath tickles my back as her grunts and moans accompany the increasing rhythm of her fingers and hips. My arms fail me as my inner walls begin to twitch, the undeniable pleasure ripping through my body from the sensations Olivia’s fingers are eliciting and the knowledge that she is getting herself off.

  “Come for m
e,” she commands before pressing into me again, her breaths pouring over my shoulders and neck, hot and fast. I lose myself with my face buried in the comforter as Olivia collapses on top of me, her hips bucking hard a few more times before erratically twitching then stilling. She slowly withdraws her fingers from me, her body still draped over mine as we both fight to catch our breath. It’s as my breathing finally evens that I feel the warm droplet hit the back of my shoulder, quickly followed by another one, then the quaking of Olivia’s body.

  “Liv?” I whisper as I reach over my shoulder, trying to connect with her in some way. She rolls off of me, landing on her back as the sob erupts from her. I quickly roll over and pull her into my arms as best I can, trying to offer her whatever support I possibly have. “I’m here Liv. Let it out,” I coax her as I hold her tightly to me, my tears pressing to escape as Olivia’s grief fills the room.

  “I’m sorry,” Olivia murmurs minutes later when she finally collects herself.

  “No apology necessary. I loved her like a second mom and miss her too,” I assure her as I squeeze her tighter.

  “I know you did,” she answers and sniffles. Did. Using the past tense to talk about Mrs. O’Connor feels wrong. “When do you have to leave for Chicago?”

  “I don’t know that I have to go back to Chicago,” I answer.