Loving the Heartland

by Marjorie Jones

  Not that she’d ever sleep soundly again. She’d be lucky if she ever slept at all. Without Kendra to hold her, make love to her, it hardly seemed worth trying. After discovering her and the way she made her whole body come alive, an empty bed was the last thing she wanted.

  Maybe someday she’d find someone to share her life with. Her stomach lurched and her eyes stung.

  No. She didn’t want anyone else. If she couldn’t have Kendra, she’d be alone for the rest of her life. Alone and pathetic. A ghost of who she’d been before. Independent, yes, but no longer by her own choice. Confident, but faking it. Happy, except when she was alone.

  She shoved the depressing thoughts to the back of her mind and took a long shower. When she finished, she toweled off and went back to her room. That room. That empty, lonely, beautiful dungeon.

  “I can’t do this anymore, Michelle.”

  She jumped at the sound of Kendra’s voice. She flipped on the light beside the door and found Kendra sitting on the edge of the bed. Still dressed in her work jeans and a long-sleeved white shirt, she looked like she hadn’t gone to bed yet. The shirt, unbuttoned down the front to reveal the skin-hugging, sleeveless undershirt she always wore instead of a bra, parted when she shifted her weight. The firm muscles beneath her small breasts bunched when she breathed.

  Michelle’s mouth went dry and she tried to swallow. “What are you doing here?”

  She shook her head. “I don’t even know. I don’t know much of anything these days, honestly. But I can’t take much more of this.”

  “We’ll get him, Kendra. I sent everything I found out to the Las Vegas police. I’m sure they’ll investigate Harold Mason once they see the connection between Vincent working for you and Mason sweeping in to buy up the studio so quickly.”

  “It’s not that.” Kendra pushed herself off the bed and took two long strides in her direction.

  Michelle’s fingers fisted in the damp towel. She held it to her breast over her bathrobe, like a shield for her heart. “What is it, then?”

  “It’s you, Michelle. I can’t stand to be this close to you and not touch you. I can’t sleep under the same roof as you and not hold you. It’s killing me.”

  She stood directly in front of her. The earthy scent that was so uniquely Kendra, a combination of woman and nature, consumed her. Kendra was the wind, the sun and the stars all wrapped up in a pair of denim jeans and chambray. Michelle’s gut danced in her belly. She was so near. Her body heat touched her and made the shower she’d just left seem like a dip in an icy pond.

  “No, Kendra.” Michelle backed away a step. Her knees trembled and it was amazing that she could still stand. “I—”

  “Don’t do this to me. I need you.”

  Kendra took a step closer until Michelle’s back pressed against the wall and Kendra’s body blocked any escape. God, she wanted Kendra. But could she risk even more damage to her heart? Kendra only wanted her for a moment. She wanted Kendra forever.

  “I need you,” Kendra whispered, her voice cracking slightly.

  Kendra placed one hand on her shoulder and stroked the column of her throat with her thumb. Wherever she touched burned and sent rivulets of passion through each of her limbs.

  Michelle licked her lips cautiously and stared into Kendra’s fiery, green eyes. Eyes that bore into her without mercy. Desire. Passion. Need dwelled there, as well. But what about love? She needed more than Kendra could give her.

  Didn’t she?

  Could she allow herself to be one of those women who took what was offered with no pride; no confidence that her lover would be with her in the end?

  Kendra dipped her face toward hers. Michelle didn’t fight her. She had no fight left. She might not be able to live with herself tomorrow, but she wanted Kendra tonight. Kendra captured her lips, and her heart, in a deep kiss that seemed to meld them in searing connections. She dropped the towel and wrapped her arms around Kendra’s neck, pulling her closer.

  Selfish.

  Demanding.

  Michelle returned her kiss and let Kendra lead her to the bed.

  She would take what Kendra offered and pretend, for just a moment, that Kendra really belonged to her.

  

  Morning light spilled into Michelle’s room. The old rooster in the barn crowed with the coming dawn. Cracking open one eye, Kendra scanned the feminine room. Flowered wallpaper. Lace curtains. The scent of woman.

