Separate Like Stars

by Diana Kane

  “You don’t have to ring the bell,” I remind her as she steps inside and takes off her shoes.

  “I know, but it’s your house now, and I don’t want to walk in and disturb you,” she counters before giving me a hug. “Anyway, I just stopped by to see how you’re doing.” She doesn’t elaborate on the unspoken topic, we both know she doesn’t need to.

  “I’m fine. I took fresh flowers to her grave and sat for a while, but left sooner than I would have when Olivia showed up.” I watch mom’s face remain unchanged and immediately know that she already knew Olivia was in town. “You knew she’s in town and didn’t warn me?” I ask, not bothering to hide the mix of irritation and anger in my voice.

  “Don’t get upset with me. We’re friends on Facebook and have been for years.” I shake my head in disbelief before turning toward the kitchen. “On a scale of one to ten, how pissed are you right now?”

  “It’s not my responsibility to police who you talk to,” I answer as I pull two glasses out of the cupboard. “Are you hungry? I haven’t had lunch yet.”

  “It’s late afternoon, Jordan. You need to take better care of yourself,” mom quickly scolds me, not answering my question.

  “I know. I went for a walk around the lake and to the farmers market,” I defend my behavior as the sound of the cats running around upstairs thunders down on us.

  “Catnip?” mom asks as she looks at the ceiling.

  “Yep,” I confirm, taking a glass of water to her. I catch her glancing at the note and know she’ll inquire.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” I don’t think my mom has ever read the notes from Olivia, but she’s seen them before. Surely she knows who the letter is from without reading it.

  “There’s nothing to talk about. She wants to talk, but after all these years, I don’t see the point. She’ll be here for a week or so and be gone for another decade,” I finish with a shrug before returning to the kitchen.

  “You’re angry,” mom opens, putting her hands up in an effort to calm me when I turn around and shoot daggers at her with my glare. “I’m not saying you don’t have a right to be angry. I don’t know all the details of what happened between the two of you, nor do I need to.” I watch as her eyes quickly dart away from me and know that there is more. I pull open the refrigerator and begin rooting around for a few things as I wait for her to continue. “However, you should know that Olivia isn’t in town, she’s back.”

  “She’s what?” I question, popping my head around the open refrigerator door.

  “She’s not going back to Paris. She asked me to let her tell you everything herself.” I close the door and toss the few vegetables I had grabbed onto the counter. I take a drink of water and stare out into the backyard, trying to process this newest piece of news. “I’m not going to go into details, but you should know things haven’t been easy for her,” mom informs me, her voice barely above a whisper.

  “Life isn’t easy for anyone!” I shout as I turn to look at my mom. I can’t believe she is defending Olivia to me. Isn’t she supposed to be on my side?

  “Jordan,” she calmly starts, “I know that she hurt you, but you don’t have the whole story.”

  “How would I have that information? She’s the one who decided I wasn’t worth making an effort to keep in contact with.” I open my mouth to continue, but mom cuts me off.

  “Stop fighting with me!” she practically shouts, slapping the top of the table with her hand. “Be quiet and listen,” she orders. I’ve only seen my mom truly pissed off a few times in my life, but I know she is getting close now. “Olivia wants to talk to you about everything on her own, so I’ll honor her wishes. However, she and I have been in touch for years. She has always asked about you, so don’t think for a second she hasn’t spared a thought for you in all that time.”

  “So why didn’t you tell me?” I ask through my clenched teeth.

  “Because of this,” she responds, waving her hand in my direction. “Look at how angry you are right now. You’ve always become agitated or angry when Olivia was mentioned.” She gives me a few seconds to think about it, the quiet of the house only broken up by the birds chirping outside. The cats must have crashed from their catnip high. “Jordan, you aren’t an angry person. I think you somehow managed to stuff all your feelings regarding Olivia into some recess in your mind, safe from them so long as you didn’t have to think about her. But she’s your neighbor again, which means those feelings are no longer going to be ignored. I think you need to talk to her,” she finishes as she looks at me, wondering if she’s managed to diffuse the bomb.

  “I don’t owe her anything,” I respond as I sit down, the cracking of my voice at the end betraying my emotional swing. Why am I cursed with crying every time my emotions swing from one extreme to another?

  “Then do it for yourself, because if this is anything to go by, continuing to ignore this while Olivia lives next door is going to be ugly.” She gently squeezes my hand and gives me a shy smile, tiptoeing around to see if I’m going to go off again. “I’m on your side, Jordan.”

  “I know you are. Sorry I went off on you,” I manage before swiping away the two tears that managed to escape.

  “I know you like to be left alone when you need to think about something, so I’m gonna go,” she says as she stands up.

  “Stay. I’ll make us something to eat,” I offer as I rise, my mind flailing around under the weight of everything that’s happened today. I can already feel the tension manifesting in my neck and shoulders, my head starting to throb from the tightness.

