by Tijan
“Because I know how you are. I know you’re not bluffing about fighting.”
Well, shit. “You’ve seen videos?”
“I’ve seen it in person.”
I frowned, shooting him a look. “When?”
“When we were in third grade.”
“What?”
“Why do you think I love you so much?” He shook his head, stupefied. “I was getting my ass beat by two fifth graders. A sixth grader was in on it too, and then suddenly out of nowhere, you came barreling in. You kicked their asses—and you were in third grade with me. Those guys had been bullying me since first grade. You show up, and after one afternoon, they never messed with me again. You did that.”
I wanted to roll my eyes. “You’re telling me that because you were bullied, you turned into the biggest piece of shit?”
He barked out a laugh. “No. I’m telling you that I saw what you could do when you were a third grader. I sure as shit know you ain’t bluffing. Fuck, brother. Half the time I think you’re salivating over the chance someone will call your bluff, but no one will. We all know it ain’t a front.”
“You could organize a group. Get the drop on me.”
He snorted, shaking his head. “And then what? We’d have to kill you to keep you down. You’d heal and come back and fuck every one of us over. And while you were healing, I know that brother of yours would come around. His crew too.”
Maybe. “So why are you such a piece of shit with people?”
He cursed. “Can you drop the dick attitude right now? I’m here for peace and resolution. I won’t want that if you keep insulting me.”
I nodded. “Yeah, right. Sorry.”
Now that he’d mentioned it, I remembered that day. I remembered that whole year, and those guys had picked on Zeke every single day. Before school. During recess. During lunch. After school. I finally had enough, and that’s when Zeke became my best friend. He became my shadow, and I never lost him after that. The reason it started had just faded from my mind.
“I’m a hothead,” I told him. “And I’m a prick, and I’m pretty messed up about my family. None of that’s a good recipe.”
“I get that.” He nodded, moving to sit next to me on the bleachers. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. We faced the empty football field. “I may be a lot of things. And I’m not proud of what I became while you were gone, but you’re back. I remember how it feels to know no one’s gonna mess with me with you at my side. It means something to me.” His tone grew hoarse, and he looked away. “Since you came back, I’ve remembered that I wasn’t such a bad guy before. I just morphed into him when you left. It sucks, and I gotta learn how to not be this guy, but it’s hard. It’s a lot of work.”
I grunted and held up a fist.
He hit it with his own.
“You and me both.” Works in progress.
He studied me a second. “That chick helping you?”
I nodded. “I think so. I’m not a dick when I’m around her.”
“So you going to finally tell me her name?”
I smirked. “Like you don’t know. And no, I’m not officially telling you.”
“What?” His eyes flared. “Why not? I’m your best friend.”
Yeah, I supposed he was. But I couldn’t risk it.
He knew. I knew he knew, because Zeke was like that, but with me not telling him, the gates were still closed. He couldn’t go fanboy over her brother’s best friend. That’d be weird and awkward, and a scene I didn’t want to deal with.
“Not yet.” I watched him from the corner of my eye, gauging his reaction. “You gotta trust me. It’s too new.”
He settled. “I get that, but you know I know, right?”
“Don’t.” I scowled. “Don’t.”
He frowned. “Why? ’Cause of the girls?”
He knew why, but okay. Let’s go with the girls instead.
I shrugged, stretching my legs out. “Partly. And partly because I care about her and it’s new to me too. I’ve never given a shit like this about anyone, including you. It’s unsettling.”
I was tired of all this personal sharing.
“Why do I feel like we should throw down anyway?” I asked him. “Just for old times’ sake?”
Zeke’s smile was blinding. “Right. I get it. We’re still dicks. Don’t worry.”
“Speak for yourself. You’ve become a pansy.”
“Hey.” He rounded on me, his face twisted before he saw I was joking.
But was I?
He punched my shoulder. “Don’t call me that again.”
I laughed. “Pussy. Your favorite word.”
He scowled, but started to laugh. “Yeah. I love that word. Did you know there was a chick from Roussou telling people she and I were dating? We hooked up a few times, but that was it.”
I shook my head. “I was the one who you told that, and I’m not surprised.” Though, to clarify, I didn’t know she’d been telling people she was dating him, but I was the one who gave her a name since Zeke just recognized her face and would drag her off somewhere private when he saw her. He’d never taken the time to remember her name. It wasn’t an altogether uncommon scenario for him.
“I’m sure you’ve had five girlfriends this year you know nothing about.”
He cursed softly. “That’s not something I’m proud of.”
No, it shouldn’t be. And I wasn’t proud of my own indiscretions.
I sighed. “We might’ve turned into assholes for a while, but we can be better.”
“Yeah.”
If anyone had told me I’d be sitting on these bleachers, having this conversation with Zeke, I would’ve punched them in the face.
But here I was.
And we were having this talk.
And I suddenly felt like I really did have a best friend.
I swore. “No one can know we talked like this to each other.”
He shook his head vigorously. “Hell no. Either of us talks, and the other can punch him in the dick, without pants.”
Sounded perfect to me. “Deal.”