  It hadn’t been a dream.

  Michelle stirred beneath her arm and mumbled something in her sleep. Careful not to wake her, Kendra pushed herself up to lean against the headboard. She rubbed one eye and pulled Michelle against her.

  Kendra held Michelle to her side and listened to her quiet breaths. She loved Michelle more than she ever thought possible. Everything about her spoke of a perfection she didn’t deserve. Beauty. Grace. Laughter.

  Hope.

  Could she ever begin to make herself worthy of such a woman?

  Michelle stirred in her arms and pressed herself closer to Kendra’s side. Kendra’s lips spread into a wide grin. She sure as hell didn’t deserve her now. Yet, here she was.

  The world had thrown Kendra before. She’d always managed to land on her feet. Over the course of the past fifteen years, she’d raised four kids, managed a world-class cattle ranch and stayed as sane as anyone could.

  In a little over six hours, Brad and Lenise would be married. Her job would finally be done.

  And she’d survived.

  Could she survive Michelle? She frowned. She didn’t want to. She wanted to keep Michelle. Why shouldn’t she ask Michelle to stay with her forever? Was that so wrong? All she had to do was ask.

  Kendra shook her head and allowed her eyes to travel the curves hidden beneath the old quilt. She wanted to believe it was possible. Right now, with morning light golden and full of promise, she could almost trust in love. But, she knew better. It was an illusion.

  The sharp clang of Michelle’s bedside alarm clock broke her thoughts. Michelle jerked awake and seemed just a little disoriented when one arm shot to the bedside to press the snooze button. Then her eyes focused on Kendra’s breasts and she smiled.

  Kendra smiled, as well. Michelle looked like some little forest sprite from a fairy tale. Her hair bunched and tangled in charming little knots around her face. Lips, still swollen from Kendra’s kisses, tempted her. When her tongue darted from between them for a quick taste, heat pooled between Kendra’s legs and she shifted her hips.

  “Morning,” whispered Michelle.

  “Morning.” Kendra placed a kiss on top of her head. She hadn’t realized until that moment just how much she’d missed her scent in the morning. Something about it made her think everything would be fine, that nothing could interfere with the love they shared.

  Nothing except real life. She hid a sigh. She had no misunderstandings in her mind. Someday, sooner or later, she would leave forever.

  Michelle cleared her throat, twisted in her arms and sat up beside her on the bed. “We’ve got to get up. Lenise will be here soon to get dressed. You need to get Brad out of the house before then.”

  When she yawned, Kendra couldn’t suppress a smile. “You’re exhausted.” Apparently, early mornings still affected her.

  She chuckled. “After last night, can you blame me?”

  “I didn’t mean to keep you up all night.”

  “I’m not complaining,” she responded with a bright, mischievous glow in her eyes.

  Too soon, she pulled her hand away. “We don’t have time.”

  “Unfortunately,” Kendra replied, tossing the cover aside before climbing out of the bed. “Would you like to shower first?”

  A glint appeared in the midnight depths of her eyes. Something between the earlier mischievous and downright naughty. “What do you say we conserve water?”

  

  The entire compound had changed overnight. With the assistance of several new hands and plenty of the old ones, the ti
dy, efficient inner yard and corral of the Heartland Ranch had been transformed into a quaint wedding spread with bales of hay covered in lilies as a main element.

  Lenise and Brad both wanted a country theme, and Michelle had certainly had her doubts about how elegant one could get with hay, straw, and dirt. But in the end, green garlands laced with lilies and white roses turned the barnyard into a slice of paradise.

  “Not bad for a couple of gals who don’t know a rose from a cactus flower.”

  Michelle jumped at Lacey’s off-handed comment. When she looked at her friend, she saw something in Lacey’s eyes that she’d never seen before. Contrition? “I think we managed to pull off a right fine weddin’.”

  Lacey grinned at Michelle’s exaggerated country twang. “I just hope everything goes off without a hitch. I just came from the old house. To say Lenise is a nervous wreck would be the understatement of the decade.”