  “No, you need some space to think. Eat something and try to relax. Call me if you need anything,” she says before pulling me into a hug. “Come by the house for dinner tonight if you want to. Scott’s grilling and the girls are having some of their friends over for a bonfire.”

  “Thanks. I’ll keep it in mind, but no promises,” I reply as mom releases me.

  “I don’t expect one. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about keeping in touch with Olivia.”

  “You don’t need to apologize for that. I get it. She became like a second daughter when we were together. I just feel like this whole day has been one blindsided hit after another,” I add as I roll my neck and shoulders in a futile attempt to relax my tense muscles.

  “Maybe you should call the salon and see if they have any massage openings today,” mom suggests. “Either way, I’ll leave you to it. Come by the house if you’d like to,” she says as she turns for the entryway.

  *****

  A few hours later I’m still no closer to making a decision. I tried to call Addison to talk, but she didn’t answer. I called Kira and Gavin, who both told me they could see where I might benefit from talking to her, but in the end, I had to do what I felt was right for me. I even tried to make a pro and con list, but somehow neither side seemed to be filling up. On the pro side, I had put that maybe I could get some of the answers she never gave me. Then I also ended up slotting that on the con side because what if knowing the reasons why only made it worse? Closure went on the pro list until I realized it might come at the cost of giving Olivia the impression that I was letting her back into my life, which, if I’m honest, isn’t something I’m sure I desire. After a fruitless internal debate, I tore up the list, depositing the fragments in the trash before heading upstairs to change. I already went for a run this morning, but a second one seems to be in order.

  I slip into my bright orange top with the reflective strips on the front and back, along with my powder blue shorts and running shoes before doing some quick stretches on the porch. I switch on the lights on my shoes and the running vest and take off along my usual path. I try to pace myself, but my emotional stress has me pushing myself harder in a futile effort to forget and let go. Between my run this morning and my lack of caloric intake today, I only make it a couple of miles before I’m forced to turn around to start the return trip.

  I’m on the half mile cool down portion when I pass the O’Conn
or’s house, or I guess Olivia’s house. The lights are on and I can hear the faint sounds of the piano drifting out to the road. I freeze in my tracks and remember the countless times I would lay on the couch, enjoying the sounds of Olivia playing. If it were daylight, this wouldn’t be happening. I would have had my headphones in and would have been completely ignorant to what was taking place inside the house. But my desire to have that extra level of awareness caused me to leave my phone at home, allowing me to be pulled further into the maze I can’t seem to find my way out of. Sighing, I turn and slowly walk up the driveway. I’m about to knock on the screen door when she begins a new tune, one I have resolutely refused to listen to for years. It seems slower on the piano, but maybe it’s simply that I clung to it like a life raft after the last time Olivia and I spoke. I feel the tears start to burn my eyes as Olivia plays on, yet another ingrained response involving Olivia my body has yet to forget. I turn to leave but freeze when I hear the sound of a dog barking from within the house. I almost laugh when I see that the deep bark belongs to a Doberman puppy, whose nose is pressed firmly against the screen door.

  “Lexa, it’s okay,” Olivia attempts to calm her from the other room. I watch as she makes her way to the door, Lexa never taking her eyes off of me. “Jordan, are you hurt?” Olivia asks me, snapping me out of the staring contest Lexa and I were having.

  “I’m fine, why?”

  “You’re crying.” Crap, she had been playing Bell, Book and Candle. The unexpected shock involving the dog made me momentarily forget.

  “It was the song,” I answer, causing Olivia to tilt her head. “I sorta lived on it for a long time after you disappeared.”

  “Oh,” she whispers as she looks slightly ashamed. “I can see that, I guess.” I shrug in response, unsure what it is she wants me to say. “Let me put her out on her tether before I invite you in. She still gets a little too excited when she meets new people.” I turn to take a seat on the step, but Olivia’s voice stops me. “Please don’t leave,” the soft plea comes through the screen, Lexa still not moving from between Olivia and the door. I wordlessly sit down, wondering what exactly possessed me to stop here. “It’s safe,” I hear Olivia call from within the house. I scrub my hands over my face, willing myself to get up, yet find my legs refusing to cooperate. “Jordan?” I hear Olivia question as she swings the screen door open. I hear the door fall shut and her steps as she approaches me. “It wasn’t easy for you to come here, was it?” she asks as she sits down next to me. I shake my head, not bothering to look over at her. Lexa’s deep barks echo from the backyard, prompting Olivia to stand up. “You must be thirsty, want to come in, have some water and meet the beast?”

  “Sure,” I answer as I will my aching muscles to get me on my feet. My sweaty clothes and sticky skin are beginning to feel uncomfortable, making me want to go home for a shower. Instead, I follow Olivia inside, the first time I’ve been inside this house in years. I look around as we take the still familiar path into the kitchen. So much is the same, but little things have changed here and there.

  “Dad updated a few things when he intended to sell the place,” Olivia explains. “I’m slowly working on going through what’s left and figuring out what still needs to be done.”

  “How is he?” I ask as I continue looking around.