We were heading back and through the empty halls when Zeke slowed up.
“Shit.” He cast me a worried look. “You gonna handle that okay or you want a distraction?”
I thought he’d seen Aspen at first, that she’d come to school, and I got excited. Then I saw Mara loitering by my locker and my chest deflated.
I shook my head. “Nah. I got this.”
It was time, and judging by the look on her face, she knew it. Zeke headed out, but I focused on Mara. She looked as if she’d rather be anywhere else, but she was in front of my locker for a reason.
“Hey.”
She closed her eyes, shaking her head. “Jesus.”
I chuckled. “Sorry.”
I waited. It didn’t seem like my place to start this conversation.
She leaned against my locker, folding her arms over her chest, and she looked away. “So you’re dating her?”
“Yeah.”
My response was quiet, but honest. I’d always promised honesty.
She blinked a few times, her throat moving.
“And you care for her?” Her words came out strangled.
Fuck. More honesty. “Yeah.” She had to know. She deserved that much. “She’s mine, Mara. She’s just… She’s mine.”
A tear slipped down one of her cheeks. She wiped it with the back of her hand. “Okay.” She nodded, blinking to keep more tears from falling. “Okay. I’m probably going to sleep with Zeke to get back at you. Full disclosure.”
I laughed. “Okay.”
Her eyes narrowed. “You’re supposed to care if I do that. Fuck you. I can see now that you don’t.” Her voice rose. “But if she did—”
A burst of anger lit in my stomach, and she saw it.
“Yeah.” She nodded. “Yeah. I see that now. You’d go apeshit if Zeke touched her.”
I sighed. “What do you want me to say? We were never
exclusive. I told you that. I never promised anything.”
“I kept myself just for you. We were exclusive on my end. I did that for you.”
The bell rang, and we had a nanosecond before the hall was flooded. Piss-poor timing.
“I never asked you to do that.”
“You wouldn’t have touched me if I hadn’t. And I know you liked that I kept myself for you.”
The doors opened, and people streamed out.
Mara didn’t seem to care. She shoved me against the locker. Someone gasped, and then the whispers started, the buzzing rose in volume as word was already getting around. This shit would be all over social media in two seconds, and I saw the first camera snapping our pic. Someone else was out and out recording us.
I flipped it off. “Take it down or I’ll bust that phone to pieces.”
The guy’s eyes bugged out and he quickly deleted it. He was gone in the next second, scurrying off through the crowd.
Mara glared like she wanted to kill me. “We’re going to make her life hell. Full disclosure,” she sneered. “I’m the nice one in the group. Not anymore. That girl is going to wish she was dead by the time we’re done with her.”
I saw red and started for her.
Someone screamed beside me, startled at how quickly I’d moved, but I caught myself, holding back.
“Don’t,” I warned, and I was real serious. “Don’t you dare hurt her.”
“She’s a loser, Blaise. What are you doing falling for her? Claiming her? You’re a loser.” She gave me a onceover, but she’d lost her heat. She didn’t mean what she was saying, and then she was just crying. “I hate you. I hate you so much.”
“Mara.” I reached for her, but I didn’t know why. To hold her? Comfort her? I couldn’t do either.
“No,” she choked out, turning and pushing her way through the crowd.
I hung my head. “Fuck!”
25
Aspen
I was sweating bullets, my phone next to me.
Blaise was in school for the last Thursday of the year, and I was sitting in my room. I wished I could talk to him.
Was this dumb of me? A stupid idea?
What sister was nervous about calling her brother? I mean, that alone made me a freak, right?
It wasn’t that Nate didn’t like me, but he was older than me. When he went back to Fallen Crest, he’d been angry, and with reason.
Owen and I had understood it even back then.
Nate had been close with his friend, and then Mom and Dad pulled him away. If someone pulled me away from Owen, I’d—well, maybe that wasn’t a good comparison.
But anyway, Nate and I had always gotten along. When I saw him, he was kind. He said all the things a big brother should say. He asked me how I was, teased me about dating. He asked about school. He asked who my friends were. And those questions were all easy to answer, but they were surface questions. Nate and I never went deep. I never felt like I had a right to ask him about his life, so I sat back and let Mom do the talking. What if he told her the kinds of things I told him? What if he wasn’t fully truthful because he didn’t want Mom and Dad to actually know how he was doing?
He had reason not to trust them. I got it. I wasn’t honest with my parents either. It was easier for them to think everything was fine, and for the most part, everything was fine.
I mean, really, what was my problem?
I had anything I could ask for, except maybe friends.
Having Blaise in my life was opening my eyes. It was as if I’d been living in a room with the shades drawn, the windows closed, and the light off. And I didn’t know it. I hadn’t known there was a world with lights on, the windows open.
Now I wanted things I’d never had before, like friends. How did I get some? Were they worth it? Or maybe not? Maybe they’d just leave too?
This made me feel like a dramatic, angsty teen because yeah, yeah, everyone leaves. That’s how life works. The world goes around and relationships start and end, but saying that to taunt myself and actually living it were entirely different things.