  “Yeah, I talked to her earlier.” Michelle shifted her weight from one foot to the other and glanced at the ground. She hated those awkward silences that seemed to underscore tense situations. She still stared at the soft earth of the large corral-come-wedding-hall when Lacey touched her arm.

  “I’m really sorry, Michelle. I have no earthly idea what came over me the other day. For crying out loud, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and I let some petty jealously come between us. It was stupid.”

  Michelle tilted her head. “Jealousy? Of what?”

  “Of you. And Kendra.” Lacey dropped her hand and shoved both of her hands into the back pockets of her freshly pressed jeans. “Hell, I don’t know. All I really know for sure is you’re in love with my sister. And I don’t exactly know how to handle it.”

  Michelle lifted an eyebrow and pinned Lacey with a half-hearted, sardonic stare. “But you were fine when you thought we were just sleeping together? Just using each other?”

  “Well, sure. I mean, she would still be the same old Kendra afterwards. But now? Now, she’s going to need to survive when it’s over. She probably doesn’t know this, but I remember the last time. There was this lady who came around for a while after our folks were killed. She was nice. I remember, she slept in Kendra’s room and they hugged. A lot. Then, she was gone and Kendra was really, really sad. Like, way more sad than she should have been from losing Mom and Dad. It was a different kind of pain, and even I could see it.”

  Michelle hadn’t realized until that moment exactly what Lacey meant. The feeling settled over her like morning dew. “You don’t want either of us to get hurt.”

  “That’s part of it, yeah. But at the same time, I hoped you wouldn’t end up together. She’s mine. She’s always been my hero and, I guess, when it comes right down to it, I don’t want to share.”

  “Don’t?”

  “Didn’t. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. If this whole thing works out, I guess I’m okay with it, now.”

  Michelle didn’t dare hope. Instead, she offered Lacey what she hoped could be counted as a reassuring pat on the arm. What could she say? That she was perfectly content to take whatever time and affection Kendra deemed to grant her and live on it for the rest of her life? That Kendra had made the rules and therefore she wasn’t going to have to survive anything? That Michelle was the one who would be forced to remember? And survive.

  She couldn’t do it. Not even to reassure her best friend in the world that her sister would be just peachy when Michelle finally went home.

  Strains of soft country music blared from several speakers on the barn roof. The ceremony would begin any second. Michelle almost laughed out loud at the irony.

  Saved by the wedding bells.

  Sitting in the front row, like she belonged there, she had a position that allowed her to see the entire audience. There had to be fifty or more people – they had invited over a hundred – in the large corral. Mrs. Wicks and her friend, Mrs. Mullarney, were situated a few rows behind her. Each of them held a delicate, lace handkerchief up to their aged lips. Their eyes glistened with unshed tears in expectation and excitement. Not far from where they stood, Doc leaned against his cane with gnarled fingers that had comforted, healed and brought many of the gathered lives into the world. A large number of the original cowboys who had worked on the ranch, the ones who had carried young Kennedy Bastion to his final resting place, stood together in the back row, their hair combed neatly into single ponytails or parted awkwardly on the side.

  These people, the living, breathing entities that formed not only the town of Randall, but the essence of The Heartland Ranch, were like family to one another. She had only been here a few months, but she felt like a part of that family, too.

  Just then, Kendra appeared on the threshold of the front door of the house with Brad standing next to her. Both wore black jeans with white, button-down shirts. Their black jackets cut away at the waist, and the long tails added a hint of formality to the setting.

  Dashing.

  They crossed the yard and entered the corral through the wide gate, flanked by sprays of flowers. Michelle’s heart stopped. Her hand pressed against her chest to keep her heart from literally tearing her apart, and then she made a fist to hold it in place. She sucked in a ragged breath, but couldn’t breathe. Not really.

  In all of the time she had spent with Kendra, this was the first moment that she saw her as the matriarch, hell – the patriarch – of her clan. She had comprised Brad’s entire world for sixteen years, and now, Kendra had been forced to give him up before she was ready. Before either of them were ready.