  “He’s doing well. He took the year mom died off, and then left Waterford altogether. He lives on the other side of the state, near Kurt and his family,” she informs me as she retrieves two glasses from the cupboard. Lexa’s barking has turned into a tortured sounding whine as she stares in the back door at us, bouncing around on the end of her tether. “I really hope she won’t disturb you before I have some fencing installed for her to run around in. If she does, just let me know.”

  “I’m sure it will be fine,” I assure her as I collect the glass of water she offers me and immediately down half of it. “You should let her in. She looks like she is going to choke herself out.”

  “Just remember you asked for it,” she warns me with a smile as she heads towards the door. I deposit my now empty glass on the counter and brace myself for Lexa’s approach. “There hasn’t really been anyone here that she doesn’t know,” Olivia explains as she keeps a firm hold on Lexa’s collar and attempts to guide her over to me. Even as a puppy, Lexa seems to be pulling Olivia along. I stand still as they approach, Olivia ordering Lexa to sit when they are a few feet away. Once she complies, I slowly extend my hand, allowing her to acclimate to my scent. It takes all of three seconds before Lexa drags her tongue across my hand. I slowly start rubbing her ear and in less than a minute find myself sitting on the floor, Lexa sprawled out with her belly in the air, begging for me to pet her.

  “How did you end up with a dog?” I ask as Lexa squirms around, trying to garner my undivided attention.

  “One of Kurt’s clients. His wife runs a rescue. One of her rescues came in pregnant. Kurt and Dad thought it would be good for me to have one. Apparently, Dobermans are extremely loyal, very protective and make great companions.” Olivia shakes her head as she smiles at Lexa. “I think they were worried I’d be lonely here.”

  “I’m not sure about guard dog, but she seems like she’ll be good company,” I answer, aware that Olivia is moving around the room, working to refill my water. I hear the soft sound of the glass being placed on the counter behind me and sense Olivia’s presence. I can feel her body heat radiating against my bare arms and neck, or maybe I’m imagining it. Either way, I have to close my eyes as waves of emotions surge through me. The anger, the hurt, the longing, and even love, all vie for some imaginary podium, demanding to be the one I focus on. I shut my eyes as the emotional war wages, thankful that Olivia can’t see my face, hoping my hands keep rubbing Lexa’s belly as I fight to get things under control. My mom was right. I couldn’t find a way to get over Olivia, so I stuffed all of my emotions regarding her into some recess, hoping I’d never have to face them again.

  “I’m grateful you came by. It’s nice to see you,” Olivia softly informs me. Unfortunately, her words and the awkwardness of this situation push my anger to the forefront. I try to take a few deep, calming breaths but quickly learn that they aren’t going to work.

  “What do you want?” I ask, unable to fully conceal the hints of anger and irritation in my voice. Olivia steps away from me, the cooler air greeting my skin as the familiar squeaking of the pantry door opening fills the room.

  “Give her this,” Olivia says from somewhere behind me. I turn and see she has a pig ear at the ready. So does Lexa, as she quickly abandons me in favor of sitting at attention about a foot in front of Olivia.

  “Go ahead,” I say as I stand and watch the pair, Lexa’s eyes never leaving the treat. Either she trusts me already, or she values the chewy treat over everything else.

  “Should we show off?” Olivia asks Lexa, altering her voice so that it’s just a level or two above infantilization. I watch as Olivia points her first two fingers at Lexa, her thumb sticking up, her hand mimicking a child’s imaginary gun. “Bang,” she intones, and Lexa immediately falls to the floor and freezes, her eyes glued to Olivia and the pig ear. “Good girl,” Olivia chirps, causing Lexa to pop up for her reward. Olivia rubs her behind her ear a few times before relinquishing the treat, Lexa gently taking it from her and trotting off into another room.

  “How did you manage to teach her that?” I ask as I shake my head in disbelief.

  “I didn’t. Dad and Kurt did while we were there. She learns things very quickly,” Olivia finishes, leaving us staring at each other in silence. It dawns on me in that silence. She seems relatively settled, she has a puppy that seems more than comfortable with her and already knows a few tricks. “Do you want something other than water to drink? I also have soda and juice.”

  “Water is fine, thanks. How long have you been back?”

  “I was with Kurt and my dad for two weeks and I’ve been here for a few days. After so much time away, I needed to reconnect with th
em. The same way I need to reconnect with you.” She opens the refrigerator and pulls a can of soda out for herself, the same root beer she used to enjoy when we were younger.

  “Why?” I ask as soon as she closes the door. I need to see her face when she answers my question. I can’t trust myself when it comes to her, and after everything, I certainly don’t trust her. Olivia sighs before opening her soda and taking a drink.

  “Will you believe any answer I give you?” she asks, her tone sounding slightly less confident than a moment ago.

  “Should I?” I can already feel my patience growing thin. My need for answers outweighing diplomacy now that the lid has been removed from the box that I crammed all my feelings regarding Olivia into. We stand there looking at one another, the atmosphere feeling more akin to an intense chess match than a conversation.