Blaise had chosen me. He’d broken through the walls I had up, though I didn’t feel like I’d really had the chance to build them with him. He was just in, and that terrified me.
But I couldn’t do anything about it now, except ride the wave as long as I was on it. When he would leave, I’d crash and hope to survive it. Because that’s what was going to happen. He would leave. I wasn’t being dramatic. I was being realistic.
I wasn’t the girl for a happily ever after. I never had been. I’d always known that.
Happily ever afters were for girls who were, I don’t know, loveable—liked by people. They weren’t freaks. They didn’t have damage. They didn’t go camping alone for days, weeks, and one time a full month by themselves. They thought that was crazy and ridiculous.
When I woke from the accident, I hadn’t just mourned Owen. I’d mourned the life I’d thought maybe I had a chance at having. He died, and I knew my shot at being normal went with him. People left me, so whatever. I needed to deal with it.
Right?
Right.
Still, I was fully aware that I shouldn’t have been scared to call my older brother.
“Just do it, Aspen,” I said out loud. I could do this.
My hand shook, but I couldn’t keep going this way.
I hit his number and waited, sitting with my knees pressed against my chest at my desk. It wasn’t the most comfortable, but it helped me feel safer. I felt like disappearing.
“Hey!”
Oh my God, he answered.
“Nate?” I coughed, my voice coming out shaky.
“Yeah. Aspen? What’s up?” I could hear voices on his end, and then he cursed. “You haven’t called me in forever. Wait, is everyone okay? I just saw Mom and Dad. Are they—”
“No!” My hands were clammy. I hadn’t thought about him jumping to that scenario. “They’re still in LA—for work, I think. Or maybe they were staying for a benefit.”
“Oh.” He sounded relieved, and the noises behind him disappeared. His voice came back clearer, louder. “So what’s up? It’s not every day my little sis gives me a call.”
He sounded cheerful, like he meant it.
I cried with relief. Why had I been nervous? Nate had never been unkind to me. Ever.
“I…” Still shaky.
I was such a freak.
I coughed again. “I was just calling to call. You know. Um…” I picked at the edge of my desk. “Mom said you were in LA?”
“Yeah. I’m here visiting some people.”
Cool, cool.
So cool.
Um. . . “So, uh, are you still in Boston?”
His tone shifted, growing softer for some reason. “Yeah. I’m still in Boston. I’m living with a friend who’s in law school. You remember Mason Kade?”
“He’s not the one in law school.”
“No, no. I’m living with his brother, Logan. We were all in a house with Mase and Sam, but that didn’t last long.”
“The NFL guy and the runner?”
He laughed. “Yeah. Sam’s the runner.”
Mom was right. He did sound happy.
“You’re at Fallen Crest Academy now?”
“Uh-huh, yeah.”
“How’s that going for you?”
“It’s okay. I mean, we’re basically done for the year. I’m done for the year.”
“Right.” He grew quiet. “Owen would’ve graduated this Sunday. Right? Your guys’ graduation is the same as Roussou’s, isn’t it?”
I frowned. “How did you know that?”
“Know what?”
“When Roussou was graduating?”
“Some good friends of mine, Channing’s little sister goes to Roussou. She’s graduating this year. Actually, I’m coming back to Fallen Crest not this weekend but the next one. Heather’s throwing a party for Bren—”
“Bren?!” I jerked upright.
�
��Bren Monroe. Do you ever hang out at Manny’s? Her brother’s girlfriend is the owner.”
Bren.
Cross’ girlfriend.
Blaise’s brother’s girlfriend.
Bren, who had come to my defense at the gas station, who I had helped hide at a party one time. She was connected connected to my brother.
Did she know?
“Aspen?” Nate asked, his voice faint and soft again. “You still there?”
“Yeah.” My voice was raspy, and I hated it.
Why was this bothering me?
“Does she know you?” I asked.
“Who?”
“Bren.”
There was a moment of silence on his end.
“Do you know Bren?” he asked.
“Does she know you, Nate?” I whispered. “Please, just answer that.”
If Bren knew my brother when I barely did? That thought ripped me apart.
“No, Aspen.” He sounded alarmed. “Do you know Bren?”
Silence.
“Aspen?”
“Not really.” I barely got that out, sinking down in my chair. Could I disappear? I wanted to disappear.
“Why are you being weird about this?”
“No reason,” I said quickly.
Please let this go.
“I’m not getting a good feeling here. Why is that? What’s going on? Are you okay?” he asked. “You never call me. Mom said you’re doing great, but…” He cursed. “Mom and Dad are in LA this weekend?”
He already knew that.
“Owen would’ve graduated this year.”
His voice grated against my ears. He wasn’t getting it, and then I started to get it… Had Mom never told him?
I was supposed to graduate this year too.
I had been bumped up a year because my birthday was in late May. I was never too far behind, but never quite in sync with my class. Most were turning eighteen. Most were starting to feel like adults, and I had just turned seventeen two weeks ago.
Another way I’d never been normal.
I thought Nate knew, but it happened when he wasn’t talking to the family. It could’ve been overlooked and forgotten to fill him in because it was so normal when he started talking to us again.