  Michelle closed her eyes for a second and opened them as Kendra and Brad passed her and Lacey. Kendra tossed her a wink. She seemed as if nothing could touch her. As always, her confident swagger hid from the rest of the world everything Michelle had learned about her. Kendra, like everyone else, ached. She worried. She pretended. Just like everyone else, she was human.

  After Kendra left Brad next to Brent in front of the bales of hay that made up an altar, she made her way back to where Michelle and Lacey sat in the front row. She took her position between them, but slid her arm over Michelle’s shoulder. Bending just enough to whisper in her ear, she asked, “What’s wrong? You look upset.”

  Michelle sniffed and did the only thing she could think of. She lied. “I always cry at weddings.”

  If Kendra suspected she’d found her out, she’d run. She just knew it. Something in the way she made such a point of not divulging her true feelings, to anyone, told her for a fact that Kendra would tear away faster than that freak microburst that had caught them by the spring.

  For right now, she’d pretend that being patient would matter.

  A deep breath disguised beneath a sigh filled her with more than life-giving air. It filled her with desire and just a little hope. If she could convince Kendra to trust her with her business, she could damn well convince her to trust her with her heart. No way was this cowboi going to ride off into the sunset. Not without Michelle riding right beside her.

  The music changed to the wedding march. The loud, majestic introduction gripped her attention. Mac walked alongside his daughter, beaming with pride and doing an excellent job of covering his fatherly concerns over the whole ordeal. Lenise looked stunningly beautiful with her hair swept away from her face and her eyes sparkling like diamonds on black velvet. Her gown was perfect. Her pink boots were perfect. Her glow was practically contagious.

  Every woman on the planet deserved to look like that.

  No, Michelle couldn’t give up. Despite all of Lacey’s talk of survival, Michelle couldn’t live without Kendra.

  Not anymore.

  

  “I’d like to make a toast.” Casey drew his swaying frame upright on a bale of hay placed not far from where Kendra stood with Mac.

  “Oh, good Lord. Here it comes.” Mac shook his head. “How much has that boy had to drink?”

  Kendra laughed and stared up at her brother. “Not enough. He’ll be fine.”

  “
On this auspicious occasion, I’d like to wish my little brother and his lovely new wife the very best of everything. The best life, the best children and the best love. Be happy. Be strong. And, for crying out loud, next time? Be careful!”

  Kendra laughed along with the fifty or so guests at the reception. Mac grumbled something under his breath about that not being funny, and Kendra slapped him on the back. “Get used to it, old man. She’s a married woman, now.”

  “Yeah, well. I guess I can’t do nothing to change it.”

  Kendra sobered and crossed her arms over her chest. “Lighten up, Mac. They love each other. They’re lucky. They have their whole lives ahead of them.”

  Unlike her. Her entire life had stormed past her like a herd of wild mustangs. She’d never even seen them coming and they’d carried off her dreams in a cloud of dust. That is, until she’d found Michelle.

  The more time Kendra spent with her, the more she cursed the fates for bringing them together. How could she ever let her go?

  An echo sounded through her soul. For her own good. That’s how.

  She scanned the crowd and found Michelle with Lacey. Both of them were laughing with the bride, who looked incredibly beautiful. Maybe all brides did. All three of the ladies radiated more light and beauty than sunshine. But most of all, Michelle shone with a sophisticated glow. Just about everyone at the reception wore jeans. Even the groom and best man leaned against the corral fence with one boot each propped on the lowest board. But not Michelle. She outshone everyone in a soft skirt and off-the-shoulder sweater. She looked more out of place around here than a cattle-prod in a kitten round-up.

  Sure, she’d managed to fool herself over the last couple of days. She’d even talked herself into taking Michelle back into her arms, and her bed. But for what purpose? To have her heart filled to bursting only to explode in some wrecked heap of useless muscle?

  You can take the gal out of the city, but you can’t take the city out of the gal. Hadn’t Helena taught her that?